A sample from Book 5
The Experience
I'm your past
I'm what
didn't last
I'm what
could
never last
I'm the passing blast
to move through
really fast
with the quickness
of a kisser's dash
I'm the wine glass
wearing a mask
making
my on-stop splash
I'm your past
leaving you
in a gasp
easily slipping
from your grasp
in your mind
thoughts are cast
in my heart
the debris
of a failed lover's task
(May 20, 2013)—[‘The Experience’ was written April 27, 2012.] During the healing process, you go through this phase I titled ‘The Experience.’You want to feel then you don’t. You want to be wanted, then you don’t. It’s a mixture of emotions that kicks in through the survival part of grief.
You want…no, you need to be touched. You need proof that you are still alive somewhere in there. Those feelings are false feelings. Some get them mixed up with love, romance. They are not. This is the part of the stages of grief that is considered the masking stage. It’s a fooling stage. During this stage, you actually deny everything you feel that is actually real. You want the pleasures, the erotic…you don’t want the hurt, the tears, the pain.
Looking back at my own masking stage, I see how easy it was to covet. I was the thinnest I had been in years. I felt the freer. Except, I was out of character. I had anger, fits of depression, bitterness, rage…all mixed together and then put aside for any pleasure I could find. I was in denial.
At the time, I begged God to let me keep this me I was experiencing. I liked her. She had all this energy. She had no fear. She was going to beat this thing no matter what. The only problem was, she also incorporated the other part of me I didn’t want. The hurting me. The broken me.
It’s almost like God was saying to me: I give you this free you so you can survive. Then I’m going to take the spirit away for a while so you can then rebuild yourself with a solid me.At the time, I argued with Him, begged Him not to take this free me away. I experienced so much freedom that I almost felt like a man if that makes any sense. I could love without emotion. That’s the biggest part I wanted to keep.
Now, almost a year later, I put on some weight, life is slower, and I don’t want the romance or the pleasures. It’s almost like I’m empty. I want to seek a group to pray with. I don’t want to be touched. And none of this is my intentions. I guess because I’m pass the masking stage, and going towards the bargaining stage, God is saying: Okay, now it’s time to use only you to rebuild your ‘me’. You don’t get anyone else to move you forward. Now, it’s time to do it for you.
I didn’t expect this. No one told me about this part of the healing. It’s a strange place. I know one thing for sure: My clothes are all size 8 and I’m broke! I have no bike, no hot tub to use daily, and no Adrenal for strength, concentration. But something amazing is happening all the same. He is giving me the things I truly need to move forward one step at a time.
I found some It Works Greens that has been in this apartment since I got here and forgot about, and last night I got a call from a cousin who has a bottle of It Works Relief for me! [2016 Note: It Works products are all-natural and can be found on the Internet.] That’s something. So, now I have to totally stand on my own two feet. A year ago, I wouldn’t have imagined, if you screamed it in my head, that I would be here, in this place.
I was told I’d be here, but I just couldn’t possibly comprehend it. I don’t want to feel empty. I really like the free me but if this is how it is supposed to be for me to really be free, then bring it. I put all my trust in God. His path is my path. So, if you are where I used to be, hang in there. Don’t mistaken lust for love. That is really easy to do. Use the lust to move you forward. Use it to survive, but do not believe in it or put too much into it.
Love the skin you’re in. You are worth it.
Paperback: Anger’s Deflected Course: The Emotional Turmoil—from Silent to Physical to Silent Abuse Book 5
Kindle: Anger’s Deflected Course: The Emotional Turmoil—from Silent to Physical to Silent Abuse Book 5
Share this:
