‘Floating in Air’

A sample from Book 8

 Floating in Air
  
 I came around
to see change
 shortening the range‒
 just to see
all's the same
  
 so I float
in this air
here and there
 hoping for flair‒
 hearts open
gentle love's token
 but all's still broken
 ‒all's still forsaken
 eyes still closed
minds sealed‒
 that forever
round and round wheel
  
 so I'll reside here
just for a while
 give a little time
then off I'll fly
 forget
all this here try
 fully learning
no one can rearrange
 what's lost
in derange
 what refuses
to grow
 stay stuck
in naysayer's flow
  
 so here
I'll just float in air
 give a chance
a second
a third
 then off
I'll go
  
 hit the road
 seek places
where real love
flows
 without needing
chances to prove
 out right show‒ 
I won't just be there
 flowing freely in airs
desiring to share
 ‒easy will come
care
  
 yes, somewhere
out there
 lies a place
one face
overshadows
two-faced
 where real
the only deal
 ‒truth
over comes fool
this place
 I'll feel the overwhelming
need
to drool
  
 there‒ 
I'll come down
 stand on solid ground
 without a need
to just float in air
 for then
I'll truly feel a need
 to open up‒ 
for something
 care
feel life's breath
in share
 really be there
in that place
    somewhere

(November 18, 2015)—I came back home after being gone two years thinking I wasn’t the only one who has grown. I was mistaken. Just because you heal, doesn’t mean others have. You can go through all the motions, all the therapy, all the crying and yelling, then the calming and settling. That doesn’t mean those you left behind will do the same. It’s a funny thing…life.

I stopped attending a church. You know…a building of worship. I wasn’t getting what I needed in a building. It wasn’t there that I found the truth of God. It was in heart. It was in the good book. It was in the understanding that if I didn’t reach out to Him, truly reach out to Him, then I would never actually find Him. I see all around me that people attend a building, but never actually get to know who God really is. Shame. We can live our lives the way we want. That’s a given.

In my life, I’m a bit of many things. I don’t hide it. I have my personal world where I can love, be my little naughty, sexy self…who’s proven me wrong, except maybe, guys who think that’s all there is to me. Wrong.

I have my intellectual world where I study, explore, commentate, write, research, discuss. Some call that the intelligent side of me. I guess. It’s just who I am. I have my outspoken side. I used to not have this side. I was always quiet. Things changed. Many, especially, here in the South, don’t like this part of me. To each his/her own. I won’t change. I refuse to return to that quiet person I once was. What good does it do to remain locked in self when there is so much to share.

Back to my coming back home: Nothing has changed. There is no growth here. At least, it hasn’t been shown to me, yet, but I’m trusting in my journey. I have been given a lot in life. I’m grateful. I do know that the only person I owe it to is God. Without Him, I would not be here. Those of you who read me, know this to be true.

Those who are new to reading me—a small recap: In August, I was handed some news that floored me. I was divorced officially August 30, 2013. It wasn’t good. Though many who knew me before that didn’t believe what I began revealing. I was the victim of silent abuse, which got physical in 2005 (My family knew. They did nothing to help. They believed him. I caved in and made the marriage work.). It came to a head in 2012, verbal and physical abuse followed.

In June 2013, I couldn’t take the strife anymore and asked the VA for help. I started on a depression medication that enabled me to pack up and move out of town. I was warned by the battered shelter where I moved to, to not to seek custody of my son. [x] had revealed his true self and was too dangerous. Needless to say, the remainder of 2013 and all of 2014 was hell for me.

I had several relationships since. One lasting a year. Both relationships were of the same caliber as [x]: Mentally abusive. I was drawing that sort of thing to me because I was not healed. I was lonely. I didn’t care. Things have changed. In the mince of all of this, I wrote and wrote and wrote. My therapist, several in fact, have encouraged me to put my writings in books because there is not a lot written about silent abuse, there is even less written about a narcissist silent abuser (yes, there is a such thing).

