‘Shouldering Damage’

You deal and accept the physical damage caused by narcissism’s carelessness

 
Shouldering Damage
 
upon her shoulders
carries the weight–
shouldering damage
from those who couldn't stay
–a go-getter
they couldn't take
she...never wanting‒
any kinda hate
‒that was never
her intended fate
‒she let love lead the way
ending in heavy price's
to pay
 
only in moments
she lived in sedate
all them medical doctors
had to medicate
she just needed room‒
a bit of space
to grasp the idea
of her body ache
never using it as an escape
‒it hurt...and she was its bait
 
she knows she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–but others led her to fall
not caring the damage at all
 
upon her shoulders‒
she wears the cape
an anti-depressant to mask
a different kinda ache
–emotional chains
she couldn't tolerate
a burning heart
left in saturate
mixed with anger
lust and hate
screaming
without intentional berate
from love
that just couldn't stay
 
then again‒
she let love be her mate
a heart damaged‒
in too many ways
–again...a turn in obliterate
a brain burned in uncultivate
all that damage‒
on her shoulders
in blissful weight
men who couldn't bear
the cape
of her physical‒
being in waste
 
she knows she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–but others led her to fall
not caring the damage at all
 
she now wears‒
a suit of armor
from love's mate
as the heavy scars from fake–
I can't stay
you...I could only tolerate
builds her face
straight to a destiny's fate–
the writer in massive create
 
she...to never deny God
in whatever she faced
so she shoulders damage
left behind–
by carelessness
and self hate
building her rose‒
from a destroyer's
intentional state
 
she knows‒
she gave it all
she wasn't some pity rage doll–
standing somewhere in stall
she answered a simple call
–others led her to fall
not caring
the damage at all
 
oh! how
she can stand tall–
she picked herself up
from the fall
using the rest of her life
in God's hall
lost to true love's
missed call
she knows‒
she gave it her all
–it was not her
that caused
the fall!

(April 24, 21019)—I was sent to a heart specialist today. Although I’m 50, I’m always the youngest in the room when it comes to things like this. (I started saying this phrase back in 2013 when I returned to the VA. I was always the youngest in the room back then.) So, I’m sitting there going through Scriptures, keeping my mind occupied. I didn’t want to think about why I was there. Then I got called to the back. A slew of tests were ordered, including a monitor, which I’ll have to wear for a week.

Continue reading “‘Shouldering Damage’”

‘Hidden Treasure’

Discovering the hidden treasure in yourself!

 Hidden Treasure
 
I found it
in the mince of broken
it was afraid and hidden
an abundantly harvested token
‒over used and forsaken
 
I took it in
without fear's notion
‒not even feeling a demotion
I bathed
in its scented potion
rolled around
in its storied creation
 
I overlooked‒
its wicked formation
for I saw‒
a different translation
‒one that needed
a believer's gratification
one with a heart-filled formulation
 
I listened
to its every beckon
sometimes, in stages of drunken
 
all around...deemed it poison
something to be shackled‒
in a far-away prison
 
I threw out‒
traditionalized opinions
nothing stuck‒
rotten or forbidden
its scent just heightened
‒nothing could be wrong
or mistaken
 
I moved like lightening
intentional burns‒
gone...forgotten
‒days passing slow, steadfast‒
good ridden!
I drove it‒
to an endless vacation
‒whatever conviction
out...came my eviction
 
I smiled as I saw its rising
all my stops...fully opened
pulling it out of hopeless‒
with my inner-most motivation
‒a darkened star had risen!
 
I fought everything
in grand petition
every inside concentration‒
I put aside
rose to the occasion
‒with the fierceness of driven
this hidden treasure
overcoming every treason
to become the lamination
of a new generation!
 
stop!....
 
reveal
came its different ideas written
all avenues taken‒
off records...stricken
–beating all those defeating‒
overcoming...petitions
a losing validation!
 
