‘Fight from Inside’

 Fight from Inside
  
 all around
build a shield
 allow inside
glory in heal
 this magic of love...feel
 –let it be
your strongest appeal
  
 in Christ†
let His† words build
 hold steady
forbid evil to steal
 all around
let love be real
  
 devour it
like your last meal
 on your knees...kneel
 make it your biggest deal
 all that bottled, stored away pain–
 let it all
to the floor
spill
  
 let Jesus† take the wheel
 don't anymore
this pain
conceal
 break loose
fill your heart with zeal
 all the layers
back
peal
  
 then...after you break through
all the fears
 after all the tears
after all the fight
 after all
what made you cry
through nights
 –everything that put you
through the mill
 release all that you feel
send it all to God†–
 that final bill
  
 then...begin a new life's reel
 with only joy
consuming
your journey's field

(March 3, 2019)—(Note: I wrote the following almost a month ago. I’ve been writing articles on narcissism a lot lately. I just read Power by Shahida Arabi on the subject and I like to write when it’s fresh.

There’s a healing side to narcissism. A difficult one. The article below was written after I read a book titled It Wasn’t Your Fault by Beverly Engel, LMFT and it triggered thinking about this other side of codependency and narcissism.

I know the research all states that narcissist don’t go to therapy, but it doesn’t hurt to keep putting it out there that they do have an option. I know I can be bold and tough, but I also have this side that believes that anyone can heal if they wanted to. It’s a shame that most narcissist will not engage in the healing of self and just continue to leave their mess, but we do still have hope…and that’s always worth praying for.)

Sometimes, we forget what we’ve learned, we forget what was revealed to us, then something happens and we are reminded. Sometimes, that hits us so hard in the face that we have to sit somewhere quiet and let the tears fall. That happened to me last night.

I spent hours reading article after article on narcissism. I’ve read this stuff before. I have a huge collection of articles. Everything that I’ve learned during my intervention just flew out the window the past couple of weeks, months! Then it all smacked me upside the head! Bam! There’s God tapping His toe with His hands on His hips again—Karen! Didn’t I teach you anything! WAKE UP!

I want to cry. The tears are swelling up. Oh, stupid me! We are to help not hinder. We are to love not hate. How do we so carelessly forget those important things when we are faced with troubles? How is it that it is so easy to fall into anger, yet so hard to fall into love?

The swelling up is blurring my vision. I know how someone develops the narcissist personality. It’s a protective mechanism. It’s developed out of horrible pain during childhood. I know this! It’s the hard that we must deal with in life. I’ve written about this so much, yet…I let that knowledge slip from my mind and let it be replaced by anger! How careless of me!

The word submissive popped up in one of the Scriptures that I was led to today.

Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. —1 Peter 5:5-7

After this verse and several others, I wrote a prayer for someone, then I kept reading. I’ve been so troubled in my heart since last night, then I read 2 Peter 1:3-9. It’s about the value of knowledge—…make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, love….

I’ve been so focused on posting about narcissist that I forgot the big picture…the more we focus on something, the more it comes into our lives. That’s a major forget! God reminded me this morning of that big picture.

Labeling people. Judging. Constantly focusing on their weaknesses. The big picture! We all have weaknesses. We all have had something major happen to us. If you hadn’t…it’s coming. Because of those things, we develop this thing inside of us that takes over. It’s like this thing is there to protect us, shield us…only…without dealing, it grows!

Some of us deal out loud…like me. Some of us bury it. Women are good at, sooner or later, dealing. We are emotional creatures by nature. We seek counsel from therapists, friends, mothers, even husbands and boyfriends. Relationships rock because of the ways in which we women seek counsel…but we get it out of our system. It may take a while…that shaky ground where men label us as bat-shit crazy. Women just have to get the shit out. It eats and eats at us, and, a lot of the times, we don’t know exactly what is eating at us and we just explode, bitch, complain…until that it names itself. Sooner or later…this happens.

