‘Love in Action’

 Love in Action
  
 no matter the resentment
 it was given then taken
 actions of love
 still...not just a must
but a do
  
 it's all giving
without judgment
 helping without faking
 actions in love
 doing
without needing a clue
  
 it's helping another
without commitment
 being truthful
without manipulation
 actions in love
 doing
for words are not enough
  
 it's getting over
the resentment
 ‒those taking without
returning the give
 actions in love
 still...a beautiful mark
 on the heart
in the making

(April 30, 2019)―Resentment. I’ve written a lot about resentment in Book 12. It’s part of the codependency deal. A codependent will give and give without thinking of themselves and then they begin to resent it because they carry the expectation of being given in return. Of course, the given in return doesn’t happen most of the time. A codependent is a bit fucked up in a sense because of this expectation.

I’ve written many poems about letting go and having zero expectations. That’s because it’s part of the fight to break codependency. I’ve been judged a lot when it comes to my writings by those I love. They really don’t understand the process. My writings are about feelings or emotions in the moment during this struggle of healing. When I read some of it, it hurts me, too. But that is the whole point…writing every single feeling/emotion down in order for myself and others to see ourselves and understand what we are feeling. If that makes sense.

A lot of times, I repeat myself, that’s because the emotion repeats itself, and I have to write it. It’s all part of the process. So, if someone comes into my life and affects me profoundly, I write about it because I must write about the truth of me. I always say that if something I write affects you, then you should examine your life and ask yourself why. It’s not me that you are upset with. It’s what I’ve written…the words…they made you see something in yourself that you may need to fix.

‘Love in Action’—This leads me to my thoughts again on resentment. I’ve given a lot to people…from my words on a page to things to money to time to myself. Codependency. I resented because I didn’t get anything in return…or, I should say, anything that matched what I gave. What do I mean by that? Appreciation. For me, it’s just returning the love. I don’t need big material things. Just love.

And what do I mean by love? Truth. Honesty. Sincerity. Me…being in the know. No secrets. Attention. Respect. Those things are all I truly need. When it comes to a relationship…all of the above plus: hugs, kisses, a little romance is very important to me to keep my good feelings flowing (that good vibration). When a woman has all those things (especially me), she gives everything. But when those things aren’t present, me, personally, I shut down. I’ll still give, but the resentment starts to come into play.

This morning when I opened my Bible, I was led to the New Testament. I read several verses, but the following stuck out:

This is how we know what love is; Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.—1 John 3:16-18

One hundred percent truth right there. All of my life, the tongue ruled my heart…what people said to me affected me very profoundly. I always waited for the action. For some reason, that was always more important to me. Instead, I just got the words and this changed me. Those words became very important to me. Hence, how I became the reactionary so easily! This was the main reason why breaking the codependency was so important to me. I had to change that tongue deal to that action deal and learn to live by that saying: It’s what people do, not what they say. Mainly, because it’s so easy for people to speak, but so hard for them to act! Again, returning to my authentic self.

I have always been a giver…I just wanted to see people happy. I gave things, time, money, food…whatever I could do when I wasn’t working. I have always asked myself and God: ‘Have I done enough?’ I wanted to help who ever I could with whatever I had.

Then…the resentment came in 2011. Something awoke inside me that made me tired of doing, and getting nothing in return. Yes, I know we are supposed to give without wanting anything in return. But something in me just snapped! I was just tired. It could have been my illness…around 2010, I began having more and more symptoms pop up and it was getting harder to deal. That year I finally got a diagnoses, so I knew what I was dealing with, but by that time, it was too late with everything else when it came to my marriage. For years, I didn’t know what was wrong, so that look or that word that made me feel like I was nuts drowned my self-worth. I think that’s a reason behind me removing the veil and speaking up.

In, ‘Salvation’s Need’, I speak about resentment being one of my sins. I have examined this action of mine over and over. My resentment hurt other people, especially my daughter and the sweet man. It doesn’t matter anyone else’s actions, it was mine that shouldn’t have been. I had to go over this in therapy, read about it…find out why I acted the way I did. Codependency.

The things that happened in my life from January to now…whatever it was…broke that codependency and resentment. I don’t exactly know what it was, but there’s this voice in my head that tells me exactly what 1 John 3:16-17 says. Yes, I still have that evil whore the devil trying to sneak in and make me mad about all that I’ve given, but then my Mighty Warrior comes in and stomps that bitch to the ground! SMASH!

