(September 23, 2019)―Tests. My son and his wife are beginning a great big one. Last night, I got a call from him telling me, after being broke down on an interstate last night for eight hours, a car plowed into the back of his camper and caught fire. Him and his wife and their dog was able to escape before the fire consumed their camper and truck. You see they are travelers and work on the road, so that was their home.
After he called, I tried to call my daughter. She’s still not talking to me again. So, I called my dad, then called my baby son. He said something that brought anger up in me. He told me his dad already called him. That meant that my older son had called my ex-husband before calling me. I was hurt. Then this morning my older sister called. I just needed someone to rant to I guess. I told her I that my daughter wasn’t talking to me again and it hurt. I blamed the ex for changing her heart. I called him a narcissist and said he was evil. It didn’t take long for her to get off the phone with me.
Why am I telling you? Because I have to. Stay. I will explain.
Guilt fell on me after both of those conversations. I shouldn’t still be feeling this. But I’m hurt still because of how my family put me after the ex. I talked with God last night. I prayed for my son and his wife.
After I spoke with my sister, I got my coffee and sat down and opened the Bible. The following Scriptures was the first page I saw. I had not been to these pages since 2007. There are red marks all over this page. Those marks are in bold within the passages.
I was scolded! Not by God this time, but by Jesus!
Erase Anger's Mark
to fix the heart
erase…has to go–
–leaving not one trace
so how to start
cleansing this heart
to forgive all debts
forgive being brought
by another's empty head
completely put love
in every place
when their name
is but a trace–
on any person's tongue
–not one word, or thought
in any formed base
–can hate lace
how to remove
that keeps wanting
to have its course
how to convert it
the resentment glove
wipe anger away
I ask for this answer
–this tiny little favor
if I'm to be a teacher
–a hurt healer
please tell, my Lord†
my own heart–
how do I wipe it off–
those who broke it
those who never
or gave reason for it–
–how do I cleanse it
so I can teach it
David said I wasn’t alone in the room. I knew it, too. I got this overwhelming sadness and thought that I had to go to confession. This has happened a number of times since June. (I explain this more later in this post.) No longer can my sins linger. I have to acknowledge them immediately and deal. So I sat there and confessed, out loud, how I felt, why I was feeling the way I felt, and what was I’m going to do about it. I had to acknowledge that it’s not really anger like in ‘Erase Anger’s Mark’, but it’s more resentment than anything. I’ve been struggling with this for a very long time. And I had to acknowledge that and consider it. Then part of my dealing is to write about it and share it.
I’m the middle child of three. I always felt different and I was treated as such. I think I began resenting when I was just a child. Why did I have to get the ugly one? Why did I get left out? Why can’t I go? Why? Why? Why? And this carried over into my adult life. I fought this feeling inside. And for years, I think it was winning. Then it began to arise again as my marriage went down hill. Why doesn’t he ask me out? Why do I have to do everything? Why do I have to work outside the home, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc. etc.?
This resentment began to build. It came crashing down when my fibro got worse with all these symptoms coming out when I turned forty. I couldn’t take bright lights or the heat, so I stayed inside most of the time. Then my feet started giving me problems and I barely could walk on the bottoms, at times, so I stopped working. I stayed working in my studying as much as possible, doing my best to keep my focus off the pain. Things weren’t right and when I finally acknowledged it, I was wrong. I resented that, too.
My resentment began to build in epic proportions. I tried not to feel it. When those close to me get what they need out of me then disappear, I resent that most of all and I spice it up with anger. I’m not really angry. I’m just hurt. And I don’t live back there, I’m just hurt.
My children are the most important things to me on earth. And when they were growing up, we were extremely close. They were my everything.When my marriage fell apart and all those who I thought would be on my side, wasn’t, it hurt a lot. I’ve forgiven them. Then my children’s hearts seemed turned from me. I resent the ex-husband completely for that and then I began to resent my children for that. My spice in anger began pillaging their love for me and I didn’t have any control. I learned about triggers and such in therapy, and I learned how to control it. Or so I thought.
Hearing that my son called the ex before me brought on a trigger. It didn’t make me angry. It broke my heart. It shouldn’t have. I should have been happy that my son called another human being. And he probably called a man because a man would best understand and give advice that another man would understand. Mothers, we are soft, so we would add trauma to an already traumatic event. My son called when his emotions settled down. He didn’t want me to hear the fear in his voice, so he waited. This is what David made me see today.
And trying to talk to my sister about my daughter was not good. She has enough issues and can’t give me sound enough advice right now, and she has a lot of sadness currently so her energy is a bit negative. She is working really hard to iron this out and I’m so proud of her for doing so, but she wasn’t the one to talk to about this right now. I so miss my mom. She always knew the right things to say. Well, not always, but later in life, she did say the right things.
