‘Erase Anger’s Mark’

Forgiveness. It is not just about forgiving in general, it’s about all the little parts that go along with hurt…anger, resentfulness. It’s setting ego and pride aside. It’s not bowing down. It’s living up to God’s standards. It’s what truth is all about.

(September 23, 2019)―Tests. My son and his wife are beginning a great big one. Last night, I got a call from him telling me, after being broke down on an interstate last night for eight hours, a car plowed into the back of his camper and caught fire. Him and his wife and their dog was able to escape before the fire consumed their camper and truck. You see they are travelers and work on the road, so that was their home.

After he called, I tried to call my daughter. She’s still not talking to me again. So, I called my dad, then called my baby son. He said something that brought anger up in me. He told me his dad already called him. That meant that my older son had called my ex-husband before calling me. I was hurt. Then this morning my older sister called. I just needed someone to rant to I guess. I told her I that my daughter wasn’t talking to me again and it hurt. I blamed the ex for changing her heart. I called him a narcissist and said he was evil. It didn’t take long for her to get off the phone with me.

Why am I telling you? Because I have to. Stay. I will explain.

Guilt fell on me after both of those conversations. I shouldn’t still be feeling this. But I’m hurt still because of how my family put me after the ex. I talked with God last night. I prayed for my son and his wife.

After I spoke with my sister, I got my coffee and sat down and opened the Bible. The following Scriptures was the first page I saw. I had not been to these pages since 2007. There are red marks all over this page. Those marks are in bold within the passages.

I was scolded! Not by God this time, but by Jesus!

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‘The Divine’s Chase’ and ‘Chastisement…Useless’

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Oh, how true that is!

(September 9)—My fuck-you church awakens again! I sit day after day waiting for people to change, waiting for them to actually mean what they say. It’s been over 10 years now and I watch them fail their tests over and over again. It’s really sad because to say that you love then to crucify someone that you called friend, to ignore your parent when they’ve done nothing to you but say the truth, to ignore your family because they are doing what they are supposed to do is not following the way of love.

I’ve been writing a lot and reading and watching. I’ve been totally spending all my time alone…in prayer, in meditation. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s hard. Not the being alone part, the crucifixion part. Why? The solid questioning or challenging of what I’m saying. I haven’t said anything that isn’t in the Bible, and the thoughts are mine, the visions are not, but you won’t believe that because of….? Oh, man, that’s why. Yes, I’m sarcastic. I’ve always been this way from time to time. Hard Love. I’ve written about this a lot. Do you get it yet?

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‘The Vine† to Nourish’

It keeps coming. Why to me? I have no idea. But I’m passing it to you. Hear or not. Your choice.

(August 30)—This was the 2nd work that came to me this morning. I didn’t expect this work to turn out the way it did either. That last stanza…I don’t even want to think about it.

This work fell on page 1213=7. Again September 18 (9,9…all 3s (explained in ‘Time in Ticking’). And Psalm 80 (all 2s…which symbolizes the union between Christ and the church…balance, a quiet power of judgment, beckons us to choose!)

I said I would put a post up about numbers and such in my Testimony, but I haven’t had a chance yet. But it is easy for you to look them up. That seems to say enough…the numbers…but the wording in this Psalm…I’m awestruck in a way. The words shepherd, bread, sea, see, vine…all have been put before me over and over again that they have seriously become part of my life!

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‘Opening of Eyes’

The veils will blanket your vision. Love and honesty in Christ will open the see. Only you can do that! Choose.

(August 29)―You are not healed when you do not know or recognize the truth. Here’s truth: We are not born with illnesses, we do not get illnesses because we are sinners or cursed. I was told that my disabilities were because I was cursed. This is not so. Proof? John 9:1-12 through John 10:1-6. I’m including these Scriptures here today for this is where I was led to today. I’m going to go through these and give you what I see. I keep telling you, I’m not here to make you believe, or make you see what you cannot. You have to find your way…in the see.

What do I mean by that? In order for your veils to be removed, your heart has to acknowledge Christ with pure honesty. I can’t do that for you. Neither can any body on earth who talks about Christ. No amount of money can purchase a service to lift the veils. No amount of prayers if you don’t truly believe in what you are praying. No amount of hocu-pocus will lift the veils. There’s no kind of magical cures. There’s no kind of black magic or witchery. Sorry. You can give it your best shot, but, no, the veils will remain.

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‘Scolded Child’

No one is smarter or has more power than God. No one. He WILL discipline you. He Will.

(August 28)―The Book of Job. I had a few more arguments with God. Yes, out loud in the space of my living room for several days. The Bible says to question everything…I do! In my argument, Job came up. My meditation journey has taken me to places I didn’t expect. I’ve done some reading online, some of the experiences I’m having aren’t written about…well, not what I’m finding anyway. There’s a part, which I’ll explain later, that is bothering me a great deal. I fight it. Well, I was basically scolded for fighting it then…THEN…I opened my Bible and there it was…JOB! I haven’t been led to Job in quite a while, but I in my argument, I used Job and there it is today…GOD IS AMAZING!

