Tag: PTSD

‘The Bitch of It’

Sometimes you just gotta to be a bitch!

A sample from Book 12

  The Bitch of It
  
 what the hell!
all of it
 you hear that, you hear this
 ‒what is it!
  
 first they want thin
then they want fat
 first they want blond
then they want black
 first they want
a down-with-it bitch
 then they want
a church-going chick
 first they want
the naught of it
 then they want just sit
 first they want
the free-thinking kind‒
 intelligent and shit
 then they make
the do-it-my-way dip
  
 what the hell!
all of it
 you hear that, you hear this
 ‒what is it!
  
 first they want
drama-free tits
 then they add the fits
 first they want
the sex-driven licks
 then they forget how to kiss
 first they want real's click
 then goes backwards the flips
  
 what the hell!
all of it
 you hear that, you hear this
 ‒setting confusion's tick
  
 it's all the bitch of it
 flip, flip, flip
 when you're trying
to get a grip
 the crap of it...clip
  
 old bitches come in to sip
 trying to slyly unzip
 when down falls
their run-away crib
  
 new bitches force in a rip
 sending those pussy pics
 flirting to get a hit
 trying to fill
voids in the flip
  
 for a secured woman's commit‒
 it's all a big trip
a playground's nip
 she doesn't have time to rip
 ‒quivering lips curl
to laugh's fit
 because....
she's the bitch of it
Continue reading “‘The Bitch of It’”

‘Depths of Heart’

Mind your heart or others will not!

A sample from Book 11

 Depths of Heart
  
 protecting self‒ 
not letting any other
 put it on a shelf
 seems to be utmost important
 ‒above anything else
  
 for in self
happiness lies
 rises high
above health
any amount of wealth
 ‒pulling the heart
out of hell
 out of the darkest well
  
 for in truth heart dwells
 untied from man's inhuman belt
 released from whatever shelf
man tries to impel
 keeping the heart from melt
 ‒happiness locked in a cell
  
 get out, get out
see yourself‒
 way deep inside
where happiness compels
 in heart
where it truly swells
Continue reading “‘Depths of Heart’”

‘Thoughts in Suicide’

When you’re driven to the point of wanting to take your life!

A sample from Book 11

 Thoughts in Suicide
  
 I sit to write‒
I had a destructive night
 one...again...I had to fight
 get out, get out
I screamed in shout
 then alone I pout
wanting to die
 ‒these thoughts in suicide
  
 I gather the pills
 then to the floor
let them spill
 then picked up the phone
 dialed somewhere
not to feel so alone
  
 1-800-273-8255 press 1
 my crying's already won
death won't come
 I can't forget‒ 
a promise not moved to undone
  
 she waits in my thoughts
 the one in memories
brought
 the one to the floor
pills fell
 myself's destruction
caught
Continue reading “‘Thoughts in Suicide’”

‘Source’

Anxiety created from the fight against codependency!

A sample from Book 11

  Source
  
 she waits‒ 
closes her eyes
 breathes deep
 ‒her face tingles
her heart races
 her palms sweat‒
 a heat under her skin
rises...coming quick
  
 shh...she repeats to herself
  
 each sound
each speck of light

 builds the burning

she fights
  
 shh...again and again
  
 don't do it...not again
 she begs repeatedly
  
 settle down, please
  
 begging, begging

   the exploding need 
 
 building, building
  
 forcing her mouth closed
 forcing her body steal
 ‒as tears stream down her face
  
 begging, begging
  
 can't you see...anyone
 can't you see
I'm trying, trying...
 my grip is slipping...
  
 as she loses control‒
 her mouth yells
or her tears fall
 ‒no matter who's around
 down, down, down
she falls
  
 back to a child‒ 
innocent, broken
 just for a while
  
 'til she regains
strengthens
 to go
one more round
in life's paradigm
 where between herself
and herself
she fights
  
 hoping, hoping
  
 the next time‒ 
she'll steady the line
 ‒that too often...
 breaks her holding-together vine
  
Continue reading “‘Source’”

‘Disillusionment’

When politics blinds your truth!

A sample from Book 11

 Disillusionment  

 she stood there shaking
 what have I done‒
 causing this imagined awakening
 ‒have I forsaken
 forgive me, Lord†
ease this hating
  
 in her silence
her heart opened
 ‒a simple token
 what truly lived
in this here maiden
  
 she watched them all
 as the stones began to fall
 ‒to her knees
no longer...she felt tall
 over and over
coming at her skin‒
 little hard balls
  
 then a sudden stall
stopped...silence
 a mere moment
she recalled
  
 the dust settled
 her tightly closed eyes opened
 upon her dress‒
 tiny red splattered drops dribbled
 her pain...tiny tickles
 what...a blink before‒ 
it seemed a fable
  
 her fear lifted‒  
was this a gift
 her sins shifting
to ultimate's forgiveness
 ‒this she did not know
 but the sudden stop
 ‒she felt her heart unfold
  
 cast your stone‒ 
if clean...your bones
  
 she heard the voice
then the made choice
 as all around
stone after stone
 hit...not her
but the ground
  
 silence remained
she still knelt‒
 in blood stains
 as shifting of feet
the sudden in retreat
  
 silence...not daring
to lift her head
 then a shadow overcame the red
 a hand reached out
get up child
 a mere whisper without shout
  
 strength from Him† came
 as her legs rose
 ‒her eyes did the same
  
 His† light dried her tears
 all became so clear‒ 
her heart felt clean
 in His† eyes...she seen‒ 
truth's unending scene
 her life redeemed
it wasn't a dream
 ‒pure and serene
forever...trust in Him†
 she proclaimed
 for the Lord†...by her side
remained
Continue reading “‘Disillusionment’”

‘Straight Curves’

Putting the past behind. Hoping to find a future.

A sample from Book 11

  Straight Curves
 (Sweet Man)
  
 do you love me
words from a man
 minutes before
thinking to can
 not wanting anymore
to understand
  
 catching me off guard
 in tracks...all stop fold
 rescuing me from hard‒
that place
where lives cold
 ‒another puzzle's piece
put where it belongs
 in this rebuilding heart
  
 yes, with everything I have

 honesty
from the start
 even when denying
played its part
  
 a softening catches us
 all our past moments
put in a cup
 stirred then drank
building up
 to that silly thing
they call love
  
 the beast in warrior
the fire in cracker
 spilling their rage
 ‒a yell and shout
 to let's talk it out‒ 
what communication's about
  
 a curve
again made straight
 ‒playing our aces and eights
  
 get the fuck out‒ 
no thanks...I'll stay
  
 no, at all
meaning words in say
 in eyes
no need to sway
 that past wanting to break
in the real
out...lay
  
 patient...I'll wait‒
 no matter what others say
 you're worth it every day
 my heart's here to stay
  
 one question
smoothing tension
 God†...part of the equation
 brings a heart to attention
  
 each struggle faced
soft, gentle pace
 haters
you won't find a trace
 I'm† here
your Father's† embrace
 those curves‒ 
I'll help straight
  
 yes, a firecracker, a warrior
 forgiving yesterday's sorrows
 from no promises of tomorrow
 to questions in borrow
  
 do you love me
  
 easy and free‒ 
the I of me
 whatever comes what may‒
 Yes, I'll stay
for he, too, said
   he moves the same way
Continue reading “‘Straight Curves’”

‘My Turn, Your Turn’

You can’t take other people’s opinion of you seriously!

A sample from Book 9

 My Turn, Your Turn
(Sweet Man)
  
 I'm not you
you're not me
 in this
can we agree
  
 there's pain‒ 
I've taken it
to gain
 thinking‒ 
I'm insane
  
 me...you blamed
called me names
 ‒your smeared campaign
left me in open terrain
 running like a hurricane
 ‒remorse uncontained
 returning
provoked disdain
 batting back
in profane
my I...redirected blame
 taking, absorbing‒  
leaving me totally drained
  
 ‒all so, so in vain‒
  
 in you...pain remains
 ‒I've not gained fame
just added pain
 in me...a mixed-up pang
  
 I'm not you
you're not me
 in this
can we agree
  
 without shame‒ 
from all other's pain
abstain
 my I to reclaim‒
 separated...strained
silencing the rein
 my own thinking
regained
  
 in God†
I acclaim
 ‒all that re-directed pain
 forced anger
in defame‒ 
abolished...maimed
  
 I've released the inflame‒
 filling my own inane
 understanding self-love's domain‒
 to self first
be humane
  
 I'm not you
you're not me
 in this
can we agree
  
 your pain
is your pain
  
 no longer
in me
do I ingrain
 what's not mine
to explain
  
 I'll let you yell, complain‒
 my I...constrained
 these boundaries
can't be drained
  
 have your say
 me...you can't arraign
 my I...in God's† grace
remains
  
 I'm not you
you're not me
 in this
there's no choice
  but to agree
Continue reading “‘My Turn, Your Turn’”

‘Salvation’s Need’

To Deny Others Is To Deny God!

 Salvation's Need
  
 test after test
I have failed
 my 360
to the cross...nailed
 You† brought people to me
 in their time of weak
 ‒salvation
I failed to help them seek
  
 instead, I buried them deep
 words from my mouth
did seep
 actions
I didn't allow to creep
 in self
I curled up in weep
  
 my time has come and sailed
 out of all of it
I tend to bail
 turning my back
not wanting to see
 how another's picture
on them...creeps
 I just give up and flee
  
 whatever awakens
this ignorance of me
 strip it
take it from me
 strengthen me
help me to see
 keep me from feeling sorry
lost in self pity
  
 Lord†, this part of me
 that lived unselfishly
 I lost
please return it to me
 without this lumpy throat
from way down deep
 without fears and anxiety
 help me open my mouth
speak
 in words of calm
humility, peace
without selfish
insecurities
Continue reading “‘Salvation’s Need’”

‘Jealousy’s Observation’

Is Jealousy Controlling You?

 Jealousy's Observation
  
 it grips you down
to your very soul
 ‒this thing called jealousy
 it shows you
what's in fantasy
 leaving you
bitter and cold
  
 its words and suggestions
carelessly sold
 ripping the heart apart‒
all its solidity and tranquility
 leaving you‒
feeling stripped and clammy
 digging in deep
‒a body in hold
  
 its lasting contribution
its actions in bold
 making you do things‒
out of your personality
 testing
every bit of your sanity
 ‒evil's little
thought-provoking troll
  
 it destroys everything‒
in the know
 leaving in its wake‒
anger and atrocity
 leaving the heart weakened‒
 as evil encages
its vulnerability
 ‒awakening everything
in corrode
  
  
Continue reading “‘Jealousy’s Observation’”

‘Yelled Sarcasm’

5 Ways to Heal ‘Self’ from Abuse and Trauma

 Yelled Sarcasm
  
 speaking out of turn
 oh! how this heart burns
  
 this once gentle character
stripped
 each time a tone of voice
tips
  
 gone the plow
that once endured
 for this ache!
there is no cure
  
 once betrayed
bitterness lays
 honesty...only the heart craves
  
 that forever solid pace
yearned
 ‒left with only discern
  
 out the heart‒
emotions...flipped
 drops of dimes‒
where truth is clipped
  
 all smells like week-old manure
 ‒nothing left that's pure
  
 seconds, minutes, hours‒
turn to days
 as what was‒
gets lost in a bitter haze
Continue reading “‘Yelled Sarcasm’”