‘Frustrated Notions’

A sample from Book 11

 Frustrated Notions
  
 the planes fly
 just as they did when I died
 ‒came back alive
  
 music still plays
 on the radio
in the same way
 as back in the day
 when every piece of life
 seemed to just go away
  
 the sun shines
even in a different state
 everything's find
except one‒
 a meaning in define
 the way...crossing that line
 ‒the other side
of the rhythm and rhyme
  
 plagued in this frustrated notion
 a little self-induced commotion
 focus on you indication
 ‒away from all the ramifications
 that sunk me in damnation
  
 knowing from which it all comes
 ‒sometimes, stuck in dumb
 waiting around‒ 
dropped bread crumbs
 to build an inside beating strum
 from some kind of outward drum
 that never seems to come
  
 this fucked up halt
 ‒encaged self-provided vault
 has it all locked
a walled-up block
 as time keeps ticking
on the clock
  
 fight, fight, fight
  
 it's all there in sight
just one more night
 ‒do what's right
minus the blight
  
 winds still blow
waters still flow
 as imagined thoughts flaunt
 its desire to haunt
 just playing its taunt
  
 fight, fight, fight
  
 climb that final mountain top
 ‒don't stop
 as planes fly
as the sun shines
 as winds blow
as waters flow
 ‒it's all God's† big show
 to the other side
it's time for the ride
 feel the second half of life
 without any
frustrating tides

(October 19, 2017)—So many families destroyed because of abuse of any kind. So many lives mixed up.—I wrote this on Feb. 24, 2017. The day I wrote ‘Dedications Unfold.’I was leaving. It was a hard decision. I had forgotten about this poem until today while I was editing.

Strange how God shows us when we are lost. I’ve been lost. Tormented. Not by my past, but by my future and my present. I’m struggling…then ‘Dedications Unfold!’ (This work is in Book 11.) There’s a lot going on inside of me…a lot I can’t explain. I have this very clear mind, focus, then nothing. Is it fibro? Or is it something else? I don’t know.

What I do know is that in my moments of clarity, things are so clear…I know exactly what I’m doing and where I’m headed. To get to that place, I know what I have to do…then I stop.

‘Frustrated Notions’ I wrote today. It’s clammy, scary how these two works are speaking to me. I’m procrastinating. I’m creating drama…yes, I did say that. I’m heeding to others’ drama. I’m doing everything…except what I have to do.

I watched Rudy last night. I love that movie. Against all odds Rudy had his moment on that Notre Dame football field. His dream. He didn’t ask to be the star player. He didn’t ask to play that winning touch down. He just asked to play on that field. He had to prove himself to himself. He did. He got that play!

I have a number of films that I watch over and over to inspire me. It’s hard to keep going when you have no idea if what you are doing will make any kind of difference…you just have the faith that it will. It’s hard when you don’t know the end game, but you do know your end game.

I know my end game. I know what I asked for. I asked to be delivered from my darkness and in return I would write these books and publish them. I didn’t ask to be rich. I didn’t ask to be famous. Like Rudy, I asked for one thing…I asked for peace. I know my peace will not be given to me until I finish my part of the deal. You don’t have to understand that. It’s not for you to understand.

I moved out here in late February of this year. ‘Dedications Unfold’ says exactly why, as well as how I felt about my why. I knew my children wouldn’t get it. I knew hearts would be broken. Sometimes, you have to follow your heart to save your heart.

I’ve been here over six months. I’m almost there. The fact is I’m playing around. Sit down and fucking finish!…so many things swarm in my head and I’m battling against myself. I’m afraid of the end game! That realization hit me hard…but it is true. Jesus said not to fear. I’m doing this for my children. I’m doing this to not be angry any more. I’m not stopping until I finish.

So, if you hear I’m in the hospital or whatever…fuck it…I’m still not quitting! That devil can fuck with me all it wants…I’m not quitting. Whatever the purpose of this here journey…it’s fucking getting hard…God’s at the head of this ship. Jesus take the wheel!—as tears swell in my eyes…I miss my babies! I’m not quitting!

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