‘Aversion’

(April 8, 2019)—The commentary for my piece titled ‘Salvation’s Need’ I speak about salvation and God taking grace away if we go against Him. A friend called and told me that God does not take away grace. I beg you differ.

Ever since the incident with the Jeep, I have been reverted back to feeling like crap. I can’t seem to return to the good diet that was making me feel great, nor the tanning, nor the exercising. I’m told to get an attorney and sue these people, but, at the same time, that’s not what I’m supposed to do. Faith. I’m supposed to rely on faith. I’ve been battling with all of this lately.

I finished my vow. I’m supposed to wait now. And my relationship with the sweet man…what relationship? All my values, morals, principles are in question right now…every single thing I stand for! The voice of death has crossed my threshold several times in these last couple of months because I’m so tired of fighting, so tired of people lying to me. I’ve been in a battle per say.

I have been working late on my website and getting up late each day. I had gotten myself on a schedule, but that has been thrown out the window. I suddenly have that rush again…like I’m up against a clock. So, this morning after reading a few things on Facebook, I got my coffee and sat down. My Bible and writing tablet staring at me. The pull to cry came from way deep inside. And the tears started to fall. I started to feel sorry for myself. I see my sisters posting about their lives. My little sister and her family. I asked myself, ‘Where’s my joy? Where’s my family?’

 Aversion
  
 You† stripped me of life
 sent me into strife
 in order for me
to truly see the light
  
 I knelt...prayed for truth
 stripped of wisdom‒ 
made into a fool
 only to rise then fall in glue
 stuck in deceived...malice
 drowning in the body's surface
 lust took hold...every crevice
  
 my mind stuck in evil's drool
 lying, stealing...seeking revenge‒
 all evil's time in consume
 I surrounded myself‒ 
in the duel
 bathing in its fumes
 yelling, pulling, yanking
 trying to see truth
 ‒in all I assumed
  
 all its evilness‒ 
pulling me from the light
 pushing me‒ 
to take my very life
 over and over‒ 
keeping me in strife
 leaving...I think not!
laughing at my struggle‒ 
in fight
 holding me down from flight
 suffocating‒ 
blinding my sight
  
 I prayed to see truth
 now I see evil's embedded rules
 the play‒ 
leaving countless clues
 lust being its endless tool
 using love‒ 
in its game of fools
  
 Lord†, I see the aversion‒
 I see the message in truth
 in my mind‒ 
the careless insertion
 ‒troubled heart
sunk in its inclusion
  
 I know why they sink‒
 into drugs...sexual immorality
 they were too young
when it all begun
 to fight evil's manipulating reality
 get to the children first
  ‒You† showed me this
before any verse
 revealing truth‒ 
way before my coming doom
  
 then my 360...then the loop
 three adults in evil's coop
 the wreckage‒ 
I didn't know what to do
 for I was encaged, too
  
 get to the children first
  
 innocence‒ 
pulled from the light
 no strength
to put up a fight
 ‒growing up
with an inside strife
 splitting the mind
 evil...preventing
the thinking of twice
  
 Lord†, thank you
for the truth
 please clear my mind‒ 
fill me with You†
 evil strangles
all that's true
 I'd rather be filled with You†
 than lust's
    careless drool

Pity-party. I got my coffee and went to my prayer room. Romans. I underlined in red back in 2007 a lot of it and returned to it during my intervention, Book 12. Now today.

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities—His eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. For although they knew God, they neither gloried Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.—Romans 1:18-23

No. There’s no excuse. Back in 2009, I had a political website. I included thoughts on this in Book 2. In one article I covered, they talked about this evil man, a terrorist, who had been black-listed from several countries (meaning he couldn’t enter those countries…ever), yet there he was in Chicago giving conferences. A reporter interviewed him. In the article, he said he wasn’t a terrorist. He just got a hold of the children and taught them, then handed them over to the terrorist. He actually said this line—in order to create a terrorist, you have to get to the children first! He basically taught them HOW to be terrorist.

‘Aversion’…Of all the things that I included on that website and all the things I debated and wrote about, this one article sticks to my mind as clearly as if it were the day that I read it.

Fast-forward to 2018 and I watched a Tony Robbins’ video and he tells the audience, ‘Raise you hand if you have thoughts of suicide today.’ A number of hands go up. He walks to this young woman and in his sass-filled way says something like, ‘Why the fuck would you want to kill yourself, you’re too young?’ What she had to say silenced Robbins almost to tears. She was 21 years old. She said the country she was from, but I’ve forgotten…somewhere in Europe. It was the rest that won’t leave me. She said that in her village, sex was a means to love. At age 6, all the girls and boys in her village had to have sex with the adults. That’s how they were raised to show God’s love!

get to the children first—By getting to the children first, that evil whore the devil has created all the monsters in the world. For those who don’t have any protection, for those who lose their mind, in a way, to what happened to them as children…the devil has won. He robbed them of their innocence and, for many, they can’t get back to themselves. As the evil man said in that Chicago interview, the repetition of stripping away the innocence creates a person without a will to fight anything but what is drilled into their heads. It makes sense if you think about it.

