‘Thoughts in Suicide’

A sample from Book 11

 Thoughts in Suicide
  
 I sit to write‒
I had a destructive night
 one...again...I had to fight
 get out, get out
I screamed in shout
 then alone I pout
wanting to die
 ‒these thoughts in suicide
  
 I gather the pills
 then to the floor
let them spill
 then picked up the phone
 dialed somewhere
not to feel so alone
  
 1-800-273-8255 press 1
 my crying's already won
death won't come
 I can't forget‒ 
a promise not moved to undone
  
 she waits in my thoughts
 the one in memories
brought
 the one to the floor
pills fell
 myself's destruction
caught

(May 2, 2017)—You will fall. It’s a given. Over and over. Rise. Each time, the sun shines a little bit brighter.

A couple of days ago I was let to John and the death of Lazarus—

Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ‘Take away the stone,’ He said. ‘But Lord,’ said Martha, the sister of the dead man, ‘by this time there is a bad order, for he has been there four days.’ Then Jesus said, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?’ So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, ‘Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I knew that You always hear Me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that You sent Me.’ When He had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, ‘Take off the grave clothes and let him go.’—John 11:38-44

A lot has been happening in my life. A lot good, and a lot not so good. It makes me just want to sleep at times. It makes me just want to go still and not move. So many of us just keep going and not stopping to think a little about our lives and why we are who we are. Keeping it going is good, but not setting time aside to be grateful, to think about where we’ve been and where we’re going doesn’t exactly add to our hope…it, as I see it, builds up to a crash of sorts. I experienced one of these crashes, which led to these three works: ‘Hard Walls,’ ‘I am Normal,’ and ‘Thoughts in Suicide.’

I reposted the National Suicide Prevention Hot-line with the line that read something like—It’s okay. You are not alone. I called the line for the second time in the past four years. Why? They say that those who do commit suicide are the ones who don’t talk about it. I’ve seen this to be true.

I wrote a piece [‘Read Books’] back in 2014 about a conversation I had with my daughter. (You can read it here…look for it or wait ’til the books come out.) I was having a really hard time and she begged me not to go anywhere’s…meaning…please, don’t take your life. I made a promise that I wouldn’t. So, talking about why I’m having such a hard time is the best and only option I have.

Am I strong? Yes…and as I was talking through my tears with the counselor on the phone, she reminded me how strong I was. It takes a lot of strength to put that evil whore beneath our feet…and when we are crying and having all these thoughts run through our head, it is even harder. I carry the national hot-line number in my wallet at all times. My promise to my daughter is very important.

You might say that I should never, ever think such thoughts if I believe in Jesus. That’s a lie. We are human. God gave us unconditional love and free-will for a reason. That evil whore is in a battle with God at all times. It uses us as its weapon.

Can you see where I am going? We are not weak when we have these thoughts. That evil whore has entered our holes. Remember me writing about these lovely holes. We get them, especially, when we are down, and they are big when we are at our weakest moments, giving that evil whore room to play its tricks. What makes us strong…strong…is recognizing the tricks and doing something about it! i.e. not going any further then the thoughts themselves.

The girl on the other end of the phone line said something that rattled me a bit. She made a comment about mental disease. Do we who fight that evil whore have a mental disease? I don’t think so. I think our minds are at dis-ease…I don’t think we suffer from an illness that can be fixed with some kind of medication. I think we get to this breaking point at times that puts the dis-ease in us and we just have to see that that’s that evil whore and its tricks.

I read a post yesterday that read something like—Stop blaming the devil for your problems.How misled that person is. The devil…evil whore…put that thought in that person’s head. The evil whore is responsible for all of our problems. Like I said, that’s the weapons it uses in its battle with God. Control-freak is a better word. God isn’t a control freak, hence, the unconditional love and free-well He has given to us.

Throughout history, God has given us enough signs to show us He is real. In the story of Lazarus, what Jesus did wasn’t done to glamorize Himself, it was God’s way to show us—Hey, I’m here. The doubt still lingered back then. I see the same thing today.

I elected to be a part of this hemp oil business. Why? That’s really a silly question if you read me. May opens up fibro awareness month as well as domestic violence awareness month. This is what my work is about. So many times I’ve been pushed and pushed to take medication. I’m at the point of what the fuck?!

If you step out of yourself and really look at the big picture, you’ll see that all this medication pushed on us just keeps us sick! Really…and the worse part is that people complain about them being sicker or even worse, see that their medication is making them sicker. This is what doctors tell them—You will feel sicker because the medication is working! Give it time and you’ll see that it will eventually work!So, their patients buy into this crap. Really! They are selling big corporations’ products. Do you really think they are going to tell you that taking natural things is the better way? Hemp is natural.

God does say in the Bible over and over that He has given to us all that we need to survive. Why do you think the government is placing so many regulations on hemp now that it’s legal?

Directly going back over 2,000 years…2,000 years…to Peter and Paul when the elders couldn’t stop them from speaking about Jesus, couldn’t stop the people from talking about what they had saw with their own eyes…that of the cripple man was walking again. They saw it! That was fact and the elders knew this. Stop for a moment and really think about this. From that moment on, in order to maintain control, governments have used whatever tactic they can find to keep doubt in people’s minds…to the extreme of creating wars and killing as many people as they can…all in the name of God! Really?!

Do you see the stupidity in this? Some will…most will not because they are so wrapped up in what government tells them that they can’t even fathom that their government would lie to them. Control. Control. Control…and they don’t want and will not admit that they are being controlled. Ego. Pride. The Seven Deadly Sins. So…what do they do? Compliance! The key word here. They comply and just follow the damn crowd. They will not admit that it’s wrong or that they can actually think for themselves.

I have battled with people all of my life. All of my life because I’m not one to comply so easily. I was in the fucking U.S. Army and I battled. What I have noticed, the military in the U.S.A., at least, when I was in it, appreciated those who thought on their own. They did it subtle, but with dignity.

Today, my God!, I see crap everywhere. Look at Youtube and Facebook…just two! Look at all the shit they put on there to gain this compliance! Start with the young. That’s in all the research that I’ve done on control. Young minds are so easy to puncture. That evil whore knows what its doing. So, my biggest obstacle right now is my children. They refuse to talk to me. They call my writings crap. Call me a liar. I can’t mother them…and that makes me angry. That evil whore knows exactly what buttons to push to force us into compliance.

Fuck that! I love my children dearly. I think of Jesus’ words: If you can’t hate your family, then you can’t love me.Some take that literally. I believe what He is saying is if you can’t see the evil whore’s tricks, then you are blind to me. I will never hate my children, but I won’t be twisted in thoughts because of their behavior. No matter if we are parents or not, we are all here on an individual journey and we can’t let others, no matter who they are, influence how we travel this journey. I was.

Hence the call to the National Suicide Prevention Hot-line.

That battle that goes on in our minds is fucking hard. We can’t always battle it alone. I look at that hot-line as a medium for God. We gain the strength to call it through prayer. God does work in our lives in so many different ways. You are not weak if you dial that number. God put that thought in your head. He has answered your prayer of ‘Help Me.’ Listen and act. That evil whore wants you to take those pills. It wants you to use that razor blade or that gun. Fuck! Don’t let it win.

I had a guy come on here [Facebook] that is supposed to be smart and make comments that my writing isn’t writing. Really? I scrolled up in confusion. My letters are in the right order. My grammar seems to be good. My sentences are coherent. I have dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s. So, I have to ask what is his definition of writing. I have banned him. Why? Because I want to prevent someone from listening to that evil whore, not push them further into that damn dark dance with it!

My message to my children is—Okay, do what you will. Learn your own lessons because I can’t learn them for you.My youngest graduates in a couple of weeks. This may sound cold and heartless, but this is how I’ve learned to live my life…and because I have learned (do you know who my teacher is?…try and guess) through prayer and being grateful, and have been given the gifts and rewards I’ve prayed for, I know that I’m doing the right thing.

When I left Louisiana, I had the money to be able to fly to my child’s graduation. Things have changed. New things have been placed before me and it is all happening so smooth that I know beyond any thing that it’s God who is doing this. I have learned through the deepest of darkness that God is here, and if we listen, we can hear Him.

I’m told that I will make the biggest mistake ever, and it will be something I can never undo and that I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don’t think so. I think that my children are facing their strongest tests and these tests are not for me to pass, but it’s for them to pass.

God gives me what I need to do what He wants me to do. Call me crazy. That’s okay. I know I am normal. I’ve learned to let my faith guide me. It has not stirred me wrong yet. When your own mother tells you you are doing it right, that’s just added icing. Sometimes, we have to make choices that are so hard and heartbreaking that we fall into the trap of that evil whore, instead of following what God is telling us. Hence, my moment in the dumps this week.

I got really excited yesterday when I didn’t understand the compensation plan in the company I’m in. All of this great joy came into my heart. I was going to get this huge check and be able to go to my son’s graduation and buy product, etc., etc…then my bubble was burst when I was schooled and set straight. My heart broke. I was down for the rest of the day. (I can see that evil whore laughing its ass off at me…God won though!) Then it hit me: God knows what He is doing. Faith, Karen, faith. Let Him do what He needs to do.

It is not up to me to change that. Call me crazy. Say I’m not a good mother. That’s what that evil whore wants…and I can’t stand in the way of the journey that’s there. None of us can. When the path of my journey moves easy…that’s God.When it gets hard, that’s that evil whore trying to get in God’s way. I’ve learned this over and over and every time my heart breaks. That’s the moments that I doubt my faith, not myself, my faith. I am human.

We can listen to God’s demands or we can choose that evil whore’s ways and get our hearts broken. It is that simple. Of course, it doesn’t seem that simple. Does it? That’s because that evil whore wants us to be hurt. It doesn’t want us to have joy.Are you kidding! That would mess up its plan…and it won’t stand for that!

When we are on the correct journey, things come very easy.Don’t mistaken the devil’s plan over God’s plan. When you are doing something and there’s nothing but joy in your heart, that’s God. When you are doing something and you feel doubt, that’s that evil whore. Learn the difference and when it happens, you can recognize it and pull yourself out of the devil’s grip…hence, my call to the hot-line.

I celebrate the strength I have now to do such things. I don’t condemn myself because I fall. I celebrate when I can pick myself up from the fall. It’s not easy to do that. It’s these simple little steps that build our whole self. I am grateful for the falls now. I am grateful for God helping me see my strengths, my weaknesses and why I have them both. Our children have to learn their own lessons.

My son graduates on May 12th. No, I can’t afford to make it. No, he hasn’t called, hasn’t answered any of my text. I’m told nothing more about this event in his life. I was not allowed to be a part of any of it. If God wants me there, He will put me there. I think this is more of a test for my son. Life is hard. As I’ve written many, many times, nothing good will come to us easy. Nothing. Prayer is never a waste of time. God hears us. He doesn’t answer us a lot of the time. Why? Because He knows our journey better than we do.

When we get upset over things that didn’t happen, even when we prayed really hard, it’s not His fault…it’s no one’s fault. We didn’t get what we prayed for because it’s not part of our journey. Sometimes, I feel it all the time, we don’t want to accept it because it doesn’t feel like it’s right. Who says? We do. Our traditional thinking does. God works on His time. Not ours. That breaks our hearts, but it is what it is. That’s the hardest lesson to learn.

My sweet man…he is so fucking calm and that pisses me the hell off. I get irate and spat out my whys and he just goes in the bedroom and stays calm. Me…I hate that…I have to cause chaos in a way I guess. Not drama…chaos because I want to understand the whys in life…but we don’t always need to know them. That’s even harder to take. So I bring my sweet man out of his calm into this battle and it’s not fair to him. So this part of my journey is the hardest…moving into that state of calm where nothing bothers us because our faith becomes that strong. God answered my prayers when it comes to my health.

He sent me the hemp and it fucking works. He also sent me love, understanding and the chance to experience total peace…but…always a fucking but…it’s totally up to me to work it. Meaning? Nothing comes easy.

All the good in life takes work. Like my journey here to Las Vegas. I didn’t have the money. I had to work my ass off and let go of material things (breaking my heart) in order to make it happen…then the journey here was easy. Now, I have to work more to go any further. See it this way: There’s this thing put into your heart. It feels great and you know it’s the right thing to do…then making it happen, you’re like—Fuck this is hard!

Like when I held my rummage sales…a lot of work…but, then the work pays off and the journey gets smooth…then onto the next thing put into our heart: Plan, work, pay off. It was really hard learning these steps…and it’s like clockwork.

Each new thing put into my heart: Same freaking steps. Never fails…and if I go against the plan…road block…heartache…struggle until I let go and let God do His thing…then back onto the smooth road. Patience is so fucking important! Hold on for the ride! That’s all I can say. Let the joy in. When the joy is there, you are on the right path. As soon as that joy leaves, stop and question yourself…not God…yourself. Pray, listen, pray, listen.

I’ve noticed that when I do this and something out of the ordinary happens…that’s God answering my prayers. Happens every time. We just have to learn how to recognize that. It could be someone dropping by unexpectedly or a text not expected or a stranger on the street or…the list can go on and on…just recognize it. God has the most unusual way of reaching us.

Pay attention and be patience with yourself. It’s okay not to feel good, sometimes. It’s okay to doubt. It’s okay to fall fucking down. Each time…your strength will build and you will get stronger and stronger with each fall, you will recognize more and more God’s answers and which way to go. No, it ain’t going to happen with a snap of the fingers…remember God’s time is not yours.

Be gentle with yourself. Our hearts break for a reason. My sweet man, he’s got some strange ways…I love them all. He’s my best friend. He’s really strong inside and that’s hard to take, sometimes, but he’s still here, he still makes me laugh at the most unusual fucking times. No. He doesn’t like all of my ways, but he’s stays. Why? Fuck if I know. What I do know is that he’s one of the strongest persons I know. I appreciate that strength. He may not always know that, but I do.

Look around you. Those stronger than us will piss us off. Why? Because they know. That one person who takes your shit and is still there…that’s the person God set aside just for you. Learn to see that. We yell at them, fuss them…if they stay, learn not to yell at them or fuss them. It’s okay to disagree. Don’t keep hurting the person that is right there waiting for you. Learn to tell them you are sorry and I love you. I think that is one of the most important things with the sweet man. Those words come without shame. They come easy because I truly mean them and I see he truly means it. That’s a lot in any relationship. Plow on. Don’t forget to reflect.

Do your gift, but remember why you are doing it. Don’t let others discourage you. They will. That’s that evil whore playing its tricks. Everything that comes in our lives to disrupt our journey is a test. The discouragement and doubt is that evil whore. Learn to tell the difference between them.

P.S…I will keep writing the same message over and over again until you get it. Don’t worry…I go after what I want. I don’t give up easily. I hope you’ve learned that by now. Love the skin you are in.

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