‘Cinderella’

Note: The picture that accompanies this work was taken October 23, 2019. The All-Seeing Eye…God sees everything. The orb on my lips…I speak the truth!

Cinderella
  
 forever the middle
 the chaos of this riddle
 a blind-sided fable
 so unstable
 realizing
 I was the bunt
 of the whole tittle-tattle
  
 as I stuck
 to principle
 –the older and the little–
 used my endless babble
 my life to chisel
 my words to embezzle
 to form the equivocal
 turning away all eyes
 from their hidden wrinkle
  
 I became the variable
 setting me up in miserable
 my life...nonnegotiable
  
 in their minds
 of corruptible
 it was justifiable
 even ethical
 whatever it took–
 for themselves...beneficial
 as I became
 the lamb in sacrificial
 –so they can live
 in superficial
  
 I'm no longer
 their brothel
 I take my self back
 in a fucking loud rustle
 I set myself up
 in acquittal
  
 I've never held
 their ways in immoral
 I'm the emotional
 a God†-creature
 in natural
  
 I'm not the older 
 or the little
 I'm the middle
 about it all
 I'll gladly write
 every riddle
 that's my glass slipper
 no longer–
 a need in rebuttal
 I'm the documentarian
 –the truth in 
 forever's portrayal 

 (November 6, 2019)—For the past 7+ years, I battled with myself, trying to figure out what I did to deserve such treatment from my family. ‘What the fuck did I do that’s so horrible!?’ I twisted myself over and over trying to figure it out. I wrote. That’s it! What’s so wrong with that? You can’t even begin to imagine how their treatment of me…made me question my very existence to the point of wanting to kill myself.

Did I offend them THAT bad? Was calling one of my sisters fat that terrible? It wasn’t a lie at the time. She was fat. I wrote how they ignored me. I wrote how they spread lies about me. That wasn’t a lie either because people who heard their lies told me. I wrote about how they invaded my privacy and went behind my back doing it. That was fact as well.

I wrote how they told people I was crazy. That wasn’t a lie. People who heard that word come out their mouth told me. I battled with this one. Why would they say that? What did I write or do to make them think such a thing? I called my ex-husband out on his shit. I stood up for myself. I wasn’t going to let him harm me anymore. I didn’t allow tradition to control me. Was that acting crazy? As an educated woman who has seen a different part of the world, their behavior didn’t add up and I battled with this because it was their behavior that was actually insane yet my very own children believed them instead of me. So, I often asked what the hell are they actually saying behind my back to change my very own children’s heart like that, and they were my sisters so why would they do such a thing?!

The questions. So many of them. The fact is the truth never changes. I wrote 12 books proving that. And no matter how much truth I write, the strife coming from my family remained. Then it was that I was with the sweet man. Racism and crap and it tore me up. More questions. And my anger grew. I tried to understand why my own children behaved so rudely towards me, they are so disrespectful. This made my anger grow more.

I hated myself because I felt this anger. I hated myself because I acted out my anger in words. This wasn’t me. I just couldn’t understand why the hostility towards me, why the ignore, the ostracism. Was abuse that sacred? Years and years of this….Why?

I guess the Lord got tired of me asking. Yesterday my older sister told me a secret. I told her I’d keep it. I lied. I told a cousin. I had to open up to someone. But I didn’t tell my cousin until after the events unfolded. After I was told this secret, my heart began racing. I talked it over with God…I rolled it over and over then I sent chats to my little sister. And I sent a chat to her son’s girlfriend. No response. Then suddenly my youngest son called me…the disrespect was unimaginable. He cussed me out telling me I was spreading rumors and told me that my little sister and her son called him crying. Me…I’m upset fussing at my son for what he was saying and demanding that he realize truth of what I was told. I had to eventually hang up on him. I didn’t raise my children to behave this way to anyone!

