speaking out of turn
oh! how this heart burns
this once gentle character
each time a tone of voice
gone the plow
that once endured
for this ache!
there is no cure
honesty...only the heart craves
that forever solid pace
‒left with only discern
out the heart‒
drops of dimes‒
where truth is clipped
all smells like week-old manure
‒nothing left that's pure
seconds, minutes, hours‒
turn to days
as what was‒
gets lost in a bitter haze
(March 31, 2019) A lot empowers us these days. A lot tears us apart. One of the most baffling things in life for me these days is when someone needs help and doesn’t know how to ask for it or what to ask for and the people they thought they could trust turn their back on them. I’ve been witness to this for so long. They all go to church or call themselves Christians, believers in Christ, yet when you need them, they aren’t there, and, instead, they make matters worse without a second thought.
I’m not talking about needing money or something as superficial as that. I’m talking on a much deeper level. I’m talking about such things as facing illness, divorce, abuse, death…things like that.
‘Yelled Sarcasm’…On my personal journey, when my personal boundaries were violated for the first time…and the only time during my marriage…not the separation…the marriage…I developed PTSD. I already had depression. Of course, I didn’t want to admit it, but I endured years and years of doctors prying and poking me because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me physically. I even was told it was all in my head. Of course, in 2010, I was finally in the right company of intelligence and I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which took a very heavy burden of my shoulders. I now knew what I was facing. I could do research and find ways to fight this beast that lived inside of me. Around that same time, more symptoms started popping up like sensitivity to light, heat and cold! Just that would send anyone to the crazy house! I had more and more ghost pains and the fatigue was getting worse, as well as the fibro fog (forgetting).
I eventually learned that I needed to literally flush my system of all the drugs doctors kept experimenting on me and try a more natural direction, which eventually gave me some sort of balance. But it wasn’t over. Before this, I was pretty much house bound…I felt trapped trying to deal with terrible swelling, redness on my hands that made people comment and it was embarrassing me, painful needle sensations in my feet where I could only walk on the sides of them, my hands and feet would go so numb you could put a pin through my finger and I wouldn’t feel it, fingers and toes turning blue…black, forgetting things, confusion, being around a lot of people made me anxious…for a while there, things just kept getting worse and worse, and I was tired of telling doctors the same thing over and over again. I hated this place I was in.
I learned later that it was stress, anxiety and depression that made my symptoms worse. I wasn’t being supported at home. It’s like for a small time, I was, but it was taking too long for doctors to figure out how to help me, it took me too long to figure out how to help myself and I had not one soul at home trying to help me help myself. I don’t know what it was. I was such a strong person for so long, although I’ve always had my back issue, but I pushed through it and stayed as athletic as I could for as long as I could, that when shit hit the fan and because there’s was no outside sign of illness, no one took me serious. That added to the pain I was already feeling.
So, as I write in Book 1, when the x came in the house and said, ‘Get the fuck out of my house!’ I was literally angry and dumbfound. When I would enter a room after that, everyone would scatter. I later learned that he would tell the children, ‘There’s something wrong with her,’ and then tell them to go to their rooms!
Yes, there was something wrong with her. And being that he was my husband, he didn’t try to help me! This was my biggest, on-going argument. At the time, I didn’t think anything bad about him, I didn’t put the trauma of that first attack together with this terrible anxiety I was having, I didn’t know about PTSD…I didn’t know what silent abuse was, I didn’t really investigate what narcissism was, I didn’t know about codependency on people was…I had not one clue. And neither did any of my family, or his family, or our children…and when the world fell apart for me, no one was there except for my children, and all they could do was pick mom off the floor over and over again. And that made the injury so much deeper.
In Book 1 and Book 5, you can see how all of this plays out. Not pretty. I was this smart, intelligent, educated teacher and writer and suddenly all I cared about was flirting and getting back at the x. There was not one intelligent decision done during that period. Why? That’s the ultimate question!
‘Yelled Sarcasm’…Yes, there’s the five stages of grief, but it was much more for me because I had already suffered an earth-shattering trauma that my brain couldn’t handle. Not all of our brains react the same way. Some people can endure quite a bit of trauma and not be affected as much as I was. I just needed one experience in the trauma department! It took several years of therapy to see pass the depression and the severe anxiety I was experiencing after that ‘get the fuck out my house’ deal, and see the PTSD. By the time this was added to my diagnosis, I had been attacked two more times in front of people and this added to damaged that was already implanted years before.
So, I had to learn how to heal. Books 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 cover this day to day process…literally! The Bible has become one of my best tools beginning in 2012. Today, I was led to the following Scripture:
Discourse on Bread of Life―When they found Him on the other side of the lake, they asked Him, ‘Rabbi, when did You get here?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you the truth, you are looking for Me, not because you saw miraculous signs but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. On Him God the Father has placed His seal of approval.’ Then they asked Him, ‘What must we do to do the works God requires?’ Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the One He has sent.’ So they asked Him, ‘What miraculous sign then will You give that we may see it and believe You? What will You do? Our forefathers ate the manna in the desert; as it is written: ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.” Jesus said to them, ‘I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is My Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is He who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.’ ‘Sir,’ they said, ‘from now on give us this bread.’ Then Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me will never go hungry, and He who believes in Me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen Me and still you do not believe. All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and whoever comes to Me I will never drive away. For I have come down from heaven not to do My will but to do the will of Him who sent Me. And this is the will of Him who sent Me, that I shall lose none of all that He has given Me, but raise them up at the last day. For My Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise Him up at the last day.’―John 6:25-40 Capernaum
In My 12-Book Series, I talk about the miraculous signs that had happened to me during this healing journey. And they were miracles…things that happened that couldn’t be explained except to bow that head and say, ‘I know that was you God!’ And a lot of times I pray for God to show me a sign, just something, to ease my mind. I shouldn’t have to do this, but I do because I just seem to have a really hard journey. I accept it. I do. I just ask for guidance for the only one I truly trust, and that is God.
That is pretty much what I get out of the above verse. In fact there are several other things that I see. He’s telling me that I shouldn’t need miracles or signs to believe that He’s there, or rather, trust that He’s there. I should not only go to Him when I have problems, but when life is kind and gentle as well. For me, I’m a little backwards. I tend to go to Him often when life is kind and gentle and just totally forget to ask when I’m in my PTSD shutdown! I need to work more on that.
‘Yelled Sarcasm’…It’s those moments, the weakest, that I completely shut down…all my thinking, all my energy. I become paralyzed…frozen. I realized that I’ve been this way since 2005…after the first physical trauma by the x. That’s what we have to do first. We have to realize when we first began feeling like this then pick apart every single thing after that and throw it away. It takes years, but it’s doable.
I recently read Power by Shahida Arabi. The last chapter has to do with self-care. Don’t worry, these are all included in my books because anyone who’s gone through abuse gets to this point sooner or later. I pray for you that it’s sooner. I’m going to give you Arabi’s five tips and share with you how I used these to heal myself. No one told me this during the darkest period of my life, I just had no choice but to figure them out on my own. I had to DO something because I basically wanted to kill myself! And that IS NOT where we want to go!
1. Positive Affirmations. This was the first thing I used. It started on Facebook. I was posting every bad thing that happened to me and friends started sharing positive quotes. I then looked up sites that had lists and lists of positive quotes. I was so bad that I got a bunch of sticky notes and wrote everything positive to myself that I could think of and posted sticky notes everywhere. I’m not kidding. I had these French doors in my house…every glass panel was covered. The door going out the house…glass was covered with sticky notes. My bathroom mirror, in the car, on my computer. Everywhere! I wrote things like You are beautiful, You are smart, God loves you.
I kept this up even while I was full of negative self-talk…boy, was I! I made a play list with upbeat, positive, inspiring songs. I began reading the Bible again, watching funny movies and videos. Yes, I was on this tremendous downward spiral and I felt it going down, down, down. I was not about to let it hit that bottom…I didn’t want to know what was down there. I did drink a lot of wine during this time…a bottle at a time all by myself and hit the bed staggering. I had two boxes of bottles that I saved. Yes, I kept every one of them. I had a porch with a hot tub and I had the window seal lined with them. At the time, I thought it was cute! But it didn’t control my life. This I was certain. It just because a night in the hot tub kind of thing until I didn’t have a hot tub anymore! That was part of my bargaining stage. The wine and a number of very reckless love affairs…I was lucky. That was as far down as I got.
The positive affirmations become really important during the depression stage. That’s after all the fun of the bargaining. That’s when the PTSD really hit me hard. The slam of a door, the pop of an engine starting…and I had neighbors down stairs who fought all the time and slammed doors. Needless to say, I was frozen most of that year. I buried myself in positive affirmations…anything that made me feel good!
2. Heal the mind through the body. This became important to me right away. In 2012, I was introduced to an all natural product for pain and swelling. After several months on this, I was able to tolerate the light, the heat, I was back exercising and tanning. It was like this super drug but it was all natural. I still take this today.
Exercising and sun light became my best friends. I love to sweat…it makes me feel alive! I speed walk. I love a beautiful park with a pond and ducks. It’s so relaxing. I also love a wide treadmill that’s facing a mirror. On a treadmill, my right leg tends to turn outward, so with the mirror, I can watch it and force it straight. I also like to sort of dance on the treadmill. It’s fun…breaks the boredom. When I exercise, I love my ear buds and power music, loud. I was told my hearing was perfect this past week…yeah! I was surprised.
When I finally moved and got my own place and a job, I bought me a bike. Gosh, I love the speed, the wind in my hair. I also found an indoor pool where I can do weight exercises in. For anyone with fibro, water is a god! And the last thing I totally enjoy, don’t laugh, I love to swing, but at night. At the park where I walked, there were swings and I’d go there at night…me and my daughter. It was so fun. There aren’t a lot of people there at night and the night air is cooler and all the lights are on, the stars are out. It’s just a very peaceful thing to do.
So, for me, speed walking trails are important (beautiful parks with ducks are the best!), biking, an indoor pool (24 Hour Fitness has a nice indoor pool that’s walkable, those are the best kind, and hot tubs!), and parks with swings that can handle adult weight in a well-lite park! And the last added bonuses that give me a really good pick-me-up is tanning and getting my nails and toes done!
That’s the body! The outside! Getting the inside healed is a whole different animal. Getting the proper doctors, mostly a very good therapist helps a great deal. If you can’t afford one, buying self-help books are great…in My 12-Book Series, I cover a great deal of these self-help books that helped me, as well as tips and prayers…everything! I’m not kidding…everything that worked for me on any given day. And I say that because during this period of the healing…the depression especially, every day is a new and very different day. You have to do what each day requires. It could be walking or, for me, writing, or getting fried chicken or watching a movie. As long as you get through that day…that’s all that counts!
As you slowly get through each day taking care of your body…letting the sun do its natural thing (this helps depression…Vitamin D is very, very important! I now have to take a supplement of over 2,000 mg…helps depression! I have to stress this!), you slowly get into the mind of things! That’s the meat of the whole healing process. It doesn’t happen over night. Be gentle with yourself. You are always doing the best that you can. You will make a LOT of mistakes. Keep going. You can worry about forgiving yourself when you get to the healing side of things. Right now, get through the day!
One point I want to make: Night time! These were the worse for me. The nights were what drove me to the lover deal, the flirting deal…a lot of crying! I watched a lot of movies. Going out for me was pretty much out of the question because I battled and still do with social anxiety. When the sweet man came in my life, it was perfect because he didn’t go out either. Be careful with this sort of thing. As I’ve learned, once you are in a relationship like this, it makes the social anxiety worse which is not a good thing.
3. Breathe. Arabi talks here about meditation and breathing exercises, especially for those with PTSD. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard this…I’ve still not engaged. For one, I feel stupid doing it! That’s my main problem. And I’m always anxious, so sitting there to meditate is hard for me. But I can sit for hours and watch a movie and smoke cigars! Yeah, silly, right! Maybe, it’s the silence that keeps me from engaging. That’s why I love ear buds when I exercise. I hate the silence! I think, sooner or later, I will give in. It IS highly recommended and some doctors say it’s a must. So, do try.
4. Channel your pain into creativity. My second favorite. I have My 12-Book Series to prove what I do. Write. And a lot of it. Because my writings are usually long, I think secretly I’m promoting reading since I was a high school English teacher! Reading has always been a very important part of my life. So, in my mind, the longer my post are, the more you have to read. It also engages you to think, to take your mind off the negative. While I’m writing, this is what it does for me. It puts my pain in prospective and I feel really calm when I write. It also keeps the anxiety and confusion (brain matter) at bay.
There are so many things that you can do: learn how to paint, do pottery, cross-stitch, sew, cook…just Google creative hobbies and pick one. For me, writing was a must. If I didn’t do a writing each day, I had this terrible guilty feeling in me. That’s why my books are so thick and the print is small because I had to make the books affordable. If I’d gone with a bigger font, they would be really thick and more expensive.
I wanted to try painting and other crafts but writing took priority and after my writing each day, I did my exercise and then I’d become frozen…for me social anxiety is crippling and it’s a fight every day. Try something. Remember Grandma Moses picked up her first paint brush at the age of 80! My daughter’s college honors English professor got her PhD at the age of 70! It’s never too late to try something different. And you know what? It’s your creation. It doesn’t matter what other people think. You do this for YOU!
5. Asking for help. This is a biggy. I was so messed up in 2012 and had no money that I constantly was looking for help. The local university had a psychology PhD program and their students offered therapy for a $1. I went several times. It took a lot of strength for those times because I just wanted to lay in bed and cry. I also saw a priest. I actually went to the priest that married me. He knew us both. I was always honest with everyone I went to and they said it wasn’t me. It was him. The priest changed his attitude towards me. I couldn’t understand it. Then on the x’s Facebook page, there was the priest. That happened around every turn I made when I lived in the marriage house. These moments were the first thoughts that I had that it really wasn’t me, that something was up with him.
I had cousins…and they were great! I had strangers come out of the woodworks to talk to me. I was a total basket case for a while. I also laid a lot on my daughter’s shoulders. I’m still paying for that, but whatever we have to do to stay alive we do! Finally, in 2013 I went to the VA! The best move I ever made. I learned what silent abuse was, codependency and narcissism. Before that…I was at a lost to my behavior to x’s strange switch…I went from this educated woman to this blank page! Therapy became a drug for me. Literally. I was totally faithful to my appointments. I knew I needed it and I took full advantage!
I’ve learned there are free services that the public can access by way of churches and domestic violence abuse centers. It doesn’t matter if you just leave a narcissist relationship with no cops involved or physical injury. The injury of the mind is so much worse and these places have people to talk to. There’s the National Crises Hotlines. I’ve called them on a number of occasions. Don’t be shy. Don’t be embarrassed. If you are struggling with what to do, they can help!
I know it is very hard to ask for help, especially if you are older and educated. It is extremely hard for men to ask for help. If negative thoughts consume you, if you find yourself drinking way too much or getting deep over your head with some sort of drug, or having way too many lovers, or financially going down the toilet…Please ASK for help!
I even went to the family attorney because I didn’t have any money and I couldn’t face bills. He was a very good Christian man and he told me to not worry about bills, that I wouldn’t be put in jail because of them, and they’d be there when I was ready. Credit and all of that mess…it doesn’t matter when you are trying to save your life! Your life is WAY more important! If you have to file bankruptcy later on, it’s just a thing. Your life comes FIRST!
My 12-Book Series covers my struggles with all of this on a daily basis. They are basically a tool to help you get through each day. Use them. There are no other books like them. The mind is a curious thing. You are NOT crazy. The five stages of grief will make you feel crazy, and everyone around you will back off from you and think you are crazy, too. You aren’t. It is a NORMAL process. And this process doesn’t complete itself in a year. No. Especially if you were in the relationship longer than 10 years. Time. It takes a lot of time and you will fall over and over.
My books are written in a very easy format. They aren’t your average type of book. You can start from the beginning…which I’d advise you to read the introduction…then skip around, stop when you need to. Am I pitching a sale here? No. I just know what you are going through. I just know I wrote about every single emotion that you’ve felt or will feel. I want you to know you are NOT alone. I know I felt all alone. I didn’t know it while I was writing these books, but I know it now. Going back and rereading while I edited these books showed me what they do. I would be honored to hear your story and how these books helped you.
‘Yelled Sarcasm’…We can’t control what other people do to us. Yes, it’s totally wrong! It’s their fault. Not yours. They change. We finally wake up and see what they’ve done to our minds, our lives. Some of us lose everything in the their wickedness. Some of us take longer than others to get it together. That move on doesn’t apply to us. One day at a time does. Be gentle with yourself. I suffer from PTSD and major depression. I have my moments. I have bad days. I have really good days. I welcome all those really good days.
The other side of healing takes time. For some of us, we go through shit twice, but the second or third go around is handled much better because after that first hurt, we learn the tricks and we learn to bounce back. Narcissism is crazy…insane! But you got this! It’s them. Not You. I can’t stress this enough. The mind is fragile. Very fragile. Narcissist can’t seem to grasp this concept, so don’t worry…take your time.
One last piece of advice: Use God! The second half of the Bible is filled with Scriptures that will ease your mind. I tried everything. I can’t take anti-depression medication so the Bible helped me get those negative thoughts out of my head. God doesn’t work on our time. So pray then pay attention because you will be sent signs, and keep moving forward. Your healing is coming. I can promise you that. It’s not going to be over…you’ll have flashbacks, thoughts pop in your head…but after you heal and learn what to do, you will be able to handle this better. Sure you loved them. You did nothing wrong. A woman is full of emotions. That’s normal. Any normal guy understands that and will walk the walk with you because he has emotions as well. Narcissist just don’t care. They aren’t normal. They are actually sicker than you are. That’s fact…not a guess.
So, work on self. You are beautiful. You are. No matter how many times he told you you were ugly. Trust me…he was projecting his own fears onto you. That’s fact as well. There’s plenty of literature on this. Right now don’t read any of it because it will make your anxiety that much worse. Read about healing…what to do and how to get there! God bless you in all of your struggles. You will make it. Yes…YOU WILL!
Additional On Abuse…Codependency, Narcissism, Trauma…and Healing
(Each page has loads of additional books (in every format), videos, instruction materials, and inspiration gift ideas.):
I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
I Am Malala: How One Girl Stood Up for Education and Changed the World by Malala Yousafzai
Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
Pathways to Recovery, A Strengths Recovery Self-Help Workbook by Priscilla Ridgway, Diane McDiarmid, Lori Davidson, Julie Bayes, and Sarah Ratzlaff
Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger
The Anger Control Workbook: Getting Through Treatment and Getting Back to Your Life by Dr. Matthew McKay and Dr. Peter Rogers.
Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts – Becoming the Person You Want to Be by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter
Additional Readings On The Law of Attraction, Spirituality and the Mind
(Each page has loads of additional books (in every format), videos, instruction materials, and inspiration gift ideas.):
Battle Field of The Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind by Joyce Meyer
Cathechism of the Catholic Church Published by Doubleday
Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Amy Newmark
Christ the King Lord of History by Anne W. Carrol
Daily Devotions: Wisdom From the Bible to Light Your Way by Gerard Kalan
Essence of the Heart Sutra by The Dalai Lama
Fasting to Freedom: A Revolution of Body and Spirit by Ron Langerquist
Money, and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Wealth, Health, and Happiness by Esther and Jerry Hicks
No Matter What! 9 Steps to Living the Life You Love by Lisa Nichols
Notes from the Universe: New Perspectives from an Old Friend by Mike Dooley
Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife by Eben Alexander, M.D.
The Answer: Grow Any Business, Achieve Financial Freedom, and Live an Extraordinary Life by John Assaraf and Murray Smith
The Astonishing Power of Emotions: Let Your Feelings Be Your Guide by Esther and Jerry Hicks
The Law of Attraction: The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham by Esther and Jerry Hicks
The New American Bible Published by World Catholic Press
The Secret by Rhonda Bryne
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
War Room: Prayer Is a Powerful Weapon by Chris Fabry