‘Men of Songs’

Understanding depression and the veils by-way of Job!

 Men of Songs
 
I thrash out my complaints
I take the hurt, the blame
put it all on my shoulders‒
knowing
through all this rough terrain
not one showed sincerity
not one came
 
so I let tears fall
like rain
open my mouth
my worded train
feeling alone, empty
worthless...plain
wondering if I'm really insane
 
I cast out my stones to You†
‒Your† broken little dame
all these tasks
my life...so drained
not knowing the final aim
just take it all in‒
the arrows of false names
on invisible ropes...I hang
 
told...life is but a game
learn to play it...you win fame

 
You† and I know‒
that's not how it's framed
life isn't at all a game
You†...no one can tame
someone so righteous‒
You† easily cast in flames
and that person
will never be the same
 
when this heart
feels weak in faint
I look at all my I can'ts
I re-hear all those filthy names
know...none of them...I ain't
but I know‒
I'm such a tiny piece of grain
and the only fame
to be claimed
is that of Your† sweet, sweet name
 
I'm so, so tired
of being maimed
so tired of lonely's strain
what have I gained
on this hateful, lonely lane
 
I know it's part of Jesus'†
each and every vein
I'm so weary...feelings‒
my work done in vane
so, I call on you...Jesus†
please take all my complaints
straight to our Father†
‒pull me out
this agonizing drain
forgive all my trespasses
turn me over‒
to at least one heart
who feels the same
‒a bit of hunger
a bit of tame
to do works of good‒
in Your† sweet, sweet name

(July 24)—Our mothers. Veils. Mercy. I’ve been having a hard time putting my thoughts on paper lately. It may not seem like it but it’s still true. I end up writing it in my head then when I sit down, the same thoughts that I had don’t come out. I didn’t want to write anymore. For the past week or so, I’ve been in a battle with my self I guess you could say. I’m tired. I’ve been doing this work for seven years now. I’ve been writing and teaching and learning for over 10. I’m tired. But I’m to keep going.

Last night, I had another, yet another, one of my heart-to-hearts with the air. No. With God really but it seems like air at times. I have written about codependency for seven years as well. I’ve written about what it is and how to conquer it. I realized that my issue hasn’t totally been about codependency…that’s not why the lonely is surrounding me. Lonely is surrounding me because I’m a writer! It is such a lonely world and, honestly, I’m tired of it! So, I’ve been sort of arguing…discussing it with God. Funny how He works by the way.

The Book of Job. I’ve included here in this writing the entire part of Scripture that I was led to this morning. This isn’t a joke. Last night, I got mad. I said I wasn’t writing anymore. I put my notebook and Bible in a stack on the side of my monitor and went to bed. Well, I got word that my godchild was about to become a father again. New birth. I went to bed after I cried my eyes into puffy land again.

This afternoon went I woke, a tiny little girl was born. And…open the book came! So, of course, like an obedient child, I listened. I opened it up to the verses that I’m including here. I don’t know how this works, but I do know that what is said in this line of Scripture is exactly how I’ve been feeling. Some of it word for word. So, I’m going to go through them. You can take it with a grain of salt or you can actually take it to heart. The Bible speaks…if we’d just listen!

How I felt, ‘Men of Songs’…I know we all feel this a time or two. We aren’t the first. Job felt this. Remember he was this rich, socialite before God got a hold of him. Why did God do this to him? God wanted Job to work for Him…from his heart. God wants to show us how He works. In order to do that, He has to literally bring us down and teach us from scratch because man messes up His work constantly and we are told lies and wrongs, not truth. So, listen to Job…at this point in the Scripture these three young duds are trying to counsel Job. The young…they don’t know anything because they haven’t lived what God needs them to live through, but because they listen to others and absorb it, they think that that’s actual reality. No. Reality is living…experiencing. So, here, after one of them is trying to tell Job the truth of God, Job puts his two-cents in. By the way: Job is correct all through this Scripture.

Then Job replied: ‘Doubtless you are the people, and wisdom will die with you! But I have a mind as well as you; I am not inferior to you. Who does not know all these things?―Job 12:1-3  (Job is speaking and he is right!)

‘I have become a laughingstock to my friends, though I called upon God and He answered―a mere laughingstock, though righteous and blameless! Men at ease have contempt for misfortune as the fate of those whose feet are slipping. The tents of marauders are undisturbed, and those who provoke God are secure―those who carry their god in their hands.―Job 12:4-6 (Job is speaking and he is right!)

As you can see here, Job basically tells these three duds that we are all the same. They can act with their arrogance that they know more than Job…they are wrong. Only God knows everything. In all that Job says, the main lesson is that God is in charge no matter what. He discipline’s His children by way of the darkness. He test us by way of the veils. As in how the Book of Job begins, God permits suffering for a reason. In the above passage, Job acknowledges that those who do wrong or are at ease in their arrogance seem to have an easy life. It is those who worship the material world, God leaves alone. Maybe, this is because they will spend eternal life in the pit…so God gives a break here on earth!

‘But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish of the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind. Does not the ear test words as the tongue taste food? Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?―Job 12:7-12  (Job is speaking and he is right!)

Basically, each person has to see Him. Job is saying that you can’t truly know God without experience. You can think you know so much being a young person, but you don’t. God reveals Himself slowly, through trials. You first have to learn this, the reason behind it. The veils. You have to learn what they are. Sorry, if you are under 45 years old, you haven’t yet learned. You are still in school my dear!

‘To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are His. What He tears down cannot be rebuilt; the man He imprisons cannot be released. If He holds back the waters, there is drought; if he lets them loose, they devastate the land. To Him belong strength and victory; both deceived and deceiver are His. He leads counselors away stripped and makes fools of judges. He takes off the shackles put on by kings and ties a loincloth around their waist. He leads priests away stripped and overthrows men long established. He silences the lips of trusted advisers and takes away the discernment of elders. He pours contempt on nobles and disarms the mighty. He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light. He makes nations great, and destroys them; He enlarges nations, and disperses them. He deprives the leaders of the earth of their reason; He sends them wandering through a trackless waste. They grope in darkness with no light; He makes them stagger like drunkards.―Job 12:13-15 (Job is speaking and he is right!)

The veils [He leads counselors away stripped and makes fools of judges. and He deprives the leaders of the earth of their reason;] You should fear God because He can strip you of your knowledge faster than you can turn your head around. There are no accidents and coincidences. Sorry. None! God does all things. You can either trust Him and learn what He is trying to teach you or you can blame Him. I want to blame Him so bad, but I can’t. He’s done too many merciful things in my life to deny Him.

You are going through tough. It’s hard. Isn’t it? You cry and yell and scream and curse everyone and everything. I did that, too. It only last a little while. We don’t just pop up and say I’m well! I’m happy. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. God’s time is not ours.

Use me as an example. Before my trial began, I was an educated, very smart teacher and journalist…thought I knew everything. Right! When He stripped me down, boy did He bring me to the lowest. I did the lowest of things…that’s the bargaining stage by the way. But you can’t stay there. It’s designed to help you survive the darkness for a little while. You do have to emerge and go through that depressive part where you re-evaluate your life in total! That’s what He is trying to show you.

The veils. You have ZERO control. You can think that you do, but I assure you you will crash! And that next crash will be harder and more difficult to rebound from. Learn what the veils are and you will learn the lesson quicker. If not, suffer. It’s your choice.

My eyes have seen all this, my ears have heard and understood it. What you know, I also know; I am not inferior to you, but I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God. You, however, smear me with lies; you are worthless physicians, all of you! If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.—Job 13:1-5  (Job is Speaking and he is right)

I so LOVE Job! He’s my kind of people! When people don’t understand God, they will look at the things you do and criticize. I still get this. It is a shame. This has been part of my argument. Why do the wicked get to enjoy life while those of us who do right, who listen to God get the unhappy of it all, the non-understanding of it all, the pain of it all? I want to tell all those who do me wrong to shut the fuck up, too. The only thing…they aren’t saying it out loud. They are saying it in their actions. All those who keep secrets…they are living in the dark. If they ask you not to say anything or keep things in the family or stuff like that: They want you to live in the dark as well! Your family…you should be proud of them. You should want to tell the world about them. If they don’t like that you share pictures of them or talk about them or even block you on social media, don’t tell you things about their lives…they are living in the dark! It’s not you.

Hear now my argument; listen to the pleas of my lips. Will you speak wickedly on God’s behalf? Will you speak deceitfully for Him? Will you show Him partiality? Will you argue the case for God? Would it turn out well if He examined you? Could you deceive Him as you might deceived men? He would surely rebuke you if you secretly showed partiality. Would not His splendor terrify you? Would not the dread of Him fall on you? Your maxims are proverbs of ashes; your defenses are defenses of clay.—Job 13:6-12  (Job is Speaking and he is right)

If you tell someone that the Bible says God hates divorce and they are a sinner for divorcing, you are being in partiality. You aren’t telling them the whole truth. If you preach about God’s grace, but you don’t tell them that He can take that grace away, you are being in partiality. If you take the side of the one who did the wrong or caused the grief and don’t try to help them, instead point all your hate and anger of a situation at the victim, you are in partiality. That’s not love. That’s judgment. You are supposed to tell the truth the whole truth. You are supposed to see the wrong and help that person doing the wrong because their soul is on the chopping block. Their wrong caused another person to stumble…i.e. the bargaining stage and if you did not try to help, you are also in the wrong. So, a mark or rather marks were placed on the heart of the person who put that stumbling block in place (it was their test and they completely failed), and you get a huge mark because you did nothing to help the victim and the person causing the wrong! That’s is huge! That is the power of God.

Everyone is so afraid of speaking Jesus’ name. So wrong. Job is telling you who GOD IS! He’s the one you should fear. Jesus came to give the sinner a CHANCE! If you’re not taking that chance by believing, truly believing in Him, the wrath of God will come to you. Instead of thinking of the world that surrounds you, you should be thinking about the world AFTER this one. The light or the pit. You choose. That’s on you. Free-will. God’s unconditional love gives you the right to make that choice. It’s your personal responsibility to make the right choice. What I see is that so many people are fucking up their own destiny by batting for the wrong side. Sad really.

‘Keep silent and let me speak; then let come to me what may. Why do I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my hands? Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to His face. Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance, for no godless man would dare come before Him! Listen carefully to my words; let your ears take in what I say. Now that I have prepared my case, I know I will be vindicated. Can anyone bring charges against me? If so, I will be silent and die.—Job 13:13-19   (Job is speaking and he is right!)

Amen. Man can’t judge me either. The people who truly understand God, they don’t fear going to Him. I don’t. I speak to Him all the time. In my anguish and in my happy. There’s a passage in the Bible that says to question everything. Oh, that’s something that I do. And I will never stop. After all, He did make me with the journalist mind. Fuck all those people hiding shit. It’s a shame that they think they are hiding. They are not. God sees all.

Me…I take my case straight to my Father! He’s my authority. I don’t trust many pastors and such. I don’t trust man at all. I suffer. I do. Not because I’m a miserable person. I’m far from that. I suffer because I feel the pain of others. I suffer because I see the way they are going and that breaks my heart. I suffer because they won’t listen to truth. And…I suffer because I write about my Father and I have the I fear of getting it wrong. I do not, in any way, want to shame my Father. So, I question. I cry because the silence of humans makes me want to think I’ve got it wrong, then I’m pointed out to Scripture like this that I share with you today. There is not a doubt in my mind that I’m a child of God. And that makes me suffer more because I know who isn’t…and I know if they don’t face God, they will wind up in the pit. I think all children of God feel this way.

‘Only grant me these two things, O God, and then I will not hide from You: Withdraw Your hand far from me, and stop frightening me with Your terrors. Then summon me and I will answer, or let me speak, and You reply.—Job 13:20-22 (Job is speaking and he is right!)

I can’t say how many times I’ve asked this of the Lord. Do you know what true terror is? Going against evil. I question this shit all the time. What the fuck made You think I was strong enough for this shit? That is one of my direct questions. I DO NOT hide my ways from God. He knows exactly how I am! I am just as direct and straight up with Him as I am with humans!

And lately, I’ve been tired. The past three years was difficult. And now, you know that those of us who are the faithful ones, we don’t just stop loving a person no matter what they did to us. We can’t hate anyone. We try. Fuck, you have no idea how hard I tried. I can’t. My words may seem that like I do. I don’t. I tried my damnest to force the hate. It doesn’t come.

For the sweet man, I cursed so bad with God (cuss words…not actually placing a curse…that ain’t going to happen) about me giving up my money, my possessions. For what? I would beg. Just do it. is what I would got. Trust…I would get. It all made sense in the end but during…it didn’t and I argued my case constantly!

How many wrongs and sins have I committed? Show me my offense and my sin. Why do you hide Your face and consider me Your enemy? Will You torment a windblown leaf? Will You chase after dry chaff? For You write down bitter things against me and make me inherit the sins of My youth. You fasten my feet in shackles; You keep close watch on all my paths by putting marks on the soles of my feet.—Job 13:23-27 (Job is speaking and he is right!)

Beside this passage, I wrote in 2007: I had felt like this for years. Now here in 2007, I feel that the shackles are breaking loose.

I had no idea what that meant…looking back, I see it clearly now! The hell I paid for those shackles to break loose. Oh, my! Last night as well as several nights before, this has been my argument. Writing for Him was very lonely. Writing all that I did chased everyone away from me. Everyone. There’s no one person here. Not one. No one calls to check up on me. No one. I know why. You don’t have to believe this. I really don’t care. I’ve learned how God works. I’m in the reconditioning period of my journey!

The only thing I’m not listening to is the stop smoking part. I’m kind of mad at this because it IS the only vice I have. I don’t drink, party, flirt, date, have sex…I just have my cloves! But all that I’ve been shown, from the messages I’ve been given: vegetables (i.e. diet), oils (they are coming), rest, exercise. I’m being prepared if you see it the way I do. It’s very strange when there’s no one here, but I have a coach per say directing me on what to do! Do you want to know what I’ve been shown that I’m being prepared for? My king. Believe that or not. I’ve been given impressions of him though I never exactly see his face.

I argue at times that He moved me to this pretty place. I go out and walk and see all these families laughing and being together. I see all these beautiful homes and life. But I’m forced to be alone. It, at times, feels like a prison. A lot of places I’ve been moved to feels this way. Like God is keeping me from people on purpose. I knew the writing part…then I learned the sad part, as a human. Those who suffer here on earth can look forward to eternal life. No pit for us!

‘So man wastes away like something rotten, like a garment eaten by moths. Man born of woman is a few days and full of trouble. He springs up like a flower and withers away; like a fleeting shadow, he does not endure. Do You fix Your eye on such a one? Will You bring him before You for judgment? Who can bring what is pure from the impure? No one! Man’s days are determined; You have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed. So look away from him and let him alone, till he has put in his time like a hired man.—Job 13:28-14:6 (Job is speaking and he is right!)

Yes, Job, yes! I feel this way. In fact, I spoke this out loud to the air…God last night, and I have been saying this. All these books, I worked for God and no one else. I’m tired. Last night, I said I feel like a whore. These men, three of them, that I gave my heart to. They plundered me, took advantage of me. I think the ex is the worse because through me, God gave him children and he still plunders me by his selfishness and lies. But I can’t do anything about that. God worked through me. These men failed their test and they are still failing. I have to accept that. I did what I was asked to do. It does not matter what choice these men make. And it is their choice. They chose the pit. But I know that there is still time for them to anty up and move away from the pit. And I know how hard that will be. The courage it will take, the pain that turning around will be.

Those who went through life without the true guidance of their mother are mostly the ones who suffer this hard. This I have learned the very hard way by loving these types as lovers and friends. A mother teaches the right things when she’s been taught the right things. When a person doesn’t have that, they wither. It’s a very deep, personal test. I believe, truly believe, that these people are very special to God and He allowed their early trauma to test how right He is about them. Some fall and He can’t do anything about that. Well, not can’t…won’t…because of His unconditional love. He gives every single person that…freewill…the right to choose their path. We can listen to Him or not.

Being in that place where we ask for mercy is a very dark place. For children, it’s very hard to hear. Especially if we don’t have a mother to guide us through it. Or we fear telling our mother that we need help. For me, I chose to hear. I’ve been working for Him every since. And that…is much harder than working for the prince of the earth because those of us who answer His call, suffer more on earth, a preparation for the eternal light. Those who have it easy on earth…well…no need to say.

‘At least there is hope for a tree: If it is cut down, it will sprout again, and its new shoots will not fail. Its roots may grow old in the ground and its stump die in the soil, yet at the scent of water it will bud and put forth shoots like a plant. But man dies and is laid low; he breathes his last and is no more. As water disappears from the sea or a riverbed becomes parched and dry, so man lies down and does not rise; till the heavens are no more, men will not awake or be roused from their sleep.—Job 14:7-12 (Job is speaking and he is right!)

This is what depression feels like. Job has such an eloquent way of putting it. When you are put through trials, it feels like this when you see all that is around you. You think I’m just getting older and no one will want me, or How can I sprang back up from this? It’s a truly soul-searching place.

My journey is a bit different than the normal person. I say this in truth. Long ago, I asked for the gift of truth. Then I asked for the gift of perception. I wanted to see it all. I had no idea what I was asking, but I got it all the same. In order to see that, a person has to travel it. Being that I was already given the gift of writing. It wasn’t a surprise (I saw this after it all happened) that I would have to go down, way down to see ALL the truth.

Having said that…it seems like I’m lost in depression all the time. I’m not. I’m to write about all the heart feels. So, sometimes, my moments in cry and having that low, depressed moment is very short lived in order to write about the emotion. Only, I am human so I have to cry and get it out before the emotion will go away. I know that sounds odd but read my work and you will see this. I’ve learned why this took place. Every part of the emotion is written in so that each person who is lead to my work will find themselves in it. When they find that one poem that is them, that is where their healing begins. It does make sense. And it will happen that way. I just have to wait it out. Patience, Karen, Patience.

Note: I’ve learned through Facebook that my name Karen is now the bitch name! How true that is! Karen doesn’t put up with evil in a calm, heartful way. Karen calls that bitch out. Mother fucker I’m gonna slam you to the ground and put your bitch as self under my feet! Oh, hell yeah! That is fucking truth….Karen IS the BITCH NAME! I think the ex and the sweet man learned that shit well…that’s why they went into HIDE! I’d hide from Karen, too! She calls out that dark shit! By way of the LORD!

‘If only You would hide me in the grave and conceal me till Your anger has passed! If only You would set me a time and then remember me! If a man dies, will he live again? All the days of my hard service I will wait for my renewal [release] to come. You will call and I will answer You; You will long for the creature Your hands have made. Surely then You will count my steps but not keep track of my sin. My offenses will be sealed up in a bag; You will cover over my sin.—Job 14:13-17 (Job is speaking and he is right!)

I wrote in 2007 by this Scripture: The big question of the universe: Reincarnation?

He contradicts like I did. We live one life? or Do we come back? I now know what the true resurrection is about. Death in the Bible means sin, evil, the darkness. Live means to come back from death…i.e. sin, evil, the darkness. Once we do that and stay that way on earth, when our bodies end, our soul continues. That’s what is meant by resurrection. That’s what Jesus’ whole life meant. By His life and death, we are given a chance to rise! Resurrect from the darkness. That is what the five stages of grief is designed to do. Only people aren’t explaining it right. Those stages were not designed by man. No. Man could never be that smart. Man only labeled these stages. Every single person on earth will go through these stages if they like it or not. Every single person!

The writings I’ve done are not normal books. They are tools. Like the Bible is. They teach HOW to rise! They reveal the veils. They show love. They show evil. That’s why I had to travel a road I never thought I’d ever travel…because I asked for the gift of truth. The books are about healing…to show you that, no matter what, God is in charge and you have to learn to listen!

‘But as a mountain erodes and crumbles and as a rock is moved from its place, as water wears away stones and torrents wash away the soil, so You destroy man’s hope. You overpower him once for all, and he is gone; You change his countenance and send him away. If his sons are honored, he does not know it; if they are brought low, he does not see it. He feels but the pain of his own body and mourns only for himself.’—Job 14:18-22 (Job is speaking and he is right!)

I wrote in 2007: Man is selfish.

But now I know that it’s God who forces us to look at ourselves in order to rebuild us to do His work. I truly, to this day, feel what Job wrote here. When God has something for you to do for Him, and He wouldn’t have brought you down to dirt if He didn’t, He cancels out everything. This is a battle in itself because people start to label you as being selfish. It’s all about you…I got that a lot! When the truth is…it’s all about God! People that don’t have God in their heart by way of Jesus don’t see that. They don’t see God’s power. Oh, I have! I adore my Father but I fear Him totally. He can put words in our mouths. He can bring on the change in appearances in people. He can change what we see right before our eyes. He can put thoughts in our heads. He can control every single part of our body in order for us to do what He wants us to do. Oh, that’s written in the Bible over and over again!

The veils! You don’t have power over these. But you do have power in your choice. These veils are designed to challenge your heart. If your heart is true to God, then it doesn’t matter the veils, you will always choose God. It’s a true fight. You question your mind, your sanity, your very soul. But the end…the actions that you choose reveals your heart. Not the thoughts in your mind, not the words from your mouth…your actions!

Last night, I questioned the Lord. I questioned my mother. I submitted again. It’s all me I demanded. It’s all my fault that there’s no one here. Then Job! Write and the readers will come! That is the last part of the deal back in 2012. He promised me peace if I did what He asked. He delivered. As I figured out all the numbers and how they relate to my work, I learned that this here book, book 13 is actually Book 12, the final part of the vow. So, it’s not over. I have until the end of this year, then the publication process of this book to wait for write and they will come. So, patience, once again thrown on my like heavy boulders! The sad, lonely, life of a writer in waiting. A 50-year-old maiden waiting for her King!

Final message: Be patience. Listen to God. Man does not matter. The power of God is extreme. Listen to what Job says. Know…that in the end Job received back all that he lost ten-fold! He didn’t quit. He didn’t give up. And he never lost faith in God. Only now…God threw in a curve. Our faith in Jesus Christ must be present as well as our faith in our Father! It’s your choice!

Author: k. e. leger

I'm a writer.

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