‘Lies vs Deception’

A sample from Book 5…This is what Anger and Denial looks like!

 Lies vs Deception
  
 everyone lies
ones needed to get by
 ―little white ones
sometimes a big one
 ―not for fun
more to avoid
heavy explanation
  
 we can forgive some
an immediate redemption
 others
take time for calculation
 eventually
forgiveness does come
  
 not everyone deceives
 a lie used to covet
to hid beneath it
 a little white lie that grows
without a why
 making someone believe
 ―hoping honesty
they receive
  
 lies used to deceive
 turning facts to fiction
deep wombs to leave
 forgiveness
given no consideration
  
 small lies
we often give
 makes lives
easier to live
 deceptions hide
reality's gift
 closing hearts
helping them die

(June 19, 2012)—This is a personnel note to my family, friends and [x]. Read it and understand it because it’s the last time I’m writing about this…the last! The future stories you want to make up, the future rumors you want to spread…is your business. I no longer care. If you want to be in my life and want me to be a part of your life, then you’ll have to put me there…I’m not going to fight for my position any longer.

I’m ME…the same ME I’ve always been. I’m not going to change for anyone. If you don’t like me, then it’s because you don’t know me at all. If you want to know me, then talk to me, don’t be a hypocrite and know me through talk of others because you will never actually know me or understand who I AM.

I got word yesterday that I have a list somewhere in the house of —- men that I want to be with…I searched for this list…couldn’t find it. Of course, they’d be no list because there was only ONE person in this area that I ever wanted to be with and, well, I hurt him, he hurt me, and love is just not worth the work, so we called it quits! That’s the jest of it!

There was no one else on either part (although I had my assumptions and point-blank asked him…any normal woman would have done the same if their man changed the way mine has. And my man went through several of these changes during our marriage and each time I asked, he responded in a violent, angry manner which further heightened my assumption.

I explained to him in great detail about these assumptions and he chose to ignore me and not make it better. Any woman would feel the way I do if their man just stopped paying attention to them. The difference between those that do feel this way and me is that I won’t accept it and continue to remain stale in a stalled union with a man who made promises and just couldn’t keep them. I will no longer accept being violated in any manner.

If your man attacks you physically and belittles you that’s on your part if you choose to stay. He wins and has control over you. Sorry, I’m in control of my own life.). Further more, there was no one else either of us wanted that I know of, although he straight-up admitted he thought of it. This union pretty much ended on our anniversary March 19, 2012 (18 years of marriage, 1 year of dating). Anything I’ve done since is on my part.

I chose to be open so the rumor mill wouldn’t take over, but there are those on the outside of this union who decided they will heightened the debts of this breakup without thought of who they hurt. Because of their actions, my daughter and my son have been hurt so deep that I have no idea how to make it better. Because of their actions, [x] and I won’t end this as friends. Because of their actions, [x’s] heart has hardened probably to the debts that he himself doesn’t even understand and he can’t find his way through it. I can’t help him. I can’t make him happy. He is the only one that can do that. I’m now concentrating on me…making myself happy. That’s something I know I have control over.

Let me make it clear right here: When I started laying it out for all to see here, I think it was my way of forcing myself not to run back into his arms and beg for his love or forgiveness because I have no idea what that is anymore. I’m tired of having to explain myself to anyone especially to [x]. I’m NOW DONE! He loses.

You won’t be hearing me talk about him anymore. I really don’t care if I ever see him again. He’s wrong. I’ve tried everything…asked for counseling…he said no. Every time I tried to talk to him about this union…he reacted in a verbal-abusive manner. They’ll be no more cards, no more love letters, no more anything. He doesn’t even want to try. And the fact is I no longer want to try anymore either. Too many things have been said and I have come to understand the limit to which I can take.

He told me in January to pack your shit and get the f…k out of my house! Sorry, it’s not just his house. I put just as equal amount of time, energy, money etc into this home. I’m staying. He also said that he’s doing things for HIS kids. Sorry, again. It’s OUR kids. I’m tired of this selfish, egotistic new person he’s become. So, go forth.

He wants to live in an apartment, not see his kids on a regular basis, not have to worry about fixing this house, not have to worry about finishing this house or tending to all the B.S. that he started around here because he said he liked it and now I’m left with, not worrying about cleaning after his kids, etc., etc. Then so be it. I have had enough of the whining, the I’m all right and you’re the root of all my miseries and the childish blame game.

In 19 years, all’s been an equal decision. All, until he stopped caring. He wants me to stop being angry then stop giving me reasons to. I’m saying this here because he doesn’t want to talk about this…refuses. Why? Because right now he’s a coward and all his so called friends and my family can’t see this for what it is. We, HIS family, he’d rather not have to be bothered with. It’s gotten too hard so all of his hurt and all of his anger and all of his personal disappointments…he now dumps on me.

I have had enough. I’m no longer a dumping ground. I’m tired of people who are not happy with their own lives taking their disappointments out on me. I went for what I wanted…I care about what I look like. I’m not afraid to say what’s on my mind. I’m not afraid to look at things for what they really are. If you don’t then that’s your life not mine.

[x] can say it’s all me and you can believe him but I know the facts. He physically and verbally abused me and I’m still here. (What, he can get away with that because he hangs and I don’t!) No more!

I’m tired of my own family for taking sides, and they’d rather take his side. Even my own son. Sorry, you are all wrong. This is the most difficult time in my life and my own parents and sisters choose to stay away, to not be there for me. I’m tired of all this selfishness. I know now that I shouldn’t have taken him back when he put his hands on me…now this verbal B.S…sorry. This is my attitude right now because I’m hurt and this is my defense magnesium: Go BOO WHOO to someone else…I know the truth.

For x…Now he can just do what HE wants and not worry about anything or anybody else. He’s selfish. And if you think that’s okay…then don’t bother ever talking to me again. Go ahead and delete me as your friend because I don’t want you in my life. We have enough to deal with.

So, when you see [x], tell him to just stay away…we’ll tend to everything. No worries. Oh, thanks for the house keys, dear [x]. A friend told me that that would be the hardest thing to do…give up your house keys. For you, how really unfortunate that it was so easy to do and I didn’t even have to ask. So, if you see me on a date or talking with a gentleman, don’t assume…I’m now on my own.

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