‘Channel’

 Channel
  
 a bird flies when its free
 it stagnates
in captivity
 its colors blossom
in variety
 fading in ambiguity
 ‒plucking them out
in atrocity
  
 in nature...the act in free‒
 all the same
in its facility
 a trapping technicality
 ‒being free has its complexity
  
 as a woman
in her diplomacy
 giving true
to her effeminacy
 when treated
with significancy
  
 when she's satisfied
in her sexuality
 she falls into compliancy
 even in another's complacency
 giving up her self-sufficiency
 even her style in flossy
 being, at first
blissful in buoyancy
  
 as it goes...comes the decadency
 becoming aware
of the deficiency
 –a broken down fallacy
 as she meets each exigency
  
 outward...comes her adamancy
 as gone goes her sexy
 –an inward building pudency
 her usual controlled diplomacy
 loses its bearing
to rampancy
  
 as goes the controlling austerity
 saving-money hostility
 ‒slowly caving
in her impetuosity
  
 attention...gone its notoriety
 even her newly shaped nudity
 once praised with delicacy
 gone...with looks
words in vulgarity
 stripping
all her sexy naughty
 –leaving vagueness
in commonality
  
 lack of interest
opens a familiarity
 once ignoring
so much secrecy
 once ignoring the mendacity
 pulling forward
all its perfidy
 as gone...all her sensuality
 understanding
its diverted generosity
 she becomes lost
in recalcitrancy
 –the precious kitty lost
to lunacy
  
 all for giving her free
 to submissive captivity
 for the awakening
of her sexuality!

(May 9, 2019)―It’s funny how life repeats itself when we don’t learn the lesson the first time around. The funny thing for me is that I wrote about this before. I guess it pays to write about it again. The woman and all of her charm and personality has a way of turning into the woman her man wants her to be. Hold on before you scream: That’s not true. I do have a very good point.

‘Channel’…In my car today, I had a conversation with myself. I do this often…it helps to get the thoughts straight. A writer’s mind…go figure! In my conversation, I realized that I was making an argument about something that happened to me already (Book 5). How did this happen again? was my question to myself.

When you first meet a guy, you are in your zone: Happy, sexy, in shape, all the things that actually make a man want to talk to you. Well…here comes my with-self conversation. I wrote about this before. Strongly. It cost money to be in that zone! Us women…we spend money on ourselves getting ourselves happy! We buy nice clothes, work out in gyms, go to the hair dresser, do our nails, tan, eat right. That all cost money. Are you with me so far?

Not in my marriage so much as with the sweet man, but we feel good about ourselves and that leads us to feeling sexy about ourselves and that leads us to flirting and being playful. Be honest. We are not playful when we don’t feel good about ourselves. And…a big AND…when we are living on our own, we don’t have anybody telling us that dress don’t look good on you or you shouldn’t wear so much makeup etc., etc. We look good! Fuck what people say! that’s our mentality when we are living on our own.

So, there we are feeling all good and we get this guy talking to us. In today’s world, we get all into that sexting and chatting because we spent money on ourselves to look and feel good. Am I right?!

‘Channel’…We get that guy. We move in with them. What does that mean? Well, we share shit…food, bed, home, car. So, there they are paying attention to what we spend money on. Okay, now I’m back to the conversation I had with myself.

You don’t need to spend money on that. Or Stop buying so many toys…as in sex toys, or sexy nightwear. Or how about You look perfect without all that makeup. Or You don’t need to buy all those fancy clothes. You don’t have anyone to impress. You already got me.

Okay. Because of all the things they say, we stop going that full mile that we did in order to get them because we have them. We don’t need to. That’s what they said. Right? For me, because of all the comments, I stopped buying as many products. I’m such a product girl. I love trying new woman products. But I stopped. I used what I had. Even if it’s old. To save money. After all, we are in this together. That’s what we think. Right?

For me, I used to dress up every single day because I worked. Since I don’t work outside the home anymore, why dress up? That’s my logic. If they want me to save money and not buy so much, then staying home I don’t need to put makeup on or wear down my good clothes every day. Get where I’m coming from?

So, I’m working from home. I wait. I’ve done this twice in my life. I wait. What am I waiting for? For them to ask me out. Giving me reason to dress up! Waiting for them to notice me. Waiting for them to want to get sexy.

Oh, sure I’ve taken the lead and fixed drinks, put music on, put something sweet on. Nothing. I’ve tried grabbing them to dance. I get pushed away. I tried touching them. Pushed away. So, I take the cue and dive into my work and let them be. After all, they said they loved me no matter what. Right?