I learned that I don’t have her to call anymore, so I have to figure out how to deal with issues alone…trusting in my spiritual connection…my intuition and my faith. What Jesus says below is the cold-hearted truth. It hurts, but it is also a joy knowing that I’m scolded…I’m told what I need to fix. I’ll go through each passage with you and I hope that what Jesus says and what I’ve learned helps you in some way.
Warning About Temptation—(Matthew) ‘Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be throw into eternal fire. (Mark) And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, where ‘their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched,’ (Isaiah 66:24). Everyone will be salted with fire. ‘Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other.’—Matthew 18:7-9:1, Mark 9:43-50:1, Luke 17:1
NOTES: When Jesus says, ‘Such things must come.’ He means that we must go through tests and someone has to do something to us in order for us to experience the test. Then He says, ‘but woe to the man through whom they come!’ He’s saying that if we do someone wrong and don’t repent, then we are in serious trouble. We have to realize that God uses us to test each other. We have to see the test, then we have to heal and repent. It’s not for anyone to tell us, but it helps if someone tells us what we are doing wrong so that we can fix it, because a lot of times we can’t see it for ourselves.
When we hurt others, we have to see it and resurrect from it. We committed a sin. We have to forgive ourselves. We have to ask for forgiveness from the one we hurt. These things have to happen. If we say, ‘I’m sorry,’ we have to truly mean it. And the other person has to accept it and forgive us. That’s how it works.
If we don’t do these things, then we suffer more. That is what He is saying in the rest of this passage. The metaphors used are telling us that it is better to lose our pride and ego and repent and say we are sorry than to not do it because we have to answer to everything we do and that determines if we go to the light or to the pit. Saying, ‘I’m sorry,’ is the hardest thing to do. Asking for someone whom we hurt to forgive us is often described as tucking our tail between our legs and doing it. In a way, that is what setting our pride and ego aside feels like.
This is how setting resentment aside feels like. It’s a constant of ignoring how others behave towards me and how they treat me that’s so hard for me. I feel like I’m bowing down constantly. But it’s not this world that we have to please. We aren’t doing these things to please people. We are doing these things to please the Lord.
Works Done in Jesus’ Name—‘Teacher,’ said John, ‘we saw a man driving out demons in Your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.’ ‘Do not stop him,’ Jesus said. ‘No one who does a miracle in My name can in the next moment say anything bad about Me, for whoever is not against us is for us. I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in My name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward.’—Matthew 9:38-41, Luke 9:49,50
NOTES: This passage is a big scolding to me. Jesus is telling me that I’m writing for the Lord, for Him and I’m way pass the sinning side of life. He’s telling me that I have to deal with this issue of resentment once and for all. We do have a choice in what we do. Just because I hear God and Jesus’ voice and I get messages and signs and such doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m so freaking human! This made me see how precious Jesus actually is. Being a human is so damn hard! And Jesus never sinned. No matter what. He was 33 when He went to heaven. And never sinned! I’m not Jesus. But He’s telling me that I have a much bigger responsibility now. He’s telling me that I’ve been given spiritual gifts by the Holy Spirit and that I can no longer live like I once did. This is partly coming from David. I was wrong last night and this morning. I had no right to say what I said. I have to learn to recognize this trigger, this feeling and wash it away from my heart.
Rebuke and Discipline—‘If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’ (Deuteronomy 19:15). If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.’—Matthew 18:15-17
NOTES: He says, ‘…treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.’ I don’t know how people treated pagans or what a pagan really means, but I understand the tax collector part. With respect…that is what He is saying. He says tell them what they did wrong and if they don’t listen, do not hate them or get angry with them, just respect them and move on. In the anger stage of the five stages of grief, I didn’t do this very well. In fact, for the past seven years, I haven’t done this well. I see how the older generations deal with this so much better. They have lived! They learned this valuable lesson by living through it. I understand now. This is the time in life when a person gets to that point when nothing bothers them because they have seen the tests, they understand God, and they know that this too shall pass. Thank you my Lord for such a valuable scolding.
Apostles Given Authority—‘I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by My Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in My name, there am I with them.’—Matthew 18:18-20
NOTES: My sister told me on the phone to come home. I told her I didn’t want to move back home. She said but you are alone, you don’t have any family around. Being shown this passage…nice, my Lord. I still don’t want to go home. I know I’m alone right now, but I know I won’t be for long. So, I’ll be patient. But while I’m living alone, I have to be my own keeper. I have to bind good here on earth. There’s no one to tell me the good from the bad, so I have to figure it out for myself. I said and thought wrong last night and this morning. As a messenger of God, changing this is very important. I’ve learned really hard reality on several occasions since all this began for me. I can’t too much do things that aren’t of God. If I do one thing, then He is right there scolding me.
