A sample from Book 8
Use It To Be It
look back there
once, twice, thrice
‒don’t stay there
turn that wayward stare
towards something rare
turn that experience
he may have gotten you
clouded your view‒
that hidden abuse
that traditional muse
demanding traits of you
change your clothes
so subtle, so quiet
you went along
you had a home
to call your own
‘til matters click
change comes quick
only for you‒
he’s his own game
hiding from you
clear becomes the view
you fell hard
but here you are
a survivor’s star
from back there
turn that clouded stare
‒things begin to clear
don’t put that past
totally in the rear
use it with class
pave an avenue
‒there’s no excuse
had the view
overcome it, too
what he tried to kill
you’re headed somewhere
he’s stuck back there
there’s nothing to it‒
it’s just fair
his childish control
(August 8, 2015)—In Chapter 7 of Amy Morin’s book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, she talks about leaving the past behind, but not totally. She tells a story about a woman who suffered childhood physical and sexual abuse. She says years later when the woman’s brother begin repeating this traditional way, the woman decided to take her personal experience and make a difference. She became a lawyer, and with a small grant, opened up a non-profit legal organization offering free help to break this traditional. What a wonderful thing!
Morin gives several points on what not to do when it comes to what has happened in our past:
1. Pretend it didn’t happen.
I tried this on for size. Notta. It only works for a while, then you have no choice, but to face it. It is easier to pretend it didn’t happen. It is easier to ignore all that has affected you, but then reality comes and smacks you in the face. In every relationship, you have from then on! I had to go on a personal level to battle this. It still affects me.
2. Prevent yourself from moving forward.
I did this, too. For a year! I just wanted to sit there and drown myself on my self-pity. That, too, only works for a little while. Sooner or later, you have to man-up and say fuck it and teach yourself to be you, but in a whole different way. My family doesn’t like this new me. So! This is now my life. Take it or leave it.
3. Constantly focusing on what you’ve lost and not being able to live in the present.
My daughter can 100% confirm that I did this. My house, my family, my way of life…I couldn’t get it out of my head. It’s natural to feel this, but if it continues, then get help. I had no choice, but to get help. I would not have made it without outside help, and I’m not talking about friends and relatives…they can’t see it for what it is. I mean professional help…the help of a stranger.
That’s the only way I was able to get out of this hole, and it wasn’t one or two visits. I’m still seeing someone. I have to. Not because they say I have to, but because I say I have to.
4. Replaying, over and over, those painful events and focusing on how you felt during them.
Right now…I’m about to dig head-over-hills into every single painful event of the past 12 years.Not because I’m dwelling though. I’m doing it because of ‘Use It To Be It’. I’m going to take all that hurt and make it work for me. That’s what this afternoon’s work is about.
When I complete these books (putting every single work I wrote during this most painful period in my life in books), I want to smile, laugh…say…yeah, you thought you had the best of me…while all along, your actions were paving the road for the best of me! That’s right.
The best action you can take against that drama brought into your life is to turn it around and make it work for you, not dwell on it, but use that experience to bring something powerful to your life: The ability to help others.
5. Trying to undo the past or make up for your mistakes.
Notta, here, too. I tried this with my children. Only…the only mistakes I made, I wonder if they were really my mistakes to make. What I mean by that is if I wasn’t forced into the darkness, then I wouldn’t have had my crazy year where I couldn’t focus, concentrate, hardly breathe. So, were my actions that year really my mistakes? Whatever…I did take them as my own and try to make it up to my children. Too many hands in the cookie jar.
You can’t fix or mend something if there’s too many hands working against you. So, I give it to God. I survived. That’s all that matters at present. My children are old enough to see everything for what it is. If me having a guy in my life, or lovers back then during the darkness, makes me a whore like [x] labeled me…then so be it.
(He had lovers while we were married. I suffered the sexually transmitted issue because of it and dated out loud, then [he] lived with a chick and her ducklings in my children’s family home! Not even a year after he divorced me…What does that make him?…According to him and everyone else…a saint!).
I have been the one trying to keep our children together. My daughter…it’s been 2 years!…two years! since her own father talked to her. Two years! She’s a straight…A college student. She’s never given us a lick of trouble. Two years! That tells me that all that’s been said is true. Why else would you not speak to your own daughter for two years? And to all others…he’s still a saint. Amazing isn’t it!
All of these, I’ve been through. All of these messed up my thinking a lot. It took me, the Bible, and God to straighten it all out. I owe no one a damn thing. My Daughter and I survived, and we will continue to survive. Both of us, me sooner than her, will take this experience, and through our art, paint our picture of reality.
That’s what you need to do with your hurt. Instead of sitting there and drowning in self-pity, take the experience and say fuck it to all those who hurt you, and put them damn wings that God gave you on and fly! That’s right…fly! To me, that is the sweetest of revenge or payback and you’re not being ugly or demeaning, you are simply overcoming, surviving what they thought would destroy you. You are wonderful. Indeed! Beautiful. Hopelessly. Courageous! Unending. You have the power to take it all and turn it into good! Keep your faith. He is always right there…just ask. Love the skin you’re in.
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Additional Readings On Improving Self and Going After That Dream
(Each page has loads of additional books (in every format), videos, instruction materials, and inspiration gift ideas.):
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle
A Woman of Substance by Barbara Taylor-Bradford
Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day by Joel Osteen
Beloved by Toni Morrison
Fearless by Max Lucado
Fifty Shades of Grey by E. J. James
How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life by Susan Piver
How Successful People Win by Ben Stein
How To See Yourself As You Really Are by The Dalai Lama
Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg
Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.
Ship of Gold in the Deep Blue Sea by Gary Kinder
Shop Class as Soulcraft: An Inquiry into the Value of Work by Matthew B. Crawford
The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Ferriss
The Third Wave: An Entrepreneur’s Vision of the Future by Steve Case
Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, M. D.