I guess they think that having a writer write from the inside of such a thing is a great thing to study. They haven’t been the only ones to encourage this. So, through a lot of prayer, five books have emerged, which is why I’m back home, but that is not the only reason.

The news I received in August was truly a turning point for me. The depression medication did a number on my heart. Back in December 2014 my QT number on my EKG was 486. Sudden Death. I have always been one to stay in shape. Being that I have fibro and that it is important for me to stay fit, helps a lot. I smoke. I’m ready to quit. No, my therapist says, not until that number goes below 450 (normal). In August, it was 461. I have another test in December, then hopefully I’ll get a go to start my quit smoking journey.

Why I’m I telling you this? I often speak of tests that we go through and how our lives move on depends on how well we pass these tests. I’ve been put through quite a number of these tests. Before I learned to see them for what they are, I just went round and round. Some of my friends could attest to this…they constantly told me to get off that dead horse. Of course, I didn’t listen. We never do, until the Lord is ready for us to listen.

Since August, oh, the tests that I’ve been facing and, all the while, here I am trying to maintain a stress-free me. This hasn’t been easy. What is surprising is that every person who has brought more stress into my life knew my condition. Yet, that didn’t seem to phase them one bit. How is that? All of them, at least, I thought, cared about me. I still ponder over this part of the test. That’s where ‘Floating in Air’ comes from.

Sometimes, no matter how much we try, others won’t care one iota for us. It’s left to us and only us, as individuals, to totally trust in God and no one else. I began to see this particular test as just that. It’s like He was saying to me: I’m going to throw a huge curve ball at you, let’s see how you deal.

During parts of it, I haven’t dealt well. I have learned, through all of this, that when we don’t deal well, we get the damn test again. Hence, the round and round circle. Being 46 years old doesn’t help. You know the menopause phase of life. There’s still a bit of sadness there, too, but not the kind you think. It’s more of a disappointment kind of sadness. As I speak of in this piece of work, people don’t try to grow…they just seem stuck, and that is very sad to see. That stupid word drama got thrown at me again this morning. Yes, they are still stuck in that forever turning wheel.

A person who has healed, who has been down the darkest pit and clawed their way out, can’t help others who don’t try to help themselves. It doesn’t matter who they are. For me, it’s really sad because this involves all of my family. I can’t help them, and, at the same time, I can’t let them drag me back down there.

Wow…I thought today, this is a real hard test, but with God, I can’t fail, now can I? The point here: You’ve been there. You clawed. You screamed. You cried. You almost didn’t make it, but somehow…oh, there’s no somehow about it…with God, you made it. Yes, you made it. He’s now working through you, as I know He’s working through me. We passed the tests and we keep passing, even if we have a slip-up here and there. He’s given back to us our true, authentic self. Others, those who are still stuck, won’t like it. So. We are working on God’s time, not theirs.

So, for me…there are a few parts of me that I truly like. I didn’t have these parts before the darkness. I love my sexy self. I love my outspoken, in-your-face attitude. I love my independent self. I love the fact that I can walk away at any time without one iota of fear in my body. For me, there’s no devil in the world that will ever strip me of these qualities again.

Think really hard what God has returned to you. You went through the hell. You survived. He has rewarded you, even if you haven’t recognized it yet. As I ‘Float in Air,’ back home for a simple reason…when that reason is over, it won’t be hard to just pick up and leave. Nothing really is keeping me here, but me.

How are you dealing with your life? If you made it to where I am, you are your own person. It should be easy right now to just throw your hands up and say see ya…that’s when you know you are totally free. Believe me. I’m there. You deserve to be you. No one else can strip that from you once you’ve gotten through the roughest part. Do you. Don’t be afraid of the person God has given back to you: You! Your authentic self. So, don’t deny yourself that. I know I won’t ever deny myself my authentic self ever again. I’m worth it. So are you. Love the skin you’re in.

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