‘Wasted Not’

A sample from Book 8

 Wasted Not
  
 you look at me
what do you see‒
 an empty hole
 or pieces
put back to whole
  
 you hear my voice
what's your choice‒
 to fold
let truth unfold
 or close
grow lower and cold
  
 here's what I see
 when I look back at me:
  
 a woman lived
gave all she could give
 then betrayed
 left to be reborn
on an empty tray
  
 when I hear my voice
 ‒read my words
only truth heard
 shaking within
 ‒forsaken
for granted...taken
  
 all that I've done
all that I've become
 grew from life lived
 around lies
I survived
 around hate
I lived another day
  
 I have made mistakes
I've learned
 no longer living fake
 as the world turns
as time ticks on‒
 leaving me alone
 no longer burns
for life I yearn‒
 no longer anger's will
I'm concerned
  
 I am wasted not
for my trust in God†
 untied all the knots
 ready
shaking
nerves quaking
 to give a new year
all I've got
  
 look at me
hear me
  
 turn your head
for I am not dead
  
 alive
  
 with or without you
 I'm living this one life‒
 shadowing all fears‒
my own way
 without one word
for you to say
 halt...stay
too late
you've paved my way
  
 yes, shaking
but open and ready
 for a brand new day

(January 13, 2015)—This was the first of two pieces [I only posted ‘Wasted Not’ here.] I wrote 2015 New Year’s Day. It’s been quite a ride. No, I’m sure I’m not done with the healing. Towards the end of 2014, I’ve seen many things and heard many things that have made my toes curl, but I’ve noticed one particular thing about the woman in me: I’m done.

It came that simple. I’m done with whatever it was that put a veal over my face for nearly 20 years. It took me a bit by surprise. Even my therapist was surprised. Wow she said with a look I hadn’t seen on her face before, which confirmed my own surprise.

My future daughter-in-law said: I’m so proud of you.After seeing how I handled a particular moment of my past I’ve been putting off for several years now. That made me feel really good. Yes, I’m done. I entered 2015 with a bang. I entered my new age of 46 with an even bigger bang.

God’s rewards are truly not in the form of money. No. It’s in the form of peace. I still have moments of unsettledness. I still have moments when tears fall, but these moments are different. Even though the past comes up, it’s not the past at all, but just the simple uneven makeup of being what God intended for me: That of being a woman.

I know this year won’t be all peaches and creams. I know I will face some unsureties. I know I will encounter evil and will have to stand and fight, but my me has resurfaced: The person I used to be. The lady in me. I lost her there for a while; almost feeling that of a child.

It’s really nice to regain the control us southern women usually have. At one time, I didn’t think it was possible again. That’s when I was lost in the darkness and couldn’t even see even a tiniest hole in that dreadful dark tunnel.The dead horse is rocked no more. That’s so easy to say. My broken has been reborn!

My only concern these days are my children. I guess that’s a given being that I’m a mother and all. We mothers love deep. We can’t help it. We hurt for them, those we bring into this world. I know now, that part of me will never die, but I have learned to step aside, to give them the power of choice. It’s not easy. A mother wants to protect. We can’t help that. God made our hearts that way.

For me, He’s opened my eyes again to love and He’s shown me that my children have the right to walk through love, fight for love, feel love their way. I pray for them. I pray that my darkness has shown them the way not to go and to stand up, talk it out, and be there for the ones they choose to love.

So far, my prayers are being answered and that is the one thing a mother can smile about. Stepping aside is sometimes, a very good thing. Patience…a very important lesson to have learned. For me, as I watch my children blossom, I’m watching myself blossom, too.

As ‘Wasted Not’ says, the lessons I’ve learned in my past have built me into who I am today: Stronger. The one thing I feared the most did not take place: I didn’t lose my emotional boundaries of heart. I have grown harder, but not in the way I expected. No. This is different. I believe the older generations call this wisdom.

I can offer my advice, but I can’t push it. I can encourage without breaking hearts. I can be proud without pushing my own experiences on others. What a wonderful thing wisdom is. I can now open myself up to possibilities that I never dreamed possible without anyone demeaning me or telling me I can’t do it. I now know I have the will that says I can.

If you or someone you know is walking that dark journey, help them along, but don’t push them. Their struggles are hard enough. Be there for them, but don’t over-crowd them. They will make it. Help them pray. Don’t let them forget God is always watching, is always listening. Those who have hurt them, eventually get paid back for the pain they have caused.

Those hurting don’t have to do a thing. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. It’s not easy to sit back and just hold, as the term is used on the battle field, but, as time has shown me, it pays off. Hold and take care of self…the most important thing to do to walk out of the darkness unscathed by evil. Hold and God will walk you to the light. It doesn’t seem possible when evil is all around, when anger and hatred is drowning you, but hold, the light is coming. Love the skin you’re in, be true to you.

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