‘Frustrated Notions’

Don’t let anyone halt your dreams!

A sample from Book 11

 Frustrated Notions
the planes fly
just as they did when I died
‒came back alive
music still plays
on the radio
in the same way
as back in the day
when every piece of life
seemed to just go away
the sun shines
even in a different state
everything's find
except one‒
a meaning in define
the way...crossing that line
‒the other side
of the rhythm and rhyme
plagued in this frustrated notion
a little self-induced commotion
focus on you indication
‒away from all the ramifications
that sunk me in damnation
knowing from which it all comes
‒sometimes, stuck in dumb
waiting around‒
dropped bread crumbs
to build an inside beating strum
from some kind of outward drum
that never seems to come
this fucked up halt
‒encaged self-provided vault
has it all locked
a walled-up block
as time keeps ticking
on the clock
fight, fight, fight
it's all there in sight
just one more night
‒do what's right
minus the blight
winds still blow
waters still flow
as imagined thoughts flaunt
its desire to haunt
just playing its taunt
fight, fight, fight
climb that final mountain top
‒don't stop
as planes fly
as the sun shines
as winds blow
as waters flow
‒it's all God's† big show
to the other side
it's time for the ride
feel the second half of life
without any
frustrating tides

(October 19, 2017)—So many families destroyed because of abuse of any kind. So many lives mixed up.—I wrote this on Feb. 24, 2017. The day I wrote ‘Dedications Unfold.’I was leaving. It was a hard decision. I had forgotten about this poem until today while I was editing.

Strange how God shows us when we are lost. I’ve been lost. Tormented. Not by my past, but by my future and my present. I’m struggling…then ‘Dedications Unfold!’ (This work is in Book 11.) There’s a lot going on inside of me…a lot I can’t explain. I have this very clear mind, focus, then nothing. Is it fibro? Or is it something else? I don’t know.

What I do know is that in my moments of clarity, things are so clear…I know exactly what I’m doing and where I’m headed. To get to that place, I know what I have to do…then I stop.

‘Frustrated Notions’ I wrote today. It’s clammy, scary how these two works are speaking to me. I’m procrastinating. I’m creating drama…yes, I did say that. I’m heeding to others’ drama. I’m doing everything…except what I have to do.

I watched Rudy last night. I love that movie. Against all odds Rudy had his moment on that Notre Dame football field. His dream. He didn’t ask to be the star player. He didn’t ask to play that winning touch down. He just asked to play on that field. He had to prove himself to himself. He did. He got that play!

I have a number of films that I watch over and over to inspire me. It’s hard to keep going when you have no idea if what you are doing will make any kind of difference…you just have the faith that it will. It’s hard when you don’t know the end game, but you do know your end game.

I know my end game. I know what I asked for. I asked to be delivered from my darkness and in return I would write these books and publish them. I didn’t ask to be rich. I didn’t ask to be famous. Like Rudy, I asked for one thing…I asked for peace. I know my peace will not be given to me until I finish my part of the deal. You don’t have to understand that. It’s not for you to understand.

I moved out here in late February of this year. ‘Dedications Unfold’ says exactly why, as well as how I felt about my why. I knew my children wouldn’t get it. I knew hearts would be broken. Sometimes, you have to follow your heart to save your heart.

I’ve been here over six months. I’m almost there. The fact is I’m playing around. Sit down and fucking finish!…so many things swarm in my head and I’m battling against myself. I’m afraid of the end game! That realization hit me hard…but it is true. Jesus said not to fear. I’m doing this for my children. I’m doing this to not be angry any more. I’m not stopping until I finish.

So, if you hear I’m in the hospital or whatever…fuck it…I’m still not quitting! That devil can fuck with me all it wants…I’m not quitting. Whatever the purpose of this here journey…it’s fucking getting hard…God’s at the head of this ship. Jesus take the wheel!—as tears swell in my eyes…I miss my babies! I’m not quitting!

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Author: k. e. leger

I'm a writer.

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