‘Mechanical’s Return’

The worse mark on the heart: Malicious intent: refers to the intent, without just cause or reason, to commit a wrongful act that will result in harm to another. It is the intent to harm or do some evil purpose.

 Mechanical's Return
 
I could tell you to heal
it doesn't mean–
I'm not gonna have to deal
 
I've been fooled by men, too–
saying they were real
giving me all the deep thrills
while kicking my ass
on the treadmill
–that looking-good-for-them
became a perfected skill
–to be honest–
that inside need of mine–
they never fulfilled
 
I've been lied to by family–
that bloodline...not sealed
it's the worse manipulative
battlefield–
I've ever saw revealed
–especially when your ex–
helps the overkill
 
it all adds up in life–
becomes the great ball
of surreal
'did that really happen'
you asking yourself
trying to peel
all those layers–
in betrayal's ordeal
 
you move, then move again–
time...trying to steal
just to keep the heavy pounding
in your heart...still
 
you forgive all of them–
a bit of goodwill
done...you wipe up–
every tear you spill
alone...you move about
doing the ordinary:
eat, dress, clean, pay bills
waiting for the phone to squeal
waiting for:
'I'm sorry'
'I was wrong'
'what was I thinking, please forgive me'
'mom, I'm so sorry...you were right'

 
but it never comes–
even when the total truth...revealed
you realize you're dispensable–
you've been repealed
all their shame–
placed on your head–
without having to drill
–for them...it was so easy
your whole life gone…killed
 
of course, I know what comes next:
it's all your fault–
they'll claim you had control
of the wheel
they'll demand you get down–
kneel
pray, get saved
to God†...appeal
they'll shake you down–
all done in freewill
–you were put on a platter
served up like choiced veal
 
yes, I could tell you to heal
your life...rebuild
stitch together–
all the parts of your quilt
then put it all behind you–
move forward–
on an even keel
 
but then...I'd be lying to you–
I'd be better off
buying you a cocktail
take you...get some pretty nails
put your hair in a ponytail
then get ready...do some blackmail
 
but then...you'd be no better
than that betraying cartel
you'd become just  a plain ole infidel
–your soul...so easy to sell
 
to heal...you yourself
has to...outright...deal
 
you gotta face truth–
you're not the jezebel
you're better than all they dispel
you're stronger, wiser–
ring, ring goes the liberty bell
but first–
you've gotta face the swell
all that shit that put you in hell–
you've gotta roll in its pungent smell
you've gotta cry, scream, yell
–get it all out
in movements of a snail
you've gotta face every detail
learn why...in came...the fail–
their destructive zeal
–not anything...for long
you can conceal
 
then you're gonna bounce–
that's right...bounce
all that pain–
you're gonna unveil
forward....
you're gonna willingly propel
–the chains of your forced jail
no longer for the regale
–no longer...you...for sale
 
after you popped those chains–
you'll realize you fucking derailed
all they tried to nail
on your pretty little fingernails
–you done exhaled
you put yourself in prevail
the mechanical tall-tell
–the tipping of the scales
 
you're gonna learn
–on your own–
you've done been rebuilt
they can't even drown you–
in the best of ales
they can't even go
to the court of appeals
or on you–
seek the navy seals
 
you've become the real
in deal
for you didn't just heal
you've become the truth–
of the kneel!

Note: The photograph that accompanies this work was taken October 23rd, which revealed a lot through the spiritual world: the All-Seeing Eye (an interesting use of the gazebo to tell us that God sees all); the Dragon (The Dragon in Symbolization: The dragon, a legendary creature symbolizes protection, success, wisdom, loyalty, fearlessness, strength, balance, and immense possibility. Being the master of all four elements of Fire, Water, Earth, and Wind, it also embodies primordial power. Details of the Power Primordial Force is the primordial energy that originated everything – reality, time, space, life, death, matter, energy, and every possible and impossible concept existing and non-existing in the omniverse, from a single particular to the infinite  omniverse….God revealing His power and that He is over everything); the cross, God’s use of His energy through the orbs; faces and images of those present…spirits; and the earth’s change coming. In this particular photograph, the All-Seeing Eye; the promise made to me in the pink bubble; and Jesus’ love or presence showing through in the purple light.

