‘Allegorium’

A sample from Book 11

 Allegorium
 
  
 (what is it in life
 if you can't tell
wrong from right
 to see in sight
what is of great heights
 to know
from a wrong fight
and a right fight
 ‒one worth the cry
one not worth the try)
  
 there was a yell, a scream
an act of rage
 mixed in scents of sage
  
 she would leave
she would leave today
 her bags...she began to pack
 ‒the stress off her back
  
 she voiced everything
she wanted to sack
 her mind lost in a haze
 remembering
all those great days
 ‒reasons why she stayed
  
 anger filled in a maze
this way, that way
 ‒which path to take
  
 wanting to run
 in spite of the fun
 then in comes the pun‒ 
standing eye to eye
 tears suddenly
fill in cry
  
 we just can't be together  

 shaking
coming from deep inside

 I know 

 each not willing to move‒ 
standing their ground
 knowing
without making a sound
 it all comes down
to mixes in race
 different traditions
different tastes
  
 but that's just the base
 to what lies beneath‒
 experiences
in the lace
  
 wanting her to stay
 knowing
his moments in rage
 ‒can't keep her in a cage
 from her mind
it won't fade
 searching
for words to say
  
 wanting nothing in fright
 in his dark eyes‒ 
seeing the willing light
 wanting her to seek it
 please make it bright
 understand the hard in my life
 for it, I had to fight
 sealing up everything inside
  
 confusion succumbed‒ 
the sudden in rays
 from his silent, pleading glaze
 it's not just his aces and eights
 that's on the take
  
 she adds up the sum
to it, he wasn't dumb
 every piece, every crumb
has to be sorted‒
 to smooth out
the constant lump
  
 another chance
another steady ride
 taking each side
 ‒what's buried in hide
 no matter how many lows and highs
 wobbling
through pass homicides
 all those moments‒ 
others confused their minds
 making them want to pounce‒
 in anger...quickly dive
  
 thinking through it‒ 
hearing every sound
 warnings, confusion, heart‒
 feeling the surface of found
 wondering where its bound
this constant round
 has to sooner or later
release its hound
 when wanting to stay
is all around
  
 softly relaxing
the lines on her face
 that unconditional
is not in a trace
 ‒it's in the base
of foundation's lace
 without living in a race
  
 what others see as a toxic tray
 may just be
the difference in race
 in raised traditional's case
 ‒angers set in
wanting to be erased
  
 each learning to let go‒
 what once slapped them
in the face
 releasing anger's ways
 that keeps trapping them
in a haze
 ‒exploding in a blaze
  
 what is it in life
 if you can't tell
wrong from right
 to see in sight
what is of great heights
 ‒to know Jesus'† life
why for us, He† died
  
 love is worth the ride
for it, pay the price
 for the reward
   everlasting life  

(December 22, 2017)—We have one life. One chance. What you do with that one life, one chance is totally up to you and no one else. How you choose to life that one life, that one chance reveals your heart and character. The heart and character that God will examine on that final day. It’s up to you how you want that final day to turn out. Are you willing to gamble with that?

Adding to the piece yesterday….

Allegory: moral story, allegorical representation, parable, story

The most infamous question of all time: What is the meaning of life?Do you ever think about it? Of course you do. Do you ever consider what that meaning could be?

After all that I did in life, after all that I had given and lost, I decided, basically, that I had done everything I really wanted to do. It didn’t end very well so why do that again, in that way. So, I decided to do something that could be considered on the opposite spectrum…use my life as a tool of sorts: Trying to understand the true meaning of life.

God put a lot of things in front of me. A lot. To me, anyway. Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends reminded me of the tests we go through in order to make us stronger. Yes, that’s true. But what if we broke down that to something more simple? What if the tests are indeed teaching us what the meaning of life really is?

Last night, in the course of conversation, the explanation of my work came up, then the names Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, and Pope John Paul came out of my mouth. Mother Teresa spent the remaining years of her life helping others. Princess Diana would go out at night and give fresh needles to junkies in the park (just one of the things she did), and Pope John Paul inspired the world…in ALL religions. What did their lives teach us? I will share what their lives taught me: The value of human beings.

I speak up about domestic abuse. Hard and loud. In my marriage, I saw how the past affected the present. There was nothing I could say to make the other party really look at his life, see what was affecting him. [This would affect my relationship with the sweet man as well. Him not looking at his past.] I refuse to look at my own life.

