A sample from Book 1
I see your smiling face
then your hand raises in anger
—the heart skipping beats
feeling the ring on my finger
an automatic gesture
you say one that is stupid
—the heart had fallen
crippled by arrows of cupid
the line you wouldn’t cross
there’s not really any harm
—the heart closes
nerves rising with alarm
(March 22, 2016)—[‘Featured Hand’ was written in 2007.] The following was written in 2016 as the date noted. I wrote a lot in 2016 because that year I did the bulk of the formatting of My 12-Book Series. I didn’t know then that I’d end up with 12 and not 9 books. I didn’t know when I wrote this post that I’d be writing on my website in Las Vegas living with the sweet man who is no longer part of my life.
During the time of this writing, March, we were talking (he was the one who suggested I be more private in my life), and my stalker (the sweet man’s ex) was harassing me to the point of insanity. It would continue for the rest of 2016 and part of 2017 when we moved here to Vegas. I didn’t know it was all part of the narcissist triangle insanity. I didn’t know that all the anxiety and illness that I would face as my mother’s illness became worse, would bring me more strife inside my home. I didn’t know the sweet man would turn on me in such a foul way. I didn’t know a lot of things. But there are reasons for everything. The swing of the pendulum!
You can’t know what lies ahead. All you can do is trust that God does. As I put sample writings on this website from each of the books, I hope you get a taste of what my work is about. God always has a journey for us. We have to trust in that journey, no matter where it takes us, and use what He shows us to build our gifts to help other people. That is what it is all about.
(March 22, 2016)—Be patient with yourself. You are growing stronger every day. The weight of the world will become lighter…and you will begin to shine brighter. Don’t give up.There were many things going on in my life when I wrote ‘Featured Hand’.You will find this work among many up-beat works in my first book. Yes, reading my post here, it seems I’m all over the place when it comes to the whole series. In a way, I am. There are about 9 books in all.
Amazing is not even a word to describe the amount of writing I’ve done. I’m still formatting. I’m so military-like, needing them all to be uniform. My friend told me do one at a time. That’s a little hard because I need to refresh my memory on all of it to fully understand the beginning of it if that makes any sense. I need closure.
I guess you can say this is not only my year of work and the end of codependency but my year to close a door to this plague inside of me. I often times get this feeling I don’t want to do this anymore. But I know I have to. So, it’s easy to write to my readers on my progress. It keeps me going. So, I hope you don’t mind. I guess you’ve already figured it out that I’m not writing a story per-say.
The poetry is being put in order, but the commentary beneath them are not. The actual story of events comes out as the hurt heals. It’s why therapy is so important. Therapy draws the past out. A lot of it (the hurt), you tend to block until someone forces it out in a very unique way. At times, I pulled works from this period and posted, but most of the time I wrote on newer works about events that happened during this period. Healing is a process. Those who’ve traveled this road fully understand what I’m talking about.
If you’re going through it, trust me, it’s a back and forth thing. You are normal. I had something put in front of me today that really has me thinking really hard. I became the public Karen because I buried so much for so long that when everything finally blew up, everything fell perfectly align with x and his crazy scheme that it seemed to make me into this crazy lunatic. Basically, my anger stage in grief worked out to his benefit for a while.
I have this quote by Michael Rawls…Trust yourself. Think for yourself. Act for yourself. Be yourself. Imitation is suicide…on a pick sticky note taped to my monitor. I read it every day. Along my journey, many people have given me advice. Some good. Some bad. I listen. I don’t always take it. But today, the advice given hit my heart hard.
As I was scrolling through book one in Adobe Indesign, there stares at me ‘Featured Hand’. There is not a lot of evidence in this first book except for the commentary that there ever was abuse. I told my therapist this. She said: Exactly. There shouldn’t be. I had looked at her with a questionable face I’m sure. She noticed and said in so many words: It’s silent abuse, hence, silence. When you hear something like that, even after you’ve lived it, it makes you sink a little inside. I didn’t really see it before. I do now. It now sticks out like a yellow flower in a field of purple.
‘Featured Hand’ is one of those yellow flowers. The silence moved to physical in 2006. For me, it was brutal. I actually lost a few days. No, I didn’t have all kinds of bruises on me. No, I didn’t call the cops. No, I didn’t go to the hospital. I experienced one of those moments which is referred to by the older generations as dropping one’s basket.
I talk about it in commentaries over and over again during my healing phases. But I never pulled these pieces up. I buried them. I guess the strife I’ve been facing lately is really my own personal strife. I need to learn how to be the private Karen again without fear of being abused again. It is the same with the calm aspect of my healing. I can see in a way why God is forcing my hand here.
Abuse changes a person in so many ways. When, we the ones who were abused, don’t say anything, when no one believes us, we take the blame. We bury ourselves in so many things that we don’t get the luxury of living our own lives, hence, the amount of writing I’ve done throughout the years. We do this because of the denial of what is happening to us. We are embarrassed, unsure: Is this happening? We ask ourselves over and over again. We know something is wrong, but we can’t quite put our finger on it.
When the physical part happens, it sends us into oblivion, practically. For me, the physical didn’t happen again until after the separation, so there was so much confusion for years that I buried the turmoil so far deep within that I literally lost who I was inside. And when the abuser refuses to address the issue to help you understand, the turmoil is just that much worse.
I guess this is why I made myself so public in order to escape. It’s strange to read my work, read the emails and texts. When I tell my therapist about my confusion to why I did the things I did she tells me it was the swing of the pendulum. She said that I knew I had to get out, but he would draw me back in, giving me a false hope then rage again, then false hope. This constant change and then the total of silence in 2012 was what built the public Karen to the extreme.
You might find it odd that I can reveal such things about myself, but how many other women go through this battle, but use other means like drugs and such or even kill themselves because this swing of the pendulum literally drives them mad/insane?
It’s the middle of March, May is around the corner. That’s domestic awareness month. Since I’ve been single, this particular time of year has become special to me. It wasn’t of my choosing. It’s not a cause. It is an awareness of something that should not be happening at all. I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t happening. I’m here. God brought me here. I do want my private Karen back, too. That was something that was robbed from me because I feared ever being silent again. God says why fear…so, I ask Karen, why fear?
I can continue speaking out about abuse, guiding others on how to survive it, share my past story and still have a private Karen. The thought of actually having another private Karen has scared me to death…thinking about it I want to cry. It’s a part of healing I never, ever even considered. Truth. Our inside individual truth is the hardest to face. Learning to separate what I do for my fight against abuse and my private world is a good place to start.
God always has His way of showing us which road is meant for us. It causes us tears sometimes. It breaks our hearts sometimes. Trust yourself. God is in each one of us. Our hearts and in our minds. The devil tries to destroy the good in us. Regaining our ground…taking back what was lost…no…getting back what was lost has to be done on faith alone.
My therapist said that Job lost everything: His family (wife, children), his fortune. Then after he did what God wanted him to do, he received it all back plus more. How is that possible? That’s the question to ask…but he did. He got it all back plus more. All things are possible with God. So why worry? She’s right. You are worth love. God will bring it. Trust in Him. I know I do.
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Additional On Abuse…Codependency, Narcissism, Trauma…and Healing
(Each page has loads of additional books (in every format), videos, instruction materials, and inspiration gift ideas.):
I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
I Am Malala: How One Girl Stood Up for Education and Changed the World by Malala Yousafzai
Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
Pathways to Recovery, A Strengths Recovery Self-Help Workbook by Priscilla Ridgway, Diane McDiarmid, Lori Davidson, Julie Bayes, and Sarah Ratzlaff
Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger
The Anger Control Workbook: Getting Through Treatment and Getting Back to Your Life by Dr. Matthew McKay and Dr. Peter Rogers.
Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts – Becoming the Person You Want to Be by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter