A sample from Book 7
Spaces of Real
where do you fit in
when you're searching
for truth
–all seems a flute
when you're pushing–
revealing all you do
just to get through
when you talk to God†
–each day
just getting by
wondering
how
this day
you survived
knowing
because of someone else
tears you try
not to cry
over anger
you become
a hardened manager
wondering
what it is
that's
lost inside of you
yes, where do you fit in
–this society of fake
lost in its self-absorbed wake
when men are weak
constantly
searching
something always better
they seek
hanging you out to dry
without reasons of why
leaving you
constantly
searching
for spaces of real
where there's no reason
to conceal
what's truly hiding
deep inside
(February 27, 2016)―[‘Spaces of Real’ was written November 12, 2014.] At the end of 2014, I was at the end of the bargaining [depression] stage. I wasn’t through with it, but I was willing to try on a relationship. I was willing to start trusting. I thought I was ready for the acceptance stage. I wasn’t really. I will go on to bargain through most of 2015.
I truly wanted to be in the acceptance stage. I was done with grieving. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to love. Grief doesn’t give a rat’s tail to what you want! And what’s the worse thing about this part is that someone comes along and you want to go there…put your heart in it, and it’s just not time. That was my entrance to 2015.
All through this mess, I prayed. My relationship with God is beyond words, but I didn’t know how far away from Him I really was. It took getting my heart broke again over and over in 2015 to get me as close to God as possible. Then…then I was done with bargaining my way out of shit. In the process, losing someone dear to me.
You have to accept that things are what they are. You can’t expect to get into a relationship with any solid ground when you are bargaining. All you do is fall flat on your damn face. I did. Over and over again. During this time, I met my perfect, but I wasn’t seeing all of him. I was seeing only what I wanted to see. I was bargaining. Go-figure! I don’t want to bargain anymore. I don’t regret anything that I did in order to get through this stage. I had God. That…to me…is all that matters.
I can say that now…2016…I’m in the acceptance stage with both feet on the ground. I did try to bargain when this year began. Nope. Can’t do! I guess you can say: I’m all growed up! That’s a huge thing to say when you come out the darkness. Huge!
In ‘Spaces of Real,’ I wanted just something, anything to feel truth. It didn’t really matter where. It did matter with who. That’s the end of the bargaining stage. You settle with one person (if you are bargaining through pain with people like I did). I don’t regret it. How can I? This particular person got me out of hurt no matter how I look at it. In him, I found the real I needed to walk out of the pain that was consuming me.
During my last year of this circus, 2015, I experienced all of the stages of grief except the last. That’s this year. I don’t know how it happened. I cried a lot in January. I think I can give that cry to separation anxiety I was feeling over my daughter, and some anger about my 16-year-old. I can’t say that any of the tears were over the marriage or what transpired because of it. Then I began work. This tells me that I am in the acceptance stage because twice before when I tried to concentrate, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t read all of this work that I’d written during the darkness. It would just tear me apart.
Now…it is different. I know moving helped. The labor and busyness of it. I know the quiet has helped. I gave a lot more things away before I moved. That has helped. This place where I now reside, I’ve made it my own. That has helped. All of that has helped, but the one thing that has helped me the most, and this…you will raise a brow: Seeing how everyone else hasn’t changed. Those who betrayed me and hurt me are still the same! How has that helped? Because it shows me it wasn’t me! It shows me that my education, world travel, open-minded-thinking self knew, in some small way, that their way wasn’t right.
That girl back there…she knew that how she was treated, what she was expected to do and accept was not right. She knew that something, indeed, was wrong and this…seeing how no one else changed shows her what the wrong was and is…and it’s not her! I have finally found ‘Spaces of Real’ and it’s not in a building or any other kind of location…I found it inside of me!
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