‘Sealed Heart’

Redemption. Everyone can have it. You have to want it. You have to earn it. Your choice.

Note: The photograph that accompanies this work was taken on November 9, 2019. The V put into my hair…V for Vendetta or Vengeance…matches the avenging angel I was sent on November 11.

 Sealed Heart
what you think
you evil bitch
you gotta itch
play...throw me in a ditch
I got this shit
God† is the bit
every single, tiny inch
of my very soul's tit
‒I'll never be your witch
I rebuke your every twitch!
this heart is sealed‒
inch for inch
God† is the light‒
every single, tiny hitch
I won't switch
sorry, sorry, sorry
for your flawed clinch
‒fuck up whatever you wish
I'm HIS†...forever and ever
–so me...go ahead...ditch
yeah! I got this shit
go on...do your afflict
I'll cry and moan‒
fall into conflict
then I'll rise‒
you can go 'head...predict
God† is more powerful‒
He's† the light
not the pit
so seal your shit
this here‒
my official transcript:
fuck you…
and all your evil spirits
I bow to God†...Jesus†
I'm not perfect‒
but you done flicked
the wrong brick
and...only to God†
do I summit
my surrendering stick
for HE IS the IT
in my entire
lamp's WICK!

(November 20, 2019)—After ‘A Swayer’s Cup’ comes this work. Today, after God put thoughts in my head all night long about my sisters and what I need to tell them and my nephew and all those who do things and don’t think God sees. I fear God. I don’t fear them. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. That’s not God’s point. He’s sick of all this behavior. His heart is hurt…as mine is broken, so is His.

After my talk with David, and he telling me to write and what I write is already blessed by God because I now have the Holy Spirit guiding me, I asked God to show me. I opened my Bible, and these Job verses were revealed to me. The same as yesterday, verses that I’ve never written about before. These are the beginning of Job and the why behind God allowing Satan to play with Job. God revealed to me His reason for allowing what happened to me to happen. I asked David with an honest heart if I have ever spoke against God, and my head moves in the no…side to side. I asked, ‘Are you sure?’ and again he answers me in the same fashion.

God will test you. I assure you…He will. Is your heart pure? Meaning…will you, in any way, condemn God or what He wants? As in the girls that called me a liar and a false prophet and that I’m disgusting because of how I wrote. They were condemning God! And they each called themselves a Christian. They were condemning Jesus! I did not one thing wrong and they judged me.

It’s the same with my sisters. They used me and destroyed my family so that they could hide their secret. The ex did the same. I don’t want to keep talking about this, but God has a different agenda. This is serious to Him because He wants you to understand how He works and the why behind it, and how to rise from your death…the reason behind the books I wrote for Him. You can and probably will be confused by all that I write…you are in blind. He’s not ready for you to see. You will. It’s coming.

‘Sealed Heart’…my fuck-you church in full throttle! Satan thinks it can bring me to hating God, hating Jesus…laugh OUT LOUD! I’ll fuss with them. Oh, hell yes, we have it out…or rather, I have it out and they listen. I get it all out. Then I hear, ‘I love you Karen Elizabeth’ (that’s Jesus) and ‘I love you Karen’ (God with His firm, strong way in which He says my name). God wants me to be stern. His wrath is coming. And the visions, it’s not a pretty thing. So, you need to tone down your judgment on my wrath. Because it’s fucking nothing compared to God’s!

Prosperity of JobIn the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. He had seven sons and three daughters, and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.—Job 1:1-3

NOTES: Do you fear God? Most of you don’t. I sure didn’t. Not like I should. I knew what not to do. I did a bunch of risky things. Do you know what God did? Brought me down to fucking nothing! Took everything. He allowed Satan in. I had things. Not anymore.

Righteousness of JobHis sons used to take turns holding feast in their homes, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, ‘Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.’ This was Job’s regular custom.—Job 1:4-5

NOTES: This is us mothers praying for our children just because. This is hoping the best for our children and raising them to love God and Jesus. I did that, too.

Satan Proposes ChallengeOne day the angels (sons of God) came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan (accuser) also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’ Satan answered the Lord, ‘From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.’ Then the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.’ ‘Does Job fear God for nothing?’ Satan replied. ‘Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out Your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse You to Your face.’ The Lord said to Satan, ‘Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.‘ Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.—Job 1:6-12

NOTES: God does NOT change! What part of this you do not understand? Do you fear God? Well? He will test you and find out. He will test you to see your true heart. Job isn’t the only one He’s tested like this. You have to understand the why behind your darkness. Are you going to saying, ‘I don’t believe in God anymore because of what happened in my life?’ Really? Are you that dumb? Are you that blind not to see what is happening? You made a choice not to return His unconditional love because why….you lost a loved one, you got fired from your job, you turned to drugs, you cheated on someone and they left, you are gay and you say you can’t help it…you sinned…went down to death and didn’t turn to God so that you could rise…honey, the prince of the earth done claimed your ass! That’s right. You gave the fuck up!

