‘Spaces to Stay’

Believing in love is hard after being let down. Sometimes, we just have to throw our hands up and trust in God’s plan. Those who don’t see God’s plan: they just keep going round and round. Trust in that Jesus Love. He’ll come through when He knows we are ready.

 Spaces to Stay
 
I wanted to think
you cared
I wanted to believe
I was more than a barbie doll
to stare
I wanted to be in arms
somewhere...anywhere
just to feel accepted
–not just in skin...bare
 
I was wrong
 
a constant staring in air
playing dress up–
fixing my hair
without a soul to care
 
just once...wanting to be
more than just a dare
to not dawn sex to wear
–just being there
believing...I'm finally
free of the tear
leaving behind
every frightful scare
that I'd be left
for another in bare
 
I was wrong
 
the weakest link–
everywhere
the spear always wanting
to be somewhere
–in a different anywhere
 
in blank spaces I stare
voiding empty glares
all those running
to somewhere
spreading themselves
anywhere
–getting no wheres

‘Channel’

Don’t Change Your Independent Self Because Of A Man

(May 9, 2019)―It’s funny how life repeats itself when we don’t learn the lesson the first time around. The funny thing for me is that I wrote about this before. I guess it pays to write about it again. The woman and all of her charm and personality has a way of turning into the woman her man wants her to be. Hold on before you scream: That’s not true. I do have a very good point.

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‘Love in Action’

Actions, In Spite of Resentment, Still Say LOVE

(April 30, 2019)―Resentment. I’ve written a lot about resentment in Book 12. It’s part of the codependency deal. A codependent will give and give without thinking of themselves and then they begin to resent it because they carry the expectation of being given in return. Of course, the given in return doesn’t happen most of the time. A codependent is a bit fucked up in a sense because of this expectation.

I’ve written many poems about letting go and having zero expectations. That’s because it’s part of the fight to break codependency. I’ve been judged a lot when it comes to my writings by those I love. They really don’t understand the process. My writings are about feelings or emotions in the moment during this struggle of healing. When I read some of it, it hurts me, too. But that is the whole point…writing every single feeling/emotion down in order for myself and others to see ourselves and understand what we are feeling. If that makes sense.

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‘Shouldering Damage’

You Deal and Accept the Physical Damage Caused By Narcissism’s Carelessness

(April 24, 21019)—I was sent to a heart specialist today. Although I’m 50, I’m always the youngest in the room when it comes to things like this. (I started saying this phrase back in 2013 when I returned to the VA. I was always the youngest in the room back then.) So, I’m sitting there going through Scriptures, keeping my mind occupied. I didn’t want to think about why I was there. Then I got called to the back. A slew of tests were ordered, including a monitor, which I’ll have to wear for a week.

I was there because an EKG came back abnormal. It’s not the first time. The very first time, I’m sitting in my therapist’s office and she told me I had a rash all over my skin. I tan so I didn’t realize it. The EKG read Sudden Death at the top. In the course of several months, I had four Sudden Death EKGs! I can’t even tell you what that does to a person’s mind. I had all kinds of thoughts racing: Did I do enough? Will my kids ever forgive me? Will I finish my books in time? Etc., etc.

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‘Hidden Treasure’

Discovering the Hidden Treasure in Yourself!

(April 17, 2019)―Life Is Preserved By Righteousness. Righteousness is Obedience. Recognizing God’s Healing Power. Knowing Forgiveness is Available. Forgiveness Is A Must In Self and In World Peace.

Parable of Hidden TreasureThe kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.—Matthew 13:44

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‘Anger’s Infest’

Anger Wants You Steadfast! God Wants You Moving Forward!

(April 15, 2019)―‘Anger’s Infest’…A lot of thoughts have been going through my mind lately. Back in October, during my intervention, I had this strong feeling put into my heart to apply for graduate school. It was so powerful that it actually made me happy. I bypassed it when the sweet man started texting me, then we started seeing each other again. Wrong move, or was it?

Call to HolinessTherefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God―this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is―His good, pleasing and perfect will.―Romans 12:1,2

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‘His Softness’

That Which Gives You Inspiration to Go On!

A sample from Book 12

(January 4, 2018)—It’s taken me a while to gather my thoughts with this piece. ‘His Softness’ was the very last piece I wrote for 2018.‘His Softness’…the sweet man. I’ve written about him since 2012 when we first met as friends. I wrote about him as my lover. I wrote about him as my enemy. I wrote about him as my best friend. There’s a lot I didn’t write about.

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‘Humble of Mercy’

You Want It to Be! So Bad….

A sample from Book 12

(September 26, 2018)—

Praise for Joy and Security of the RighteousKeep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge. I said to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.’ As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom in all my delight. The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips. Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.―Psalm 16

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‘Unconditional Terms’

‘Unconditional’ Fades When Another Takes Your Place!

A sample from Book 12

(July 25, 2018 [Didn’t post on Facebook.])—When toxicity takes its toll, there’s nothing to say or do.

A weak heart turns to go, finds a new heart to rip apart. A strong heart cries alone, struggling to regain ground, move on. You don’t lose to cheating. You lose to betrayal. That’s why those who don’t marry, stay single. They can just hang it up, move on to another. The faithful one can’t do this.

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‘Knife’

Surviving the Knife of Those Who Betray You!

A sample from Book 12

(April 21, 2018)—That knife becomes weaker when we gain the support of others, when we start to see the true meaning behind our life. That knife doesn’t come out that easy especially when you see everyone’s true disclosure.

There’s so much to say, then there’s nothing to say. I have this much on my mind: If they don’t want to see you, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, they won’t see you.

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