‘Ends of Ropes’

A sample from Book 8

 Ends of Ropes
  
 look at its threads‒
 each line
blending in fine
carefully woven
  
 notice its variations
notice what stays
 real out of charade
 ‒the weak
break off
slip away
 so strength
doesn't starve
doesn't fade
  
 its fine threads
continue their blend
 return to straight
when comes a bend
  
 with tender care
grows these single lines
 with love...hope
combine
to thickness of ropes
  
 growing, growing
 with decency of time
 harmony's kind
  
 it's a pleasurable watch
 tic, tic
around the clock
 when unexpected knots
slip out
 longer, longer
tighter, tighter
 strength‒ 
strangles doubt
  
 unassureness ends
awakens
again
 growing, growing
longer, longer
 tighter, tighter
  
 be careful
oh so gentle
 lost of hopes
 easily tangles
those ends of ropes
 ‒halting grow
 with single knots
stopping clocks
 meant
to stay
  unlocked

(September 20, 2015)—The [fifth] book in my collection about silent abuse is about the renewing of self. The Journey of this actually begins in Book 3, but healing takes a while. A cousin of mine told me it took her seven years after a 30+-year marriage. Another friend took only a couple years. I guess it depends on the person.

For me, there was a lot of confusion in my 20 years of marriage. What I learned at the end of it was the most chilling part, which, of course, led to these books. Silent abuse and all that entails. So, re-discovering self is very important and is repeated over and over from Book 2 to Book 5. As I said many times before, I did re-discover love. I fell hard and I fought for it, but the emotion of love covets what the heart doesn’t want to see.

I speak from experience on this one, and it is hard to learn the lesson when you want love to be. You want to believe the words, the softness of voice. You don’t want to see that you are the one doing all the work. You are doing all the fighting of the relationship. You are putting all the effort in. You are buying all the things left out…ignoring those particular red flags that keep shouting out!

This morning, I turned to another messenger, Trent Shelton…and posted a number of his videos on my personal page and wrote my own thoughts about what he said.

When you are my age, on your own, it is really hard to see through all the garbage. I know in my experience, I want to share my life, but to share your life with another person and lose your self worth is not the journey to take. To start feeling you aren’t important, you don’t matter…no, that’s not the journey to take.

When love is there, it flows easily…a friendship is there, truth is there, no secrets, no ignoring, you want to honor that person, you want to be loyal to that person, there aren’t doubts, they give you no reason to have doubts because all this is present, the relationship grows, moves forward, feels great, there’s no sudden change.

All those worries of the world: Stress, depression, hardships…all of that does not stand in the way of a solid foundation, especially, one two people have worked together to build. But…when there is doubt, there is assumptions, lack of communication…all stops, and tears replace that which was felt in the heart. That’s where ‘Ends of Ropes’ comes from.

After hearing all these wonderful things Trent had to say, which took me back to all that I’ve written during and after the darkness, I realized that I’m going down that same road. I don’t want to go back there. It hurt. It hurt a lot. When you go so far down that the actual moment of taking your own life because you can’t take the pain anymore is right there staring at you (hence, the tat that I wear on my arm), you don’t want to go there again. It is not worth it. Life is too precious to even begin that journey again.

I felt the hint of that pain this week. I recognized it like the demon it is. I battled with this since February. I prayed. I saw good when bad peeked its ugly head in. I pushed it aside. Good. God. Loyalty. Forgiveness. Trust. Admiration. Faithfulness. All of it…I kept in the light. God has His own plans. When a season is over, a season is over. For me, I saw a forever. Maybe…but it is what it is.

Another October approaching.For me, personally, there’s importance to that. That old saying: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it’s meant to be. I’m on my third shot at love. The scars get deeper. The wounds build higher walls, but that’s okay.

Live each day like it’s your last. Everyone has a journey. Some ropes just stop. They were meant to just stop. Some are put on hold. They were meant to be put on hold. Some keep growing. It is what it is.

We live on God’s time not ours. I don’t want that demon of hurt in my life. No. It doesn’t belong here. It is not welcomed here. That is hard, but anxiety and worry is not worth it. Love doesn’t bring those into your life. Love doesn’t change its mind. Love grows forward, not backwards. It doesn’t create chaos. It creates a wanting to be. A surety.

If you are struggling as I am, keep plowing. No one said it would be easy. To me, nothing in life is actually worth it if it comes easy. It is always worth more when you work for it.

Trusting in self is the most important thing to do. That’s God telling you what to do. If it’s uncomfortable, hell-smell, then that’s God moving you.Oh, how I know that feeling. Trust in it. The comfort zone is just stagnation.

What leaves may find it’s way back, then again, maybe it won’t. If after hurt, it does come back, don’t make it too easy…if love exist, it will prove itself, you won’t have to do anything. Please don’t feel pity for me. I’m doing my gift and that brings me joy. A lot of joy. God is great all the time!

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