‘Channel’…You change your routine to fit their idea of how it (i.e. the relationship…i.e. you) should be. You change your idea because they satisfied you in the major department: Sex. For any woman, the big O….she’s happy!

For me, in the first relationship, I had babies, put myself through college, taught school, took care of the house, a lot of times…the yard, attended outside obligations. I had a lot to do. He went to work, came home, messed around in the yard, ate the food I cooked, then went to bed. I had to do the dishes and help the kids with homework, study and grade papers.

I did all this for years, then I got sick and couldn’t work. Why get dressed up if I’m not going to work or anywhere’s else? Sixteen years of working, then I stay home and I get comments about my looks, my dress. I’m like what the fuck? That’s when I started wondering why would he make such comments? The suspicions started to work over time. Of course, four years later…divorced! (Books 1, 5, 6, 7)

I got this same thing in the next relationship…only this time…two years in. I had a lot of anxiety to work through, 12 books to write, layout, edit, publish, and codependency on my kids I had to break and my mother was gravely sick then died. Depression. I gained 40 pounds! I knew I would get it off. I have no choice with my spine and neck…part of my disability. During this time, I went from just having depression because of dealing with fibro to having major depression disorder because of my mom dying. That’s a lot to deal with in a short period of time. But he said he’d stay no matter what. Right?

‘Channel’…Giving up ourselves for a guy is the wrong thing to do. Men do NOT know what they want. I was told by a guy recently that a man is visual. They like things to look pretty…what pleases the eye. Okay. I can understand that. So, if they want their woman to look nice, why aren’t they doing the same for us?

For me, look at both men that I’ve been with in the past 27 years, visual is not what draws me to them or keeps me with them. I fall in love with their heart. I loved them just the way they are. It is them who change me into who they thought they wanted me to be, then later on, when I become that woman, they decided they didn’t want it! Isn’t that something?!

When I was separated and was forced into therapy, the therapist told me about codependency and how we give up ourselves for the other person. In all my reading on codependency, we get this trait way before we are ever married. Codependents attract the narcissist personality type of people. The needing to care for attracting the needing to be taken cared of. (Codependency No More)

Basically, I allowed myself to become who the guy wanted, and I had to figure out who I was again. I can’t blame them for this. It was my own free will to do so. Why did I do it? My sexuality is very important to me. I’ve always read that having a good sex life keeps you vital and alive. I agree. So, both the men I had long relationships with did that for me.

‘Channel’…Only…they changed. Once the relationship was established and solid, the intimacy disappeared. When this happens, a woman starts to wonder. No, as women, we don’t expect sex every night or dancing in the kitchen to be common. No. But we do expect to be touched and loved the same way as when the relationship started. We do want that big O in the bedroom. We do expect them to want us in the same way as they did when they first came in our lives. We do expect that when they say they’ll be there no matter what, that they’ll be there no matter what.

I’ve always said that you don’t just stop being in love. If you move on so quickly, than you were never in love in the first place. For me, in both relationships, the ignore from them was so easy. All because of my big mouth. That was said in both cases! In fact, both relationships were like mirrors. Did my love just stop? Hell to the no! I just have to deal. If someone doesn’t want to stay, why force the issue?

Another thing that was mirrored in both these relationships was this: the first something’s wrong with her and in the second you are mentally ill. Both not looking at themselves…instead, it all pointed to me. I seek therapy over this. Truly. When someone can’t see their own faults or what causes them to act the way they do, they blame the innocent. In both relationships, I gave everything I had. Literally. It wasn’t enough. In the first, when I became sick and couldn’t work…downhill everything went and I began to see the truth. In the second, anxiety (again sickness) and my mom dying was the final straw.

In both cases another issue was the same: My writing and people who live for drama reading what I wrote and going back and starting up gossip. I can’t help that. I decided during my darkness that I wasn’t going to be quiet when someone caused me strife…I was going to write about its truth. The reason for this: I was quiet about a lot of things during the first relationship…for a long time, then he physically attacked me. Everyone blamed me because I was quiet. I kept quiet after that for seven years. I did learn my lesson when it got close to that again…I wasn’t quiet anymore.

To some on the outside, my writings are drama. Yes, it would be to those wanting to start drama. I understand that type very well. Any woman who has suffered from abuse does. This is the type who are eager to get that man who is finally single, and they are feeding him what he wants to hear. Usually, these women are from abusive relationships, and they haven’t dealt with their pain. They are easily controlled. Yes, I understand this type very well. Writing about abuse and my life brings out these types. Maybe, my writings will help them…or maybe not. I’m not much for drama. Just the truth.

