Rebuilding with bricks thrown. This phrase isn’t about rebuilding any material things we might have lost in our lives. No, it’s about our most important asset: Our Mind! We have a choice. We can either continue as we are without addressing the most deepest part of us and continue to go round and round on that endless merry-go-round of self-pity, or we can address that deepest part of us, go through the hurt of it and live a better life.
I did that…going round and round on that endless merry-go-round. It wasn’t working for me. Maybe, it was because of the man I chose to be with these last three years, or maybe, it had to do with losing my mother this past year…I can come up with a thousand excuses, but there was always just one: Me!
I kept getting into my own way. I didn’t want to face Me! What makes me happy?—has been a constant question for nearly 10 years now. In all the struggles of life, I lost all that made me happy. For a while there, I just gave up on regaining what did make me happy. I know it wasn’t all me, but that wasn’t the issue. It never was. Although, I made it an issue. I was wrong.
The make-me-happy thing is all about me! No one can make me happy. Not one thing, not one person can make me happy. Only me can make me happy! You can’t change anyone. You have to change yourself if you are to evolve. It took this struggle with the sweet man, my estrangement from my children and sisters, and the illness and death of my mother to get me to this place where I’m really okay if I’m out there on my own.
It saddens me, for a moment, that I’m not sure yet exactly where I fit in, but I know when I get there, I’ll be okay. Breaking codependency is hard, but possible, but you need someone willing to go the distance to get you through, and that person may break because they are too weak to remain in your life, but the purpose for them being there will be served. God does know what He is doing! I’m not going to lie to you. It hurts like hell. It hurts others like hell, and they may never bounce back. The scars are deep.
These 12 books were all written one piece at a time while I was experiencing life: divorce, abuse of all types, family, being a woman, narcissism, the 5 stages of grief, and living with disabilities like fibro and depression.
My journey is no different from any other person except that I wrote every bit of it down. Every single twist I went through from denying something was wrong, to isolating myself and being isolated by other people, to anger, to bargaining my way out of my reality with people, to sinking deep into depression, to that final bit of accepting which just doesn’t come around so easy because of other people; and, most importantly, because of self, which we tend to bury deep inside.
This book as well as all my other books in this series is jammed pack with beautiful poetry, commentary, prayers…whatever it took to build myself, I wrote down. I elected to share these works in hopes that it will build you, too. It was not easy writing this down and it is not easy sharing it with the world, but as my therapist once told me, ‘If you can save just one, it’s worth it.’ And indeed it is.
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