It’s not God’s fault that you gave up. It’s your choice! You made that choice. Just like people make the choice not to pay attention to their children and when rape happens that child has to adhere to the family WAY! SHH…Hush, fucking hush! Oh, we can’t ruin our parents’ reputation. Oh, we can’t shame our moms! What will their friends think!? What the hell is wrong with you? You are a fucking parent of a child! You were given that child by God and He expected YOU to care for that child. You LET HIM DOWN!

God let Satan play with me. It hurt like hell. It still does. My heart is broken. It’s not God’s fault. Those involved in my tests had a fucking choice! And they chose the way of the prince of the earth! God protected me. He protected me! He let Satan invade my personal space, but God nicked it quickly! God knew that anyone invading my personal space would piss me the fuck off, but I STILL didn’t hold it against God. It wasn’t Him! Those that invaded my personal space…it was their choice! They used me and came after me because they were the ones who had a secret to hide. Not me. I didn’t do them anything!

Job Loses AllOne day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, a messenger came to Job and said, ‘The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!’ While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, ‘The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!’ While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, ‘The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!’ While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, ‘Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!’—Job 1:13-19

NOTES: There it is…the ultimate test! And God did the exact same thing to me. I had a beautiful home, a husband, a family, children, gardens…everything. Gone! Then He revealed the ultimate betrayal on November 5th! Still…it isn’t God’s fault. Those people made a choice. And they chose the prince of the earth…they chose betrayal. And because of that…they caused much more strife in my…MY…life. They IMPEDED my healing! All for their benefit. I don’t hold that against GOD! No fucking way! I lost everything! And I’ll praised my Lord more because He showed me who I am! Satan…that has nothing on GOD!

I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!’…4 times…very important!

Job’s ResponseAt this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.’ In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.—Job 1:20-22

NOTES: Read my books, this is exactly how I saw it and still see it. I didn’t lose my children to death as Job did. I loss my children to betrayal. A living death! And He is still testing me. I still wouldn’t blame God. His tests are painful and I cry a lot. My heart is broken, but God is revealing to me how much His heart is broken…and I’m told what I feel is a tiny, tiny percentage of His pain. Imagine how He must be feeling with the betrayal of a world to break His heart!

Job Personally AfflictedOn another day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them to present himself before Him. And the Lord said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’ Satan answered the Lord, ‘From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.’ Then the Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited Me against him to ruin him without any reason.’ ‘Skin for skin!’ Satan replied. ‘A man will give all he has for his own life. But stretch out Your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse You to Your face.’ The Lord said to Satan, ‘Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.’ So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. His wife said to him, ‘Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!’—Job 2:1-9

NOTES: Do you blame your illness on God? Well? We are all set to go one day. We all have crosses to carry. How will you carry your cross? And each one of our crosses is tests for other people. As in ‘A Swayer’s Cup’, I wrote about my cross and how I was helped. Sad. Isn’t it? My ex actually accused me of faking my cross. I got that from other people as well. Really? Even the drugs I had to take, I was accused of being on street drugs. Isn’t that something? Every turn I made, there was another tests.

It doesn’t get better when God is truly testing the shit out of you. On November 5th, I was told about a horrible secret by my sister who spread around I was crazy to the point that my son had come home and told me a friend of his was no longer allowed to play with him because my sister told his friend’s mother that I was crazy. You talk about a WHAT?! I wrote. I put myself through college. I was a teacher. I had a beautiful home that we built from the ground on up. I had a beautiful yard. I cooked, kept my home clean. I attended all my children’s events…I served 11 years in the military. Yet, I was crazy! I couldn’t for the life of me understand why would she say such a thing.

No, I never confronted her. Why? I watched all their B.S. and just prayed for them. I prayed for my children because what my sisters were doing affected them, then after my separation their true colors came out. They sided with the ex. I mentioned this to my older sister and she vaguely denied it. Why? She did. Just like my little sister doing the things she did. Why? I never did anything to them! I gave them my help. I gave them material things. I loved their kids. They criticized my children when my children were growing up. My oldest was bad. My daughter had something strange about her…none of them wanted to spend time with her. My youngest was bad, too. None of them wanted to spend time with him. I never treated their children this way. They wouldn’t let their kids come to my home very often. I never knew why.

Tests. These are the kinds of tests we are put through. Now, a secret was revealed to me in grave detail and now they are all denying this and I’m crazy once again. Rape is not a game! You don’t use it for manipulation. You don’t use it to get even with anyone. You don’t use it to make another feel insignificant like they have to bow down to you. And you don’t use it to destroy other people’s lives. And a 17 year old boy having sex with a child younger than him is statutory rape…no matter how you look at it. A person younger than the age of 15…damn! And they call me crazy!

