‘360’

You have to re-examine the past first!

A sample from Book 9

 360
 
Lord†, You† took me
around
sound, bound, found
then back around
 
‒a 360
showing me what's wrong‒
all around me
 
I've seen plenty
I know in surety‒
it's not me
round and round
‒every degree
others can't see clarity
in self‒
running on empty
 
Lord†, I thank You†
I would have never
known‒
all this view
if it weren't for You†
taking me through
 
I pray
these words‒
I have to say
some call
silly riddles
‒but standing on principles
breaks hearts
after all
 
like the roundness
of balls
we surely fall
‒after the sudden
stall
 
the total...360
round, round
I openly see‒
after tears
I'm ready to be
what in me
You† see
 
Lord†, in Your† hands
I place me
this journey‒
back in trust
forward...I'm ready
for the thrust

(August 20, 2016)—I said I wasn’t posting anything more until my blog. Things do change quickly in my life. That’s the flow I go with. I posted a number of poems this morning for a reason. To show that change. Notice the dates on them.

We can say everything that’s in our hearts, it doesn’t matter. We can show everything that’s in our hearts, it doesn’t matter. We can give everything we have in our hearts, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter to those who just can’t see you. It does matter to those who do see you. There’s a big difference.

I can’t tell you how many times others have criticized to my face about my postings here on Facebook. I can’t tell you how many times others have indirectly criticized me for my postings here either. Why? People are so cruel. I’ve been fighting that reactionary self for quite sometime. It’s been a very hard road. I’ve gained some weight. My fibro and back pain has worsened. I have not progressed on my books as I should have. I’ve lost a lot of money.

The reactionary…not an easy thing to overcome. The back and forth slide has been difficult. What makes it so difficult is the people around me who just don’t care what they say or do. Why is that? Probably because I’m still fighting that codependency on other people’s happiness as well. I always talk about tests.

I’m in the midst of one of my toughest yet. I’ve failed many tests in the past [four] years. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I’ve gone down roads that I probably should have never for others, but these roads were meant for me to travel. Hence, ‘360.’

I’ve come around full circle. I don’t regret one inch of this circle. I’ve cried enough. I’ve talked it out enough. It all makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve seen enough. Our lives remain in peril when we refuse to see what we do ourselves. We can’t change anyone. We can only change ourselves. We can never really change ourselves if we don’t see how we treat others.

Mocking other people, constantly criticizing others, hating, not seeing another hurting, not trying to help others in their need, by-passing another person’s pain, etc., etc., I’ve seen so much of this.

During this journey, which has lasted exactly one year (from last August to now), I’ve been called so many names, I’ve been yelled at and cursed at, I’ve been bullied over and over again, I’ve been degraded, used, abused, kept in turmoil. Back in March when I was in my kitchen asking God how much more must I see, His answer is now clear. A lot more. It has aged me. I see so much more silver in my hair than last year. My skin is looser and much more age spots have appeared.

Have I been paying some karma (the bad kind)? I have often asked myself this. I have often asked God. I was seriously thinking the answer was, yes, but that has changed. I paid my karma in 2014. This is something different. I doubted God. I doubted myself. I doubted my experience. He doesn’t like that, you know. So, back around again to show me what I doubted.

Do I feel ashamed? Of doubting God, yes. Of how I felt about others, no. I have become a different type of person. I no longer live on a haunch or a guess. I have to see it for myself. I have to experience it for myself.

I know what that [sixth] sense in anything tells me. I’m fully aware of it. I’ve written about it countless times. I also truly believe in love and what it means and what we should do with it. Doubting any of it, we get to do the road again. It’s like a relearning, or rather, a reteaching. I’ve said a lot of things to certain people during this year. I’ve had a lot of threats from these people. I’ve been taken advantage of by people I called friend. I put my trust in some that didn’t deserve my time of day. Was it all a mistake? No.

My lesson learned. We don’t get to move forward until we learn the most valuable part of the healing journey, to trust our judgment, to never lose our faith. We can’t change anyone. Only God can do that.

