‘Jealousy’s Observation’

 Jealousy's Observation
  
 it grips you down
to your very soul
 ‒this thing called jealousy
 it shows you
what's in fantasy
 leaving you
bitter and cold
  
 its words and suggestions
carelessly sold
 ripping the heart apart‒
all its solidity and tranquility
 leaving you‒
feeling stripped and clammy
 digging in deep
‒a body in hold
  
 its lasting contribution
its actions in bold
 making you do things‒
out of your personality
 testing
every bit of your sanity
 ‒evil's little
thought-provoking troll
  
 it destroys everything‒
in the know
 leaving in its wake‒
anger and atrocity
 leaving the heart weakened‒
 as evil encages
its vulnerability
 ‒awakening everything
in corrode

(April 2, 2019) I have been going through a great trail lately and I did the first thing almost every woman does: I cried and cried. For me that crying is mixed with a lot of confusion and anxiety because of my disabilities. It’s a hard fight to get out of that. I’m not done. But…writing calms me, so after much debate with myself and God, I started writing again. I haven’t posted a lot of it. It’s coming…I assume.

My debate is a serious one. A personal one. Towards the end of Book 12, I write about my intervention and that I kept getting the words go deep. I was to tackle my sins straight on. You don’t go through strife without getting scrapped, and without scrapping others. I didn’t tackle all my sins in that book. That was my debate. And part of that deep was shown to me today byway of the following Scripture, which the commentators of my Bible titled Jealousy and Opposition:

On the next Sabbath almost the whole city gathered to hear the word of the Lord. When the Jews saw the crowds, they were filled with jealousy and talked abusively against what Paul was saying. Then Paul and Barnabas answered them boldly: ‘We had to speak the word of God to you first. Since you reject it and do not consider yourselves worthy of eternal life, we now turn to the Gentiles. For this is what the Lord has commanded us: ‘I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth.’—Acts 13:44-47

‘Jealousy’s Observation’…I had a bit of jealousy growing up, but I hid it. I didn’t see a need to address it. It is what it is. I dated a boy for six years and there were a few moments of jealousy, and I caught myself doing that showing off deal like all teenagers do. I didn’t like it and I did my best not to act upon it. I had on and off relationships (nothing to brag about) between that relationship and my marriage, and I made comments here and there, but it wasn’t a big deal. In fact, one of the comments I made ended with me being life-long friends with the other girl!

During my marriage, there was no jealousy on both parts up until the last few years. That’s when my naïve self started putting two and two together and they just didn’t add up. I acted upon just one of the incidents that I questioned. Was I right about what I was jealous over? I have not one clue. Was I right to be jealous? No.

I was never jealous of what other people had. I just kept busy building my world thinking it was solid and would be forever. I was wrong. Should I have paid more attention, maybe, get jealous? I have not one clue on that either. When it all blew up, I did my fight then gave up. I returned to my principle from when I was young: Don’t fight for what doesn’t want you.

Oh, I did do my fight during my anger stage. It was a mixed, confusion type of fight. I was very angry and that emotion controlled basically my whole self…Book 5. It took over a year to get through that mess. Once I moved, so much bad had happened, that I closed my heart up…or it closed itself.

When I started a new relationship, a very slow move, I felt no jealousy. I just didn’t care. Then my heart got involved. Of course, I fell too hard, too soon…as my doctor said, I wasn’t prepared for it. But I welcomed the emotion because before that moment, I was so empty inside…cold as fuck. I didn’t think I could feel again. That is Book 8.

Then the jealousy came. Why? The stalker. Books 8 and 9. (I didn’t give her actions much address directly, but the poetry work shows my strife.) That women did a good job on me. Whatever was involved in that…as a result, jealousy became a forefront emotion for me that just burned beneath my skin like fire. I hated that emotion and still do.

To understand the emotion of jealousy and why we have it, we have to understand what jealousy is. Psychology Today describes it perfectly:

Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. It strikes both men and women and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or imagined. Not limited to romantic relationships, jealousy can also arise among siblings competing for parental attention, among co-workers, or in friendships. Jealousy is distinguished from envy in that jealousy always involves a third party seen as a rival for affection. Envy occurs between two people and is best summed up as ‘I want what you have.’ Although jealousy is a painful emotional experience, evolutionary psychologists regard it not as an emotion to be suppressed but as one to heed—as a signal, a wake-up call that a valued relationship is in danger and that steps need to be taken to regain the affection of one’s mate or friend. As a result, jealousy is seen as a necessary emotion, because it preserves social bonds. It motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain important relationships.

