‘No Goodbye Kisses’

A sample from Book 6

 No Goodbye Kisses
  
 I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
 my steps slow
not sure
 in which room to go
 there's pain in every inch
 remembering
the pounding
of your fist
  
 I spoke my mind
 maybe a little too unkind
 your actions
way out of line
  
 hurt...anger grows
 not understanding
not knowing
 why you changed
why you don't see
 how you made
our life to be
  
 your continued rage
backed me into a cage
 I yelled for you to go
 each word
another silent blow
 denial and lies
I refused to cry
 stood my ground
 tired
of being treated
like a clown
  
 once more
you ignored
 as our child's eyes
grew wide
 you continued
your raging tide
 stand up for yourself
words I taught
 actions―
I couldn't put on a shelf
 your finger pointing
your hurt anointing
  
 I slapped your face
 hoping
it'll send you away
  
 instead
you pounced―
 off the cement
my head bounced
 slamming your steel toes
into my thigh
 my hands and elbow
razored with holes
 your continued blast
left me
in a frozen cast
  
 our son grabbed you
 against the truck
he threw
 my mother held me
 I don't remember
jumping to my feet
 I kicked you
 I wanted to hurt you
I wanted to maim you
 I wanted to kill you
  
 I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
 my steps slow
not sure
in which room to go
  
 three times
in all these years
 you crossed this line
bruises on my skin
 my walk full of fear
each time worse
 in between
silent torture
 not standing up for me
not even seeing me
  
 a continued
losing journey
 me
wanting a family
 you
becoming an enemy
 a stranger
breeding hate and anger
  
 I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
 my steps slow
 not sure
in which room to go
  
 feeling the pain
in every inch
 from the pounding
of your fist
  
 staying...I resist
 your actions
crossed the line
  
 no goodbye kisses
 just closing the door
 leaving it all behind

(October 1, 2013)—[‘No Goodbye Kisses’ was written July 11, 2013.] It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The first time I was made aware of what had happened to me, I sat there like a child and cried. I’m an educated woman. I was trained in the military. How could this happen to me?

I didn’t understand. How could I have not seen it? How could my family not have seen it? Where is my family when I need them the most?It’s not your fault. My therapist said as she watched me cry. It’s not your fault.Words that ring through my head all the time now. Then I sit and think of all the women who’ve gone through worse than me, who didn’t have nearly half the strength I have.

I think about the women I personally know, who were tormented and abused much worse then I, and who are staying. I cry even harder. It’s not your fault. Picking up the pieces is not easy. Being ruined emotionally, spiritually, financially…is what they want. It’s a form of control. It’s part of the violence. Some are never touched but are still being violated every day. It’s not my fault.It’s not easy to say especially when you’re alone.

I learned that when something like this happens, people tend to shy away, not wanting to get involved. That shouldn’t be. They’ll say because you tried to stand up for yourself, you were just as wrong. No, it’s not your fault. You have a right to stand up for yourself. They don’t have a right to beat on you! Not one right! They are wrong! It’s not your fault.

That’s where ‘No Goodbye Kisses’ comes from. Speak up this month. No one wants to talk about it especially the women who are victims. They are embarrassed. As I—How could this happen to me?They feel ashamed. It’s not your fault.

Domestic Violence begins in a relationship so slowly that you don’t realize something’s wrong until it’s too late. It won’t get better. Each time, it’ll be worst. Control is the first step. A slow-progressive step until it leads to verbal abuse, torment then physical.

Before you realize, there’s anger, hate, bitterness and you are left alone. Love is not hate. If those words I love you are said then they yell, curse, hit, torment, control…that is not love, that is abuse. Talk about it. Men and women. Don’t be afraid anymore. Love the skin you’re in.

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Paperback: The Silent Abuse Survivor’s Guide…Fighting Anger…Bargaining Self Into Sanity Book 6

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