(January 6, 2020)―This morning: Write from the heart today. I was empty then full…thinking about the things people will do and say when they have a mark on their heart labeled: Malicious Intent. These thoughts that I write about today started yesterday with me taking myself out for dinner and listening to hypocrites talk about segregated pre-planned housing and how they didn’t want to mix with other people’s traditions and cultures.

The fool who talks foolish is the one who isn’t healed and refuses to look at themselves first. As Jesus said, ‘Take the needle out of your own eye before you try to take the needle out of someone else’s eye.’ It is those things that people do and say to us that make us (those of us without malicious intent in our hearts) really think of ourselves in ways we never thought possible. For instance, I was called white privileged by a person who really didn’t know what that phrase meant. I do. I witnessed it. I…with the color of my skin…got to see so much. I’m not white. I’ve always said this and I’m right about it. You can’t tell a person by the color of their skin these days. So much interchanges…I can put it that way. Who a person truly is…is inside of their skin. Not on the outside.

I write a lot about what others’ tell me because those are the subjects I’m directed to write about. No, I don’t sit around all day thinking of subjects. They come to me. Easily. I’ll repeat some things here and it’s because they are so very important to understand. Today, no Scripture came to me. The heart. I was directed to write how I feel deep…from the depths of my heart.

‘You need to worry about healing yourself before trying to heal others because the way you write, everyone knows you need therapy.’ This was a phrase said to me recently. I wonder: Who is everyone? The one thing I’ve learned through my writing that is always the same: Those who can’t will try to break you and destroy what you can do. The evil whore, the devil, doesn’t want what God wants. I keep telling you this. I’m not here to heal anyone. I’m here to plant the smallest of seeds that will help guide you to the life of healed. I think for some, that is hard to understand or even comprehend.

I’m putting two works up today that came from my heart: ‘Mechanical’s Return’ and ‘Tested Hearts’. You should have your own opinion of these pieces and that’s how it should be. I’m going to discuss my own emotions behind them and this is very personal, as it should be. You can’t write the truth unless you examine who you are and how things changed you, affected you, and/or broke you.

I’ve been a people-watcher all my life. I’ve always been keenly interested in what makes people do what they do. I’m inquisitive…I guess you can say…always searching for reasons, explanations behind the actions of others. I’ve always felt like the bug on the wall…looking rather than participating. Some strange things have been said to me because of this. And that is okay…those strange things often reveal a lot about the person who said them, even if they didn’t know it.

I can’t force anyone to heal. It’s a choice. All I can do is plant a seed…get you to thinking about your life in a way no one else has. Intuition…a gift…has given me this privilege in a way, and my intuition has always been a strong asset and a curse at the same time. The things that I would know about a person are usually things they didn’t want others to know. Up until this past year, I didn’t know how to use this gift. Things would come to me and I’d just blurt it out. A lot of times, insulting the person I’m talking to because I knew a truth about them that they were totally ashamed or embarrassed of. I didn’t mean to insult them. I just knew these things and felt compelled to talk to them about it. I could look at a person and know a secret about them that no one else knew, and, at first, I’d bring it up in conversation with the person. I learned quickly, by the looks on their face and their body gestures, not to do this.

My intuition has gotten me in a lot of trouble over the years in every avenue of my life until people just vanished. Why? Is it because I see them…really see them…and this they fear? This is strange to me because I have a very dear friend who has this gift as well and she was the main reason for me getting on the right track in my own life. All because she really knew me. She could sense these deep things in me that no one else could. She could read me like no one else could. Because she could do this, I learned to trust her. So, I often asked myself: Why can’t people trust in me in the same way?

I learned it’s because I’m not like her or anyone else. God makes us different for a reason. I always knew my life had a serious spiritual reason. It just took me 50 years to figure it out. But…did I figure it out on my own? No. There’s a time and place for our life’s reason, and when it’s time, that reason is unveiled…made known to us. My reason came early…part of it…me knowing that my journey was spiritual and that I had a calling. It took quite a while for all of my reason to be revealed. It took trust in what I couldn’t see.

But I felt it, I heard it, even if I didn’t know who or what was behind what I was hearing. I just knew. When others hear you talking about feeling something on your skin or hearing voices outside your body, they label you immediately. This is humorous to me. Because truth…that which is real…is still true no matter who tries to debunk it or label you.

I’m going to re-talk about an incident that happened way before my divorce…in the early 2000s. I say re-talk because I’ve written about it before, several times in my books.

I was working in my study…writing. The ex-husband had taken my two youngest somewhere. The entire house was dark besides the light in my study. I had a dog…Paige. She had her own chair. Spoiled to the core. I had a pretty large study…it was long instead of wide. My house was made of solid wood…very thick walls. My ex-husband and I made sure of that because we built it ourselves. My desk was to the very end of my study…the back of the room. To the front of the room was the door. Right outside that door, one step to the right, was Paige’s chair, which sat at the foot of the stairs. It wasn’t a big house…only 1500 square feet at the time. The stairs weren’t straight. There was a few steps, then you turned left for the rest of the steps. Upstairs wasn’t very big. It was a cabin-styled house and any adult walking around upstairs had to literally duck.

As I was working, I heard laughing coming from upstairs. My thoughts: They are back. Let me get to a stopping point, so I don’t forget where I am, and then I’ll go join them. I remember this clearly because this was always my normal thought when I was working on something. At the time, I was learning Adobe InDesign and each step was very technical, and, at the same time, I was putting my first chapbooks together and they were very detailed and required a lot of small, single steps. So, I always had to write down exactly where I stopped with both projects, and I always stopped at a place that had some sort of end point. Meaning, I never liked to stop in the middle of placing a poem or picture or in the middle of learning a particular step in the Adobe program. So, my getting to a stopping point took about 15 minutes.

During this time, I continued to hear the laughing. I remember this clearly because it added a rush to my getting to a stopping point. I spent a lot of time in my study and, as any artist knows, dividing time between work and family and socializing can get tricky. I finally got to a stopping point, wrote down where I stopped and walked to the end of the library, to the door. I still heard the laughing. Only, all the lights were still off and Paige was sound asleep. I was literally standing at the foot of the staircase listening to two children laughing upstairs with the entire house dark, except for the light coming from my study. I stood there for a few seconds trying to process what I was hearing and experiencing. Then…THEN…I bolted out of the house. I’m on outside of my front door calling the ex-husband, who shows up only minutes after. My heart is racing, my mind is trying to process all of this as I’m telling them what just happened. We go into the house, turn on lights…nothing. No children.

This was the beginning. The spiritual world was awakening to me. The little girls became part of my life. They’d move my glasses, hide them. I would say this could possibly be my imagination, but it wasn’t. One time, they made it very, very clear they were doing it. I had a pair of prescription sunglasses with green on each side. I have fibro and the sun irritated my eyes for a long time and sunglasses were a necessity for me. One day, they went missing. I had both my youngest children helping me search for them. I had a very large master bedroom and off of this bedroom, an exercise room with large mirrors and light blue carpet. The room wasn’t closed off from the master room, it was just a separate part of it, and it was the size of a regular bedroom. I walked every day on my treadmill and often left my empty bottles of water on the floor. I was very conservative during this time and I would recycle bottles including cola bottles…Sprite bottles being one of them. All of us had checked and double checked the exercise room. Nothing. Then…after another pass, because we still couldn’t find my glasses, there they were in the middle of the floor, opened, with a green Sprite bottle in the middle of the arms of my glasses. As if the girls were saying, ‘Hey, we are here.’ Another time, my daughter heard someone in that room dragging a chair across the floor. When she went in, a chair was in the middle of the room. And once, I saw one of the little girls through the French doors of that room. She was about five or six years old, wearing a long white lacy dress with long black curly hair. I saw her for a nano second and never saw her again.

These are just a few accounts…all of them are well-documented in my books. I had my run-in with good and bad spirits. I only felt fear once. The rest of the time, I just felt comfortable with them. I was told I should have done research on the property to find out what happened to the little girls, but I just couldn’t. They were little girls and they died little girls. I really didn’t want to know how they died. I thought for a while, my calling was to help these spirits cross over. I was shown that that wasn’t the case. Again, that account is documented in my books.

The message for my calling was always write. From 2012, the fog in the field, to all the times before when the passion was put into my heart, and through all the trying years since, it was always write. I knew it was the books. I knew it had something to do with the vow I made to God in my darkest hour: ‘Help me and I’ll give in and write for You.’ So, I let my heart guide me and when all was said and done, 12 books were published, and me thinking I fulfilled my vow. Then 2019 and a message received, a message delivered, then another message received, and the unveiling of it all and the connections made…all written and documented.

