‘Shouldering Damage’

You deal and accept the physical damage caused by narcissism’s carelessness

 
Shouldering Damage
 
upon her shoulders
carries the weight–
shouldering damage
from those who couldn't stay
–a go-getter
they couldn't take
she...never wanting‒
any kinda hate
‒that was never
her intended fate
‒she let love lead the way
ending in heavy price's
to pay
 
only in moments
she lived in sedate
all them medical doctors
had to medicate
she just needed room‒
a bit of space
to grasp the idea
of her body ache
never using it as an escape
‒it hurt...and she was its bait
 
she knows she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–but others led her to fall
not caring the damage at all
 
upon her shoulders‒
she wears the cape
an anti-depressant to mask
a different kinda ache
–emotional chains
she couldn't tolerate
a burning heart
left in saturate
mixed with anger
lust and hate
screaming
without intentional berate
from love
that just couldn't stay
 
then again‒
she let love be her mate
a heart damaged‒
in too many ways
–again...a turn in obliterate
a brain burned in uncultivate
all that damage‒
on her shoulders
in blissful weight
men who couldn't bear
the cape
of her physical‒
being in waste
 
she knows she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–but others led her to fall
not caring the damage at all
 
she now wears‒
a suit of armor
from love's mate
as the heavy scars from fake–
I can't stay
you...I could only tolerate
builds her face
straight to a destiny's fate–
the writer in massive create
 
she...to never deny God
in whatever she faced
so she shoulders damage
left behind–
by carelessness
and self hate
building her rose‒
from a destroyer's
intentional state
 
she knows‒
she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–others led her to fall
not caring
the damage at all
 
oh! how
she can stand tall–
she picked herself up
from the fall
using the rest of her life
in God's hall
lost to true love's
missed call
she knows‒
she gave it her all
–it was not her
that caused
the fall!

(April 24, 21019)—I was sent to a heart specialist today. Although I’m 50, I’m always the youngest in the room when it comes to things like this. (I started saying this phrase back in 2013 when I returned to the VA. I was always the youngest in the room back then.) So, I’m sitting there going through Scriptures, keeping my mind occupied. I didn’t want to think about why I was there. Then I got called to the back. A slew of tests were ordered, including a monitor, which I’ll have to wear for a week.

Continue reading “‘Shouldering Damage’”

‘Anger’s Infest’

Anger wants you steadfast! God wants you moving forward!

 Anger's Infest
 
feel it beneath your skin
evil's way of getting within
actions in horror's den
‒ways of evil's perfect sin
 
it'll trap you in cussing
it'll condemn you in swearing
pulling at you...probing
wanting your reaction
for it's only satisfaction
 
it'll take all
of your triggering notions
you...down...dragging
as it smiles
in sadistic laughing
craving your giving in
your fight...it's welcoming
celebrating
your mind's condemn
 
anger...evil's infested gem
words, actions
its consistency in playing
wanting you
self to defend
so it can celebrate
in its win
 
feel it beneath your skin
evil's way of getting within
actions in horror's den
‒ways of evil's perfect sin
Continue reading “‘Anger’s Infest’”

‘Humble of Mercy’

You Want It to Be! So Bad….

A sample from Book 12

 Humble of Mercy
 
she shivered in the sun light
thinking of words in the night
take care of yourself
make this all count
it's not as bad as it seems

 
–wondering...
if this is really all right
 
she covers her eyes from the bright
words...thoughts in her head
filling her morning's sight
you've heard this before
words of deception
he doesn't want you no more
don't let 'fool' be your salvation

 
‒wondering...
why the needless blight
 
then the bible's insight
saying it's going to be all right
 
the unease feels her insides
but her heart digs in tight
it was always him‒
since all the darkened twilight
why so hard to get it right
why so much fight
 
she washed her face
forced a smile to the light
dawned her makeup
ignored age's height
the saddened night
throwing sorrow to the wind‒
the need to cry...howl
all night
 
her heart sits right
she adhered to the boundaries‒
set outright
time needed with the light
she can't fight
without insight
cleansing her insides, beautying her outsides
letting the magic pour from God†
as age moves on
lessening her life
–each piece
becomes more precious, more fragile
 
learning not anymore
to gamble
what's wrong, what's right
just listening to the light
without a fight

(September 26, 2018)—

Praise for Joy and Security of the RighteousKeep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge. I said to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.’ As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom in all my delight. The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips. Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.―Psalm 16

Continue reading “‘Humble of Mercy’”

‘Knife’

Surviving the Knife of Those Who Betray You!

A sample from Book 12

(April 21, 2018)—That knife becomes weaker when we gain the support of others, when we start to see the true meaning behind our life. That knife doesn’t come out that easy especially when you see everyone’s true disclosure.

There’s so much to say, then there’s nothing to say. I have this much on my mind: If they don’t want to see you, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, they won’t see you.

I’ve said a lot here on Facebook. I revealed a lot…but there’s a lot I haven’t revealed. So you only get a piece of the puzzle…never the whole picture. Why? Because I do have a life and part of that life is private as for everyone else. There’s a lot of pain I cover up…and, yes, there is still pain. There will always be pain because an entire portion of my life has been wiped out…and not by choice.

I tried calling my daughter. It appears that she’s changed her number. I think that odd because the words I last typed her in text were answers to words she said to me, but I’m held totally accountable. Why? Oh, because I’m 49 years old and should know better. I’m the mom…but that doesn’t come into affect when I’m called by my name instead of Mom. Just saying….

 Knife
 
it was put in there‒
nice and tight
when I move around
to the left, to the right
it reveals its price
‒how it changed my life
the strength it took‒
robbing my mind
the way it makes me wanna fight
even if it isn't right
even if I said...say...things impolite
I was...am...gonna fight
‒even while speaking of the light
 
at times, I feel like a poltergeist
a faded memory...sliced and diced
forgotten the way I was
forever entombed in what I've become
not a homicide
‒a genocide of all that was nice
womanly, motherly...dignified
downgraded to a parasite
‒not fit for normal's life
 
should I be lost in contrite
bowed down in pity...outright
or was I absolutely right
turning childlike
begging for help‒
from Jesus Christ†
 
who has the right to decide‒
I'm the sacrifice
in order for them‒
to have their paradise
 
who had the right‒
shift truth to lies
bury this knife
in what used to be‒
a mother, sister, daughter, wife
 
in me...it so mystifies
how everyone becomes tongue-tied
when abuse is in transcribe
‒the victim screams in alive
how extreme...me...it mortifies
that, no matter which way‒
death...comes in die
twist, twist, twist the knife
gone daughter, sister, mother, wife
 
rebuilding exemplified
the alibis become jives
words in wisdom...just implied
while words...wombs...rob the mind
memories of building the first life‒
took one times forty-five
 
pull, pull, pull out the knife
time in modify
is there another forty-five
my, my, my how it mystifies
what comes of‒
pulling out the knife
Continue reading “‘Knife’”

‘Depths of Heart’

Mind your heart or others will not!

A sample from Book 11

 Depths of Heart
 
protecting self‒
not letting any other
put it on a shelf
seems to be utmost important
‒above anything else
 
for in self
happiness lies
rises high
above health
any amount of wealth
‒pulling the heart
out of hell
out of the darkest well
 
for in truth heart dwells
untied from man's inhuman belt
released from whatever shelf
man tries to impel
keeping the heart from melt
‒happiness locked in a cell
 
get out, get out
see yourself‒
way deep inside
where happiness compels
in heart
where it truly swells
Continue reading “‘Depths of Heart’”

‘Source’

Anxiety created from the fight against codependency!

A sample from Book 11

  Source
 
she waits‒
closes her eyes
breathes deep
‒her face tingles
her heart races
her palms sweat‒
a heat under her skin
rises...coming quick
 
shh...she repeats to herself
 
each sound
each speck of light

builds the burning

she fights
 
shh...again and again
 
don't do it...not again
she begs repeatedly
 
settle down, please
 
begging, begging

the exploding need

building, building
 
forcing her mouth closed
forcing her body steal
‒as tears stream down her face
 
begging, begging
 
can't you see...anyone
can't you see

I'm trying, trying...
my grip is slipping...

 
as she loses control‒
her mouth yells
or her tears fall
‒no matter who's around
down, down, down
she falls
 
back to a child‒
innocent, broken
just for a while
 
'til she regains
strengthens
to go
one more round
in life's paradigm
where between herself
and herself
she fights
 
hoping, hoping
 
the next time‒
she'll steady the line
‒that too often...
breaks her holding-together vine
 
Continue reading “‘Source’”

‘Truth’

Racism, hate: Evil’s best friends. Don’t let it consume you!

A sample from Book 11

 Truth
 
liars seek truth‒
falsifying a life
without any light
 
manipulation...their due
cutting it on cue
‒without noticing
the coming dues
 
their belief‒
trying to convince you
all they do
true, true, true
backing them‒
there are few
 
their spots change
sending you to the loo
oh! what to do?
‒without cursing them, too
 
truth is truth
existing
no half truths
‒it's either all true
or just makings
of a waterloo
Continue reading “‘Truth’”

‘Disillusionment’

When politics blinds your truth!

