‘A Swayer’s Cup’

Truth: You say you write for the Lord, you hear the Lord, they say you are crazy, insane. You rape and destroy other people’s lives with lies and manipulation, they toast to you and say your a friend!

Note: The picture accompanying this work was taken on November 11th. The arrow and an Orb pointing out the avenging angel God puts in the sky.

A Swayer's Cup
 
I let it all happen
I did my thing
let them all ring
–the bells they joined
in cling
 
I kept going...ya know
doing instead of talking
–I wasn't going to stop
as they began their chop
 
it was slow...ya know
small disappointments here
large disappointments there
–I brushed it off
I had control of my hair
I knew the how and the where
–so no need...me...down...wear
 
I kept sucking it all in
as sickness halted me
–some kinda shit in my piss
got into my nerves
–hurt like a bitch
I just had to deal
trying to hide my hiss
 
this seemed 'a turning for them
all who called me family
and friend
it was a strange turn of events
'what did I do'
I kept wondering
 
pain kept sinking me in
no one could tell me–
how to win
there came a point
I just wanted to end
there was no one to help me
understand this fight
I was in
 
it just all became a rage
some sore of out-of-mind stage
no one came
no one believed my range
–me giving zero reason
just an illness-fighting season
 
pain slapping every angle
my skin on fire
with no one helping me
–not even trying
 
me...'a crying
maybe some whining
'what did I do'
to make everyone
me...gone in denying
 
then it all went exploding
a marriage in killing
down to total in zero
gone the hero
–adding to pain in feeling
came total confusion
–that which
there's no explaining
 
I went to that place
job wrote about in telling
down, down, down
not anymore
no use in fighting
 
they chopped me to pieces
all my moral standing
gone...no more handling
I let it all go
as anger...out of me
began its flow
 
no one understood
I was already
turned to wood
not even seeing
'what did I do'
no more diving
into books
–only my figure and looks
gave me a reason
in could–
sexing it all up
–just to feel good
 
a good christian life
didn't matter
I was thrown to the knife
cast down...like louella–
in her sin-lived life
 
there was nothing to do
but watch them all
undo
everything I'd accomplished
down, down, down
they all smashed
pushing, pushing
trying to force me
in crash
 
I surely stumbled
I sexed it up in humble
for a time...I wandered
even in gay
mocking an ex in disarray
for his truth...hidden behind
false in stay
 
I finally had enough
for myself...stood up
they all spit in my face
all in doings of betray
–using my life
as their punching bag–
I was crucified
stripped
of all my bright
 
house, friends, children
all my reputation
all my education
gone for the prideful stride
as down, down, down
went my buried life
 
'what did I do'
 
I went over and over
uncovered all the covers
I never stole
from any of them
never cheated, never lied
never betrayed
never killed or beat
–I wrote words on a page–
my life in a little bit of rage
 
I gave
I loved
I helped
 
even in mad–
I gave what I could
even in hurt–
I did whatever I could
make another life
soft, kind
–even in my anger
I never crossed the line
 
so me...they hate
speaking truth
living honestly
letting God† work through–
undoing all they glued
as He† wants me to work–
to better a life
for you
 
they hate me even more
closed...shut all the doors
me...not caring anymore
or wondering what for
for their lives...I prayed
–and mine…they stabbed
with a knife
 
so I raise my cup
I've had enough
I've educated myself
I've given 110 as a wife
I've stood the wall–
eleven years without strife
I've raised three children
worked, slaved without–
a husband giving
–as in the same house
we went on living
 
I raise my cup...to all–
betrayal...an evil whore's bluff
for God† pulled me up
–gave me strength
in enough
as they all showed–
their truth–
the wickedness of crud
–I walk in sway
maybe alone–
but I can honestly say
I hear the Lord†
I don't have to fake
 
I'm for real
the true in deal
for I didn't give up
when the devil thought–
I didn't get enough
of its...in the rear...fuck
 
that's right!
I'm in the sway–
a filled cup
of Jesus† love
–for I took His† crumbs
got the fuck up
drew in...with a deep suck
'I got this!'
I know I didn't do anything
to deserve this bitch's twitch
‒I'm so down with this!
 
yeah! I let out my sway
let God† fill my cup
kept my head up
even when I wanted
to give the fuck up
–for trusting in the Lord†
even with a broken heart
was me...being the bard
the writer of truth–
from the start
–a fucking swayer
with a God†-filled cup
rich with spiritual loot
all because I was true
–surviving the ring–
of evil-driven fools
 
now I know what to do
speak nothing but truth
the devil has no clue
of the power in God's† truth
–that which I share with you
so you'll know what to do
when that bitch
is allowed
to play with you, too!

