‘No Goodbye Kisses’

It’s Not Your Fault!

A sample from Book 6

 No Goodbye Kisses
 
I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
my steps slow
not sure
in which room to go
there's pain in every inch
remembering
the pounding
of your fist
 
I spoke my mind
maybe a little too unkind
your actions
way out of line
 
hurt...anger grows
not understanding
not knowing
why you changed
why you don't see
how you made
our life to be
 
your continued rage
backed me into a cage
I yelled for you to go
each word
another silent blow
denial and lies
I refused to cry
stood my ground
tired
of being treated
like a clown
 
once more
you ignored
as our child's eyes
grew wide
you continued
your raging tide
stand up for yourself
words I taught
actions―
I couldn't put on a shelf
your finger pointing
your hurt anointing
 
I slapped your face
hoping
it'll send you away
 
instead
you pounced―
off the cement
my head bounced
slamming your steel toes
into my thigh
my hands and elbow
razored with holes
your continued blast
left me
in a frozen cast
 
our son grabbed you
against the truck
he threw
my mother held me
I don't remember
jumping to my feet
I kicked you
I wanted to hurt you
I wanted to maim you
I wanted to kill you
 
I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
my steps slow
not sure
in which room to go
 
three times
in all these years
you crossed this line
bruises on my skin
my walk full of fear
each time worse
in between
silent torture
not standing up for me
not even seeing me
 
a continued
losing journey
me
wanting a family
you
becoming an enemy
a stranger
breeding hate and anger
 
I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
my steps slow
not sure
in which room to go
 
feeling the pain
in every inch
from the pounding
of your fist
 
staying...I resist
your actions
crossed the line
 
no goodbye kisses
just closing the door
leaving it all behind

(October 1, 2013)—[‘No Goodbye Kisses’ was written July 11, 2013.] It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The first time I was made aware of what had happened to me, I sat there like a child and cried. I’m an educated woman. I was trained in the military. How could this happen to me?

I didn’t understand. How could I have not seen it? How could my family not have seen it? Where is my family when I need them the most?It’s not your fault. My therapist said as she watched me cry. It’s not your fault.Words that ring through my head all the time now. Then I sit and think of all the women who’ve gone through worse than me, who didn’t have nearly half the strength I have.

I think about the women I personally know, who were tormented and abused much worse then I, and who are staying. I cry even harder. It’s not your fault. Picking up the pieces is not easy. Being ruined emotionally, spiritually, financially…is what they want. It’s a form of control. It’s part of the violence. Some are never touched but are still being violated every day. It’s not my fault.It’s not easy to say especially when you’re alone.

I learned that when something like this happens, people tend to shy away, not wanting to get involved. That shouldn’t be. They’ll say because you tried to stand up for yourself, you were just as wrong. No, it’s not your fault. You have a right to stand up for yourself. They don’t have a right to beat on you! Not one right! They are wrong! It’s not your fault.

That’s where ‘No Goodbye Kisses’ comes from. Speak up this month. No one wants to talk about it especially the women who are victims. They are embarrassed. As I—How could this happen to me?They feel ashamed. It’s not your fault.

Domestic Violence begins in a relationship so slowly that you don’t realize something’s wrong until it’s too late. It won’t get better. Each time, it’ll be worst. Control is the first step. A slow-progressive step until it leads to verbal abuse, torment then physical.

Before you realize, there’s anger, hate, bitterness and you are left alone. Love is not hate. If those words I love you are said then they yell, curse, hit, torment, control…that is not love, that is abuse. Talk about it. Men and women. Don’t be afraid anymore. Love the skin you’re in.

Get Your Copy Today!

Paperback: The Silent Abuse Survivor’s Guide…Fighting Anger…Bargaining Self Into Sanity Book 6

Kindle: The Silent Abuse Survivor’s Guide…Fighting Anger…Bargaining Self Into Sanity Book 6

Additional On Abuse…Codependency, Narcissism, Trauma…and Healing

(Each page has loads of additional books (in every format), videos, instruction materials, and inspiration gift ideas.):

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

I Am Malala: How One Girl Stood Up for Education and Changed the World by Malala Yousafzai

Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin

It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion by Beverly Engel, LMFT

Pathways to Recovery, A Strengths Recovery Self-Help Workbook by Priscilla Ridgway, Diane McDiarmid, Lori Davidson, Julie Bayes, and Sarah Ratzlaff

Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

The Anger Control Workbook: Getting Through Treatment and Getting Back to Your Life by Dr. Matthew McKay and Dr. Peter Rogers.

Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts – Becoming the Person You Want to Be by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter

Author: k. e. leger

I'm a writer.

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