‘Laughing Smile’

A sample from Book 9

 Laughing Smile
  
 it took her a while
 breaking open that smile–
 gaining the strongest need
 laugh...laugh like a child
  
 she didn't need to ask how–
 she lifted her heart to God†
 walked long, long miles
for that laughing smile
  
 she sealed it...inside
 bringing it out
when gone was her doubt
  
 no, she didn't have to shout
 she learned to keep her head
in the clouds
 forgetting
what frowns were about
 –just laugh...yes she did
out loud
  
 she had it down-pat
that girly laugh
 –adding a bit of sass
you do the math–
 she intended for it to last
 not caring
where she was at
 at anyone
came that laughing sass– 
 smiling so big
walking
shaking her ass
  
 she knew that surety
 came straight
from the Lord†
 she didn't have to ask
what for
 she just knew
she was worthy
  
 then this thunder came
bringing her to lame
 her truthfulness
remaining the same
 fighting off
anger's vengeful flame
 as her world
tipped its bowl
a once.again fold–
 that place
she promised herself
she wouldn't go
  
 she didn't choose the fold
 it just slide
in to corrode
 sinking its stronghold–  
not letting go
  
 burying
in an inside rage
 she...again
locked herself in a cage
  
 patiently she began to wait
 living a bit sedate
 wondering...why so late
that smile on her face
  
 then there it was...gleaming
 like in a summer's dream
 waiting there
to be redeemed
  
 she didn't think twice
 remembering how it felt
so real, so right
 she didn't really fight
 she just walked
the way of the light
  
 its uncertainty remains–
 her holding onto it
a bit of a strain
 struggling through the rain
 that comes with pain
  
 it did take her a while
 breaking open that smile–
 regaining that need
 to laugh
laugh like a child
  
 the first time
the second time
 she didn't need to ask how
 so she did again– 
lift her heart to God†
 taking on long, long miles
 –for it's always worth the wait
 for that laughing smile

(June 11, 2016)—In Joyce Meyer’s The Mind Connection, she writes—As you walk with God, you can always begin again. It is never too late for a fresh start. Your history does not have to be your destiny!

When my daughter decided to change her course from Louisiana to Denver back in July of last year, I flipped. She was my shoulder, my rock and suddenly there I was with the reality of truly being alone. I didn’t want to be alone.

There were so many things that happened that summer going into August that I wasn’t really prepared to handle it all at once, so, I ran. I ran as quickly as I could without any type of plan or course. I just packed my shit up and left. It’s easy to do that you know. Disappear. Sometimes, it even feels better to do so. For me, it wasn’t. I headed down a road of pure reality staring me in the face. It was brutal. It hurt. From August until April, it kept on coming and a lot of it I met with force. I wrote about all of this over and over. I also wrote about my understanding of it.

When you are on the right path, when all your ducks are in order and you are in line with your own destiny…that one God puts out there…that evil whore will fuck you up in every way it can! I’ve shed a lot of tears since August of last year. Before that, I had my happy. That took a long, hard road to regain. It was really nice to feel that peace. Then when it is taken, you don’t stop to feel the inside you of you. You just experience the surface of everyone else’s actions against you.

The entire time during this period, I would forget to do the most important thing when strife enters my world: Pray. I would get so caught up in what other people were doing that my deepest praying side would just vanish. I would regain ground and then it would happen again.

It took me a while to understand this cycle that has been happening. That evil whore is at play seriously here. I’ve written about how it likes to use anything and everything to stop or halt our path. For me, damn does it like to play its little games.

Sometimes, you just have to stop everything and reexamine the journey. Everything happens for a reason…Everything! And just because other people are unhappy with their lives doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy, too. I’m willing to give and take for just about anyone but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop/halt the journey God set me on. This is where ‘Laughing Smile’ comes from this early hour of 3 in the a.m.

I have let so many things get to me since last August that should have not gotten to me. You can’t help other people screwing up or changing their minds about things. I, above so many, should know this by now. Hell, in today’s world, the lack of morals in people should dictate this rule with bold, capital letters. It’s like that damn evil whore has its paws in everything, everywhere and you’re running from it with stakes in the form of crosses hissing at it! This shit gets a bit tiring.

I was typing in copy from 2003 through 2005 before ‘Laughing Smile’ came to mind. When I typed in the last piece of copy for 2005, I could have just stood up and kicked myself in the ass. That’s right. I wrote then exactly how I feel right now. The key to all of this strife is ignorance.

How tired am I of ignorance! To just sit back and laugh at the stupidity of some is just overwhelming right now because all of this has been affecting my health. I didn’t realize how much until tonight when I was awoken and I had trouble catching my breath. My chest felt like it was caving in, my finger tips were numb, and my head felt heavy. Really heavy. For a while I didn’t really understand what was happening. I’ve had the chest thing happen before but never the lost of breath so much that I started coughing up all this mucus and my throat felt on fire. I’m so tired but my head is pounding and that has made me fearful of going to sleep.

Why did this happen? Well, only a doctor can tell me for sure but I do know that I’m not disabled for nothing. Having a nerve disorder affects so many things and with all this nonsense plaguing me for so long and ME allowing it, it, I guess, had had enough.

It’s sort of the same deal when the darkness hit me. I had to run then, too. Letting others steal our happy is the worse thing to do. There are so many evil people out there and when you do something like I do, put yourself out to the public, you open doors for this evil. For me, this is not so good of a thing. My initial thoughts are I’d like to take all of these people who have caused me strife and wring their necks. They so deserve it. But then logic comes into play. I don’t think the law would appreciate that very much. So, what else is there to do? The next best thing: Give it to God.

And I did. I opened Meyer’s book up and the Bible. Psalm 91:

‘…Because he loves me,’ says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.

That’s all I need to know. As I’m reading this, my face feels like it’s being pulled in all kinds of directions and my knees shake. I read it again and my heart settled down. I’m not responsible for other people’s crap. They want to be ignorant…let them be ignorant. They have to answer to God in the end, not me. Why should I care? And that’s true. The ignorant will just keep going in circles never truly reaching their potential. It’s just a waste of time to even try to understand their need to stay ignorant.Our individual happy is the most important. Without that, we have nothing.

Meyer writes:

I always encourage people to look at how far they have come instead of how far they have to go. The devil wants us to focus on our failures, but God wants us to focus on our successes.

God doesn’t breed argument. Man does that. God doesn’t breed anger. Man does that. God doesn’t breed hate or envy or jealousy or abuse or ridicule or greed. Only man does that.God wants us to be happy. He wants us to smile like a child. It’s easy to forget this when so much is coming at you and you don’t know what to believe, what is true, what is fake. Stepping back for a while, gives us a bit of space to see the wrinkles that that evil whore is putting in our way. Fuck that shit.

My son told me tonight to not be so nice. I replied that I don’t know how. That response might seem odd to some who have read me from the beginning of this journey but it’s true. Being nice got me into this freaking journey in the first place. Joyce Meyer says this, too, in a round-about way. My mother said this to me as well.

It is hard to not be nice when others are just plain evil. But we are all supposed to think and act like Jesus. With all the crap going on in the world today, that is getting harder and harder to do.I want simple. A life without betrayal and lies. A life without people saying it’s their way or no way. A life where ignorance is overpowered by honest, intelligent conversation and thought. A life absent of hate, envy, jealousy, greed, and abuse. That’s not much to ask. Is it? Just wondering….

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