After the marriage, it was a whole new game for me. I learned that it wasn’t just my marriage that brought hurt to me, but also everything before the marriage. It was all surface stuff. I wasn’t going deep enough. [Amazingly, this would come into play at the end of Book 12.]Going deep in our own self is really hard. It hurts. We want to blame everyone else for what happened to us, what changed us, what molded us. Everything that we’ve been through in life comes back around.

First, we experience it. Meaning we are IN it. After we’ve gone through it…and there are many things we go through (one thing after another without any breaks to really think about it). We don’t really get that break until midlife…when there’s a sudden halt. That sudden halt comes after our kids are grown, after we experience a parent dying, a job loss, an illness…something that rocks our world completely. We also start going through physical changes like menopause, it’s hard to stay fit, sudden weight gain, sexual problems, hair loss…things like that.

All these things began to happen in the middle of our lives. They make us stop and think about what we’ve experienced thus far. This sudden halt awakens things that we buried, that we didn’t want to face, but they don’t just poke their heads and say ‘Here I am.’ No. We experience something inside, but we don’t or can’t put a finger on it. We just know something is bothering us, something is affecting our behavior on the outside. Meaning: We become angry. We suddenly quiet ourselves. We suddenly become louder, more aggressive. We suddenly want a motorcycle, to party more, to yell at our partner, to ignore our partner, even our friends. We change.

We then come to a breaking point. There are a lot of divorces during this stage in life. There are a lot of suicides during this stage. More people become ill during this stage than in any stage in life. More people seek counseling during this stage than any other stage of life.

It’s like God stops us and says ‘Look.’ It takes us a long time before we understand what He is saying to us. We sort of go mad…not in the technical term of mad…more like in the absent of a clear mind mad. We stumble. A lot of us fall. It seems that’s what it takes for us to hear what God is saying.

Think about our fathers and mothers on earth: They tell us or try to teach us what they have been through so we won’t make the same mistakes. Do we listen? Hell no we don’t. Our parents know this, they know the fall will come and no matter what they say or do, we fall anyway. Some have the arrogance to say, ‘I told you so.’ Most just remain quiet in front of us so we won’t feel too bad about ourselves.

That seems to be how God works. He tells us through scripture what NOT to do. There are loads of warnings in the Bible. He patiently waits for the fall. Bam! We struggle like when were young and we are learning to swim. We get thrown in the pool or we are taken to the deep in and we panic…whoever is teaching us waits for us to calm down. They patiently hold us, help us to feel secure in water that we can’t touch ground in. This may take weeks before we feel comfortable enough to let go of their hands or the paddle board. The first thing we learn is how to tread water. This takes time. I mean standing along the wall of the pool going up and down blowing bubbles takes almost a whole summer. Learning to swim takes patience!

We are God’s children and we are learning to live…when He lets go of our hands, we freaking fall! So He’s patient… waiting for us to calm down and ask for help. When we are older, pass the midlife part, a lot of us whine us single again. The baggage is there. The pain is there. We think we have sorted it all out. That seems to be when God sends us someone. Some of us are really prepared for this and can move on totally. Someone of us are sent tough souls because we are tough souls. To understand this, I had to think about years and years ago and the marriages that lasted. There was a lot back then. Why?

They understood God more than we do today. They took God seriously. I think because of all this mixed emotions about God and the lack of study, we have grown too lenient. We have lost that faith that those back then had. I think the sweetest thing in the world other than a baby is seeing a couple in their 60s and beyond still together! Sure there are unhappy couples in their 30s, 40s, even 50s, but it’s them older years…those years where we have to face death, illness, loneliness.

When I see these older couples, I think, ‘I want that.’ I do. Do you know how they stayed together? They get through each other’s past together. Isn’t that something?!

I have a big mouth. I do. I was silent for so long that I fear going silent again. I know I shouldn’t fear, but I do. It’s like when my therapist explained to me why, since the darkness, that I tend to talk a lot. My brain fears going back to calm because calm got it into trouble in the first place, hence, led to abuse. So, I talk. But that’s not all. I think! Do I think! I think of every scenario possible. I think of what I’ve been through, the signs I’ve missed, the reactions towards my questioning. I think and think and think.

The meaning of life. ‘Allegorium.’ We make stories up in our heads trying to make sense of the world around us. We forget that the devil likes to twist things around for us. We forget that we didn’t ask the other person the story, we just assumed. We see coming at others who assume things that aren’t even close to the truth. It’s a battle. We all go through it. I just talk it out loud by constantly expressing my emotions. I guess if we didn’t have social media, I’d have thousands of diaries, and hundreds of books written stuffed in drawers. Social media makes for live feed, get it off our chest, get immediate feed back and react! The only thing: What are we reacting to?!