(November 20, 2019)—What I’m about to say is something the Lord wants me to say. He wants total honesty and He wants me to write about what is happening to me. So here goes nothing:

I’ve been writing about my awakening: my connection with David, Jesus and God. I have an entire section of pages, God’s Mercy, talking about it all. This is the most profound thing that’s ever happened to me and I keep saying to them, ‘I don’t want to be a spectacle.’ They keep assuring me I won’t. I have all the faith in the world for them. For humans, I don’t. Humans, in today’s world, believe in the spectacle. They spend millions of dollars every year on the spectacular of the world. I don’t want to have anything to do with that evil B.S. So, I struggle with this a lot. But God…GOD…has a way of forcing the issue!

I go into prayer with David…or rather he directs it. As I say on his page, he’s not in my body, or on earth. He’s in heaven. He can manipulate my body. He talks to me in my mind. I’ve seen a bit of his feet but since I’m still on the nicotine, I can’t see him fully yet. I’ve heard him in my mind all of my life…as he’s been my spirit guide since before my birth.

Night before last, we were in one of these prayer sessions and he went into stretching my neck. My neck has been really tight since November 5th, and my neck is part of my disability. It gets really tight when I’m stressed and David can move it in ways I normally can’t. God came into the picture that night when I said again that I’m been stressed since November 5th and can’t seem to shake it. He asked me if I knew why. I was sure it was because of what I learned about my sisters, but still it won’t go away. He told me that He’s blocked my heart from feeling this pain and I can’t seem to process this news probably in my brain, so I’m holding it all in between…the tunnel between the heart and mind…my neck! He told me I needed to deal…write about it. So, I said I would and asked if He would send the proper Scripture. He did. The next morning, the following Scripture was the first pages I opened my Bible to. When God wants me to go deep, He doesn’t fool around.

Job. God has shown me over and over again how my life parallels Job’s journey but in modern times. He keeps telling me to go deep like Job and I have a hard time talking about how God allows us to suffer. In no way do I ever want to hurt God or talk against Him. I’m assured that the Holy Spirit won’t allow me for I proved myself to God. I still can’t help but be very nervous.

There are certain topics that God has been asking me to write about. These are very hard subjects for me because all have entered my life and have caused me great strife, and the society of today seems to celebrate the people responsible for such crimes (sins) and they hate, literally look down on the victims. Those topics are: Child sex crimes, Abuse (which all sex crimes are part of), Homosexuality, Betrayal, Lies. I written about a number of these, but God wants me to use my life in order to show you that He means business when He says He does not like these sins, and all those who are guilty have offended Him a great deal.

He is speaking to me. This isn’t coming from Jesus. Jesus comforts me. He knows the pain of these sins and He’s ready…arms held open wide…to hold the victims, to help the guilty to deal with what they have done. God is not so generous. He’s hurt. He’s angry. I didn’t want to write about these topics as God wants me to. Because I get really upset and my fuck-you church comes out. He said it’s okay. This has to be addressed! He’s very stern with this request.

I wrote ‘A Swayer’s Cup’ yesterday morning He revealed these particular Scriptures to me. I typed it up and made myself busy. I didn’t want to write the angry thoughts I was feeling. So, I went to the store and bought a turkey and all the needed things to make a soup. I got home and commenced to making this soup and bone broth to put in the freezer. I kept myself busy, refusing to write these thoughts in my head. After I had all the soup and broth cooked, I was cleaning up when after closing my refrigerator door, the jar I keep my popcorn in fell from the top of the frig and smashed into thousands of pieces! I stood there for a minute in shock. I had bought that jar in France and it was very special to me. I got really mad. Then I commenced to cleaning up all the glass everywhere. I was pissed as fuck!

