‘Shouldering Damage’

You deal and accept the physical damage caused by narcissism’s carelessness

 
Shouldering Damage
 
upon her shoulders
carries the weight–
shouldering damage
from those who couldn't stay
–a go-getter
they couldn't take
she...never wanting‒
any kinda hate
‒that was never
her intended fate
‒she let love lead the way
ending in heavy price's
to pay
 
only in moments
she lived in sedate
all them medical doctors
had to medicate
she just needed room‒
a bit of space
to grasp the idea
of her body ache
never using it as an escape
‒it hurt...and she was its bait
 
she knows she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–but others led her to fall
not caring the damage at all
 
upon her shoulders‒
she wears the cape
an anti-depressant to mask
a different kinda ache
–emotional chains
she couldn't tolerate
a burning heart
left in saturate
mixed with anger
lust and hate
screaming
without intentional berate
from love
that just couldn't stay
 
then again‒
she let love be her mate
a heart damaged‒
in too many ways
–again...a turn in obliterate
a brain burned in uncultivate
all that damage‒
on her shoulders
in blissful weight
men who couldn't bear
the cape
of her physical‒
being in waste
 
she knows she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–but others led her to fall
not caring the damage at all
 
she now wears‒
a suit of armor
from love's mate
as the heavy scars from fake–
I can't stay
you...I could only tolerate
builds her face
straight to a destiny's fate–
the writer in massive create
 
she...to never deny God
in whatever she faced
so she shoulders damage
left behind–
by carelessness
and self hate
building her rose‒
from a destroyer's
intentional state
 
she knows‒
she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–others led her to fall
not caring
the damage at all
 
oh! how
she can stand tall–
she picked herself up
from the fall
using the rest of her life
in God's hall
lost to true love's
missed call
she knows‒
she gave it her all
–it was not her
that caused
the fall!
Continue reading “‘Shouldering Damage’”

‘Depths of Heart’

Mind your heart or others will not!

A sample from Book 11

 Depths of Heart
 
protecting self‒
not letting any other
put it on a shelf
seems to be utmost important
‒above anything else
 
for in self
happiness lies
rises high
above health
any amount of wealth
‒pulling the heart
out of hell
out of the darkest well
 
for in truth heart dwells
untied from man's inhuman belt
released from whatever shelf
man tries to impel
keeping the heart from melt
‒happiness locked in a cell
 
get out, get out
see yourself‒
way deep inside
where happiness compels
in heart
where it truly swells
Continue reading “‘Depths of Heart’”

”Read Books”

Don’t Let Suicide Take You!

A sample from Book 7

 Read Books
(for Samantha)
 
read books
she says to me
write your story
she pleads
 
I see her sincerity‒
her begging
 
please don’t go away from me....
please don’t let hate win

 
I feel the hurt in her
‒so deep
when my words spill
I don’t want to be here
 
she’s exhausted
her please
 
please don’t let
suicide take you from me

 
so I fight
I stay
in this lonely world
created
just for me
 
for her
her sad pleas
how can I die
leave her
not free
 
so I must
read books
lose myself
in false looks
try to forget
this evil hook
and all he took
 
for her I’ll stay
make it through
another day
me and memories
of love I believed
of love which deceived
 
I struggle for her
try to hide this hurt
so her eyes
don’t cry
death...I push away
one more day
for her to say
 
mom, I love you
please stay
Continue reading “”Read Books””

‘Ends of Ropes’

If They Did It Once, They’ll Do It Again!

A sample from Book 8

 Ends of Ropes
 
look at its threads‒
each line
blending in fine
carefully woven
 
notice its variations
notice what stays
real out of charade
‒the weak
break off
slip away
so strength
doesn't starve
doesn't fade
 
its fine threads
continue their blend
return to straight
when comes a bend
 
with tender care
grows these single lines
with love...hope
combine
to thickness of ropes
 
growing, growing
with decency of time
harmony's kind
 
it's a pleasurable watch
tic, tic
around the clock
when unexpected knots
slip out
longer, longer
tighter, tighter
strength‒
strangles doubt
 
unassureness ends
awakens
again
growing, growing
longer, longer
tighter, tighter
 
be careful
oh so gentle
lost of hopes
easily tangles
those ends of ropes
‒halting grow
with single knots
stopping clocks
meant
to stay
unlocked
Continue reading “‘Ends of Ropes’”

‘No Goodbye Kisses’

It’s Not Your Fault!

A sample from Book 6

 No Goodbye Kisses
 
I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
my steps slow
not sure
in which room to go
there's pain in every inch
remembering
the pounding
of your fist
 
I spoke my mind
maybe a little too unkind
your actions
way out of line
 
hurt...anger grows
not understanding
not knowing
why you changed
why you don't see
how you made
our life to be
 
your continued rage
backed me into a cage
I yelled for you to go
each word
another silent blow
denial and lies
I refused to cry
stood my ground
tired
of being treated
like a clown
 
once more
you ignored
as our child's eyes
grew wide
you continued
your raging tide
stand up for yourself
words I taught
actions―
I couldn't put on a shelf
your finger pointing
your hurt anointing
 
I slapped your face
hoping
it'll send you away
 
instead
you pounced―
off the cement
my head bounced
slamming your steel toes
into my thigh
my hands and elbow
razored with holes
your continued blast
left me
in a frozen cast
 
our son grabbed you
against the truck
he threw
my mother held me
I don't remember
jumping to my feet
I kicked you
I wanted to hurt you
I wanted to maim you
I wanted to kill you
 
I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
my steps slow
not sure
in which room to go
 
three times
in all these years
you crossed this line
bruises on my skin
my walk full of fear
each time worse
in between
silent torture
not standing up for me
not even seeing me
 
a continued
losing journey
me
wanting a family
you
becoming an enemy
a stranger
breeding hate and anger
 
I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
my steps slow
not sure
in which room to go
 
feeling the pain
in every inch
from the pounding
of your fist
 
staying...I resist
your actions
crossed the line
 
no goodbye kisses
just closing the door
leaving it all behind
Continue reading “‘No Goodbye Kisses’”

‘Lies vs Deception’

There’s a Big Difference Between a Lie and a Deception!

