‘Changing of Tides’

A sample from Book 6

 Changing of Tides
  
 an emptiness
fills his head
 darkness consumes him―
 wishing himself dead
  
 around him
there's too much
 filling
with a nothingness
a mixed rush
  
 meanings of his life gone
 what he thought important― 
seems all wrong
  
 a need
to just forget about it all
 ―drop everything and run
 with not one once
of guilt
 of those who'll fall
he just feels done
  
 from all that was good
 ―it's easier
to just give up
 do things
he never would
 forget those
he once loved
 start over
 ―a brand new book
 those he hurt― 
never giving
another look
  
 denying blame
denying himself
 just living life
from a shelf
 is better to him
then standing for
 what he really feels
in his heart

(July 21, 2016)—[‘Changing of Tides’ was written April 29, 2013.] Ways to create a better life: Stop: playing the victim card, making excuses, letting society tell you how to live, trying to make other people happy, relying on others to make you happy, doubting yourself. Start: enjoying alone time, turning off gadgets and go outside, positive thinking, believing in yourself, making your own happiness, expressing your creativity, acknowledging your desire/dreams/wishes, make everything you want happen, making your own happiness tips, helping others realize they can make their own happiness.Be thankful for the difficult people in your life, for they have shown you who you do not want to be.

‘Changing of Tides’…when I read this, my toes curl. It was written in April of 2013. I remember well what I was feeling, what this piece is about even though it was written over three years ago. It seems to be a thing these days: Not caring how others feel. Not having empathy or compassion. Thinking of only one’s self.

I write a lot about the self and taking care of it. That is really important. If you don’t have your self together then nothing is together in your life. Before ‘Changing of Tides’ was written, my self was in shreds and there was only one person there to help keep those shreds from falling into that deep black hole of nothingness. That one person was my daughter. She went through a lot keeping me from that black hole. Thank God she was there.

I know what it feels to feel so alone that the self just doesn’t seem to matter. I know what it feels like to have no one having your back and being blamed for everything. I know what it feels like to have another make you feel like you are crazy. I swore to never allow another human being bring me to that place again. In that relationship that almost destroyed me, it took 20 years to realize it and when I did, I didn’t have the means to leave. I had to endure more and more crap.

Today, I don’t have an excuse. Many women my age don’t have that excuse. I guess you can say the tables have been turned. In ‘Changing the Tides’, it’s all about the man leaving because he just doesn’t want to deal anymore. It doesn’t matter if there’s kids involved or money invested or a family home to care for…they just decide they don’t want it anymore.

For me, the changing the tides came way before it actually did. Years before in fact. There was no more love being returned. It was an act…like a robot thing going on. There’s was no protection or feeling of safe. I had so much weight on my shoulders plus an illness that when the fire exploded, I went into this defensive mode that took several years to get out of. I was like the woman from hell that you wish never to meet.

That didn’t happen over night. That woman who surfaced came out of years of back-building. It’s something that you don’t plan on or can actually control. I couldn’t work at the time but I carried the weight of the home and children on me then to deal with the darkness that came upon me…let’s just put it this way…there is just so much a person can take before the bam!

A lot has changed for me. I recognize things even if I don’t say them. I will say how I feel from the beginning of the feeling. If that makes sense. Why hold back? After all, if it’s there, it’s there. If it’s not, the sooner you discover it the better. So, I just say all my feelings. If it scares a guy away, well, that’s that. It’ll hurt but…it’s better than being led on. I have that power to leave anytime. When your heart is in the mix, you want to see it through. At least, that’s how it is for me.

How far must a person be pushed before that change of tide comes? That was a question I asked myself over and over until I sought therapy and realized the person that left wasn’t pushed by me but by himself and how he was handling his own life.

You can’t be you and another person, too. Meaning: You can’t make yourself happy and another person happy if they aren’t happy themselves. You can’t live another person’s life at the same time you are living your own life. So, my question: How far must a person be pushed before that change of tide comes? was actually directed towards myself as I learned through therapy.

I was separated in the middle of 2012. I didn’t get divorced until August 2013. By the end of September, I moved. No. I didn’t have a job. What the push was? That final written word: Divorce. I got that paper and said fuck it, I’m gone! I had a huge garage sale, made what I needed, boxed up the house, ordered a U-Haul, and bam! Gone! God was a huge instrument in the strength I received in order to make that move. That was right on!

I’ve moved many times since that day. Keep it going forward…and I have. I’ve given not one ounce of indication to anyone that I’m slowing down or will stop my keep-it-going-forward drive. Some look at my keep-it-going-forward model as unstable or running. No. I look back at all the baggage I had when I first moved and now, and I have so much less weight on me: personally and materially. The moving has forced me to look at my life in so many different ways that I have less of the wrong things in my life and more of the right things. And by things I don’t mean material things…I mean strength.

Today, I can put all that I have in storage, pack my clothes, girly needs, and computers and hit the fucking road. I like that because if I’m staying in one place, it means something or someone is giving me a reason to stay there. I was told today: What’s love got to do with it? I guess Tina Turner pinned those words accurately.

The changing the tides…if a person wants you to stay, they will give you every reason to stay. If a person doesn’t care if you stay or go then they will give you every reason to leave. In the end, it’s not about your love but about their’s. You can look at it this way: It’s not your choice but their’s if you go or leave. Your love is not in question. Their’s is.

I can give you the perfect example. My separation from the 20-year marriage took place in May of 2012. It was supposedly a mutual agreement because we were constantly arguing, going on five months. It was actually supposed to be a two-week separation to cool off so we could think rationally. But there was no actual separation because he kept coming around tormenting me. By August, I put everything that he owned on the front porch. He had a choice: he could have come inside the house and say let’s talk or put all his stuff in his truck and leave. He picked option two. His choice.

In any kind of relationship, there will be issues or problems. The relationship that works is the relationship where you have two people who resolve issues with solutions. It’s actually like a business. If the resolution falls always on one part of the relationship, then guess what? Dissolve comes into play. What’s the point in a resolution when it’s always placed on one partner’s shoulders? I’m going to tell you right now…that weight gets really heavy after a time.

For me in the 20-year effort, the weight broke the back (figuratively…a little). So, if you are pulling all the weight…those shoulders can only handle so much, that back can only handle so much…. Sooner or later, something will have to give. It’s either forced or a decision has to be made. Whichever way it goes, something will give!

The changing of tides is a two-way streak. One party can blame the one carrying all the weight all they want but the fact is: their actions (the one not helping with the weight) changes the tide for the good or the bad of the relationship. So, think about that when you experience your next issue or problem in whatever relationship you are in…be it friends, family, loves, business. This is the same thing in ALL types of relationships.

Be sure to include God in your relationship as well. Be true. Be real. Don’t lie and cheat. Don’t hurt anyone intentionally and keep moving it forward. Love the skin you’re in. k

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