Tests. No matter how Satan comes at me, I will rebuke that shit! God is all I need. I know why He does the things He does. He made me His writer. He didn’t do that for just games. And no matter how much I fight Him, He always gets what He wants. He wants me…because of my mother…to call out those guilty in my family because she wants them to repent! AND…because I can HEAR…I get to be the one to call them out! And if you don’t believe that…sorry. The ONLY reason why I learned of this crime…because my mother learned about it after she died! Take that one to the bank! And God….brought it out in the open! Of all the bull that my sister put me through, there’s no reason at all that she would have to have told me this on her own accord. And now…all went quiet…she’s crazy…they are saying once again. Of course, they are!

And because of that…I have to write more on this. To my SISTERS and nephew: Deal! Isn’t that message clear enough!? I don’t want to put the crime on here. God wants me to. You know your crimes. You are responsible. Not me! Use me more…label me some more insults. Satan can’t get to me. I may cry and have a broken heart but that’s all it will accomplish. Your crimes are your own. I am with the Lord in everything! You fell to Satan. I DID NOT!

Job’s ResponseHe replied, ‘You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?’ In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.—Job 2:10

NOTES: Amen. All things come from God. To tests us…to strengthen us or to strengthen others as we are used as the tests…even our sickness! Learn that and you are on your way to learning who God is!

Job’s Three FriendsWhen Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.—Job 2:11-13

NOTES: I had friends come into my life and then leave. I called them angels. Crumbs from Jesus to help me get off the damn ground. And they did. Very slowly. It’s very important to take notice of who doesn’t come. It’s also very important to pay attention to those who do come, some aren’t sent by Jesus! Job’s friends…they didn’t too much know God. And even though their individual Scriptures speak to us in our time of need…the whole of what they believe is totally wrong.

God reveals Himself through our pain. It hurts. It really does. But you have got to understand that He is doing this for a reason. Unconditional love. Will you return it? Will you ask for His mercy? Will you love His Son? These are the hard questions. Why? Because it’s done through faith! You can’t see them. I’m not saying you won’t. Through my trials, I never thought I’d see Jesus while I’m living. I did. Twice. I felt His arms around me as He rocked me. Faith brings you to a much larger place. Pass the damn tests! Don’t let Satan win. Fight with everything you have. Everyone can heal. Everyone…each person…must WANT to.

Here’s some advice: The further down you judge. The further down you sink your dark secrets. The further you try and convince yourself that nothing happened to you. The further you refuse to acknowledge what was done to you and who did it. The further you protect someone who sinned against another. Etc., etc….the further away from Jesus you get! Meaning…the harder it will be for you to obtain God’s grace! Do you comprehend that? Or are you going to go on believing all these man-made churches who tell you God doesn’t have a wrath? The choice is yours!

Job Curses BirthAfter this, Job open his mouth and cursed the day of his birth. He said: ‘May the day of my birth perish, and the night it was said, ‘a boy is born!’ That day—may it turn to darkness; may God above not care about it; may no light shine upon it. May darkness and deep shadow claim it once more; may a cloud settle over it; may blackness overwhelm its light. That night—may thick darkness seize it; may it not be included among the days of the year nor be entered in any of the months. May the night be barren; may no shout of joy be heard in it. May those who curse days curse the day, those who are ready to rouse Leviathan. May its morning stars become dark; may it wait for daylight in vain and not see the first rays of dawn, for it did not shut the doors of the womb on me to hide trouble from my eyes. Why did I not perish  at birth, and die as I came from the womb? Why were there knees to receive me and breasts that I might be nursed? For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest with kings and counselors of the earth, who built for themselves places now lying in ruins, with rulers who had gold, who filled their houses with silver. Or why was I not hidden in the ground like a stillborn child, like an infant who never saw the light of day? There the wicked cease from turmoil, and there the weary are at rest. Captives also enjoy their ease; they no longer hear the slave driver’s shout. The small and the great are there, and the slave is freed from his master. Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled will gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in? For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.’—Job 3:1-26 (Job is speaking.)

NOTES: This is what I do. I wish I was never born. I wish God would take me home. This is the depths of depression. This is normal. For those who don’t believe it is…it is. We turn the strife we are facing back on ourselves instead of God. Totally normal for a believer. Nonbelievers, their ego is too big to wish they were never born, instead they blame God! I’m sure you see the fault in this. For one, if you blame God then you must know He exist! How ignorant to blame someone whom you say you don’t believe in. So, knowing this truth, you are placing yourself closer to the pit. Putting all your shit on someone else, closer to the pit. Not healing, closer to the pit. Denying you need healing in the first place, closer to the pit. Hey, I’m only telling you the truth.

Redemption. Everyone can have it. You have to want it. You have to earn it. Your choice.

Author: k. e. leger

I'm a writer.

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