As I was cleaning this up, the importance of this jar kept running through my mind as in everything else that I’ve lost the last 10 years. I went into this heavy sadness and sat on the sofa and cried hard. The rest of the night was a bit of sad mixed with tears. I was so angry. I went to bed thinking these thoughts. I laid there thinking these thoughts. I got out of bed constantly thinking these thoughts. Then David’s, ‘Let’s talk,’ came through and I got out of bed and sat at the dining table, lit a clove and listened.

I didn’t hear anything for a while, and the thought of God stepping back again crossed my mind. He does that you know. Then it was put in my heart to say it, just say it…so I did. ‘My heart is broken,’ I said out loud and bowed my head and cried. ‘My heart is broken. They had no right, but I understand the path, but they had a choice. They had a choice!’ And then the thoughts were put back into my head. And David began prayer, telling me to write and what I write is blessed by God.

I cried some more because two days ago God asked me if I would condemn my sisters. He asked me this after I finished writing and posting. It started with this movement in my head and suddenly all these memories that I had long forgotten flooded my mind. It was all the things my sisters had done to me in the past. Everything. Then God’s talk. He asked me twice if I would condemn them, like to say, ‘Go ahead, it’s your choice.’ I couldn’t. I kept telling Him that they were my sisters. I cried even more. It didn’t matter to me what they had done, I couldn’t condemn them and still can’t. I pray for my children, my sisters and the sweet man just about every night. I stay true to my heart. It’s who I am.

I went to bed last night and asked God to help them through. I asked for wrath on the one who raped and all those who rape. I asked for healing for the victim and all victims of rape. My mother is really coming through with this need for my sisters to heal. I was challenged: Would you condemn your sisters? I can’t. Then David told me which one of them is worse off…literally through David, God showed me my sisters’ hearts. The one worse off…I can’t do anything for. David said it is God’s choice now. I cried so much because I do not want either of them to spend eternity in the pit. They are my sisters! But they crossed that line…not with me…with God! Yes, God used them to test, but it was still their choice and they failed and with that failure they hurt other people. That doesn’t sit well with God.

And what’s worse, He brought their sin to light through me, and the course of events since November 5th, has God in a vengeful state. The V in my hair in the November 9th pictures and the avenging angel on November 11, 2019…11.11.12…11+11=22; 1+2=3; 22+3=25=7! Numbers say a lot! That avenging angel He put in the sky…pointed out by an arrow in the sky and an orb, as in the picture below, means He’s not playing.

Why He’s pulling at me to writing this about my sisters? My mother wants them to repent. I was suppose to call my dad and tell him, but I just can’t. So, these last few days of constant thoughts to write more about this. I know how serious this matter is for my sisters’ soul and my nephew. I can’t stress enough how much I know how serious this is. Do you know what they do? Call me insane and call my children and tell my children I’m insane. That’s what they did. Do you know what God did? He sent a very powerful message this morning through David during prayer.

He hates sexual immortality! Period! He hates that I’m angry over this. He hates that they betrayed me and used me to cover their sin! He showed me Job again this morning when David, in prayer, said my writing is blessed and that God wants me to write about this. I told him that my fuck-you church will come out and…he did the sign of the cross with my head! Hence, ‘Sealed Heart’, which I will post after this.

What Job wrote, I don’t need to write about. But just know God ALLOWS  Satan to play with us because He knows our hearts. He knows me too much! And He won’t let me be until I do everything He ask of me. And that is to write His truth. He used my life as a modern day Job to reveal that truth! And what pisses Him off the most lately: Some judged me for using the word Fuck! He’s like: What the hell is that?! A boy raped a young girl, and he tore 2 innocent women’s lives apart! A homosexual, hiding who he really is, tore a woman’s life a part! Parents failed their children and tore an innocent woman’s life apart for their sin! AND YOU JUDGE BECAUSE SOMEONE SAID A WORD! Yeah, He’s a bit pissed.

And He’s pleased. You’ll see why in ‘Sealed Heart.’

