‘Thank You for the Time’

A sample from Book 12

  Thank You for the Time
  
 I often mix up the rhyme
 wanting the rhythm
in times
 then I think
this life of mine
 has to end some time
  
 thank you, Lord†, for the time
 the silence
the frozen bones
 thinking deep...on my own
 without stories to tell
 ‒just a visit home
  
 thank you, Lord†, for this time
 everyone has seeds sewn
 everyone to everyone...cloned
 beeps from a wireless phone
 passing on‒ 
without really being known
  
 I thank you anyway, Lord†
for this time
 for bleak bitterness
in my mind
 for the tearing love
in my heart
 ‒I once fought so hard
feeling so torn apart
 in this space...I am caught
 reading words‒ 
to me...once taught
  
 thank you, Lord†
my lessons are mine
 listening deep‒ 
watching go by...the time
 wondering if enough‒ 
I've been kind
  
 no backwards
only forwards
 can I move the line
 taking the lessons‒ 
building new rhyme
 understanding the journey
 through time
is not just mine
  
 thank you, Lord Jesus†
 for all those moments
in time
 I'll bring them all in
 play with them
in my mind
then cherish the rhyme
 after all, You've† given me
the time

(January 14, 2018)—Fortunes. Do you believe in them? I believe in messages. I believe that we receive messages in the spiritual realm byway of the concrete world. An example would be if you’re praying for something and the message comes through a song or a call from someone least expected or something that’s around you that just showed up. It’s not like you pray for something today and bam something shows up. No. It’s something you pray hard for and the message eventually appears…when you least expect it.

I also believe nothing happens without reason. I’ve lived long enough and read enough to see the truth in this. Now that I’m a two (i.e. in a relationship), I see how things move for both, and for each individually. This past week we got our Chinese rice and the fortunes were:

You will be successful in your work.
The current year will bring you much happiness.
Your present plans are going to succeed.
Watch your relations without other people carefully.
Be reserved.

The first two were mine and the second two were his. Sure it’s messages placed in fortune cookies and it’s a random pull from a bag and other people receive the same fortunes. I get that. But is it random? I thought the last fortune’s wording was interesting. It should have read—Watch your relations with other people carefully….—I know the out in without was a typo. Or was it?

I wrote a piece here on my author page [Facebook] about jealousy a couple of days ago. In that writing, I stated that a relationship involves two people. Everyone else is the outside.

We ate the rice a few days before that post and the fortunes sat on the table for a few days. So, both messages were given at different times, but say the same thing. Do you see what I mean?Watch your relations without other people carefully….—In my eyes, it is saying watch your relations without involving other people. Makes sense. Other people tend to influence your emotions and behavior…your mind.

I was a very private person years ago. My divorce changed all of that. I’ve been writing my journey out loud ever since. Most of that time, I was single. Now, it’s a different story. When you voice your emotions to other people, they tend to see just that side…your side. Usually when you voice your emotions to another, you are upset and the things you say may not necessarily be true. You are just upset. When you cool off, your rational thought process returns and you see something different than what you saw when you were angry. Do you follow me here?

I am guilty of talking out my emotions without much thought before I say it out loud on my personal page here [Facebook]. It’s not done on purpose. It’s pretty much done in the heat of the moment. Leaving folks wondering about my sanity, I’m sure, but that’s okay because irrational thoughts in an emotional state are sometimes hard to understand…getting it out of our head and onto something…be it a notebook or Facebook page…helps us see it for what it is…irrational. It gives us a chance to look back on how we were thinking and see the error in it and correct it.

True…a lot of people don’t see it this way, and that’s a shame. Of course, I didn’t look at it this way when I was in the mince of my darkness. It’s been an on and off again battle ever since. Why? The simplest thing in the world: We don’t want to admit we are wrong. Yep. It’s that simple.

Today, I was led to Jeremiah again. In the course of reading, right before verse 17:1-4, the authors wrote—

To Jeremiah’s credit, he rises to the occasion and subordinates his personal feelings. Of course, Jeremiah’s persevering character was known to God, and that may be why God called him to this demanding ministry. (Calling one to difficult service may actually be God’s way of honoring His servant’s strength of character.) So it is that Jeremiah resumes his ministry and brings God’s message to His people.

Right before that in my Bible, the end of verse 16:10-21 reads—

O Lord, my strength and my fortress, my refuge in time of distress, to you the nations will come from the ends of the earth and say, ‘Our fathers possessed nothing but false gods, worthless idols that did them no good. Do men make their own gods? Yes, but they are not gods!’ ‘Therefore I will teach them—this time I will teach them My power and might. Then they will know My name is the Lord.’

Jeremiah was in a battle of sorts. He was called to serve the Lord with strict instructions. He couldn’t marry. He couldn’t mourn the dead. He couldn’t feast with the locals. He was to preach.

The reason behind these strict instructions was because God was upset with the Israelites and because they weren’t listening to Him, destruction was coming their way. Oh, the most important aspect of all this was that at the time Jeremiah was preaching the warnings from God, it was totally peaceful! The people didn’t like it very much that he was telling them that destruction was coming.

In verse 17:5-8, the Lord says—

Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

This is pretty powerful. At least, to me, it is. It also shook me up a bit because I moved from where the trees are green to the desert! Of course, it’s not a salt land where no one lives. There are an obscene amount of people who live in this desert that I live, but it bears to mind my personal journey.

I haven’t completed my vow yet. What am I waiting for? I don’t think I’m waiting for anything. I’m resting. I’ve written about this before. I’m in sort of a forced rest. I know it’s forced because each time I sit to do work on publication, there’s this ache in my heart…not yet…that’s the message I get. So, I listen.Sometimes, we just have to listen…sit back and rest. It’s like it’s a time set aside to re-examine where we’ve been. I’ve spoken of this before as well, and currently, it seems so important.

Many of us tend to run and run fast…getting that money, getting that life we’ve dreamed of, getting that relationship, getting on the hate bandwagon in politics…and we forget or don’t put as much effort in the most important subject on earth: God! When we’ve been gong-ho for a while, then suddenly we go blank, that’s a forced rest. Heed to it, is all I can say.

Verse 17:9-11 says—

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? ‘I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.’ Like a partridge that hatches eggs it did not lay is the man who gains riches by unjust means. When his life is half gone, they will desert him, and in the end he will prove to be a fool.

God knows our hearts. No matter how much we want to tell ourselves this isn’t true, it is.We can’t hide what we feel inside from Him. He knows. It’s plan and simple.This has everything to do with being in a relationship. It has everything to do with what we do with our lives as a whole. Are we honest with our hearts? That’s the question. These verses led to the writings of ‘In Course’ and ‘Thank You for the Time’.

Our courses are set. We are on them. They will eventually end. How we travel the course is totally up to us. We can learn to open our hearts and listen or we can remain closed up to the truth. We can run as fast as we can and not heed to those rest moments without giving thanks for what we already have, and risk everything. Really. Or, we can heed to the rest moments and give thanks and appreciate what we already have before moving on. It’s totally up to us as individuals.

These past two years have been rough for me. My body has taken a toll. I’m not fit like I used to be. I feel weaker than I was before I began this part of the journey. It’s my choice to regain my strength. It’s my choice to eat healthier, exercise more. There’s a difference now. Age. That forces us to re-evaluate how we have always done things. Change is hard.

I know I can’t exercise like I used to. So, I have to discover for myself a new method. This is big for me because my fitness level controls my self-esteem. Always has. So, my self-esteem is not that great right now because none of my clothes fit and with the nerve disorder I have, I feel every inch of skin that I’ve gained. This isn’t good for me, so I have to decide which way I’m going to go. In a way, it almost feels like the time before my divorce. Why?

I am beginning to see that I failed to see a lesson and I’m back there, body-wise, to relearn it. Why am I telling you this? Because we can’t move to a happier I if we are constantly staying in anger, blame, hate, envy, jealousy, doubt. We have…have…to deal with each of these in order to feel totally content with who we are.

I believe that is what people mean by being saved. [Only the sweet man was saying that I need to be saved.] When we become content with who we are, then we lose that fear that constantly holds us back. Once we lose that fear, we are ready to complete what God wants us to do. Does that make sense? The messages we are sent are sent to us for a reason. You can deny that all you want. It’s true all the same.

Today, the Bible spoke to me. Jeremiah answered a few questions I’ve been dealing with. I’ve been asking them for quite a while. Months actually. We are given the time we need to do the things God wants us to do. Everything is right on course. No matter how you look at it. It is.

These past months that I’ve been in this forced rest, I’ve been dwelling on the home I once had. Really thinking about it hard. I really loved that house. I had everything I needed when it came to household and yard. I gave or sold all of it. I almost got to a point during this rest session of regretting that. I don’t regret it anymore. I still feel a bit sad over it, but no regrets. It was just things.

I get stuck here and there in the tradition sense of home…having a place where my children grew up in and they are free to return anytime. It’s how our minds are programmed…it’s always been done this way, so it always will. No. It doesn’t mean that those traditions are the truth. Even if they are special and we take them to heart. It doesn’t mean they are true.

Home to me these days is hearing my children and my mom talk on the phone. When I hear their voices…I’m home! That’s it! Home is in the heart. Memories are just that memories. Sure, all those mementos we cherish are special, but you can’t get love from them. They just sit there and collect dust. Mementos aren’t people, and people is where the love is.

What does all of this mean in the great big scheme of things? Stop running so fast and enjoy the day. Do what you were meant to do without saying sorry all the time. Whatever that is that makes your heart beat harder, do that. Love those in your life. Love them. Tomorrow isn’t promised.

It isn’t easy letting go of the material things and the bad things that happened to us, but what good are they for today. Most of the things I gave away or sold…I never really looked at them, or used them, and they offered me no peace.Determine what is really special in your life. Then make some changes.

These writings may seem at first random thoughts compiled as one. They are not. In the overall picture, they blend. You just have to open your hearts a little more to see the message clear.Give yourself a chance to see life through different lenses.I promise you life will have a deeper meaning. History repeats itself if you let it. If you let it. So don’t let it. Learn to look at life with a new set of eyes. It’s not easy.

Anything good is never easy. It takes patience and practice. Every day is new for me. I learn something new all the time about myself, about the sweet man, about my children, and especially about love. Remember: That evil whore the devil will try to steal love from you, will try to break you. Don’t let it. Use God. He’s the strongest warrior I know and He’s always there waiting for the ask. Learn from past mistakes and move on. Love the skin you’re in always because you are beautiful. God bless.

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