‘Straight Curves’

A sample from Book 11

  Straight Curves
 (Sweet Man)
  
 do you love me
words from a man
 minutes before
thinking to can
 not wanting anymore
to understand
  
 catching me off guard
 in tracks...all stop fold
 rescuing me from hard‒
that place
where lives cold
 ‒another puzzle's piece
put where it belongs
 in this rebuilding heart
  
 yes, with everything I have

 honesty
from the start
 even when denying
played its part
  
 a softening catches us
 all our past moments
put in a cup
 stirred then drank
building up
 to that silly thing
they call love
  
 the beast in warrior
the fire in cracker
 spilling their rage
 ‒a yell and shout
 to let's talk it out‒ 
what communication's about
  
 a curve
again made straight
 ‒playing our aces and eights
  
 get the fuck out‒ 
no thanks...I'll stay
  
 no, at all
meaning words in say
 in eyes
no need to sway
 that past wanting to break
in the real
out...lay
  
 patient...I'll wait‒
 no matter what others say
 you're worth it every day
 my heart's here to stay
  
 one question
smoothing tension
 God†...part of the equation
 brings a heart to attention
  
 each struggle faced
soft, gentle pace
 haters
you won't find a trace
 I'm† here
your Father's† embrace
 those curves‒ 
I'll help straight
  
 yes, a firecracker, a warrior
 forgiving yesterday's sorrows
 from no promises of tomorrow
 to questions in borrow
  
 do you love me
  
 easy and free‒ 
the I of me
 whatever comes what may‒
 Yes, I'll stay
for he, too, said
   he moves the same way

(January 3, 2017)—I’m sitting on my patio. The wind is slightly blowing. The sun is shining. It’s a breezy 70 degrees…a typical Louisiana afternoon…even in the dead of winter.

This apartment is situated in the heart of this town and I hear all the happenings going around: the cars on two of the main roadways that pass through Lafayette, people coming and going (voices…talking to each other, talking on phones…echoing as their voices bounces off the buildings around me…, car coming and going, their doors closing and opening, trucks delivering this and that. Alive. Everything is so alive.

I had an emotional holiday season like so many. In fact, I’ve had an emotional holiday season since 2010 except for one. The season was 2014–2015…when I asked him to stay and from Thanksgiving until February, he did. It was more than I had hoped for. Having him there lifted a burden that was weighing so heavy on my chest. It was the most lively holiday season we had both had in a very long time. And, looking back, it was a prelude to what was to come.

He the bachelor. Me in the mince of healing. It was also the third season we had been brought together. Never once a plan. A friend then a lover then that moment that this could be more…but timing was never exactly right. The forth time…what the fuck…we just assume see what’s really there. Living together seemed the only way…never really taking into consideration that it would be a serious mix and issues would come into play. This the typical coming of hearts when you’re in your 40’s and life has already happened!

This is what I’ve learned this pass year: You wind up single after thinking you’d never have to enter that arena again. Too bad…you’re in it…like it or not! You have no idea what you want anymore. You have no idea how to begin again. You don’t even have a clue how to even start. You pray. You pray fucking hard. Then, out of the blue, unexpected chances, someone is sent into your life. Not the person on your list of potential candidates to fill the void that suddenly has become your life!

You brush it off. Why? Because you have all these learned conditions, behaviors and ways that you haven’t faced yet. You bounce! Not seeing that God has put something in front of you and you need to really pay attention. When God continues to put that something in front of you, sooner or later, you have to say, ‘Okay, what the fuck!’

Inside, you feel like a teenager. You think the dating scene will be the same before life happened. Sorry, to break the news…it’s not. Life happened to everyone over the age of 40. Along with that…baggage! There’s not a single soul over 40 who doesn’t have it. So, I moved in with a life bachelor! I had to face my own insecurities from the get-go. A bachelor does not commit until they see that you are totally true. Lesson number 1! A bachelor does not commit until you stop judging them. Lesson 2! A bachelor keeps their circle really small. Lesson 3!

All hard lessons to learn when both of you are in your 40’s and you’ve been through a few long, long committed relationships…i.e. at least one of them married! And…issues surrounding that divorce have totally lessened your ability to immediately trust.Life bachelors don’t play that game, ya know. That’s why they are still bachelors!

Here’s what us women who’ve come out of the marriage relationship and broken trust was heavily involved do: We accuse over and over again. Every damn little thing…we suspect. That’s what I did. And seven months into a living together thing finally came to a head. Not for him. For me. Here’s the lesson: When you are fully not committed…you’re a bachelor (man or woman). That means: You can do whatever the hell you want. How other people see you is on them, not you!

What does that mean? A lesson learned…if you are seeing a bachelor and you spend time at their apartment and see evidence of another woman or man, it is not your right to accuse. They ARE a bachelor! If they want to see you and other people…that’s their business. I knew this back when I was in my 20’s. So, why was it so freaking hard to understand this in my 40’s?

In our 20’s when we are in a committed relationship, that fact is clearly stated…not assumed. We are aware of that. Think back to when you were in your 20’s…from a woman’s point of view…you meet a guy, things click, you call each other, might even share time together…still there’s no commitment until it’s stated and honored. If that didn’t happen, you, as well as the guy, still have the freedom to talk with other people, even see other people. Remember how that played out?

So, why is it so damn hard to engage in that same mind-set when we are in our 40’s? That’s a really good question to ask. Myself and others I’ve talked to during this 40’s dating, seeing people after a divorce, experienced the same kind of thing…our minds forgot the way moving towards a commitment truly is. We only remember the commitment part of the relationship and go totally dumb when it comes to the whole journey before the commitment comes! Does that make sense?

I know, for me, me and him were seeing each other…not on a regular basis…in my mind…committed. In his mind…bachelor!

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