Robbed of DignityBut now they mock me, men younger than I, whose fathers I would have disdained to put with my sheep dogs. Of what use was the strength of their hands to me, since their vigor had gone from them? Haggard from want and hunger, they roamed the parched land in desolate wastelands at night. In the brush they gathered salt herbs, and their food was the root of the broom tree. They were banished from their fellow men, shouted at as if they were thieves. They were forced to live in the dry stream beds, among the rocks in holes in the ground. They brayed among the bushes and huddled in the undergrowth. A base and nameless brood, they were driven out of the land. And now their sons mock me in song; I have become a byword among them. They detest me and keep their distance; they do not hesitate to spit in my face. Now that God has unstrung my bow and afflicted me, they throw off restraint in my presence. On my right the tribe attacks; they lay snares for my feet, they build their siege ramps against me. They break up my road; they succeed in destroying me—without anyone’s helping them. They advance as through a gaping breach; amid the ruins they come rolling in. Terrors overwhelm me; my dignity is driven away as by the wind, my safety vanishes like a cloud.—Job 30:1-15 (Job is Speaking)

NOTES: Here Job is saying that his status as a human being has been stripped to nothing more than a homeless man. His upstanding life is gone and even the lowest of the low mock him, pick on him. How appropriate for God to direct me to this particular set of passages. As in the comments that were made on my personal Facebook page by some who lived a less than righteous life would condemn me because I used ‘fuck‘ and God and Jesus in the same sentence. How fitting!

They break up my road; they succeed in destroying me—without anyone’s helping them….His road is his faith in people…his hope. It’s not God that breaks it, it’s humans. God brought the strife…allowed Satan to play, but it was a choice on how the people treated him. My marriage fell to ruins, as Job lost all his animals and his children. Depression gripped him and sores covered his body, as depression gripped me and hurt and my physical illness held me to crying endlessly. And instead of helping me, those who should have, mocked me and spread lies instead. And they made that choice all on their own.

They advance as through a gaping breach; amid the ruins they come rolling in…See. God tells you what people will do. When you are down, they will kick you harder. When you are hurt, they will hurt you more. They won’t help you. And here is where God test us the hardest. It’s like He’s asking: Are you going to hate me? Are you not going to trust in Me? You damn straight I’m going to trust in God. And I did. I got down on my knees, I wrote through all of it and prayed even while Satan was taunting me…that’s that round and round that dead horse goes, if you didn’t get it yet.

Robbed of HealthAnd now my life ebbs away; days of suffering grip me. Night pierces my bones; my gnawing pains never rest. In His great power God becomes like clothing to me; He binds me like the neck of my garment. He throws me into the mud, and I am reduced to dust and ashes.—Job 30:16-19 (Job is Speaking)

NOTES: The whole truth and nothing but the truth. God steps back. The test is to test your truth. God knows who will falter and who won’t. He allows these tests to prove it. When my strife began, Book 1, it kept on coming. I prayed and it just kept piling up. And He used my sisters, my then husband, and my children to test me to the max!

No Response to GriefI cry out to You, O God, but You do not answer; I stand up, but You merely look at me. You turn on me ruthlessly; with the might of Your hand You attack me. You snatch me up and drive me before the wind; You toss me about in the storm. I know You will bring me down to death, to the place appointed for all the living. Surely no one lays a hand on a broken man when he cries for help in his distress. Have I not wept for those in trouble? Has not my soul grieved for the poor? Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness.—Job 30:20-26 (Job is Speaking)

NOTES: Damn! Doesn’t Job get it right on the mark! That’s when something bad happens, then something else, then something else. God already decided He would let Satan fuck with me. Then when I didn’t budge…meaning when I didn’t hold it against Him, He allowed some more. He knew no one would stay to help. He knew what my children would do. He knew what my sisters had already done and He knew how they would mask their sin. He knew my ex’s sin and He knew how he would mask his dark secrets. He knew I was being set up as the sacrificial lamb. And this was way before the sweet man was ever sent to me. In all that, He was preparing me to use my gifts. He was strengthening me. The HARD way!

Horror of PainThe churning inside of me never stops; days of suffering confront me. I go about blackened, but not by the sun; I stand up in the assembly and cry for help. I have become a brother of jackals, a companion of owls. My skin grows black and peels; my body burns with fever. My harp is turned to mourning, and my flute to the sound of wailing.—Job 30:27-31 (Job is Speaking)

NOTES: This is exactly how you feel. It’s endless. But a good person keeps on praying. They keep on praising the Lord, even when they are angry toward others. And that test is on others. What will they do? How will they respond? Those involved in my test…ALL failed! Satan used them and they failed! Did I sin during this? Hell yes! It’s the whole point of the tests. The bargaining stage. We do sin! We do this, and God knows we’ll do this, to deny our reality. We shield ourselves for a while from this tremendous pain of betray! We shield ourselves from the pain of loss! In order to survive! Those of us with the strength of a lion…GOD!…rise from this death. Then we realize we did our bargain, but we didn’t hurt anyone, we didn’t do anything but say words! We wailed. We spit our venom when there’s no one to help us. And you know what else: We don’t betray GOD! That IS the meaning of the whole fucking test!

Eyes Closed to LustI made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. For what is man’s lot from God above, his heritage from the Almightily on high? Is it not ruin for the wicked, disaster for those who do wrong? Does He not see my ways and count my every step?—Job 31:1-4 (Job is Speaking)

NOTES: Then He shows me this. What is on GOD’S MIND? The gift…IS the girl! The gift to man and man has betrayed that gift. But not only that…rape…taking advantage of a young girl then blaming her! What!? Those who do things like this…to the pit! Do you know how to avoid the pit? Save a fucking soul! Yes, I said it just like that! Maybe you’ll comprehend the hard facts if I use some force! You’re a hypocrite if you think you can take advantage of a child and continue to live a good life. It will end! Eternity…that’s a very long time!

Me…I know God watches every move I make. He does NOT leave me alone. He does NOT tire. I think sometimes He forgets I have to sleep! I passed His test! Now…He gives me more to do. Now…He watches every, EVERY, single second I have. And this…this is what He wants me to do. Call you the hell out! Sound the damn horn! He DEMANDS healing! The victim needs to heal. The one responsible for the crime needs healing. The people who kept it all a secret needs healing. Those covering shit up needs healing. Don’t you get it? How much of stupid do you need? In 12+ books, I’m not calling you out. HE IS! I’m His servant. What part of that don’t you get? He hasn’t changed! Not one bit. He’s not calling out kings here. He’s calling out everyone who’s committed a crime! The hell with kings these days…He’s fed up with all!

Deceit DisdainedIf I have walked in falsehood or my foot has hurried after deceit—let God weigh me in honest scales and He will know that I am blameless—if my steps have turned from the path, if my heart has been led by my eyes, or if my hands have been defiled, then may others eat what I have sown, and may my crops be uprooted.—Job 31:5-8 (Job is Speaking)

NOTES: If I have walked in falsehood or my foot has hurried after deceit—let God weigh me in honest scales….Yes, indeed I have  prayed to Him for this. Strict me down if I have lied! Damn straight I have prayed. He brought me to the public for a reason. He weighed me. Heavily. He put me through hell for a reason…this right here…to write for Him. Do you really think He’s going to just call on just anyone who can’t face their own demons…who hasn’t been brought down to the bottom, so He can rebuild you? Really? Are you that naïve? Those who judge me…you don’t know who God is! And not knowing God…damn! You can’t even come close to understanding Jesus! He’s too damn precious to get wrong. What’s the matter with you?

God has eyes every where. All those pictures He had me take. Do you really think He’s doing that to fuck with you? Really? He’s showing you in your small-minded ability…visual!…who HE IS! You really think my sisters calling up my children and telling them I’m insane is sitting right with GOD? He sees them as totally morons! How blind are they! Do you really think anyone who rapes is actually getting away with it? Do you really think NO ONE SAW? So you can lie your ass off and convince the victim that they wanted it? Really? Are you really that dumb?

I’m not done. I have more to say in ‘Sealed Heart’. I warned God that my fuck-you attitude is going to come out. David did the sign of the cross with my head! Sexual immortality…the visions…go read the last one! Those islands God mentioned in the first ones…the ONLY name He actually spoke other than mine…I don’t have to guess what they are doing over there. They will be destroyed totally! And you don’t think He won’t destroy you!? I didn’t do anything wrong and He totally took my life byway of 3 people: the ex, and my 2 sisters. So, I wouldn’t hold my breath…hoping nothing bad happens to you. It’s coming. You can go ahead an place your bet!

Author: k. e. leger

I'm a writer.

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