‘The Bitch of It’

A sample from Book 12

  The Bitch of It
  
 what the hell!
all of it
 you hear that, you hear this
 ‒what is it!
  
 first they want thin
then they want fat
 first they want blond
then they want black
 first they want
a down-with-it bitch
 then they want
a church-going chick
 first they want
the naught of it
 then they want just sit
 first they want
the free-thinking kind‒
 intelligent and shit
 then they make
the do-it-my-way dip
  
 what the hell!
all of it
 you hear that, you hear this
 ‒what is it!
  
 first they want
drama-free tits
 then they add the fits
 first they want
the sex-driven licks
 then they forget how to kiss
 first they want real's click
 then goes backwards the flips
  
 what the hell!
all of it
 you hear that, you hear this
 ‒setting confusion's tick
  
 it's all the bitch of it
 flip, flip, flip
 when you're trying
to get a grip
 the crap of it...clip
  
 old bitches come in to sip
 trying to slyly unzip
 when down falls
their run-away crib
  
 new bitches force in a rip
 sending those pussy pics
 flirting to get a hit
 trying to fill
voids in the flip
  
 for a secured woman's commit‒
 it's all a big trip
a playground's nip
 she doesn't have time to rip
 ‒quivering lips curl
to laugh's fit
 because....
she's the bitch of it

(April 12, 2018)―Closure. I read a post this week written by a lady who is going through what I went through back in 2012 and 2013 and it struck me how insensitive and selfish some people can be.

When one party in a relationship leaves without explaining…really explaining…what’s the deal, it is called narcissism.I didn’t know this when I was going through it. I didn’t fully understand what was happening to me. All I knew was that I was angry…very angry…and it wouldn’t let up.

Reading the comments on the post I saw…it breaks my heart seeing how many people go through this. It is not normal to leave a relationship, especially one that has lasted over 10 years, and give no real explanation.

When that person refuses to sit down and discuss it, it’s devastating. They give excuses of course. They say you are too angry. They say they can’t be around you. Bla, bla, bla. The fact is they can’t face you because they are wrong. They know it. They don’t care about how you feel, only how they feel. The need for you in their lives has ended and they move on.

[In my current situation, we are still living together, but in separate rooms. I moved out the master room because of the sudden stop in emotions, reactions to me, etc.]

No way in hell I’m blaming anyone. I don’t need to. The fault is clear. Now what we do as the people on the other end of this…is our fault, but as I’ve learned, not just through therapy…there are tons of websites now on this behavior, and books…is that if you aren’t built for this type of drama, you will not handle it well.Hence, the need to write the books I have written. You basically become ‘The Bitch of It.’

If you have children, a lot doesn’t end unless you make a move to end it. [I’ve learned if you have more financial investment in the relationship than the other, it is the same as if you have children!] It hurts but you have to protect your mental health at all cost if you are a part of this type of deal.

I don’t want to keep talking about this, but damn…it’s happening to so many people. The people who do this type of thing are cold and careless and don’t care about you once they decide to leave. Oh, they will come back and say it’s you and what you did after they decided to leave…and you will forget that part..and so will everyone else.There is no good way to handle grief. None! But remember: They decided before the grief took hold of you to leave. They told you bye. The ultimate fault lies on them!

In my life, after months of being yelled at, being provoked, the x telling me to find other lovers, the separation came. On agreement of both parties. After the fact: he denied that. It was all me. It was after all that was said to me that the grief stages began. The anger being the worse and there’s only one way to deal with that much pain: Bargain your way out of it for a while. This stage is what they will use against you for the rest of your life. Everyone. Not just your x.

Your kids…in this type of thing…will change. Oh, they will. I was told over and over to let it go. I couldn’t. They were my kids. It got to the point that I was mad at them because they were old enough to understand, they were old enough to see what was happening. They did see.

Time passes. Things change and you are the only one held accountable. It’s total bullshit, but that’s the way the wind blows when it comes to people who don’t want home life with you anymore. They’ve used all they could from you…and it was their decision, not yours. Cry. Go ahead. It’s not your fault.

The way you handle the grieving stages is not your fault either.What you hold accountable is how you make it through, how you pull yourself out of it. Give yourself time. It will not happened overnight. It will not happen in a year, or two. Depending on how long your relationship was, it could take up to seven years.

Give it time. Pray. The Bible was my escape after my first two years. Oh, I prayed before that, but I couldn’t focus on books. My attention span was Facebook and writing short poetry. I couldn’t read any kind of book to save my life. My books are designed for this mentality: Short bursts of advice!

Scream. Don’t hold it in. All those people who say don’t put your personal life on Facebook, don’t tell anyone how you feel, don’t…don’t…don’t…they are not in your corner. If you hold it in, it will build and you will explode sooner or later…and that explosion won’t be pretty. If it was a marriage of 10 years or more, trust me it will surface, that anger, it will. Let it rip. Trust me, you will see who truly is in your corner when alls said and done! And you probably won’t like what you see.

Focus on you. It’s okay to fall. Just teach yourself to get back up. You will fall again. Get back up. I can’t say that enough. These jackasses who do this to us, they want you to keep falling. They get pleasure from it. They will have to answer to their behavior. Don’t worry about them. They now mean nothing. Do not put yourself in a situation where you have to be in their presence. You do not need that. Period. Go with how you feel. If they bring you stress and anxiety, it is not worth it for no one!

If your kids take their side or don’t hold them accountable, it’s not your problem. This is very hard to take. It will break your heart. It’s broken mine…but it is what it is. There’s no point in fighting it because they know which buttons to push and they want to win so the more you fight the crazier they will make you look. The triggers come. Foul texting is the worse habit to break so try not to do it. Change your number if you have to.

I’m talking from experience. Your children have no right to disrespect you no matter what you do or say. You are not their friend. You are their parent. Like my mom said—Leave them be.They have to live with their behavior…and as sure as the sun raises, they will regret it. They get one mother…one! Your grieving time is no place for anyone to judge…period! Your only issue is getting through it alive!That’s it.

I will talk about this issue pass me being blue in the face. It’s not your fault. Shame on all those who distance themselves from you when you need them the most. Shame on them if they take the abuser’s side because they are abusers no matter how you look at it.

If it affects your mind, your body, you mental health, your spirituality, it is abuse! Love the skin you are in. Be gentle with you. You will get through your hurt. You will experience lonely in the worse kind of way…get sunshine, talk, look at yourself, take care of yourself…if you don’t, depression will consume you. I’ve been there. I’m in there. I fight every day. Let yourself be ‘The Bitch of It’ for a while. You’ve earned it!

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