I’ve read plenty of accounts of people who were kidnapped and held against their will for years…it’s the same with them. Some actually become manipulators themselves. Not all childhood abused victims become abusers themselves, but there’s a large number that do…those who never receive therapy or support. You can look at this from a therapeutic eye or from a Godly eye. From a Godly eye…the following three scriptures from Romans:

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.—Romans 1:24,25

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful justs. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.—Romans 1:26,27

Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, He gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.—Romans 1:28-32

In ‘Salvation’s Need’, I wrote: Go Deep! The deeper sins of ourselves is really what we have to tackle for forgiveness to totally come. For me: so far

1. Resentment
2. Jealousy
3. Selfishness

I add 2 more to that list:

4. Lust
5. Judgment

My confessions out loud. I’m not finished with Romans. The following 2 Scriptures were also screaming at me:

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you towards repentance? But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when His righteous judgment will be revealed.—Romans 2:1-5

GoGod ‘will give to each person according to what He has done.’ To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, He will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger. There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile; but glory, honor and peace for everyone who does good: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism.—Romans 2:6-11

In answer to my friend’s statement that God does not take back Grace…Romans 2:6-11. When we do things that go against what God wants from us, yes, He returns the favor in a very profound way. I’ve experienced this many times, as I’ve experienced His Grace many times.

Love. The Royal Law placed on our hearts. That evil whore does NOT want that! These are tests. Strong, strong tests. Going against love is that evil whore. My journey has led me down some dark places. I wailed…but…always a but…I asked to see truth. The only way to see the total of truth and write about it is to experience it first hand. That may sound like an excuse. It’s not. It’s the truth.

‘Aversion’…Lust can destroy everything that’s good in us. I’ve experienced this several times in my life. It’s not of God. It’s of the body. And it makes us feel good. That’s the intention. That evil whore knows what its doing. But as I’ve said so many times, God is more powerful than the devil. He allows these things to happen for us to seek Him.

Judgment can also destroy everything that’s good in us. I battle with this all the time because I write about abuse, its awful nature and what it does to us. How are we to defend ourselves against abuse without talking about those who abuse us? I’m told all the time ‘Give it to God.’ And I don’t. Instead, I judge. It’s clearly stated in the Bible…don’t judge. I fail over and over.

It hurts so much when people do us wrong. We don’t think. We act. Me…I write in the immediate. It tears me apart and I get this awful feel to call people out. It’s wrong. I’m not trusting in God. I’m acting on my own accord. I’m depending on the world instead of God.

This is so hard to write about. My sins. It’s so hard to let go and move on because those who do us wrong don’t see what they’ve done. They seem to move on without any remorse, without any penalties. That hurts even worse. We are stuck in that ‘Why me?’ place and we just want to curl up and give up…we want to end our lives because the fight gets fucking too hard! That evil whore is in its corner…ring, ring…winning the fight! And we are letting it!

God does pass judgment. Some of us get that judgment quick. I know I did wrong. Hence, the Jeep being taken away. My sulking is for my lack of judgment, for my sinfulness. I knew better yet I did it anyway. I just want to curl up and cry. Pray. That’s all that’s left. Or so I thought. Instead, I was compelled to write about it. Even though my vow is done, maybe that’s my assumption…only 12 books…maybe, it’s not. Maybe, it’s for the rest of my life that I’m supposed to write. I’m beginning to see that it is.

Assume. We assume a lot. We can’t really know the facts or truth without thinking Godly. When things go well, that’s God. When things go bad, that’s that evil whore. When I write every day, things tend to go well. When I stopped, backwards I go. Maybe, my calling is for life! Maybe, I had it all wrong. I’m to keep talking…keep speaking about God even though I have zero support, and my world keeps falling apart. Maybe, this whole business is one, big test of strength for me. Why do I keep saying Maybe? It is.

In order to heal, we have to tackle what brought us to that hurt in the first place. We can’t keep blaming other people. We can’t keep putting our hurt on other people. We have to understand that Royal Law of Love placed on our hearts and forgive each other, instead of canceling each other out. My writings are about what goes on in the mind of a woman. Truth in her mind…being this is my mind…it’s my truth.

Abuse is wrong. How do we go about healing without talking about what was done to us, without placing judgment on another person? That is hard to do. But we can’t judge others. It’s not our responsibility. Our responsibility is to pray and put all of our trust in God. To throw up our hands and float. It’s a battle. We are tested all the time. If we fail the test, back around we go. I stumble all the time. I’m human. My job is to get the fuck back up and keep going.

I want peace. I want a stable house. Facing my sins is the only way to get what I pray for. Forgiving myself for my short-comings is the only way love can enter my door. That goes for you as well. Because the Bible tells us so.