A sample from Book 5…This is what Anger and Denial looks like!

 Lies vs Deception
 
everyone lies
ones needed to get by
―little white ones
sometimes a big one
―not for fun
more to avoid
heavy explanation
 
we can forgive some
an immediate redemption
others
take time for calculation
eventually
forgiveness does come
 
not everyone deceives
a lie used to covet
to hid beneath it
a little white lie that grows
without a why
making someone believe
―hoping honesty
they receive
 
lies used to deceive
turning facts to fiction
deep wombs to leave
forgiveness
given no consideration
 
small lies
we often give
makes lives
easier to live
deceptions hide
reality's gift
closing hearts
helping them die
Continue reading “‘Lies vs Deception’”

‘Anger’s Brethren’

Don’t Use the Children!

A sample from Book 5

 Anger's Brethren
 
its face is ugly
peeking through
little by little
building its soul
one small piece at a time
 
vulnerability
it patiently waits
then the attack
increasing the heartbeat
clouding
a once throughout plan
wilting the roses
rains replacing sunshines
beautiful language
turns to spiteful vengeance
over ruling logic
hardening
closing open hearts
 
its face is ugly
destroying all good
taking its time
taking all time
closing doors
'til love exist
no more
Continue reading “‘Anger’s Brethren’”

‘Actions vs Words’

Pay Attention To What They Do…Not What They Say!

A sample from Book 1

 Actions vs Words
 
saying words
that want to be heard
is like a song's verse
sung
over...over
then forgotten
in time's hearse
 
saying promises
sounding so rich
becomes an endless nich
becomes an endless list
ballad in a fist
a stream of tears
each...sealed with a kiss
becomes a silent contest
the break
starts to hiss
 
when words come
—where ever they're from
expectations rise
putting a heart on fire
innocent expectations—
waiting for their revelations
waiting for actions
behind their declarations
 
actions
end the frustrations
tells the tale
—words not just for sale
to make you feel swell
 
words said
filling the head
are meaningless
—just an old list
if no actions done
proving
the words
weren't just
for fun
Continue reading “‘Actions vs Words’”

‘Basic Need’

You Have the Need: So Fucking Roar!

A sample from Book 1.

 Basic Need
 
we hide our self
behind
walls we built
 
not being good enough
truly felt
being afraid
fear tightens our belt
 
past haunts‒
needing to prove oneself
strengthens
our woven quilt
submersed
in unforgiving guilt
 
worries
attack our health
negative thoughts
keeping away life's wealth
 
once you've knelt
stop hiding
beneath the buried shelf
 
the past
takes care of itself
no longer
feeling like an elf
 
pain
will suddenly melt
you'll be happy
with yourself
Continue reading “‘Basic Need’”

‘Attrition’

Ways Codependents React to Narcissists After a Breakup

A sample from Book 9

 Attrition
 
a stable life in good–
doing what you should
holding on tight–
what's under the hood
 
seasons change
all the same
knowing they would–
gripping firmly to strength
keeping sight
in positive's look
assuring self
you've done it right–
gave the love you could
 
then all stop–
a tied-up knot
the sudden chop
from what is
to the cold, calculated not
 
words thrown
you misunderstood
 
you...searching
for answers in known
looking back–
on grounds stood
phrases said–
bouncing in head
surely something mistook–
signs overlooked
 
you know what you felt
all the right moves dealt
–the magic read in clouds
stories in books
readings in prayer books
right there...underfoot
all the best
in adulthood
words clearly understood
 
but there...lacking input
missed lessons in hymn books
–deceptions little nook
misguided direction
landing
in betrayal's neighborhood
 
all the pieces
so well together...put
a bit in the odd
the back-there look
 
a moved life
in sudden maidenhood
no written guidebook
teachings a foot–
these misguided ways
in falsehood
 
stripping moments of good–
losing self
in fancy-driven gook
scenes of hollywood
masterminds mastering weakness–
perils of womanhood–
–sly little crooks
robbing more livelihood–
what was already shook
 
tighter goes the knots
yet another sudden stop–
that letting-down drop
forcing
the non-welcomed re-surfacing
of anger's top
that place–
you thought chopped
 
lessons learned in crop–
that sudden stop
strengthens the lot
of hurt's already
worn-out blot
 
out goes buddhahood–
peaceful mind
turns to soot
promises of a finally found
true
honesty in real's manhood
lost once again
in a dreamer
stuck in boyhood
 
all this defend
breaks self down–
losing the will it took
to again's stuck in pussyfoot
–for nothing more
than mere, stagnated driftwood–
too hard for firewood
too nimble-footed
too backwoods
to be anyone's
true knighthood
 
so you just dawn an old frock
cover all the clocks
mourn what's not
–lessons thrown to floors
then mopped
live a bit in shell-shock
 
then, again fight
return good
to its original spot
–add the lost
to false-love's overflowing
melting pot
–take a minute...sob
tie tighter the knot
listen to some hip-hop
suck on some lollipops
–try to forget
once more...robbed
trying to convince self
heartbreak
not your mascot
 
but hope steps on in
forcing self
back into believe–
somewhere, out there
a heart's coming
your world to rock
without ever again
the sudden stop
from what is
to what's not
love in flop
Continue reading “‘Attrition’”