I lost to its mention
‒there...in its private station
came to life‒
its own treasure hidden
in all its careful motions‒
belts and strings
forcefully tightened
 
I craved to be enlightened
–nothing valued...given
anything to elevate my vision
halted in moments of frighten
 
I fought constant bent roads‒
tried to straighten
tried to remember each lesson
through all that glistened‒
it had its own secrets woven
‒knowledge in listen
mixing up pointless decisions
taking all the forgivens
icing them‒
in the forever of frozen
 
yes, I found it
in the mince of broken
it was afraid and hidden
an abundantly harvested token
‒over used and forsaken
 
but all the good of will‒
off...steadily shakened
breathing‒
living a horrid token
in anger's hidden conviction
‒all that's been stolen‒
on others
its constant reliving
 
it found its way‒
in rebuilding
using knowledge given
slashing‒
all help's salutations
keeping to itself‒
a stolen formulation
‒to avoid sharing‒
treasures hidden
as I sit
in lost wanderings–
moments
I took it
out of forsaken
Continue reading “‘Hidden Treasure’”

‘Anger’s Infest’

Anger wants you steadfast! God wants you moving forward!

 Anger's Infest
 
feel it beneath your skin
evil's way of getting within
actions in horror's den
‒ways of evil's perfect sin
 
it'll trap you in cussing
it'll condemn you in swearing
pulling at you...probing
wanting your reaction
for it's only satisfaction
 
it'll take all
of your triggering notions
you...down...dragging
as it smiles
in sadistic laughing
craving your giving in
your fight...it's welcoming
celebrating
your mind's condemn
 
anger...evil's infested gem
words, actions
its consistency in playing
wanting you
self to defend
so it can celebrate
in its win
 
feel it beneath your skin
evil's way of getting within
actions in horror's den
‒ways of evil's perfect sin
Continue reading “‘Anger’s Infest’”

‘You Bitch!’

Simple Ways for You to Defeat Negative Self Talk

A sample from Book 12

 You Bitch!
 
I've got an itch
‒pouring through my mind
a well-dug ditch
screaming words in myth
to the highest pitch
forcing me down a darkened pit
‒a text-blasting trip
becoming an accusing witch
out to smash an invisible zit
 
every word on my lips
disguised in angry fits
passing along this typed niche
thinking it's hip
making itself rich
‒taking advantage of my slip
 
you evil bitch!
I'm gonna smash you to bits
I'm so tired of your shit
in the bud...I'm gonna nip
not for a moment anymore
forever...your throat
I'm gonna slit

over the top
I'm gonna flip
dunk you
down below...permanently dip
 
no more...you get wit
over the head‒
you...I'm gonna hit
no more playful glitches
in God†...get a good whiff
of wine I'm gonna sip
sit back‒
finally be done
with your controlling, irrational blip
up goes my middle finger‒
see the tip
up yours!
you piece of shit!

(October 16, 2018)—Are you mad at me for cussing? Get over yourself. This is a commentary that screams—It’s time for some cussing!

I’m going to give you some good information here if you suffer from depression, anger, negative self-talk to help you start turning things around in your life. Don’t worry. I’m taking this same journey, so let’s ride!

I’m doing two workshops at one time. The one on anger which I wrote a few posts about this past week and a happiness workshop. I’m also reading a second workbook titled Pathways to Recovery, A Strengths Recovery Self-Help Workbook by Priscilla Ridgway, Diane McDiarmid, Lori Davidson, Julie Bayes, and Sarah Ratzlaff.

Continue reading “‘You Bitch!’”

‘Knife’

Surviving the Knife of Those Who Betray You!

A sample from Book 12

(April 21, 2018)—That knife becomes weaker when we gain the support of others, when we start to see the true meaning behind our life. That knife doesn’t come out that easy especially when you see everyone’s true disclosure.

There’s so much to say, then there’s nothing to say. I have this much on my mind: If they don’t want to see you, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, they won’t see you.

I’ve said a lot here on Facebook. I revealed a lot…but there’s a lot I haven’t revealed. So you only get a piece of the puzzle…never the whole picture. Why? Because I do have a life and part of that life is private as for everyone else. There’s a lot of pain I cover up…and, yes, there is still pain. There will always be pain because an entire portion of my life has been wiped out…and not by choice.

I tried calling my daughter. It appears that she’s changed her number. I think that odd because the words I last typed her in text were answers to words she said to me, but I’m held totally accountable. Why? Oh, because I’m 49 years old and should know better. I’m the mom…but that doesn’t come into affect when I’m called by my name instead of Mom. Just saying….

 Knife
 
it was put in there‒
nice and tight
when I move around
to the left, to the right
it reveals its price
‒how it changed my life
the strength it took‒
robbing my mind
the way it makes me wanna fight
even if it isn't right
even if I said...say...things impolite
I was...am...gonna fight
‒even while speaking of the light
 
at times, I feel like a poltergeist
a faded memory...sliced and diced
forgotten the way I was
forever entombed in what I've become
not a homicide
‒a genocide of all that was nice
womanly, motherly...dignified
downgraded to a parasite
‒not fit for normal's life
 
should I be lost in contrite
bowed down in pity...outright
or was I absolutely right
turning childlike
begging for help‒
from Jesus Christ†
 
who has the right to decide‒
I'm the sacrifice
in order for them‒
to have their paradise
 
who had the right‒
shift truth to lies
bury this knife
in what used to be‒
a mother, sister, daughter, wife
 
in me...it so mystifies
how everyone becomes tongue-tied
when abuse is in transcribe
‒the victim screams in alive
how extreme...me...it mortifies
that, no matter which way‒
death...comes in die
twist, twist, twist the knife
gone daughter, sister, mother, wife
 
rebuilding exemplified
the alibis become jives
words in wisdom...just implied
while words...wombs...rob the mind
memories of building the first life‒
took one times forty-five
 
pull, pull, pull out the knife
time in modify
is there another forty-five
my, my, my how it mystifies
what comes of‒
pulling out the knife
Continue reading “‘Knife’”

‘Knowing is Living’

Don’t be afraid to follow your heart!

A sample from Book 7

 Knowing is Living
 
if you're stuck
at a place
know
there's reason
for your stay
 
the longer you wait
‒longer you'll suffocate
look deep in your face
beyond flesh and bone‒
beyond memories you chase
beyond hurt
you want to erase
beyond a past
that did not last
 
deeper you must go
for life
again
to flow
 
it's no one's race
but your own
 
when you're at
a constant steadfast
there's something
way down deep
you must surpass
something to grasp
‒learn
so a future
you can earn
 
stop complaining
living in emptiness
look at self
get off the damn shelf
you again
build
all else
seal
 
beyond face
look deeper
reveal your hidden secret
bloom
open your eyes
see
your new life is ready
waiting‒
‒a steady, slow pace
for you to take
nothing's at stake
but self
your inside wealth
listen...hear
for you've already earned
what in your heart
burns
your fruits‒
it's all up to you
Continue reading “‘Knowing is Living’”

‘Veiling of Truth’

Speak Your Truth or Live in Captivity!

A sample from Book 7

 Veiling of Truth
 
we start off life
slow–
like a snail
 
taking each moment
as it comes
giving ourselves
time to breathe
 
inhale
exhale
 
we're young...vibrant
over anything
we're champions
we have mentors
–someone always there
 
pushing us
tormenting us
encouraging us
criticizing us
 
it doesn't matter–
we feel invincible
–strength
in our youthful hearts
gives us one desire
over anything
we can prevail
 
so we take chances
we jump fences
crawl through tunnels
see life
as a simple funnel
 
when we're derailed
we take a moment–
wail
giving ourselves
time to breathe
 
inhale
exhale
 
we get back on the rail
sail
 
then life tips the scale
–half-way point
where all just stops
we're pushed over the top
 
we try to sail
to no avail
we start to see
–the slow coveting veil
the part of us
for others we curtailed
 
bit by bit–
small pieces of our being
we willingly retailed
leaving us
feeling alone and stale
 
it's at that moment
no longer wanting
to feel frail
wanting instead
again to breathe
 
