Tag: therapy

‘Men of Songs’

Understanding depression and the veils by-way of Job!

 Men of Songs
  
 I thrash out my complaints
 I take the hurt, the blame
 put it all on my shoulders‒
 knowing
through all this rough terrain
 not one showed sincerity
not one came
  
 so I let tears fall
like rain
 open my mouth
my worded train
 feeling alone, empty
worthless...plain
 wondering if I'm really insane
  
 I cast out my stones to You†
 ‒Your† broken little dame
 all these tasks
my life...so drained
 not knowing the final aim
 just take it all in‒
 the arrows of false names
 on invisible ropes...I hang
  
 told...life is but a game
 learn to play it...you win fame
  
 You† and I know‒
 that's not how it's framed
 life isn't at all a game
 You†...no one can tame
 someone so righteous‒
 You† easily cast in flames
 and that person
will never be the same
  
 when this heart
feels weak in faint
 I look at all my I can'ts
 I re-hear all those filthy names
 know...none of them...I ain't
 but I know‒
 I'm such a tiny piece of grain
 and the only fame
to be claimed
 is that of Your† sweet, sweet name
  
 I'm so, so tired
of being maimed
 so tired of lonely's strain
 what have I gained
 on this hateful, lonely lane
  
 I know it's part of Jesus'†
 each and every vein
 I'm so weary...feelings‒
 my work done in vane
 so, I call on you...Jesus†
 please take all my complaints
 straight to our Father†
 ‒pull me out
this agonizing drain
 forgive all my trespasses
 turn me over‒
 to at least one heart
who feels the same
 ‒a bit of hunger
a bit of tame
 to do works of good‒
 in Your† sweet, sweet name

(July 24, 2019)—Our mothers. Veils. Mercy. I’ve been having a hard time putting my thoughts on paper lately. It may not seem like it but it’s still true. I end up writing it in my head then when I sit down, the same thoughts that I had don’t come out. I didn’t want to write anymore. For the past week or so, I’ve been in a battle with my self I guess you could say. I’m tired. I’ve been doing this work for seven years now. I’ve been writing and teaching and learning for over 10. I’m tired. But I’m to keep going.

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‘Solitary Confinement’

The truth of planting seeds by-way of Jeremiah! It’s time for hurting to take the personal responsibility to heal.

 
 Solitary Confinement
  
 they're out there enjoying life
 those who lied and betrayed
 while she sits in silence
 waiting for her time
  
 they all believe the opposite
 of what is true
 they are all blinded in fool
 while her tears cause her to drool
 praying...her inward tool
 for being condemned
 doing what she was supposed to do
  
 all abandoned her
 deciding to judge
 where no judgment was due
 pitying her–
 where no pitying was due
  
 so she accepts the cross
 ‒knowing full well...who's in charge
 in the waves of other's flaws
 like a rage doll...she was tossed
  
 but her hopes
stayed with the light
 their insecurities
weren't even her fight
 in her eyes
she just watched their blight
 screamed at them
in her troubled fight
 thinking it was her right
 standing up for herself
against the night
 those suffering for lack of insight
 in only the Lord†
can things ever be right
  
 yes, she watched...screamed
 with all her might
 years of blight‒
 but it was never her fight
 ‒she was already in the light
  
 so she waits...sometimes in cry
 accepting the silence
 her temporary confinement
 for ever lasting enlightenment
 as those who suffer inside
 play with false lives
on the outside
 ‒the lost coveting what they lost
 concealing in lies...lost
 not knowing what it means
 to take it to the cross
  
 yes, they condemn her, judge her
 placing her in depressed...lost
 when all the while‒
 what they refused to see
 she was always a faithful child
 of the Boss†!

(July 23, 2019)—There’s a lot going on but little of nothing. What’s taking place in my life is not on the outside per say. I never really knew what was meant by Spiritual Awakening. To be honest, I thought it was all a bunch of crap. But I could never deny the things I’ve experienced when it came to the spiritual world. All the experiences I’ve written about in My 12-Book Series, well, they actually happened. Everything I’m experiencing now…it’s actually happening. It’s not in my mind, or some crazy deal. I think this is the part that separates the spiritual realm from the rest of the world. People go to church every day all around the world, but they really don’t understand what they are hearing or reading about because so much is left out of those preachings.

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‘When You Are Sure!’

The veils revealed through Ezekiel 38 and 39.

 When You Are Sure!
  
 self righteousness
won't get you far
 look to the stars
 get out of your cars
 stare
not at mars...stars
  
 your petty judgments
 your petty arguments
 have not compared to wars
 the Lord† has charged
  
 out of peace
He† can forge
 start from nothing...wars
 use the enemy
for a cause
 that didn't exist
until veils barged
  
 your evil thoughts
won't get you too far
 for He's† in charge!
  
 you don't have a say
on your part
 when He† needs
to move forward‒
 His† barge!

(July 16, 2019)―I’m to write my truth to you. A lot has been going on in my world and it is happening fast. I seem to have written enough about the healing…what we are responsible to do for ourselves. Now, the writing is upsetting in a way. I’ve had some hormonal days topped with the upstairs neighbor having strife…I’ve been sucking up the energy, and then getting this spiritual awakening (go ahead and smirk…I had to look all this up myself), now these writings that are coming. I’ve been crying for two days.

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‘Love in Action’

Actions, in spite of resentment, still say LOVE

 Love in Action
  
 no matter the resentment
 it was given then taken
 actions of love
 still...not just a must
but a do
  
 it's all giving
without judgment
 helping without faking
 actions in love
 doing
without needing a clue
  
 it's helping another
without commitment
 being truthful
without manipulation
 actions in love
 doing
for words are not enough
  
 it's getting over
the resentment
 ‒those taking without
returning the give
 actions in love
 still...a beautiful mark
 on the heart
in the making

(April 30, 2019)―Resentment. I’ve written a lot about resentment in Book 12. It’s part of the codependency deal. A codependent will give and give without thinking of themselves and then they begin to resent it because they carry the expectation of being given in return. Of course, the given in return doesn’t happen most of the time. A codependent is a bit fucked up in a sense because of this expectation.

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‘What Comes Out’

Anger: How changing this one emotion can change your entire life!

 What Comes Out
  
 she weighed
the things she's said
 ‒those retaliating words
 she weighed
the things she's done
 thinking it all hard love
 but it was anger
 ‒acting out
over another's danger
  
 what makes you do
these things?
  
 she pondered the question
 the only answer: retaliation
 she bowed her head
in confession
 responding to those living
in secret
 putting her in the dark...deeper
  
 she weighed
her lost of control
 ‒all man things took their toll
 grabbing at her in hold
 her...letting it all
use her in bold
  
 anger's put her in the red
 shaped thoughts in head
 then actions without thought
 knowing the wrong
in every heart beat
 then came further heat
  
 she weighed
all these things
 knowing too late always rings
 seeking truth
sets off anger in sing
 it's her life
not just some fling
  
 she sighed just a bit
thinking these things
 anger's become a distraction
 at times
giving satisfaction
 ‒the evil whore's demolition
  
 she bowed her head
in greater confession
 this her greatest sin
 one...with‒ 
she no longer
wants to blend

 control‒ 
a fight she's determined
to win
 ‒using gratitude
from God's† den‒
 the only way to contend
 ‒be put in the light
from way deep within

(April 27, 2019)―There are 2 large garbage cans that came with the house I live in. When we first moved in, they were in the corner of the garage. The side where I park my car. My car door opens up to the wall side of the garage. I have boxes stacked in there, which I never unpacked also on the side where I park my car. About a month ago, we were told by the landlord that we had to clean up the backyard. After the winter, the pine needles and pine cones had added up. So, in order to make my job a little easier, I moved the garbage cans to the side of the house, inside the metal gate. Since, they were out of the way in the garage, I moved over some boxes, which made getting out of my car easier.

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‘Shouldering Damage’

You deal and accept the physical damage caused by narcissism’s carelessness

 
Shouldering Damage
  
 upon her shoulders
carries the weight–
 shouldering damage
from those who couldn't stay
 –a go-getter
they couldn't take
 she...never wanting‒ 
any kinda hate
 ‒that was never
her intended fate
  ‒she let love lead the way
 ending in heavy price's
to pay
  
 only in moments
she lived in sedate
 all them medical doctors
had to medicate
 she just needed room‒ 
a bit of space
 to grasp the idea
of her body ache
 never using it as an escape
 ‒it hurt...and she was its bait
  
 she knows she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –but others led her to fall
 not caring the damage at all
  
 upon her shoulders‒ 
she wears the cape
 an anti-depressant to mask
a different kinda ache
 –emotional chains
she couldn't tolerate
 a burning heart
left in saturate
 mixed with anger
lust and hate
 screaming
without intentional berate
 from love
that just couldn't stay
  
 then again‒ 
she let love be her mate
 a heart damaged‒ 
in too many ways
 –again...a turn in obliterate
 a brain burned in uncultivate
 all that damage‒ 
on her shoulders
in blissful weight
 men who couldn't bear
the cape
 of her physical‒ 
being in waste
  
 she knows she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –but others led her to fall
 not caring the damage at all
  
 she now wears‒ 
a suit of armor
from love's mate
 as the heavy scars from fake–
 I can't stay
you...I could only tolerate
 builds her face
straight to a destiny's fate–
 the writer in massive create
  
 she...to never deny God
in whatever she faced
 so she shoulders damage
left behind–
 by carelessness
and self hate
 building her rose‒ 
from a destroyer's
intentional state
  
 she knows‒ 
she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –others led her to fall
 not caring
the damage at all
  
 oh! how
she can stand tall–
 she picked herself up
from the fall
 using the rest of her life
in God's hall
 lost to true love's
missed call
 she knows‒ 
she gave it her all
 –it was not her
that caused
the fall!

(April 24, 21019)—I was sent to a heart specialist today. Although I’m 50, I’m always the youngest in the room when it comes to things like this. (I started saying this phrase back in 2013 when I returned to the VA. I was always the youngest in the room back then.) So, I’m sitting there going through Scriptures, keeping my mind occupied. I didn’t want to think about why I was there. Then I got called to the back. A slew of tests were ordered, including a monitor, which I’ll have to wear for a week.

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‘You Bitch!’

Simple Ways for You to Defeat Negative Self Talk

A sample from Book 12

 You Bitch!
  
 I've got an itch
 ‒pouring through my mind
a well-dug ditch
 screaming words in myth
to the highest pitch
 forcing me down a darkened pit
 ‒a text-blasting trip
 becoming an accusing witch
 out to smash an invisible zit
  
 every word on my lips
 disguised in angry fits
 passing along this typed niche
 thinking it's hip
making itself rich
 ‒taking advantage of my slip
  
 you evil bitch!
I'm gonna smash you to bits
 I'm so tired of your shit
 in the bud...I'm gonna nip
 not for a moment anymore
 forever...your throat
I'm gonna slit
 
 over the top
I'm gonna flip
 dunk you
down below...permanently dip
  
 no more...you get wit
 over the head‒ 
you...I'm gonna hit
 no more playful glitches
 in God†...get a good whiff
 of wine I'm gonna sip
sit back‒
 finally be done
with your controlling, irrational blip
 up goes my middle finger‒ 
see the tip
 up yours!
you piece of shit!

(October 16, 2018)—Are you mad at me for cussing? Get over yourself. This is a commentary that screams—It’s time for some cussing!

I’m going to give you some good information here if you suffer from depression, anger, negative self-talk to help you start turning things around in your life. Don’t worry. I’m taking this same journey, so let’s ride!

I’m doing two workshops at one time. The one on anger which I wrote a few posts about this past week and a happiness workshop. I’m also reading a second workbook titled Pathways to Recovery, A Strengths Recovery Self-Help Workbook by Priscilla Ridgway, Diane McDiarmid, Lori Davidson, Julie Bayes, and Sarah Ratzlaff.

Continue reading “‘You Bitch!’”

‘Knife’

Surviving the Knife of Those Who Betray You!

A sample from Book 12

(April 21, 2018)—That knife becomes weaker when we gain the support of others, when we start to see the true meaning behind our life. That knife doesn’t come out that easy especially when you see everyone’s true disclosure.

There’s so much to say, then there’s nothing to say. I have this much on my mind: If they don’t want to see you, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, they won’t see you.

I’ve said a lot here on Facebook. I revealed a lot…but there’s a lot I haven’t revealed. So you only get a piece of the puzzle…never the whole picture. Why? Because I do have a life and part of that life is private as for everyone else. There’s a lot of pain I cover up…and, yes, there is still pain. There will always be pain because an entire portion of my life has been wiped out…and not by choice.

I tried calling my daughter. It appears that she’s changed her number. I think that odd because the words I last typed her in text were answers to words she said to me, but I’m held totally accountable. Why? Oh, because I’m 49 years old and should know better. I’m the mom…but that doesn’t come into affect when I’m called by my name instead of Mom. Just saying….

 Knife
  
 it was put in there‒ 
nice and tight
 when I move around
to the left, to the right
 it reveals its price
 ‒how it changed my life
 the strength it took‒ 
robbing my mind
 the way it makes me wanna fight
 even if it isn't right
 even if I said...say...things impolite
 I was...am...gonna fight
 ‒even while speaking of the light
  
 at times, I feel like a poltergeist
 a faded memory...sliced and diced
 forgotten the way I was
 forever entombed in what I've become
 not a homicide
 ‒a genocide of all that was nice
 womanly, motherly...dignified
 downgraded to a parasite
 ‒not fit for normal's life
  
 should I be lost in contrite
 bowed down in pity...outright
 or was I absolutely right
turning childlike
 begging for help‒ 
from Jesus Christ†
  
 who has the right to decide‒ 
I'm the sacrifice
 in order for them‒ 
to have their paradise
  
 who had the right‒ 
shift truth to lies
 bury this knife
in what used to be‒
 a mother, sister, daughter, wife
  
 in me...it so mystifies
 how everyone becomes tongue-tied
 when abuse is in transcribe
 ‒the victim screams in alive
 how extreme...me...it mortifies
 that, no matter which way‒ 
death...comes in die
 twist, twist, twist the knife
 gone daughter, sister, mother, wife
  
 rebuilding exemplified
the alibis become jives
 words in wisdom...just implied
 while words...wombs...rob the mind
 memories of building the first life‒
 took one times forty-five
  
 pull, pull, pull out the knife
time in modify
 is there another forty-five
 my, my, my how it mystifies
 what comes of‒ 
pulling out the knife
Continue reading “‘Knife’”

‘Thank You for the Time’

Let yourself learn from the lessons given!

A sample from Book 12

  Thank You for the Time
  
 I often mix up the rhyme
 wanting the rhythm
in times
 then I think
this life of mine
 has to end some time
  
 thank you, Lord†, for the time
 the silence
the frozen bones
 thinking deep...on my own
 without stories to tell
 ‒just a visit home
  
 thank you, Lord†, for this time
 everyone has seeds sewn
 everyone to everyone...cloned
 beeps from a wireless phone
 passing on‒ 
without really being known
  
 I thank you anyway, Lord†
for this time
 for bleak bitterness
in my mind
 for the tearing love
in my heart
 ‒I once fought so hard
feeling so torn apart
 in this space...I am caught
 reading words‒ 
to me...once taught
  
 thank you, Lord†
my lessons are mine
 listening deep‒ 
watching go by...the time
 wondering if enough‒ 
I've been kind
  
 no backwards
only forwards
 can I move the line
 taking the lessons‒ 
building new rhyme
 understanding the journey
 through time
is not just mine
  
 thank you, Lord Jesus†
 for all those moments
in time
 I'll bring them all in
 play with them
in my mind
then cherish the rhyme
 after all, You've† given me
the time
Continue reading “‘Thank You for the Time’”

‘Source’

Anxiety created from the fight against codependency!

A sample from Book 11

  Source
  
 she waits‒ 
closes her eyes
 breathes deep
 ‒her face tingles
her heart races
 her palms sweat‒
 a heat under her skin
rises...coming quick
  
 shh...she repeats to herself
  
 each sound
each speck of light

 builds the burning

she fights
  
 shh...again and again
  
 don't do it...not again
 she begs repeatedly
  
 settle down, please
  
 begging, begging

   the exploding need 
 
 building, building
  
 forcing her mouth closed
 forcing her body steal
 ‒as tears stream down her face
  
 begging, begging
  
 can't you see...anyone
 can't you see
I'm trying, trying...
 my grip is slipping...
  
 as she loses control‒
 her mouth yells
or her tears fall
 ‒no matter who's around
 down, down, down
she falls
  
 back to a child‒ 
innocent, broken
 just for a while
  
 'til she regains
strengthens
 to go
one more round
in life's paradigm
 where between herself
and herself
she fights
  
 hoping, hoping
  
 the next time‒ 
she'll steady the line
 ‒that too often...
 breaks her holding-together vine
  
Continue reading “‘Source’”