For others…those I resented and spewed my anger at, they have not forgiven me. Their feelings towards me have changed. I don’t think they will ever see me the same. That’s okay. I’ve forgiven them. I’ve written about this before and it pays to say it again. Whatever I’ve given that helped another human being better their life…then I did God’s work. After all, God gave me what I have. It’s only material. I can’t take it when I’m gone. We should all do this.

The one thing that bothers me is those who feel they are entitled to take what we have by manipulation. Those who are good people know right from wrong, know limits, know how to be gracious and grateful for what others give them. This leads me to 1 John 3:7-10.

Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as He is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother.―1 John 3:7-10

When you read this verse, it sort of scars the shit out of you…doesn’t it? I’ve been knowing of this verse. I always hope that those who do unrighteous deeds will see their actions and fix them. When my marriage began to fall apart, I prayed that the x would see what was happening. He never did. It just got worse and worse. Then it got to that point that I didn’t want it fixed. I knew that if I kept on being the codependent on him, he would keep treating me the same and it would get worse. Of course, I didn’t know I was a codependent until 2013, but I knew that I was the good wife and I was being taken advantage of. I just knew something wasn’t right. That’s how I felt.

When I see 1 John 3:7-10 in another person, it breaks my heart. It makes me mad as well. I don’t speak to these people about it. I write about it instead. I was told once that you should never interfere in another person’s fate. So, I don’t. I mentioned this a couple of writings ago that the sweet man said, ‘Why don’t you talk to me about it instead of write it?’ Mainly because I can write about anything. The talking thing…nothing comes out right! And…those I usually write about, who were in my life, have blocked me and don’t read me. Writing my truth affects people that way…my truth, not their truth. Odd!

1 John 3:7-10. If they have shut you out, forgot all that you’ve done for them, made you feel like this villain, cased you out like you never had a life with them…1 John 3:7-10. People can say they are of God. They can quote Scripture. Whatever…it’s not what they say. It’s what the do…ACTIONS! It says it right there in 1 John 3:16-18. You can say I’m holy-roly or nuts…I don’t give a fuck! I know the Bible breathes…it lives. I’ve felt God’s power. His grace. And…I’ve seen His wrath. I freaking fear Him because He doesn’t freaking play.

All those living 1 John 3:7-10…have fun! Hell…I’m told hurts…always hurts! I’d rather hurt here on earth and go see the Lord then hurt for an eternity. Y’all may enjoy your game here on earth…just saying.

Another point I want to make about love in action and resentment. This one really takes the cake: When you’ve given all you have (in relationships) and they move on so blankly to another, taking all you’ve given them and giving it to another, I’m not just talking about material things, and then they turn around and treat you like dirt and give all that you’ve given them to someone else, 1 John 3:7-10. They don’t care. They have no compassion, no empathy, no soul. It’s not us. They will do the same to the next person. They’ve done it to the person before you. It will not change for them. 1 John 3:7-10.

I’m the 1 John 3:17-18. My resentment was one of my sins I had to deal with. Is it all gone? The resentment part, yes. The anger part…suck it up buttercup! That’s what I’m trying to teach myself. I’ve lost some very personal, valuable things…gone. I know that some other chick will enjoy my things, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I know that God sees all. In my life, I’ve given up a lot of things to do God’s work. It may not seem like it because I sit behind my computer most of the time, but I know that my work is moving to the hands that need it. In all my silly doubt, God’s plan is still in play. No one can get in the way of that. Oh, they have tried. That evil whore has played a number on me. It doesn’t win. And those it used…I truly feel sorry for them! Through them…that evil whore played. In Books 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12, you can see this clearly.

I believe in redemption. I believe in forgiveness. That evil whore used me, too. But I saw it and fought it. I know you have, too. If others can’t forgive us, there’s nothing we can do. I’ve experienced some really cruel things in that last 10 years. I’ve heard the most horrible things that anyone could possibly say to another human being. Things I will never write down. I’ve experienced the most horrific manipulation tactics ever! and I didn’t see it as it was happening. I only saw it after the fact. I’ve felt the Stockholm Syndrome. I’ve felt it’s cruel, selfish, manipulative imprisonment. I’ve experienced gas-lighting without knowing at times, and then knowing and recognizing it plainly. I’ve experienced the forced confusion…where I totally questioned my fucking reality, I fucking questioned my sanity! I’ve experienced the name calling, the physical intimidation, the belittling, the personal property destruction, the entitlement and the triangulation to a degree unimaginable! 1 John 3:7-10