Social media has been the cause of many broken hearts, broken marriages, suicides, betrayal…all those great sins. We let it happen. We can also use social media as a way to point things out to ourselves. Here’s the biggest fault with social media: People like tragedy too much. People love negative. People love to mix it all up. People react to bad hard and without thought.

It’s a win/lose situation at times. The faith that kept couples together back then is not around anymore. All this thought led me to that question again: What is the meaning of life?The answer is in those couples that are still together in their 60s and beyond. It truly is.

If you sat down with a couple that’s been together a long time, you would be amazed. My! the wonderful stories they have to tell! The greatest line of all times is when a story is being told and one in a couple says to the other: ‘You remember that….’To have someone live life along side of you is the ultimate! You experience the hard, the easy, the bad, the good. You learn together each other.

Toxic. Is a person really toxic for you? Which is the wrong question to ask. Why is the person toxic? Meaning why do we clash? Why do we love so beautifully yet bring out the worse in each other? ‘Allegorium.’ When you can answer that question, you are discovering the meaning of life! You can argue with me all you want. God brings people together for a reason. When we are lazy and don’t want to discover why, we say, ‘That person is toxic or poison.’

I spent 20 years with a person God brought into my life. There were so many things that just wasn’t right. A lot of people go through this. It’s those who want to stay together that put up the biggest fight. I’m wondering if finding out what the fight is about is the true answer to the meaning of life. Do we drive each other to hate and anger (when abuse comes into the picture) because, individually, we are afraid to face things that happened in our lives, which changed us, which molded us?

There’s good and evil. God wants something of us. So does the devil. The devil hates God. God loves us. So the devil uses us to get back at God. Can you see how this plays out in couples when abuse is involved?

What’s the hard? From personal experience, when one doesn’t want to give in. When love completely turns to despise and hate.

What about the couples that have the will to stay and last and hold hands in their 60s and beyond? Do you really think they got there without the devil ever interfering? Ha! You would be lying if you said ‘Yes.’ I know different.

So, maybe the whole meaning of life is discovering we were wrong! Think about that. Everyone seems to think they have the answer to divorce, abuse, hate, anger. Abandoning the whole problem seems to be the ultimate answer according to society. What if we are wrong?

Personally, I lived a life already. I’m on a second life. A whole different experience, a whole different way of looking at life. Will I end this experience the same way as the first? I was told last night that love has a price. Sure, it’s easier to abandon what is bad, to ease the stress, to cave in… walk away. I did that once. My children are a product of that. Divorce. They will never experience the holidays with both their parents together. Or will they?

I watched all three movies titled Santa Clause with Tim Allen. If you watched these films then you know the story, how Tim Allen’s character is divorced and the role of Santa Clause reunited his character with his son, but also with his ex and her husband and they, in the end, all were friends and considered themselves as a unit, a family. This was special, very special to the children involved!

So…we didn’t handle the first test right. We failed. God sends us another to try it again. This is how I see it: Love is everything. So if that second person God sends to us loves us and we love them…that’s God. The devil brings everything in to try and take that away, but if love remains…no matter what happens, do you think it’s worth the fight? When each is willing to set pride aside and work on the issues, no matter what the other does, do you think the easy way out is the true answer?

The meaning of life. Those couples together in their 60s and beyond, they discovered something really special that the rest of us are oblivious to: Unconditional love.I may be wrong. I may live the rest of my life miserable…the self-induced kind…but what if….

Christmas Magic. I truly believe in it. That Christmas magic doesn’t come from evil. Have you read all those post saying Christmas is evil. Wow! Only God brings out the good in us. Put aside all the crazy material insanity and look at the reason behind the magic. That’s God pointing His magic…fight the greed, hopelessness, hate, anger. His power is in the Allegories of the Bible. We just have to listen.

Call me insane, crazy, whatever…I believe! When the heart feels…that’s God! Is it toxic or is it the devil trying to destroy? Love comes with a price. Jesus’ love came at a price. They hung Him on a cross! Are you going to argue with that?

Is the price for love worth it? Ask those married or just together in their 60s and beyond. Listen to their stories. Wait for the ‘Remember that…’ Let that statement sink in and lift your heart. I think you’ll understand what I’m talking about when you hear that. After all, the greatest gift is truly LOVE! Merry Christmas.

Paperback: The Metamorphosis of Self—Breaking Bread…Freeing Self from the Cocoon of Codependency Book 11

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