(Note: And…as I’ve written this many times, if my writing affects you, it’s not me that you should be pointing your finger, but, instead, that person staring at you in the mirror. You are pissed, mad, angry because I’ve written the truth and that truth affects your emotions. I’m sorry for you. But your emotions are affected because I’ve touched on something that bothers you about yourself. In that case, I’ve done my job as a writer well. For you, you should deal with that issue (there’s a lot of books on this site that can help). If you know me, if I know you, and my writing affects you in such a way that you feel that you have to end knowing me, then that is on you. If you are that shallow and can’t deal with your own issues and would rather cut ties with me, then that’s your choice. I’m good. The truth never changes. That’s just facts. And God knows my heart.)

‘Channel’…Did I learn anything? Yes. The second relationship met a lot of argument and fighting because I was fighting giving up who I was. During that whole thing, I had a major project going on and several major crises to deal with, so if the relationship was never solid as I thought, it was going to end anyway. A man strays on his own. Not because of relationship. You can’t keep a man who can’t be faithful. It’s that simple.

So, as in my personal experience, do NOT change who you are no matter what they want of you. You kept yourself sexy and pretty on your own. Do the same when you move in with a man. Do not let him convince you that you need to save money, etc., etc. Again…he will condition you into what he thinks he wants, then he will change his mind. If he needs to change you in order for you to fit in his world, then his I love you does NOT hold water. He’s playing.

No one should WANT to change you. All that saving electricity and saving money…that only attracts POOR! I know in my life that I lived according to the vibrations I was putting out there and I was attracting money and what I needed (Law of Attraction). Living with someone who’s always saying can’t, never, shouldn’t, etc., etc….twice in my life…there’s always broke staring at me. You have to live according to your desires in this world or you will always be wishing! A man who wants to change you…they won’t stay, and they’ll just keep you broke. Truth: They are always looking for someone better, or someone they can control anyway. (The Secret)

‘Channel’…Which leads me to my final comments…being an independent woman who always had her mind set on goals to achieve, I always wind up with men who want to control me and dumb me down. Straight to the point of eventually calling me dumb, ignorant, mental. Straight to the point of telling me my disabilities are fake or I’m using my disabilities as a crutch or using my disabilities against me to confuse me, manipulate me, control me, make me feel less…which eventually gave me a low self-esteem about myself and made my health worse.

Me…being the resilient person that I am…always has to rebuild myself. I’ve lost over 20 pounds. I’m tanning again. I’m exercising again. I’m building my website. I’m writing. I don’t want to fuss with anyone. I still live with the sweet man. I have my own room and bathroom and I keep to myself. I still haven’t decided where I’m going when this lease ends, but my car needs some major repairs so I might be getting a job, so I may stick around Las Vegas for a little while longer…get a cheap apartment and see where it goes. I always do what I have to do. That’s what independent women do.

The men we leave behind find women they can control. I’m just not that kind of woman if I don’t get what I need in the romance department. As I’ve always written, a man who gives a woman what she needs in that department…she will give him the world. As soon as that stops, her eyes open up to her reality and the fire comes out! Especially from an independent woman!

Note to men: Do NOT question an independent woman’s motives when all falls to pieces. The fact is you did NOT do your job! As that saying goes: A woman is as happy as the man sitting next to her. You failed. She did not!

All my women friends: You are beautiful. Again…yes, it’s that important: Do NOT change for anyone! You stay beautiful. You change for yourself. You look in the mirror and that’s who’s the important one. A man gets what’s there after you. You took care of yourself before him. You take care of yourself while with him in the same way as you did when you lived single. Love the skin you’re in. Always.

If you are getting a divorce or coming out of an abusive relationship, suffering loss in anyway, get My 12-Book Series. Let’s start a conversation. Domestic Violence is NOT accepted and those that suffer from it need us to start these conversations.