I was upset and hurt after realizing the truth of it all. I wrote on my Facebook wall calling for their redemption. I wrote a lot. Why? Well, my little sister and her son’s girlfriend blocked me. My older sister wouldn’t answer her phone. So, I wrote. Deal! I realized that there was no reason for my older sister to tell me what she did. I realized God was moving the pieces and the message to me was to tell them to deal with their issue. So, I did. I never mentioned what the issue was. In fact, even in the chats, which I still have, I never…ONCE…mention what the secret actually was. To the girlfriend, the chat was profession, and very kind. I never said it was terribly bad or anything. To my sister, I mention ages, names but I never…EVER…write about any kind of accusation or crime or sin!

This morning…after all the confusion yesterday…I was beckoned to reexamine the chats and go over my son’s phone call. It didn’t add up. I reexamined all the things I wrote yesterday. Nothing added up. I NEVER…EVER…mention an accusation or crime. I never ever mention anything that could be misconstrued as a lie. I re read my chats to my sister and it reads as a lawyer type of writing where things are said but nothing is actually mentioned. So, if I’m lying…what am I actually lying about?

So, I went over and over what my son said…why would my sister and her son call my children? What reason did they have to do that? As I wrote on my Facebook page, it was the same when I separated from my ex-husband. The smear campaign. I didn’t do anything or say anything to my sister or her son or his girlfriend to invite such accusations as what came out of my son’s mouth. So, this all reveals to me that guilt runs terribly deep in these people…as it did in my ex-husband.

Realization:

All these years, it wasn’t me. The sin that my sisters share is not my sin. But they were afraid if I found out, I’d write about it so they commenced to smearing my name so that when I did find out…they would have succeeded in having my reputation wiped out and me labeled insane.

I wrote 12 books documenting my life. All of this makes sense now. It was never me. The horribleness of their secret makes so much sense on the behaviors of all involved. Do I need to actually write the secret? No. Their behavior of yesterday was all that was needed. Their admittance of guilt and their campaign to keep that hush-hush going was enough.

They added more marks to their hearts yesterday. They fell further from grace and the light yesterday. And I feel sorry for them. They were sent a message to deal. It’s a shame that they don’t believe in God. It’s a shame that they rather hide. I can’t help them. Now I fully understand why they don’t read me. My older sister actually admitted she doesn’t even own a Bible. Now…I fully understand! I scare the shit out of them! They fear being exposed!

Too late. As all the pictures I’ve posted on my website here, God has eyes every where. Of course, they haven’t seen these pictures because they fear me and what I’m about. Those who fear the truth make up all sorts of shit to cover their ass and they will pass the blame on the good folks.

They never read my pieces on the lie. They don’t realize that I know the truth of the behavior and what people do because of the lie. They have followed protocol to the letter! I…ME…have been the one that they diverted all eyes to to keep the eyes off of them and their hidden secret. One sister condemned another because her family was the cause of the whole mess and that sister didn’t want her friends to know the truth, so she condemned the victim’s family to the point of driving them all to depression…and they stayed away from me…and everyone else in the family said they were crazy too…all because of a lie!

One sister is ready to confront the other…after like ten years or so since the incident occurred. Really! I thought I’d help them out! Me realizing that they used me to keep eyes off of them…well, God showed me…it’s time that they face the music. They  hold inside the deepest, most horrible crime. Shame. God is calling them to deal. It’s up to them. I was called to plant a seed. I was told I did. I really feel sorry for all of them because they caused all of this and God knows. They caused my children to disrespect me. They egged the ex on in all of his crap. They lied through manipulation so that they can shield their reputations instead of helping one young person heal. How selfish! And they robbed my life for their ego and pride…so that they can drink and party with other sinners. Really!? They robbed me of my family for what happened in their family!

Yesterday, God showed me how much of a Cinderella I actually am. I didn’t see that coming! In a million plus a million years, I would have never come close to guessing what their secret was, what drove them to such extremes to cancel out my life for theirs! Thank God, He moved me far away from their bullshit. I so feel sorry for them. They so need Bibles. I did my part. I still hurt. I can’t even tell you how it feels to realize what they have done! It was never about me! They used me to cover up their sorry asses. That’s so sad to finally see. I forgive them. Their journey to the pit gave me a lot of good words to write to save souls. I thank them for that…or rather I thank God. I don’t plan to see any of them again. Ever. You don’t use people that way. You just don’t. I understand God’s journey for me now. I’m grateful for it. He’s my glass slipper.