‘Attrition’

A sample from Book 9

 Attrition
  
 a stable life in good–
doing what you should
 holding on tight–
what's under the hood
  
 seasons change
all the same
knowing they would–
 gripping firmly to strength
 keeping sight
in positive's look
 assuring self
you've done it right–
 gave the love you could
  
 then all stop–
a tied-up knot
the sudden chop
 from what is
to the cold, calculated not
  
 words thrown
you misunderstood
  
 you...searching
for answers in known
 looking back–
on grounds stood
 phrases said–
bouncing in head
 surely something mistook–
signs overlooked
  
 you know what you felt
 all the right moves dealt
 –the magic read in clouds
stories in books
 readings in prayer books
right there...underfoot
 all the best
in adulthood
 words clearly understood
  
 but there...lacking input
 missed lessons in hymn books
 –deceptions little nook
misguided direction
 landing
in betrayal's neighborhood
  
 all the pieces
so well together...put
 a bit in the odd–
the back-there look
  
 a moved life
in sudden maidenhood
 no written guidebook
teachings a foot–
 these misguided ways
in falsehood
  
 stripping moments of good–
 losing self
in fancy-driven gook
 scenes of hollywood
 masterminds mastering weakness–
 perils of womanhood–
 –sly little crooks
 robbing more livelihood–
 what was already shook
  
 tighter goes the knots
yet another sudden stop–
 that letting-down drop
 forcing
the non-welcomed re-surfacing
 of anger's top
that place–
you thought chopped
  
 lessons learned in crop–
 that sudden stop
strengthens the lot
 of hurt's already
worn-out blot
  
 out goes buddhahood–
peaceful mind
turns to soot
 promises of a finally found–
 true
honesty in real's manhood
 lost once again
in a dreamer
stuck in boyhood
  
 all this defend
breaks self down–
 losing the will it took
 to again's stuck in pussyfoot
 –for nothing more
 than mere, stagnated driftwood–
 too hard for firewood
too nimble-footed
 too backwoods
to be anyone's
true knighthood
  
 so you just dawn an old frock
 cover all the clocks
mourn what's not
 –lessons thrown to floors
then mopped
 live a bit in shell-shock
  
 then, again fight
return good
 to its original spot
 –add the lost
 to false-love's overflowing
melting pot
 –take a minute...sob
tie tighter the knot
 listen to some hip-hop
suck on some lollipops
 –try to forget
once more...robbed
 trying to convince self–
 heartbreak
not your mascot
  
 but hope steps on in
 forcing self
back into believe–
somewhere, out there
 a heart's coming
your world to rock
 without ever again
the sudden stop
 from what is
to what's not–
love in flop

(April 10, 2016)—I pulled this quote from Joyce Meyer’s The Mind Connection, chapter four titled ‘Choose Your Attitude‘. She writes—

It is unwise to be content to have a good attitude only when things are to our liking, and then transition to a bad attitude when they aren’t….A good attitude makes life seem good even if it is difficult…An attitude that says things will be made right in the end. An attitude that is hopeful when others are giving up.

When you’re in a relationship and suddenly they change their mind without informing you, it is very difficult to have a good attitude. In fact, as in my personal experience, it was downright impossible. How can you have a good attitude when your heart is totally shattered? How can you have a good attitude when no explanation is given, when they refuse to face you? They just disregard you like you didn’t share the most secretive part of you with them. That’s the narcissist way of ending relationships. Sad!

I know many people who have lost in relationships and still have a good relationship with the person they are no longer with. The reason behind this is that they talked, communicated. When there’s no communication, or just flat-out constant lying, it is really hard to maintain a good attitude.

For me the worse part, and the worse to get over is the calmness in the men I loved, their gentleness, then the switch to this demon-like vulture absent of any resemblance of a heart. My why questions were relentless. Of course, as I said before, they go unanswered and that…THAT is what keeps a person in strife longer, fighting to regain their good attitude.

After the 20-year relationship ended, when I was in the darkness, I developed this very bad habit: Texting. Not the normal ‘Hey, how you doing?’ thing. No, because of the ignoring, the refusal to face me, I sent text upon text, email upon email trying to get the attention I needed, trying to get some kind of closure. I didn’t get any by the way. I had to find closure and peace of mind on my own.

I read a saying yesterday that said when you see a single woman, especially one in strife, you’re looking at a man who didn’t do his job; you’re looking at a coward. I agree.

Attrition: a wearing away or rubbing down by friction; a gradual diminution in number or strength due to constant stress; weakening; erosion; depreciation.

When you give everything you have to a relationship believing that the person in which you are in a relationship with is doing the same because of all the things they said to you, all the time you spent with them, and then they change their mind without giving you a reasonable explanation to why the sudden change in personality and heart, there’s a lot to deal with. The confusion is the worse. That’s mental abuse in a nutshell.

Then, as in my case, you learn about the lies and the things they hid from you, and when you confront them, they give you absolutely zero answers or explanations, it wears you down. You lose a bit of yourself to anger. You say things you really don’t mean out of anger and out of spite. That evil whore knows damn well what its doing when that red light goes on…the wearing down or weakening of the mind opens up those damn holes for that whore to do its thing. It knows exactly when and where to grab hold and cling as hard as it can. And the fight to regain your strength is excruciating to say the least.

The bottom line to all of this is that the one who changed their mind just doesn’t care how much they hurt you. You are sending all these text (which is, because of technology, a way for an abuser to keep control of you…of course, the first time I didn’t know this…the next two times anger just clouded my previous learning experience) and emails hoping they will see you, but the more B.S. they send you (as in replies), the more angry you get. They screwed up, but the B.S. they send turns the blame to you…the one hurt, which causes even more hurt and confusion.