It’s interesting how the smart people say—…regard it not as an emotion to be suppressed but as one to heed—as a signal, a wake-up call that a valued relationship is in danger and that steps need to be taken to regain the affection of one’s mate or friend. It’s interesting because research says narcissist do that triangular deal using an ex as the third party to get you to want them more.

When we experience jealousy, a lot of times the reactionary comes out of us, then the narcissist accuses us of being jealous, which causes yet another fight. It’s like a constant circle. They know flirting online and offline gets to you. They know it. Still they do it. That’s total disrespect. It’s them not you. But…always a but…there’s another side to all of this.

So…how do you control this type of emotion? I had an interesting conversation with a middle eastern man, very intelligent and educated…we talk about relationships every once in a while. He teaches me quite a bit about what a man thinks. Our latest conversation, he told me this—

…sometimes, I believe getting facts and truth about anything that is very close to our heart and very important to our life (like husband or a wife) is far worse than being unknown about him or her…you were curious about your husband and finally found that he’s cheating on you…and you decided to get separated…I believe getting to know about his privacy made your life worse (sorry for this statement if you didn’t think so)…I believe if you consciously try to ignore getting facts about his cheating…you can fix things up with time….

I understand what he is saying. I’ve been observing couples years and what always struck me was those couples who suffered strife in their marriage (an affair, affairs, abuse), and then found a way to survive the hurt and rekindle, and their marriage lasted. I often ask myself, ‘How did they do that?’

I made a promise to myself that when I get married again (and I will…all my talk about being alone is just talk…my heart knows better!), there will be no divorce. I’m not going through that again. The sweet man always said that it takes two years for a couple to get to know each other. Yes…possible. When it comes to a younger couple…sure. Older couples are a bit different. I just wrote about this. Older couples, especially those starting over, have stuff to get through. If they choose to live together, they are choosing to go through it all. It is a choice.

‘Jealousy’s Observation’…I believe communication is key. In my last relationship, we talked, but about the wrong things. I think relationships have to first be built on trust. Are you going to understand the things I do? Are you going to allow me to be me without trying to change me? etc., etc. I always wanted that you be you and let me be me…but it gets a bit confusing. During this last relationship, I couldn’t get myself together when it came to free time…if that makes sense. There were things missing in my marriage. Then the same things became missing in the next relationship because I had all this extra time, leaving me asking myself, ‘What am I doing wrong?’

The stalker! That crazy woman and who ever else was involved…strictly there to sabotage my work and my healing…implanted that emotion of jealousy by the things she kept sending to me. At the time, I was not prepared for that kind of strike. My mom was really sick, I was trying to rekindle with my baby, who was about 15 at the time, my daughter had left to be on her own…I had separate anxiety, codependency! Having a crazy stalker was not what I needed. Sure, I blocked her…from everything. She’d get new numbers, new profiles. It was maddening. Maybe, one day, I’ll find out exactly why this woman, and whoever else, did that, but I had to live with that new deep-seeded emotion of jealousy. And it destroyed my relationship with the sweet man.

Oh, I could easily say it was narcissism and all of that…but that would be placing the blame on something I should have control of. So, was the jealousy I experienced warning me? Probably. What was the proper measure to take? Anger? Ignore? Hostility? None of those.

‘Jealousy’s Observation’…As I write in this poem, jealousy destroys us. Literally. Now, is the other person making you jealous on purpose for fun and games? It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. As I’ve said so many times: If they leave, let them leave. You can’t control anyone’s heart. Period. Jealousy deceives us into thinking that we can! If they don’t leave, maybe what my middle eastern friend said: What we don’t know, doesn’t hurt.

And the proof is in the research. Here’s what Psychology Today says:

The Consequences of Jealousy―Valuable though it is as a signal to improve important relationships, jealousy has the potential to fuel damaging behavior. It can compel someone to obsessively monitor a partner’s communication, relationships, and whereabouts; attempt to lower a partner’s self-confidence; or even spur violent behavior. As a natural, universal emotion—even though it may feel taboo to discuss—acknowledging its presence can guide people in strengthening their relationships. Admitting to feelings of jealousy and exploring the emotions that underpin jealousy—notably the fear of losing someone who is loved—can avert angry arguments and pave the way for a productive conversation about what the relationship might be missing and how to repair the bond.