Additional Readings On The Law of Attraction, Spirituality and the Mind

(Each page has loads of additional books (in every format), videos, instruction materials, and inspiration gift ideas.):

A Christmas Carol (Faith, Self) (Fiction) by Charles Dickens

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose (and Everything Eckhart Tolle…Entrepreneurial, Healing, Law of Attraction, Self) by Eckhart Tolle

*Battle Field of The Mind/Winning the Battle in Your Mind (and Everything Joyce Meyer…Abuse, Faith, Healing, Mind, Self, Strong Woman) by Joyce Meyer

Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day (and Everything Joel Osteen…Entrepreneurial, Faith, Healing, Mind, Self) by Joel Osteen

Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness by Susannah Cahalan and The Survivors Club:  The Secrets and Science that Could Save Your Life  by Ben Sherwood  (and Everything Susannah Cahalan…Self, Strong Woman, Surviving)

Chicken Soup for the Soul (and Everything Jack Canfield…Gratitude, Healing, Laughter, Self, The Law of Attraction!) by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Amy Newmark

Daily Devotions: Wisdom From the Bible to Light Your Way by Gerard Kalan and Fasting to Freedom: A Revolution of Body and Spirit by Ron Langerquist (Body, Faith, Mind, Spirituality)

Fearless (and Everything Max Lucado…Education, Faith, Healing, Self, Spirituality) by Max Lucado

How To See Yourself As You Really Are/Essence of the Heart Sutra (and Everything The Dalia Lama…Faith, Self) by The Dalai Lama

Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D. and How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life: Opening Your Heart to Confidence, Intimacy, and Joy by Susan Piver (and Everything Jampolsky and Piver…Faith, Healing, Mind, Self)

Money, and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Wealth, Health, and Happiness (and Everything The Law of Attraction and Money!) by Esther and Jerry Hicks

Mystical Traveler: How to Advance to a Higher Level of Spirituality (and Everything Sylvia Brown…Faith, Healing, Psychic Abilities, Self, Spirituality, Strong Woman) by Sylvia Brown

No Matter What! 9 Steps to Living the Life You Love (and Everything Lisa Nichols…Faith, Entrepreneurial, Healing, Law of Attraction, Self, Strong Woman) by Lisa Nichols

Notes from the Universe: New Perspectives from an Old Friend (and Everything Mike Dooley…Faith, Healing, Law of Attraction, Self) by Mike Dooley

Peace, Prosperity and the Coming Holocaust: The New Age Movement in Prophecy (and Everything Dave Hunt…Faith, Politics, Spirituality) by Dave Hunt

Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife  (and Everything Dr. Alexander…Afterlife, Faith, Healing, Self, Spirituality) by Eben Alexander, M.D.

The Answer: Grow Any Business, Achieve Financial Freedom, and Live an Extraordinary Life (and Everything John Assaraf…Entrepreneurial, Law of Attraction, Self) by John Assaraf and Murray Smith

Attraction: The Astonishing Power of Emotions (and Everything Hicks, Emotions, The Law of Attraction!) by Esther and Jerry Hicks

The Daily Bible in Chronological Order…and 3 More Bibles (Faith, Spiritual)

Attraction: The Law of Attraction/Ask and It Is Given (and Everything Esle Hicks…The Law of Attraction!) by Esther and Jerry Hicks

The Notebook (and Everything Alzheimer…Faith, Healing)  (Fiction) by Nicholas Sparks

The Secret by Rhonda Bryne

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

War Room: Prayer Is a Powerful Weapon by Chris Fabry

Additional On Abuse…Codependency, Narcissism, Trauma…and Healing

(Each page has loads of additional books (in every format), videos, instruction materials, and inspiration gift ideas.):

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (and Everything Melody Beattie…Abuse, Gratitude, Healing, Narcissism, Self) by Melody Beattie

I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings (and Everything Maya Angelo…Abuse, Healing, Strong Woman)  by Maya Angelou (Autobiographical)

I Am Malala: How One Girl Stood Up for Education and Changed the World (and Everything Malala…Abuse, Education, Politics, Self, Strong Woman, Survivor)by Malala Yousafzai

It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion (and Everything Beverly Engel…Abuse of Every Kind, Self, Survival) by Beverly Engel, LMFT

Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited (and Everything Sam Vaknin and Narcissism…Abuse, Healing, Self) by Sam Vaknin

Pathways to Recovery, A Strengths Recovery Self-Help Workbook

(and Everything Recovery…Faith, Healing, Self, Being Strong) by Priscilla Ridgway, Diane McDiarmid, Lori Davidson, Julie Bayes, and Sarah Ratzlaff

Power: Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse (and Everything Shahida Arabi and Narcissism…Abuse, Healing, Self) by Shahida Arabi

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (and Everything Mason and Kreger…Abuse, BPD, Healing, Narcissist, Self) by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

The Anger Control Workbook: Getting Through Treatment and Getting Back to Your Life (and Everything Concerning Anger…Abuse, Anger, Healing, Self) by Dr. Matthew McKay and Dr. Peter Rogers.

Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts – Becoming the Person You Want to Be by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter