This book covers the basic survival mode when it comes to being a woman forced into a place she never intended nor dreamed she’d ever go. In 2013, I began to awaken from the deepest part of the darkness and I started revealing more in commentary form. The test of strength to save self came in 2013 and the writing starts getting extensive and a little repetitive. That’s okay because you can’t sugar-coat pain in any way, shape, or form. It is what it is and nothing can stop it until God steps in. That, my friend, is up to you and only you.
A lot of the works from 2013 to 2015 are about the emotions I experienced as a woman: In the darkness, through the darkness, and after the darkness when it came to rebooting the heart: i.e.—the shutting down of the woman inside of us during the stages of abuse, the awakening of our sexual self immediately following the explosion then the awakening of our inner womanhood and discovering love again.
Something in me woke up deep inside when the darkness fell upon me. Of course, during that time, I couldn’t focus on much of anything except for one: The human condition. Call it a revelation, spiritual insight, whatever…I can’t explain it exactly but it was real and it happened. Before 2011, I pretty much stayed to myself. After the gates of hell opened, things changed. The only thing I could do was talk to people. And talk I did…This year is my Bargaining stage of the five stages of loss and grief, and I did a lot of it!
It’s easy to buy into the notion that a woman has the power to learn how to have sex like a man, and once she learns that, she can be just like her ex: Cold, selfish, emotionless. It’s an illusion. It’s the bargaining of self thinking if you can be this way then you won’t have to experience that or this. It’s almost like an experimentation thing and you are not really aware of it as you are going through it.
I questioned the sexuality in myself and [x] for years during the marriage. Many, many reasons, actions, etc., led me to these questions. All justifiable. During this period in my life, I was given the opportunity to explore this truth, and I did. I can assure you that finding out you can actually love again is sincerely welcoming news (which I learned in 2015), but…but (there’s always a but) it is not easy. Not because love isn’t out there but because you close your heart up so tight (without wanting to) after the darkness fearing a repeat of the past.
You travel a bit of turmoil in the process of discovering that, yes, you can love again. It’s a ride. Your faith will take you there, but you, and only you, can get you there.
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