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‘Vastness of Found’

To heal…you’ve first have got to die, you first have to be willing to die.

 Vastness of Found
 
I didn't go looking
I didn't take the trouble–
searching, seeking
I let it find me
knowing...to truly desire
in...will come the fire
without a fight or want
it just is
it was meant to be
 
so...in my heart–
I let it ride
each moment, each tiny wish
I let myself die
 
I waited for the collide
knowing one day...it would come
leaving me stranded
hopeless
misunderstood
a bit reckless
‒or so it seemed
 
I left it all–
to fail or win
just threw it in the air
I took whatever
‒even if it wasn't fair
 
years passed me by
time slipped faster and faster
one by one...they all said goodbye
as I lay...falling
‒as I began to die
 
after all the achievements
in my life
not one was...just right
all...was to move me
to the exact moment
–that moment in die
 
where suffering is in alone
absent of home
just a bed to lie
an imprisonment of die
as each moment
pain shoots from bone
as sexual excitements build–
some where
in an unfamiliar zone
 
feeling each inch of pain
as it travels through veins
searching for its way out
experiencing selfish doubt
wishing to be–
way up high
in the clouds
 
it found me
‒took me in
patience...as I struggled
against it
deep inside of it
the core of it
it struggles to release
what's trapped it
 
so I let it–
I'll continue to let me die
not anymore
will I hide
I want its pain
to suffer
nothing in vain
–so that I am rebirthed
giving away all that hurt
to fully understand‒
to die
truly means...to die
not a half-way sigh
but a full sacrifice
in order to be given–
new life
‒understand...it's very right

‘Mysteries Within’

You can wait for the hearse and never truly live or you can die now and live. It’s up to you.

 Mysteries Within
 
of all the mysteries
of the universe
it comes down to this–
the me here on earth
before they take
this body...away...in a hearse
 
of all that I've become–
it's going back in reverse
experiencing each moment
the collection of pain
in my bones
understanding what it deserves
then throwing it away
to the curve
 
of all that my body feels
it comes to wounds deep within
–what's so deeply hidden
trapped
forbidding me to feel
love...truly given

‘Buried Deep’

To Know the Hurt. To Examine the Hurt. To Release the Hurt…You’ve Got to Trust the Hurt.

 Buried Deep
 
something buried so deep
lives inside of me
keeping me from being free
in pain...trapping me
keeping me in captivity
 
please, unravel this mystery of me
uncover what secrets–
lie deep within me
holding me from happy
deep within me...strangling me
 
please, awaken this child–
whom lived so long ago
in an unwanting need
so young but with eyes to see
that put me in a prison
locking me up...way down deep
 
awaken this deep mystery
awaken it so...it...I can release
move on...to the better of me
–unchained and free!

‘Blessed Is He Who Bleeds’

To understand your pain, you’ve got to go find where it lies inside.

 Blessed Is He Who Bleeds
 
it hurts...the pain you feel
take a knee...kneel
sit in a chair...stare
lay in a bed...rest your head
give it all–
the Lord†...call
 
in all your discomfort
open the way...heal
there is one who cares
no need for fancy flair
you are not yet dead
listen to what's already
been said
 
no need for cards to deal
break open hurt's seal
whatever's given–
you can bare
to be reborn...is only fair
with Him†...do wed
re-feed what's already been fed
 
what is unseen...is the real
your constant, true meal
all the world...constantly led
but no one...yet...has met
it is found in quiet–
not in sounds that blare
so close those holes
then go inside the mind
you'll find Him†
waiting there

‘Suffering is Personal’

You have a choice. I chose my journey because He’s more important than man…yes, even my children. It’s up to man to have enough faith to fear Him as much as I do.

 Suffering is Personal
 
to cry is to water seeds
hunger is to know how to feed
–those in need
those accustomed to being the weed
 
to the Word I shall heed
no matter the cost–
no matter how much I bleed
it is written
it is my forever creed
–my vow, my chosen deed
 
all this hope I shall mead
I will adhere to what I believe
good...I will constantly conceive
open all that I am
for what I'm to receive
 
if I stand strong–
I can always be naïve
wear my heart on my sleeve
allow others...me...to deceive
allow others...me...walk away...leave
I'll never...in negative...weave
their meddling notion in unbelief
 
I'm His† child...this vine
forever grows through weeds
forever planting hope's seed
forever holding strong–
my intentions
in all I believe
for all creation: the sun, the mountains, the animals, the sea
the entire earth...everything
that my eyes see
even this air that I breathe
comes from the one and only 'He†'!
 
I'm His† child...open to all
there is to see
moved by what is unseen
what is to be
what is already deemed
all in the hope for souls
to be redeemed
–picked...one by one...those taken for weeds
but have been already chosen–
for the light...deemed