inhale
exhale
 
taking from our legs
our tucked-in tail
revealing...opening
this perfectly placed veil
 
it's at that moment
we explode
our outpouring gale
see me, hear me
I'm not for sale
 
opening our truth
putting ourselves
in plain view
screaming out loud
this is what I'm about
 
it's at that moment
when life tips its scale
all is unveiled
we see every detail
 
who impaled
who drove the nail
 
ourselves
 
we chose to lower the veil
we signed our own
bill of sale
 
it's at that moment
–tipping the scale
our truth
to unveil
get back on the rail
over our own injustice
prevail
Continue reading “‘Veiling of Truth’”

‘Unshattering’

‘Unshatter’ Who Others Want You To Be!

A sample from Book 9

 Unshattering
 
don't look at me
–your indifference
don't say you know me
–a casual acquaintance
don't try to control me
–words are just cadence
don't think you have me
–trivial acceptance
 
all things of me–
–piece after piece
glued, sewn, stapled...rebuilt
whatever it took–
rekindled this book
 
take a good, hard look–
whatever I could
not caring...if I should
nor daring...if I would
 
it's all just burned wood
reasons understood–
renewing me
back to peace
–a whole lot of free
this place
I can just be
 
don't come at me
thinking
you'll change me
 
this unshattering of me
took time, deeds
please, please, please
of others' reprieve
–to undo
the beating of me
 
secrets aren't hidden from me
through your swirling sea
clearly I see
–it's so easy
to flee
without missing
one beat
 
go on...see
in a breeze
I'll swerve
I know what I deserve
 
no longer...this me
covered in ego's dirt
no, no...I'm in free
I'll easily flirt
test the waters
–even in the deepest of curves
avoid pride's careless surf
'cause I can, you see
 
no longer...this heart beat
buried in condition's thirst
me...you cannot convert
aware, I am
this value in worth
the whole of me–
 
a choosing little tweet
–accept me
–go on
the street...beat
 
in choice...I'm free
no longer sufferings in need‒
living carefree
in wanting desires of please
–the truth of me
who I'm meant to be
Continue reading “‘Unshattering’”

‘Floating in Air’

Stress-Free Zone Ahead!

A sample from Book 8

 Floating in Air
 
I came around
to see change
shortening the range‒
just to see
all's the same
 
so I float
in this air
here and there
hoping for flair‒
hearts open
gentle love's token
but all's still broken
‒all's still forsaken
eyes still closed
minds sealed‒
that forever
round and round wheel
 
so I'll reside here
just for a while
give a little time
then off I'll fly
forget
all this here try
fully learning
no one can rearrange
what's lost
in derange
what refuses
to grow
stay stuck
in naysayer's flow
 
so here
I'll just float in air
give a chance
a second
a third
then off
I'll go
 
hit the road
seek places
where real love
flows
without needing
chances to prove
out right show‒
I won't just be there
flowing freely in airs
desiring to share
‒easy will come
care
 
yes, somewhere
out there
lies a place
one face
overshadows
two-faced
where real
the only deal
‒truth
over comes fool
this place
I'll feel the overwhelming
need
to drool
 
there‒
I'll come down
stand on solid ground
without a need
to just float in air
for then
I'll truly feel a need
to open up‒
for something
care
feel life's breath
in share
really be there
in that place
somewhere
Continue reading “‘Floating in Air’”

‘Quiets in Storms’

You Be You. Let Me Be Me!

A sample from Book 8

  Quiets in Storms
 
open thoughts
living only once
one...one long moment
in count
which way
which way
to bounce
choices to pound
determines ways bound
 
silence the rush‒
eyes in storms
see alarms‒
which hat worn
determines coming forms
 
stay in hate's way
or let go
just flow
talk...talk a lot
let life know
 
trust in God†
or in silence
build knots‒
life in compliance
 
open thoughts
one life
one...only one
given chance to bounce
 
live in it
or from coveted walls
let it stall
see it
without ever
actually
knowing it
at all
Continue reading “‘Quiets in Storms’”