See that…that was me 100% in my relationship with the sweet man. Jealousy literally made me bat-shit crazy. I hated it every time I yelled, scream, wondered, obsessed over it…I wasted so much time! Or did I? I wrote through all of this. As I was going through this…I was learning about myself.

Remember: My main objective through the writing of the last three books was to break codependency. I lose sight of the emotion of jealousy altogether. Even in my final closing to Book 12, I never addressed jealousy! That is shocking to me. Today, was the first day that jealousy was pointed out to me in the Bible!

Should I have taken noticed earlier? Sure. I knew I felt jealous. I knew I reacted to it. The sweet man would constantly say, ‘I’m with you! I’m here every night!’ Then his triggers would be set off and cuss me to hell and back, and we’d have a drag out fight…at times, cops were called! See what jealousy does! But…again…maybe, I wasn’t ready to face it. Maybe, if I was directed to the topic of jealousy earlier, I would have denied I even had jealousy! We are always directed to things in the Bible when we are ready for the meat of it! Always remember that!

The Scripture…Paul tells the Jews that they rejected what they had to say, so they turned their backs and gave their sermon to the Gentiles! There it is.

Jealousy IS Rejection! We get jealous and we start an argument and never once think that the other person feels rejected because we haven’t accepted them for who they are. As goes the very first thing the sweet man ever posted on my Facebook wall…a quote by Dr. Seuss—Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. He was telling me then who he was and I didn’t listen. I rejected his let me be me!

During the last three years with the sweet man, I never looked at it this way. Never! See how the Bible clarifies things. This is the second time I’m lead to this passage. The first time was back in 2007 when I underlined in red―they were filled with jealousy! And I didn’t learn a damn thing! Of course, in my reasoning, in 2007, jealousy was the furtherest thing from my mind. So, I didn’t give it much attention. I guess since I didn’t have much experience with this emotion, when it hit me, it hit me hard and where it truly hurt. Should I blame anyone? I did. But…there’s always a but…I let it happened. I didn’t have control of my own facilities.

‘Jealousy’s Observation’…The bottom line to all of this: We will eventually feel the emotion of jealousy. We can either let it control us, or leave it be. You have to decide how much you value yourself and your relationship. That’s big! I valued myself. I valued my relationship. I still felt jealousy. I still let it enrage me. I still yelled, screamed, insulted…without thought! Why?

The Wrong Communication!If he would have let me know that maybe this flirting thing online, this friendly chat online was just a passion of his…I would have understood that. As my middle eastern friend mentioned…if communication is involved, then couples tolerate what they agree on. Say open relationships…I know a lot of couples who have these. It’s their choice. They talked about it, then agreed on it. No jealousy! The open flirting online/offline…if both agree, then it’s a go and jealousy has no place.

I’ve been writing about this forever…communication! The right kind. You can talk all day long about old girlfriends and boyfriends, politics, business, blaming each other, condemning each other, finding all the faults in each other…the wrong communication!

The right communication keeps couples together through the hard. What is that? Telling each other your secrets…not all, but the ones that you think would eventually come to light and maybe bring on hurt. Tell each other your real passions, dreams, what you really want in life. Tell each other your weaknesses. That’s really important. When the sweet man and I got together, I didn’t reveal I was disabled. I was afraid to. Why? Because I got it all from the x. Once you are diagnosed with fibro, or depression or PTSD…every single thing that comes out of your mouth…every single emotion…every single THING…is because we are crazy! That’s why!

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have held back. He held a lot back, too. We both fucked up. You shouldn’t be afraid of who you really are with the person you decide to share your life with. If you want stability and peace, you have to reveal your hidden ways…those things that you like to do, that brings you comfort…to the partner you let in your life. And letting someone IN your life is hard. Trust is important. If things aren’t revealed in the beginning, that trust gets less and less.