When it comes to abuse in any form, it’s the sudden change in the calmness that you first saw in that person…that which caught your attention and your heart…which really drives the anger. Then they start throwing things at you…only through text…that imply you aren’t the person they thought you were. They totally forget the wrong they have done…cheating, lying, betrayal…and put all the strife on your shoulders.

They literally go from this calm, sweet person to this raging, controlling, I’m king kind of person. This was one of the biggest shockers for me. You get used to this calm voice, this calm nature, then suddenly you are faced with this beast of a person. In your head, you are going through everything shared, everything said before this change and trying to match that person with the one you now face. It’s disheartening at best because you know who you are, you know your principles and your beliefs and suddenly because of what the person is saying to you, you are questioning your own self…opening yourself up to a whole world that’s not even yours. If that makes any sense.

It takes quite a while to sift through a mess like that. All those things said before and after are so damn confusing that it puts your mind in an endless circle of questions and scenarios without any solid explanations to help you straighten them out. This is how the anger starts and builds until you realize there’s no use in trying because they will never see what they are doing. Narcissist want that control. When you rock their control, you are history. You become their past without thought, without reason. You are just gone.

But you are not gone in reality. That’s where all the texting and stuff plays its part. In the experiences I’ve had, it’s like they want you to constantly be the reactionary. You called them out on their truth, whatever they did wrong, and they won’t settle for that. They have to have the tables turned so the issue lies solely on you and not them. I guess this is how they ease their burden. I don’t know. I just know what they do.

It’s very hard to break the technology part of the control. The texting, emails…because you want answers. They don’t care about you. They return to their calm leaving you with the unanswered questions and feelings of incomplete. They don’t care. They are heartless and cold. It’s their M.O.

I always say that everything happens for a reason. Maybe, this anger we experience when dealing with this type of personality is allowed so that we can draw out the real person in them because without the anger, they have a way of making you forget their wrongs. It’s the manipulation part of their M.O. Maybe, the strife is for us to open our love/lust-veiled eyes and see truth so that we can make the choice to end the situation and save what’s left of our selves.

After the 20-year relationship, I’m one to burn those fucking bridges so that I don’t cross them again. I’ve learned well how to do this. I guess you can say it’s a protective mechanism that I’ve built inside of me. Once you study and learn what entails silent abuse, mental abuse and the narcissist, you become aware of their M.O. and you become alert faster and faster to their game.

I had to go through one marriage, 3 very, very short-term relationships and one semi-long relationship to know that without breaking the codependency developed from the first, you’ll keep attracting them to you. I’ve said this many times before. If you don’t break this codependency, then you stay stuck in a few of the stages of grief.

I’m seeing that breaking codependency on other people has the same traits as one who is in rehab breaking their dependency on a drug. There are withdrawals. They really suck. Learning to live totally alone without the need of having someone there is hard. I went out last night to my favorite place, 1 1/2 hours away, to celebrate a girlfriend’s birthday. I was so excited the whole drive there. I mean blissfully happy. I had a great time meeting some gals for the first time, gaining some connections on the social side of life, and not once thinking of any of my loses.

On the way back home was a different story. That’s part of the withdrawals. I kept thinking how I’m going back to an empty house, there’s no one there waiting, no one beeping my phone…bla, bla, bla. The closer I got to where my house is, the sadder I got until I just let it go and cried. Hell, why not? Sometimes you just have to let it go. I did.

When I got home, I was very tired, but I got on Facebook. I guess Facebook is not helping my codependency, but it is keeping me from being totally in the dark. I had a list of new friend request. I went through them and did my confirms. Then I had several contact me. I don’t chat much except for very close friends, but I decided to answer them. I wasn’t into it. I didn’t want to talk much. I noticed a change in myself. I guess…that’s a sign that I’m moving closer towards accepting being happy with just being with myself. Possibly.

I didn’t sleep much so I got out of bed at 6 and went to the trail and did my 3-mile power walk then took myself out for breakfast…me and a good book. I then came home, wrote and cleaned house. This is a good move into content. It’s a good sign when struggling with codependency and no one seems to know how to break it. I guess I’m going to figure it out and then tell you so if you are struggling with this, too, you have some kind of ground to start with.

It’s not fair that those of us coming out of abuse have to deal with so much while the abuser just moves on without a care in the world. Trust me…it only seems that way. I’ll leave you with Psalm 10. It’s titled ‘Prayer for relief from oppression by the wicked’ but it’s description of the wicked man describes the narcissist so well. They prey on the weak. In order to not attract them anymore, you must make yourself strong. Ask God. He’s helping me each day get stronger and stronger. He’ll help you, too. If you know a narcissist, lead them to God. I don’t believe in that analysis that they can’t be cured. I think everyone can if they only open their hearts to God.

Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of troubles? In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises. He boasts of the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord. In his pride the wicked does not seek Him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and Your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies. He says to himself, ‘Nothing will shake me; I’ll always be happy and never have trouble.’ His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue. He lies in wait near the village; from ambush he murders the innocent, watching in secret for his victims. He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net. His victims are crushed, they collapse; they fall under his strength. He says to himself, ‘God has forgotten; He covers His face and never sees.’ Arise, Lord! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless. Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say to himself, ‘He won’t call me to account’? But You, O God, do see trouble and grief; You consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless. Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. The Lord is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from His land. You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; You encourage them, and You listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is on the earth, may terrify no more. —Psalm 10

Remember: He comes after the ask and His time is not marked by ours.

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