”Secret’ No More!’

Their Play Is All the Same!

A sample from Book 9

 'Secret' No More!
 
the cat's out the bag
 
on the surface‒
I no longer scratch
‒don't want to sound
like a hag
not even a nag
but I'm done
playing this little game
of tag
 
I no longer want
the jab‒
that sneaky, sly syntax
keeping me in a corner
my existence entrapped
secrets over nightcaps
 
for so long
at it
I merely laughed
playing along‒
this hidden
out-of-sight craft
 
for so long
I fell into its path
to feel barely half
of a lover's swag
 
not any more
do these eyes sag
I now see
the repeated red flags
 
here they are‒
if you want to keep track
here they are‒
if your eyes
are stuck in lack:
 
away from public view‒
begins
the slow, gentle snatch
 
text this, text that

a hi here
a hey there
even the wyd flair
 
then the ignore
playing-with-the-mind anthrax's
added-on little snap
 
maybe a phone call or two‒
avoiding a bit of snag
 
(the now understood common trap)
 
oh! how texting does that
 
‒just a tiny dab
the get-what-they-want hatch
 
turning texting to sexting
in a flash
 
then sit back...relax
as she falls in the trap
her mind...now attacked
with a little zap‒
man-ego-driven
mind-boggling witchcraft
sealed and wrapped‒
one-sided—playing-out wrath
 
sexting‒
the perfect-controlling telegraph
 
then comes
the moving-on slow raft
to get that big splash
‒adding to their stash
images behind
a monitored glass
 
a little skin
in flash
with some sexy sass
 
the building in pizzazz
wanting more
of that flabbergast
 
building, building
téte-a-téte
 
then veiled in a masque‒
when questions invade
the on-and-off going chitchat‒
 
a quickened spat
back to the ignoring splat‒
ego...alive and well
in combat
 
'til comes that final blast
flesh to unmask
an act in diplomat
making her feel all that‒
the sexy little kitty cat
 
‒the play in chat
becomes
an in-the-flesh transact
 
good or bad‒
putting her in abstract
continued words on a pad‒
her mind to distract
rather hijacked
from their away-from-her
reality fact‒
 
she's not the only lass‒
their on-going sexting hack
blatant ways in acrobat‒
that and this
this and that
 
'til her avoided questions
forces a react‒
 
why not spend time with me
why the constant disappearing act

 
she innocently asks
wanting beyond
the sexual wrap‒
wanting out of secret's
hidden tap
 
the continued avoiding lap
puts her mind
in wondering's rasp
 
all-stop...hold
goes the lit glass‒
with no returned téte-a-téte
or to-the-door dash
or a together attach
nor explanations to patch
or synchronizing photographs
not even a social-media match
 
her mind opens up‒
I've seen all that
recognizing perfectly
the plotted graph
 
experience, experience
the exact-patterned zigzag
she's once again caught
knowings in fact‒
 
their intentions
won't go
any further than that
 
for her unanswered questions
suspicions‒
her experiences in reasoning
reality's opened-up rap‒
 
she's just one of many cats
in their secret's rattrap
 
‒with all these red flags
no need for a polygraph
I don't even need an ax
or a wiretap
not even some mindless booby-trap
 
just a sentence or two‒
seeing through the claptrap
then sit back
watch the unwrap‒
 
innocence offers a laugh
 
let's fix this hash
to you...I want to holdfast
let's have a blast
out in the open

'let's make our splash
 
guilt opens up the wrath
 
a shutting-down fast
placing-blame lash
social-media delete
the final smash‒
the secret
given the shaft
 
no longer do I fly half-mast
no longer am I the secret
in stash
 
yes, the red flags
seen in perfect format
 
I'm no spoiled brat
not even
lost in over-react
 
this kitty cat
just knows where it's at
 
I'm more than just a paragraph‒
a secret in scraps
 
I'm all or nothing
an out-in-the-open en masse
willing to adapt
with another walking
the same path

(January 25, 2016)—Though the poem is a red-flag message for woman, this commentary is pretty much written for men. Yes, I do think of the good men who are out there. I do know you are out there, and…there are good women out there who aren’t as loud as I am…I assure you!

Seeing a picture of Marie Laveau’s grave with my daughter’s comment ‘Another Man Done Gone’ gave me a laugh. Awesome, and fitting!

I had a visit with Ms. Judy, my therapist, today. We usually meet for only an hour. Two and a half hours today! A lot of our discussion was on how I’ve learned to not allow anyone to play games with my mind, and how I’ve learned, truly, what a narcissist does to a person. You can’t rush healing from this sort of thing. It comes with time, patience, and plenty more mistakes. Yes, you keep making them until you evolve, which is a bit slow at the beginning, but it does seem to move along quicker as time moves on.

After my darkness, I haven’t had any normal relationships. I guess, I’m still treading water as a newbie in this dating world because I’m just starting into my third year after my divorce, but I’ve learned quite a lot of things. One of those very important lessons is discussed in ‘Secret No More!’

Back in high school, the boyfriend didn’t take me around his friends from his high school. At restaurants, we always sat away from all of them, never stayed at dances, and even meeting up with his friends at festivals, he would, actually, stand in front of me, so they wouldn’t see me.

About 5 years into my marriage, I felt as if I became the secret again. I was no longer taken out on dates, or to people’s houses, even company family functions stopped. About two years in, the going dancing completely stopped. (One of my favorite things to do.) Since I’ve been on my own, I’ve continued to be the secret. In all the semi-relationships I was in, there was zero society involved. Meaning: No one knew about them from the guy’s point of view, just mine. So, when it did end, it pretty much felt like the relationship never, actually, happened.

Lesson learned.It’s not healthy if a guy just wants to talk in text. It’s not healthy if they don’t want to spend actual time with you. It’s not healthy if they avoid calling you on the phone. It’s not healthy if they ignore you. It’s just not healthy.

Trust is a hard thing to regain after abuse. For me, I’m holding out. To me, if a guy feels as if I’m pushing him away, it’s because he wants to go anyway. It’s that simple. They never intended to stay in the first place.

After abuse, a woman gets to the point of not wanting to just settle. An independent woman, especially, because she doesn’t have to settle for just anyone. It doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter what your status is. It doesn’t matter if you have money in the bank. She’s not going to settle. She will get rid of you faster than you can blink your eye if you do something that even gives a hint of control without you giving her something really good to hold on to. If you don’t, sorry, she butters her own bread. She doesn’t need you. She’ll turn into a Marie Laveau in a heart beat.

You have to make a woman like this want you. It’s that simple. A smart, independent woman who’s survived abuse doesn’t want your money. She wants your attention. She wants to feel like a woman. She wants you to make her feel that way, and…she wants it out loud!

Pay attention: You want a really, really good woman? The independent, smart woman who went through hell and survived…yeah, she’s the one. You might have to shuffle through a few triggers, but, as I’ve talked with many men who went the distance, said to me, it was worth it 100 times over. Just saying…love the skin you’re in.

Get Your Copy Today!

Paperback: The Metamorphosis of Self—A Delicate Walk…Fighting to Separate Anger and Codependency from Self Book 9

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Author: k. e. leger

I'm a writer.

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