‘Jealousy’s Observation’…Jealousy breaks trust! Jealousy causes fights. Jealousy makes you lose faith. Jealousy twists your mind and puts things there that aren’t real. Jealousy destroys! You have free-will and a right to choose. When jealousy pounds on you (that’s that evil whore the devil by the way), you can either sulk in it and let it thrive (hate, name calling, invading privacy, breaking character, doing foolish things…you know…the stupid fucking shit jealousy makes us do!), OR you can let you be you and me be me…and work on that long-term deal, instead of wasting time in strife!

This my confession. I wasted three years on jealousy! Three years of my life down the tubes…in the love department…all because of jealousy! God knows what He’s doing. This is a serious sin…one of the Seven Deadly Sins! It’s a sin because it’s an evil emotion. Yes, it may warn us…but why should it do that in the first place? You can’t control another person. You can’t change another person. If they leave, they leave. They weren’t meant for you. Let them go.

I let jealousy rule me. I let jealousy chain me to the place I was living. I didn’t want to go anywhere’s because I feared he would see someone behind my back! That was insane! Jealousy! I was so busy with my books that I just let it all control me. And…I didn’t do a damn thing about it.

‘Jealousy’s Observation’…The last part of this article: Not trying to improve the relationship because of the anger jealousy brings on!I refused to cook, I didn’t clean house that well, I refused to stop egging the argument on, I refused to let it rest, I refused to exercise, I refused to take care of myself…I just worked on my books and sulked in my misery. I did. I gained 45 pounds! I didn’t follow any of my beauty routines. I didn’t keep in touch with my family and friends.

I never revealed this before. I never was led to jealousy in the Bible…I felt what it was doing to me, but I let it take control. Why was I so jealous? Again…I let the stalker’s bullshit words in. I let other people’s argument be mine. I let other people control how I felt! I did that!

Jealousy generally refers to the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, over relative lack of possessions. Jealousy can consist of one or more emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness or disgust. In its original meaning, jealousy is distinct from envy, though the two terms have popularly become synonymous in the English language, with jealousy now also taking on the definition originally used for envy alone. ―Wikipedia

I can blame other people all day and all night…it still doesn’t change the fact that I allowed this dreadful emotion to control the last three years of my life! And I barely touched on it in My 12-Book Series! That goes to show you how powerful this emotion can be. I blamed it on narcissism. I blamed it on him flirting. I blamed. I had a right to blame at the end of my marriage. For a brief, very brief time. Then it was on me. This time around…no…I’m to blame.

Not a good thing. We have to take care of our minds. We have to take care of our bodies. We have to take care of our hearts. I battle with PTSD and depression. I battle so hard that, at times, I’m literally unable to make a move…take care business, call (that’s a big one), fight for myself (except if it’s someone close to me…my mouth gets me in trouble with loved ones!). I was a fool to allow jealousy to be added to this. What was I thinking!

If you’re thinking he’s cheating, move on. If you live with him, become the best you possible! He’s either going to take notice or walk. If he walks, he’s not the one. You share each other’s secrets for a reason…LOVE! You have to understand each other…what makes each other tick, what fetishes each other likes, etc., etc. Share. That’s important.

During my conversation with my friend, something came up that has come up many times in my discussions with friends: As your relationship moves forward, the same old sex gets boring. Now some of us are the aggressors and some of us submit. I’m more of the submit type of person. So, to the submit person, the aggressor has to say, ‘This is fucking boring!’ Maybe, not like that, but…communication!

Change it up. Take it to the living room, the bathroom, the park, the car…be creative. I used to push the Fifty Shades of Grey because those books boosted many couple’s sexual experience to the highest heights…get some toys. Play. It does get boring after a while…the same old position! If the aggressor doesn’t speak up…affairs happen!

Keep jealousy out of your life. Concentrate on you. The sweet man kept telling me this! Jealousy was stronger. It’s very hard to admit this. But I have to. You can’t move forward in life if you don’t come to terms with your wrong behavior, sins, fuck-ups, hurtful discretions. I’m working on mine. So, maybe, MY side curves can help you avoid a lot of unnecessary ones in your life.

Check out My 12-Book Series. All the descriptions for each book is there. If you have a question about which one to buy, message me. I’d be glad to help. Sometimes, we can’t see what’s causing our stupid reactions and behaviors unless someone points them out or we read something that points it out. Three years…and this is the first time I actually face jealousy! After it’s too late. Don’t wait until it’s too late.