Men are a different type of creature. Western men. Our society teaches its boys not to cry, not to complain, not to whine. They are taught that it is their duty to protect, to be a man even if they are little boys.

I had my oldest in Germany. The German society is a bit different than here in America, and without realizing it, I took their ways as my own. When I got married, we lived in a country setting with this long shelled driveway. This one day, we were outside with my son, who was by then 3 years old, and he got all dirty. I scooped him up and ran in the house to clean him up. The x said, ‘Let him get dirty. It’s manly!’ That’s when I noticed the German ways I had adapted to. I eventually had to let them go because everyone around me had this manly approach about raising their boys. I learned from society because I was raised in a home of three girls.

The man world was different. One day I had all the kids at my house with my brother-in-laws. I don’t remember why my sisters weren’t there, but all the kids were playing with the hose pipe, getting all wet and just having fun. On what, I can’t remember, but my godchild busted his head open. He was all wet and the blood just seemed to pour from his head. I rushed him to the bathroom with my brother-in-law on my heals. I’m in this high-alert-mothering mode and he’s in the boys-don’t-cry mode. It was the way he was raised.

As the years went by, because of this way, I toughened up, and cuts and bruises didn’t get a whole lot of attention. I took on the attitude, ‘If it’s not gushing or broken, you’ll live!’ All those things…cuts, bruises…we can see. It’s what’s hidden on the inside that we can’t.

There were things my children went through that they never told me until years later. My daughter was being picked on in the sixth grade and I didn’t even know, and I would have never known if I hadn’t witnessed an incident myself. I was bullied when I was a child. I never told my mom. Me and my sisters got into some huge physical fights. We never told mom. We dealt.

We’re taught not to rat. We’re picked on if we go tell. As children. We bury it all inside. And we run! We keep it moving. Except…inside…we are torn up.

I buried myself inside. You learn very well how to put on that face in front of people. You teach yourself how to conceal the war going on inside of you. But the force is always there. It comes out in the form of acting out. I talked back to my mom. I stole some things that got me into a lot of trouble. I did a lot of things behind my mom’s back. I took liquor from their cabinet when I had some friends over to look cool and to fit in. I did that quite a few times. I became sexually active at a young age. I didn’t want to be a kid anymore. I hated being a kid. Only…on the inside…I made myself into an adult…on the outside…everyone saw me as a kid…teenager!

What made me write about this? The following verse—

‘Everything is permissible for me’—but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible for me’—but I will not be mastered by anything. ‘Food for the stomach and the stomach for food.’—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By His power, God raised the Lord from the dead, and He will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit.—1 Corinthians 6:12-20

Developing into anything from codependency to narcissism, is not our fault. The funny thing about these two personality traits is that we don’t face it until much later in life. Codependents attract narcissists because they go hand in hand…one needs, one gives. Both are not evil if you look at them from a God view-point. Codependents tend to want to face their demons. Sooner or later…all gives and they either force themselves to face it or someone else forces the face. Narcissists don’t tend to face their demons because they develop this shield that protects them and they refuse to give that up. The majority of narcissists are men. It’s understandable…being how boys don’t cry.

‘Fight from Inside’…I think about all those marriages that lasted 40-50 years. I think about that phrase from the movie War Room about how women are men’s ticket into heaven. I think about how women are expected to be submissive. I think about society back then and society now. A person who developed one of these two personality traits I’ve mentioned here had a better chance at healing and getting through it back then, even with less knowledge of them because they didn’t have all the social media and apps and open doors to feed what builds these two traits. Back then…the woman had a better chance at helping her man through the hard because she didn’t have all this feed, so men back then faced their demons with a woman who had strength on her side. She didn’t need to fight anything else, so love and patience became her friends.

Most couples who are my parents’ age, developed space. Mom had the house. Dad had his camp. When mom got too frustrated with him, she’d say, Go to the camp! or Go outside! He always knew he pushed too hard when she said something like that. I noticed many times, he’d smirk, grab a snack and go outside.