I was finally led to Scripture, which told me…or rather reminded me of exactly what I said during the making of that vow. I didn’t say, ‘God, I’ll write 12 books for You if You help me.’ Nope. I said something like: ‘Fine! I give in. I’ll do what You asked if You help me.’ And what did He ask, for years: Write, teach. I’ve written about all of this journey. My vow, He showed me, was for life. As I edited those 12 books, I realized the full nature of what I had done: Written through every, single emotion a woman goes through during the five stages of grief. That was the first part of the plan for me.

Then in 2019, after I’d completed the 12 books and published them, the realization that those books were preplanned, as in the picture below, which I discuss in the testimony about receiving and delivering my first ever message. This all the result of a message delivered to me back in 2014, a guide to help me see where I was being taken. That message is included in detail in the introduction to Book 1 and the entire set of the books. There was a 13th book, as well as a 14th book…because the numbers of the books started over with Book 11. Fitting, since in the numerology world, I’m a Master 11!

Part of the testimony that elevated my spiritual journey. This is a list of the books I wrote for God and their numbers. This was not planned on my part. The whole, entire journey that I describe in the testimony was quite amazing!

How does my story apply to you? Only you can determine that. But here’s another phrase that was thrown at me: ‘You need to find Jesus and be baptized in His name so you can be saved.’ I was so insulted by this for two reasons: First, the person who told me this denied Jesus twice to my face. Second, my journey has always been very spiritual and I’ve always felt that I was being guided, and somewhat protected, and, at the same time, people’s hidden ordeals was being revealed to me, and I was led to write about it all. From Book 5 and on, writing prayers and seeking the Lord has always been part of the journey. Writing the truth, even if it hurt me, even if others left me, it was put into my heart to write nothing but the truth. I wrote everything that was being shown to me, even if it hurt my own self, so there’s no denying any of it, especially the part that my journey was very spiritual.

But that’s not why that phrase hurt me. It hurt me because each time I doubted my way, God sent me signs. He sent me pure bow-the-head moments that ensured I’d know that I was writing for Him. All these testimonies were part of the vow…they are all well-documented in those 12 books: He’d put me through emotions, He’d guide me into other people’s emotions (the Empathe), He’d bring me through something (sometimes out of the blue), He’d show me things byway of other people, and I had to sit there and cry and wail, then write it ALL down! Every single emotion, every single experience that I went through in the past seven years was for a reason…what is written in those 12 books. How do I know this? Because of single word commands, because of dreams He sent, because of a surety put into my heart that I knew what I was doing was not for myself, but for others. I had zero idea that they would be used to help plant seeds. I had zero idea of the end game. Zero. I did all of that on faith because it was right, and I knew in my heart that it was right.

So, when someone told me that I needed to be saved and at the same time they were doing things that aren’t very righteous, and not seeing that I already know…it hurt. I often ask myself: How can I save anyone when I have people saying this to me, as well as saying that I’m the reason they denounced Jesus the Christ? What kind of person am I that others would say these things to?

In all of the battles with self that I’ve fought, I get total Jesus love. I get total God love. I get elevated in the spiritual realm of things. I get the Spirit of Truth put on me in such a big way that I then have to go back and look at my entire life…all the good and all the bad…and go through this hard process of acceptance of self because I was forced in a corner that was led by Jesus Himself. I’m already saved. I wasn’t just baptized in Jesus’ name when I was a child, I was baptized by His hand when I had to answer to everything in my life, and then accept a higher gift: The Seer. Then hear God…my Father in heaven…call me His prophet.

This next part of my journey was to reveal how I was brought through this process and how God and Jesus revealed themselves to me…in writing, in visions, in pictures. And for that, I get the next phrase: ‘You are a witch. I don’t know what god you are talking to, but it’s not good.’ Something like that.

When I first started meditating and started experiencing the unusual, meeting David and hearing Jesus’ voice, I called them evil, I called them liars…and they understood. They constantly sent me things to help me understand. The very first was the message that was put on my website back in August. Two messages reading something like: ‘Find your happiness in the storm.’ I contacted my blog host, my security. The message generated from my computer. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t in a storm at the time, so it got me to thinking where I was headed: A storm!

Being directly linked to the spiritual realm, hearing and feeling my spiritual guide, David, learning how he died, learning he was a black man in life, and learning how long he’s been with me, and learning that all the times I heard this voice, it was him. Like driving to drill, when I was in the National Guard, at four in the morning and drifting off to sleep, then suddenly hearing, ‘Look up,’ and just when I did, I slammed on my breaks and my car stopped just in front of a cement guard rail because I missed the detour sign. That’s one of many times I heard his voice. And it was always a male voice. Go read his page. I tell you all about him and how my life is like two lives: mine and his.