I see the reason behind my journey. To write it. I don’t need to write the details of abuse anymore. That part is over. My journey is about, and has always been about self and how to heal self. Bringing back into the experience of abuse had its purpose. It broke the codependency in me and to move another person to the light. Hence, ‘Love in Action’ this morning. I’ve written these words since the beginning of this journey: You can’t change another person! And you can’t. You can only show them God through actions. I’ve also written about unconditional love and freewill. Those are the two things God wants most from us. Unconditional love is the hardest when dealing with 1 John 3:7-10 or those close to that.

I’ve written about narcissism a lot. I’ve applauded the research being put out. I’ve also written a lot about loving the hard because they do need love, too. In the Book of James there’s a saying about if we save just one person, we redeem ourselves from a multitude of sins. When you go against that evil whore in the course of trying to save another human being, the shit you have to deal with! I’m saying this from personal experience. I’ve seen evil. I’ve felt evil. I’ve felt that shit go through me, surround me, try to steal me. Not pretty at all! But…I trust God. Oh, yes, I’ve doubted…for seconds…only seconds.

I’ve always said that the closer you get to what God wants of you, the harder that evil whore will try and fuck you up. Well, I cry, scream, put up a tantrum…oh, yes, indeed! The one thing I’ve come to experience in truly knowing the truth is that God is in our hearts. The Royal Law of Love was put on our hearts as a mark to remind us of what’s right and wrong. The evil whore penetrates our mind with ease, but our hearts…that’s where that bitch WANTS to be. That’s its bread and butter. So, when we experience that broken heart, that betrayal…that’s that evil whore at work! When you have something God wants you to do, that evil whore will do whatever it can to destroy it. So, if you are in a relationship, what better way to do that then to steal that heart that you love. Yep, that’s where it fucks you up the most! And…it WANTS to fuck you up!

‘Love in Action’…Let it take that heart! You can fight it all you want. You can try and change its mind. It won’t work. You can’t let that evil whore stop you from doing what God wants. You can’t allow it to bring you down to where you can’t function and perform the task God wants you to do. I’m not kidding! The first time this shit happened to me, I let it. Mainly because I didn’t know what was going on. Of course, the veil was slowly being lifted and the words hit the page. If I’d have known what was happening, I would never have written the words down. This time around…that bitch didn’t win. I still got my work done! Oh, it came at me. It said things to me that had me laying in bed crying, but I got through that mess quickly because God’s work, I’ve come to realize, is much more important that that fucking crap!

Yes, I have a bit of attitude. I get through the shit. I think it’s sick watching that evil whore fuck up other people. The mixed up God/evil that these people have is frightening. All we can do is let them be. Maybe, they will get themselves right before that final day. We can only hope.

‘Love in Action’…Right now, my words are my action. I can’t wait to get out there and start talking to people. I can’t wait to see them use these tools (My 12-Book Series). I can’t wait to hug them and help them. Sure, therapists can help, but the small-group talks with someone who’s been there, who wrote about it, who can totally relate…I’m down with that! I know it’s coming. I know that’s my next journey. I’ll tell you the truth: I’d rather do that for the rest of my life than go back to school. Truth. To help forward another person’s life, is the best idea in the world!

Love the skin you’re in. It’s better to give, to help another person, than to live selfishly. It’s better to love honestly than love in deceive. Don’t do that. Speak of Jesus. Say His name. Don’t let the young forget who He is and what He did. Empathy is disappearing and this is NOT a good thing. The devil is winning. The things I’ve experienced personally…breaks my heart. I have so much compassion to give and it has been squashed to the floor over and over. But…always a but…I know there’s someone who will come through for me. I know that there’s someone who respects my work, respects me and they will come through for me. I know I’ve written that I may never find true love. Again, I write in moments of time. Truthfully, I know that person is coming.

I’m grateful to be able to write for you. I’m grateful that I’ve experienced everything I’ve experienced. I’m grateful for my life, for living here in Las Vegas…grateful that I actually got to see it. I’m grateful for my children. God has given me so much, has taught me so much. I hope that I pass that along to you as accurately as possible. I’m grateful for the voice He has given me: I Am Woman. Hear Me Roar. I’m grateful for all those who appreciate that. God Bless.

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