Another most important part of this last piece of my journey was to get a grip of the reactionary and codependency part of me. Did I do that? No, to the reactionary part. Yes, to the codependency part. When I say I’ve been tested, you can’t even imagine. When I saw that one of my dear friends lost her control over her reactionary self because of what others were doing to me, I had to step back and reexamine things.

People pride themselves on you losing control of your reactionary self. It’s like they get off on it. It will take me a little longer and a separation of others to really get a grip on this. Do I have that kind of time? No. My codependency part was tested to the extreme. Hard-love is really hard to do, but in order to break this cycle of this need to please everyone else, it must be done. Does it break the heart? Hell to the yes. When you can do hard-love and you feel that hurt in your heart, you can say that the codependency lives here no more.

I think I can really give credit to my mother on this one and my current living arrangements. Everything happens for a reason. Don’t ever forget that because it is true. My reactionary self is the most important.

It is for all of us, and it’s best just not to let those who strive on bringing that reactionary person out of us continue to be a part of our world. It is very important to understand that because someone else brought a reaction out of us, that does not make us small-minded or less than anyone else.

Those who judge us in this way are just not in a good place. We react. We are humans. Just because we still react to certain things from our past does not say we are not healed. It doesn’t. I’ve heard things as far-fetched as I’m stuck in the past, I dwell on the past, I live in the past…no, I’m not; no, I don’t. We react to ridiculousness because we are human. Not forgetting our past is not the same as still being hurt from our past. I will never forget my past. I will always have tears for things my children lost. I will always say my say when it comes to [x] and his non-thinking ways.

I’m not that kind of person to forget and pretend this person didn’t do a certain thing. I forgive. I won’t forget, and I won’t accept what was done as good and move on. I’ve moved on. It wasn’t good, so that person and/or persons don’t get to get an A. Forgiveness is separate from forgetting. Just because we don’t want to be around certain people does not make us haters. In fact, it’s the opposite.

All of this has been the reasons behind my 360-degree circle, my back-around-the-bend journey.

I’m completely ready to start the next journey. I still have these books to complete, which December, my self-promised goal, isn’t here yet, but I feel confident that what I have to say is accurate. I have no reason to doubt myself or the journey in which God has brought me through. Don’t ask me if I’m saved. Please don’t ask me that damn question. I’m still unsure to what that exactly means. I do know this: My life belongs to God. I’m His daughter.

You want to question my faith because I had out-of-married sexual relations, I’m not afraid to say my peace here on Facebook, and I like to say fuck a lot, that’s your fucking problem. I know this, too: I don’t know everything, but as a professor once quoted to me—I know a little about a lot of things.So if it makes you feel good about yourself to call me a miss know it all, feel free to do so…you would be fibbing a bit because I know a little about a lot of things.

I know this as well: I’m a sinner. I never said I wasn’t and I’ve stated that before. God has the only right to judge me. If you come at me with ridiculous charges and such and I blast back, I probably didn’t mean it, but you probably deserved it. To me, if a person can’t believe your heart, then they don’t need to be around you. To me, if a person leaves doubt in you, then their heart is not there anyway. This probably won’t be the last thing I write this year. Right. It won’t, but I’m taking a bit off from Facebook land to concentrate on completing my work at hand.

I hear that if you need leads and traffic to sell your work in this here cyber world, then you have to constantly have a presence. Well, if that is so, then I guess I’ll have to start over again, but I doubt that because I have faith in God’s whispered words—Write and they will come.

May God bless everyone. If you read my work, thank you. I hope each piece gives you some type of insight into your own life. It is never easy to write about one’s life, and it hasn’t. Not many people stick around, but, as my therapist told me—What is a relationship when you can save one, just one human life.

Written by k. e. leger and posted along with a stupid Facebook pic that people say tarnishes your professional cyber-world personality. So be it. I like the fucking mime (spelling intentional) Facebook deals. To all those who took the time to do these, thank you very much because I don’t have the fucking time.

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Author: k. e. leger

I'm a writer.

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