Or meeting Jesus for the first time. Go to the page I made for Him…Jesus’ Army. I tell you about those first encounters. There’s nothing like hearing your name said in a way that no one else knows, except for your mother, who passed a year earlier. That’s how I knew it was Him. That’s how I knew it was truth. But I still battled with it because there’s no one here to verify, to witness. It’s happening all the same. The things I’m told, the things revealed to me, the things I’m shown in the pictures. There’s no denying that this is real: The truth of everything around me.

During this process, I’ve prayed for the blood of Jesus to be on me. I always say the Lord’s Prayer, always…that has increased 100 fold! God says to question. Jesus said it when He was on earth to question everything. I question God and Jesus and David…my case is heavy. Yours would be, too. How many  others are currently experiencing this? I’m told there are others.

But instead of believing in me, instead of celebrating this amazing journey (I’m talking with God, GOD, our heavenly Father!), I get: You are crazy. You have dementia. You are a witch. You are the worse thing that ever happened to me. You caused me to not believe in Jesus. You need to be saved. You need to be baptized. You are the blame for all my troubles. God removed you from my life because you are poison. You are the worse mother in the world. Your grandchild will never know you. You are a liar. You are a hypocrite.

I get this as God is moving into my life in a way so profound that there’s no one to share it with. Every single phrase told to me has been totally debunked by God Himself! I know truth. I write truth. But I can’t defend truth. God’s direct orders. Why? Because you can’t defend truth. It is. Defending what IS is a total waste of time.

Here’s some truth: God’s primary concern is healing. He wants as many souls healed as possible. All the reason to why this has become very, very important is outlined in all my writings on here. I can’t force this healing process. I’m not here to do that. I’m God’s writer. He reveals to me His process, what He deems I can handle, and I’m to present it to you. You don’t have to like what I write. That’s not the point. The point is to give you truth. The choice is yours to believe it.

I didn’t get off the subject here. What I wrote about my own life is to help you see that those around you don’t always want the best for you. You must remember that the prince of the earth is always at work. God is always testing you. Do you know what the primary mark on the heart that determines if you’re worthy enough of God’s house is?: Malicious intent.

Malicious intent: refers to the intent, without just cause or reason, to commit a wrongful act that will result in harm to another. It is the intent to harm or do some evil purpose.

The you out there with malicious intent on your heart harms someone just to do it. Your victims are usually accessible or weak or damaged or an easy target. Whatever the reason…these people are just there or their situation presents an easy way out for you! They didn’t do a damn thing to you, but you decided to take advantage of them anyway. They helped you when you needed it, but the situation for you…only thinking of yourself…they didn’t matter. You broke their hearts. You thought of yourself first. You didn’t think that you were affecting another person’s life in a way that would bring them harm. You just acted. You didn’t consider what that person was going through. It was just about you. You got what you wanted from them, and then others came along that offered more, and that one person became dispensable. Their heart didn’t matter. You put yourself and your situation above another human being.

My journey evolved totally to see this one great fault.

As a child, I was always interested in the human condition: What drives people to harm others? The research under my belt began when I was barely a teenager when four members of my extended family were brutally murdered. I read everything about the case that they published in the newspaper. Then it was Agatha Christi and every other crime writer: Fiction and nonfiction. Then the Army, the Military Police, taking law classes in college, working for an attorney, U.S. Customs, the local drug enforcement detectives, journalism…all the way down to teaching in a high school classroom: English, speech, math, science, business…expanding that to grades 6th through 8th. Learning everything God put before me. Seeing separations and divorces (other people’s wars and my own); child rape (from students to family to friends…stories told to me that made my toes curl); rape inside families (generations of it…secrets tucked away neatly in the form of traditions…the most hideous of crimes…hush, hush we’ll take care of it inside the family, no need for therapist…no one can know!); racism (up-close and personal…from the south to the north…all the way across the big pond, in schools, families, the professional world, the military); betrayal (how easy it is for people to do whatever is necessary when it serves themselves); lies (being naïve…wanting to see the good in people…you miss the lie, directly told to your face without a bat of their eye, and from the ones you totally believed in); family feuds (being caught in the middle or used so others can hide their own secrets…denial of truth…family often sell you out first); hypocrisy (in so many areas of life from the highest in government to the lowest); suicides (for no reason shown, or so it seems…instead of facing the consequences of their actions or the truth, they off themselves…thinking it’s the easy way out…on earth maybe).

That’s all real life experiences that I saw…personally witnessed. Then it was all the reading on brutal murders, all the journalism work I watched…the unveiling of truth behind the extreme of what could go wrong in the above actual experiences. Killing over the lie. Killing over the shame held deep inside. Killing to hide. Truth: It’s all an illusion.

There’s only one true escape from any of it: Healing! You have to face the music of your own actions, then face the music of the actions of others who harmed you, and realize that their actions were not your fault. They had a choice. You didn’t. How you responded to that choice they made was the road to redeeming your own soul…rebuilding you. The five stages of grief…and how you went through those stages was a process. As long as you came out of it with zero malicious intent on your heart, and you asked Jesus and God to help you with an honest heart, all that you did during that process is forgiven. Do you know what’s unsettling? Those whom you trusted to be there in your darkest hour, left either at the beginning or during, without concern for you. That’s a malicious-intent move on their part.

Your anger is not malicious intent. You telling others how you feel, even if you have to scream at them, cuss them out…you are getting the hurt out of you…it’s not malicious intent. Them holding that against you…a malicious-intent mark on their hearts. ‘Love thy neighbor as yourself’…they go against that. You were struggling…the process isn’t an overnight deal. Those who seem to breeze right through it, they aren’t. They are harboring the pain inside…it will surface one day and not in such a good way. It’s best to deal with the pain, go through the emotions, suffer through the depression, and fight using the best warrior on the block: God!

And a note to the unwise: Without God, back around you go.

I don’t hold grudges. I hold disappointment. My birthday was January 3. I heard from four people. Three were my children. They came late in the day. I didn’t exactly welcome two of them. Betrayal hurts. It disappoints. To witness the untrue is a very sad thing. There is nothing you can do. I refuse to believe in that saying that goes around demanding that you have to baby your grown children to keep the peace. Sorry. Not with me. I raised my children to know better. It is on them if they use other people’s opinions and small minds to change what they were taught…and they were taught the truth. I always told them to be themselves, have their own minds. My biggest mistake was staying married as long as I did. I wasn’t living truth. But God has a reason for everything. This is part of it. Their test and their truth about the love they said they had for their mother.

My mother pissed me off a lot…but she wasn’t like any other person ever in my life. She was the one thing I had only one of, and she was truly mine…a person that belonged to me! There was never a time that I ever disrespected my mother like I have been disrespected. And my mother wooped my ass and punished me harshly sometimes. I knew, after, that it was for my own good. There were times I got my ass wooped for something I didn’t do. I got punished for things I shouldn’t have gotten punished for. I did the most in my life compared to my sisters, and I received less love. I never held any of that against my mother.

Here’s an example of what people with malicious intent in their heart do: I joined the military when I was 18. I left in November after I graduated from high school. The base I was assigned to, that Christmas, snowed in, so I got to go home for a few days. Then after I graduated from military school, I went home again, then I was flown overseas. Two years later, I returned for a visit home on a 30-day leave. I remember walking into the house for the first time and it just seemed small. I had grown up. I didn’t intend on staying in my mom’s house for the full 30 days. I hung out with a girlfriend from my childhood a lot. One evening, I came home after being out with her, and my mom started arguing with me. I had no idea why she was so angry with me, except that I was grown and going out without telling her. I was on vacation! My first real vacation in my life as an adult! She followed me into the bedroom and I guess she said something and I said something back disrespectful. She slapped me. The next thing I knew was this bewilderment in her eyes of what I had done following her slap. I returned the slap. That event affected my life a great deal. I even discussed it in therapy years later because it was one of those things that drove a deep-seeded guilt that I couldn’t get rid of. I apologized. You have no idea how much. It didn’t matter.

I couldn’t understand why I slapped her. That wasn’t me. In therapy, I learned it was due to a defense deal that I developed because of my military training. I had boundaries that were instilled in me through my training and she had invaded those boundaries…or crossed one. I was defending myself naturally…a bodily-defense instinct I obtained by being trained as a soldier who signed up to possibly die for her country. It’s something the military doesn’t really tell us nor do they give us classes on how to control this after we get out. During my separation, this self-defense deal returned when my ex-husband threatened me or I felt threatened by his body actions. It happen four times. I wrote about it, so I can’t lie. This self-defense deal came out again on my sister when she angrily approached me while she was drunk in 2013, and again with the ex-boyfriend who said the most disgusting things to me putting this defense on high alert. So therapy. This wasn’t me. And I had to understand why I had this physical defense deal in place. Being trained to defend yourself physically, then going through abuse totally explained all of this and therapy helped me keep my hands to myself.

Malicious intent: The event with my mother: Once. And I paid for that mistake all of my life. She was my mother and I struck her…not on purpose by any means. I confided in my then husband because, as a married couple, you are supposed to tell each other your secrets. I left nothing out. He did. After the divorce, he told my children that I slapped my mother on purpose more than once! My very own children told me this and they believed him! Malicious intent in a nutshell.

You can’t control what other people do. In my journey, I can’t deny anything I said or did because I wrote about it. When you tell the truth about another person and they don’t want others to know, their primary goal in life is to destroy you: Reputation, children, and family relationships. They don’t care…malicious intent…just as long as their secret remains their secret. As in my case, they’ll go as far as building their case by declaring that I am crazy and have a mental disease. No kidding! Oh, the ways of narcissistic personalities! In my case, my writing helped them make their case. Writing about all the emotions that God had put me through, so that I write all of the emotions in the five stages of grief, people tend to want to believe what fits their agenda instead of truth.

Here’s one: In 2017, I spent a week in a mental facility here in Vegas. Not because I was mental. Nevada has a 72-hour mandatory hold on anyone who tells anyone that they feel they will kill themselves, even if they have no intentions on doing so. Narcissists have a way of driving you to this point: ‘What! Do you want me to kill myself?’ or ‘I just assume kill myself!’ They are that good. My burst of emotion that night was all driven from a fight driven by torment…another thing narcissists are good at. So, the ex-boyfriend calls the suicide hotline to get me out of the way. Only, these places keep you longer if it involves domestic violence. They try to keep the couple separated for as long as the law allows. I never told the ex-boyfriend this. I stayed in that hospital for a week because the state didn’t trust him. There’s even a meeting and the men are watched and filmed to determine if they are safe for the women to return to. I actually warned the ex-boyfriend. He played his part well. My duties were not done when it concerned him. Now that sounds crazy!

But is it? The end game: A message to give to him, even if no one believed me. It doesn’t matter. You see being true to self is the part no one wants. They want you to play the games of deception. Truth. Them…living the truth is not up for grabs. So, that means they’ll do what it takes to keep your truth, and/or the truth of the situation, turned upside down. That’s just the way of the world.

To be of the spiritual realm, that’s not the way. Truth is truth no matter how they treat you, what they say to you or about you, and who leaves. Jesus and God both said: They will hate you because of Me. They weren’t playing. Both: TRUTH!

To truly heal, you have to face the truth of yourself and not be afraid to tell your truth to others. Because being afraid, you are still denying truth. To truly heal, your faith has to be true, sincere. When you get to this point, you will be in the total of free and you’ll understand the process: Your pain was given to you, no matter what it was, to humble you in order to pass on the wisdom that you learned. By the time you uncover all the truth of yourself and your pain, you are in the age of the older person that the young look up to. God designed that (hint: the gray hair) so that you are the wisdom that the young seek. So many older people in the last 30 years have failed the young. Hence, we end up in a culture where the young disrespect their parents at a drop of a dime! They don’t trust adults anymore.

They don’t trust adults because the adults of today refuse to heal properly, they refuse to learn and teach, they refuse to have courage. This is what Jesus was saying yesterday in ‘The Adjunct’. I have another writing the day before that piece titled ‘Free Falling’ that I’m not done with, but it has everything to do with wisdom. The question at hand: How do we get it back? So many lies. So much betrayal. Healing…is the only way. Healing takes couragetrue courage…something that is absent in today’s world. People want to hear what suits them, they don’t want to hear the truth about others or themselves…especially themselves. This has to change.

Here’s a clue: The healing road…is the road less traveled. It’s the unknown that everyone is so afraid of. Here’s another clue: On the other side of that road is the spiritual realm of truth, humble…a you that you never knew existed. You will like that you better than the one that stares at you in the mirror. This…I CAN guarantee.

Author: k. e. leger

I'm a writer.

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