Mom didn’t have the resources like we have today. It wasn’t heard of to see a shrink back then. Seeing a therapists was considered weak. People would actually whisper if they heard you were seeing a shrink! In mom’s day, the shrink was friends and family…in the form of gossip! Word spread fast if something drastic happened in your life. We learn this quick as children. Those adult conversations with that soft whisper in the air…hmmm!

There was more to this thing…so much of the hush-hush…was a part of my childhood. It’s that—What are people going to think?—deal. It was such a big deal that a lot of us lived in secret. We did things behind our parents’ back and NO ONE told on ANY ONE! A lot of us had a lot of secrets. And…things happened to us that we never told because of that look our parents would give us and that—What are people going to think?

So we bury everything…and 20-30 years later it all hits us, and we look at ourselves and wonder—If only that hadn’t happened? But that is just a brief moment of thought because to bring up the past…things that we buried…is ridiculous! At least, that’s what some folks believe. Only, it’s not because it has shaped us into who we have become…for many: the codependent and the narcissist. The only way to deal with these is to ‘Fight from Inside.’

For me, as a codependent, I could not do it alone. Even after all the therapy, I needed a force. The sweet man was my force. He wouldn’t back down. It was war. It was hell. His personality trait was like a wall that I could slam up against over and over until mine broke free. I had to dig deep into myself, then into him. He didn’t like it. It broke all trust, everything that kept us tied to one another…that kept us returning to each other over and over since that first time we met over seven years ago. All of what I had to unload…broke the hold.

Knowing what it took for me, the codependent, to unload all that held me captive, I know it would take someone really powerful to break the hold on someone with the narcissist personality trait because their pain runs way deeper than a codependent.

As I was lead to the experience I had that I wrote about in Book 12, the phrase Go deep, kept being said to me. I knew that I had to go really deep inside to break the codependency hold. That’s what you have to do. The only thing that helped me was the Word. Sorry, if you want to hear something else. I tried everything else. The sweet man kept pushing and pushing, Get saved! He was the force that was leading me constantly to Jesus. I know the battles we’ve had. I know what I put out online. Those were my weaknesses that I had to fight.

Society looks at things so wrong, and that gets engrained into our minds that, instead of following what we know to be the truth, we follow the lie. All those articles I read are good information, but they are written wrong. They are written with anger and hate. After you read four or five of these articles on narcissist or abusers, you feel hate and anger and you want to take revenge! No! They are written WRONG!

How is anyone to heal, to feel safe if everything is put in place to condemn? Because of the research I’d read while still not healed, my writings, at times, did this without wanting to, but I kept them in the books because that is how my mind was working and my books are about the mind and what it goes through during abuse and the healing of it.

How are we to fight with love if so much is put before us to confuse us, to manipulate us, to play with our emotions? Those women back then…they didn’t have the confusion. Those who knew how to use the Word…they knew how to deal with narcissism. They were taught well and they had a partner for 40-60 years and they lived mostly in peace. Those who weren’t taught well still had those long marriages, but lived in misery and sickness. I know this because I watched my mom’s life. I know her family history.

Traditions. They sure did fuck us up! If only….—We can’t keep saying that. The sweet man kept telling me to get rid of the fear. He kept telling me to leave the past behind. I learned that you have to face that fear head on, you have to face what happened to you…not just during the relationship that affected you, but what happened to you as a child. You have to go ALL the way back!

It’s good to make your outside look good, but it’s the inside that the wars take place. ‘Fight from Inside’ if you want a better tomorrow. My books can help you along your journey. God bless.

Get 1, 2, 3 or all of them…depending on which stage of the five stages of grief you are in. They will help you understand why you are being the way you are…anger, hate, misery, depression, loneliness. It’s your choice on how long you want to suffer. For me, it was seven years. My 12-Book Series can help you get through it all sooner.