A sample from Book 11

 Disillusionment  

she stood there shaking
what have I done‒
causing this imagined awakening
‒have I forsaken
forgive me, Lord†

ease this hating
 
in her silence
her heart opened
‒a simple token
what truly lived
in this here maiden
 
she watched them all
as the stones began to fall
‒to her knees
no longer...she felt tall
over and over
coming at her skin‒
little hard balls
 
then a sudden stall
stopped...silence
a mere moment
she recalled
 
the dust settled
her tightly closed eyes opened
upon her dress‒
tiny red splattered drops dribbled
her pain...tiny tickles
what...a blink before
it seemed a fable
 
her fear lifted
was this a gift
her sins shifting
to ultimate's forgiveness
‒this she did not know
but the sudden stop
she felt her heart unfold
 
cast your stone‒
if clean...your bones
 
she heard the voice
then the made choice
as all around
stone after stone
hit...not her
but the ground
 
silence remained
she still knelt‒
in blood stains
as shifting of feet
the sudden in retreat
 
silence...not daring
to lift her head
then a shadow overcame the red
a hand reached out
get up child
a mere whisper without shout
 
strength from Him† came
as her legs rose
her eyes did the same
 
His† light dried her tears
all became so clear
her heart felt clean
in His† eyes...she seen
truth's unending scene
her life redeemed
it wasn't a dream
‒pure and serene
forever...trust in Him†
she proclaimed
for the Lord†...by her side
remained
Continue reading “‘Disillusionment’”

‘Laughing Smile’

God wants us happy. Evil wants us sad! You do the math!

A sample from Book 9

 Laughing Smile
 
it took her a while
breaking open that smile–
gaining the strongest need
laugh...laugh like a child
 
she didn't need to ask how–
she lifted her heart to God†
walked long, long miles
for that laughing smile
 
she sealed it...inside
bringing it out
when gone was her doubt
 
no, she didn't have to shout
she learned to keep her head
in the clouds
forgetting
what frowns were about
–just laugh...yes she did
out loud
 
she had it down-pat
that girly laugh
–adding a bit of sass
you do the math–
she intended for it to last
not caring
where she was at
at anyone
came that laughing sass–
smiling so big
walking
shaking her ass
 
she knew that surety
came straight
from the Lord†
she didn't have to ask
what for
she just knew
she was worthy
 
then this thunder came
bringing her to lame
her truthfulness
remaining the same
fighting off
anger's vengeful flame
as her world
tipped its bowl
a once.again fold–
that place
she promised herself
she wouldn't go
 
she didn't choose the fold
it just slide
in to corrode
sinking its stronghold–
not letting go
 
burying
in an inside rage
she...again
locked herself in a cage
 
patiently she began to wait
living a bit sedate
wondering...why so late
that smile on her face
 
then there it was...gleaming
like in a summer's dream
waiting there
to be redeemed
 
she didn't think twice
remembering how it felt
so real, so right
she didn't really fight
she just walked
the way of the light
 
its uncertainty remains–
her holding onto it
a bit of a strain
struggling through the rain
that comes with pain
 
it did take her a while
breaking open that smile–
regaining that need
to laugh
laugh like a child
 
the first time
the second time
she didn't need to ask how
so she did again–
lift her heart to God†
taking on long, long miles
–for it's always worth the wait
for that laughing smile
Continue reading “‘Laughing Smile’”

‘Traces in Forgive’

The Lie: Destroys. Steals. Kills. You decide!

A sample from Book 9

 Traces in Forgive
 
she felt its trace
sweet word's lace
soft-spoken based
deep inside-
yes...she felt its trace
 
sneaking up inside
like a burning desire

give it
let it live

as her sixth sense
stood the fence
 
no, no, no
it's all a show
 
face after face
encountering
same's constant date
lies, deception, betray
nothing real
stands behind
words in say
 
she bows her head
thinking of words said
 
why this careless play
why not just go away
 
then tears cry
not for self
as in her bed
she lies
–but for souls
behind her tries
–their coming day
served on a self-made
imagined silver-lined tray
 
karma
its coming arena
choices in free-will
consequences-
already sealed
 
in her bowed stance
she dances her dance
–for them
solemn in pray
nothing more to say
for truth
all they had to do–
say it
-her total
 
I forgive you
 
washing it
all away
 
now...just in self
to give
forgive
without them ever knowing
–her never willing
in showing
her forever hiding
her deepness
in always loving
as they live
in the continue of dying
 
as she moves
forward in free
 
even if she meets
the Lord first
 
in her bowed stance
knowing truth
they'll still be in fool
drooling in thirst
seeking free
without ever
having the joy of it
in see
 
Continue reading “‘Traces in Forgive’”