I have written about the cloud or mist that visits me. I know what it is. There’s nothing like it! It fills me up with joy, and it can make me feel extremely sad. It actually makes me feel like a child. It’s the Holy Spirit. David has confirmed this. When I first saw this cloud in my apartment, I cried. It brings that much joy. I should say He. When He approves of something I do, He comes. This has happened too many times now since my testimony to count.
It’ll come and lingered and put thoughts in my mind. Like on several occasions I was made to confess sins that I’ve had. I have to do this out loud. The cloud stays until He is satisfied that I’ve said what’s expected. He comes to scold me. I’m not kidding. I got mad one night and got pillows and blanket and laid on the floor. I was pretty much like a little girl rebelling. I fussed at God and cried. Well, the next day, He came. He linger over the mess in the kitchen, over the pillows and blankets on the floor. I got the feeling put inside me to NOT sleep on the floor again!
I think I’ve become use to Him showing up, so much that I miss Him. Like a kid trying to please her father I guess. When I write something that I know is from Him, I wait. I sort of get a bit disappointed when He doesn’t come. I’ve had some heavy things to write lately and I ask David if it’s good or if He approves because He hasn’t shown up for a while. Well that changed night before last.
I’ve been working on my website all week. Hours and hours. I was told to take a break from meditation and do this work. I also get writings to do. So, I’ve been really busy. I’m told that God wants all these pictures put up for the world to see. I’m nervous about it. This is very, very personal, but God wants this. He wants people to know about Him. Jesus wants me to teach how to talk to Him. They want people to know that the signs they send are from them and very real. And…me knowing that I’m working for God, I’ve got to get it right…be as professional as I can. But I get weary because I work so much that I miss out on everything. I have been complaining about this. I’ve been asking for help for a long time. He wants me to do this work by myself for some reason. And it is lonely work! So, I voiced my opinion as I always do.
This night, I finished my work for the night and was sitting at my table. I had a small light in the kitchen on and was listening to some music, thinking about going to bed. It was around 3 a.m. I was really tired. Suddenly, it happened. Only a bit different. It’s hard enough to see Him in the light. I know He’s there. I know the air has changed. I know the space is different, but there’s always a doubt, Is He really here? Since I had most of the lights off, I guess He had to get thick, meaning the cloud, in order for me to see Him…to be sure that I knew He was there. It’s sort of like in a large number of pictures that I’ve posted. He darkens my light on my camera in order to reveal something.
So, I’m sitting there and there He was. There was zero mistaking He was in the room! I didn’t even have to put on my glasses to make sure of what I was seeing. I was filled with joy. He came to give me His approval on the work I’ve done thus far. He came and lingered for about a minute then left. The room gets this cloud in it, then it clears. That’s the Holy Spirit my friend!
Well, this morning, He came. He wasn’t as thick but the emotion He put in me was. He wasn’t happy with me because of the things I said. I had to confess. I had to talk it out. This is what happens when you work for God. He holds you accountable quickly and makes you deal immediately. You can’t deny Him. It’s God!
Peter Asks About Forgiveness—(Matthew) Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Luke) If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.’—Matthew 18:21,22, Luke 17:3b,4
NOTES: He’s not saying here that it is okay to sin seven times a day. No. He’s not saying that AT ALL. He’s saying that if someone sins against you, no matter how many times, to forgive them no matter what. This is unconditional love. This is telling me to forgive and let go. He’s telling me that I can’t make a person change. I can’t make them repent. I can’t make them say, ‘I’m sorry.’ But I must forgive anyways! And…here…He’s telling me that I must!
Parable of Servants in Debt—‘Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settled accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him, ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
‘But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him, ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
‘Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay all he owed. This is how My heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.’—Matthew 18:23-35
NOTES: And to drive that home, this passage. He’s saying that I can’t ask for forgiveness from Him then not forgive someone else. Point driven home like the BOSS that He is! And feeling resentment is not forgiving. He’s saying it’s time to end this mess in my heart. That other people have done me wrong and that’s on them. He’s telling me that God asked me to write for Him, to see for Him…that means that I’m worthy in God’s eyes! So I shouldn’t be worried about how others think of me or worry about what others say about me. It doesn’t matter.
He’s telling me to be a healer, I have to be healed. I have to release this resentment totally. He’s telling me not to be a hypocrite…that now that I know the truth, there’s no turning back.
Forgiveness. It is not just about forgiving in general, it’s about all the little parts that go along with hurt…anger, resentfulness. It’s setting ego and pride aside. It’s not bowing down. It’s living up to God’s standards. It’s what truth is all about.
This was my lesson, but I hope that it helps you to understand things in your life. This wasn’t easy for me to admit. Our faults never are. God bless you always. In Jesus’ name may your journey reveal to you your truth and the gifts that God has for you and the mission He is waiting for you to do.