‘Knife’

A sample from Book 12

(April 21, 2018)—That knife becomes weaker when we gain the support of others, when we start to see the true meaning behind our life. That knife doesn’t come out that easy especially when you see everyone’s true disclosure.

There’s so much to say, then there’s nothing to say. I have this much on my mind: If they don’t want to see you, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, they won’t see you.

I tried calling my daughter. It appears that she’s changed her number. I think that odd because the words I last typed her in text were answers to words she said to me, but I’m held totally accountable. Why? Oh, because I’m 49 years old and should know better. I’m the mom…but that doesn’t come into affect when I’m called by my name instead of Mom. Just saying….

I’ve said a lot here on Facebook. I revealed a lot…but there’s a lot I haven’t revealed. So you only get a piece of the puzzle…never the whole picture. Why? Because I do have a life and part of that life is private as for everyone else. There’s a lot of pain I cover up…and, yes, there is still pain. There will always be pain because an entire portion of my life has been wiped out…and not by choice.

 Knife
  
 it was put in there‒ 
nice and tight
 when I move around
to the left, to the right
 it reveals its price
 ‒how it changed my life
 the strength it took‒ 
robbing my mind
 the way it makes me wanna fight
 even if it isn't right
 even if I said...say...things impolite
 I was...am...gonna fight
 ‒even while speaking of the light
  
 at times, I feel like a poltergeist
 a faded memory...sliced and diced
 forgotten the way I was
 forever entombed in what I've become
 not a homicide
 ‒a genocide of all that was nice
 womanly, motherly...dignified
 downgraded to a parasite
 ‒not fit for normal's life
  
 should I be lost in contrite
 bowed down in pity...outright
 or was I absolutely right
turning childlike
 begging for help‒ 
from Jesus Christ†
  
 who has the right to decide‒ 
I'm the sacrifice
 in order for them‒ 
to have their paradise
  
 who had the right‒ 
shift truth to lies
 bury this knife
in what used to be‒
 a mother, sister, daughter, wife
  
 in me...it so mystifies
 how everyone becomes tongue-tied
 when abuse is in transcribe
 ‒the victim screams in alive
 how extreme...me...it mortifies
 that, no matter which way‒ 
death...comes in die
 twist, twist, twist the knife
 gone daughter, sister, mother, wife
  
 rebuilding exemplified
the alibis become jives
 words in wisdom...just implied
 while words...wombs...rob the mind
 memories of building the first life‒
 took one times forty-five
  
 pull, pull, pull out the knife
time in modify
 is there another forty-five
 my, my, my how it mystifies
 what comes of‒ 
pulling out the knife

What I do reveal is the part of recovery and healing from such a thing that helps others. Why do I even go this far? Because I couldn’t find it for myself. No one wants to talk about it, even in person. Why? Our person gets violated: In body and mind. And the recovery from that is swept under the rug. That’s fucking ludicrous.

I love my daughter. Right now…she doesn’t think so. I do love her. I’m going the distance here because of that love. I love my sons. They don’t think so either. That is a hard cross to bear, but I get it. They still don’t understand what triggers are, what mine are, so they think everything I text them when those triggers are set off are true…when they are just a reaction to something they said that set off triggers. I believe they think what I just wrote is an excuse…anyone with this type of trigger effect knows that it is not an excuse.

‘Knife’…boy does that fucking knife go in deep! After a while, you learn the reason behind that depth. Others won’t understand this reason by the way. They think they do, but they don’t. How do you know this? You start to see the change in them. You start to see the reality of abuse in the rawest form: The person behind the abuse gets all the glory!This is not me stuck back there. This is me explaining how it plays out.

You can deny it all you want. The fact is the same: I’m still fucking alive!So that causes an issue apparently. I’m going to keep on living as long as God sees a purpose in me, so I think those who have buried my previous life just need to get use to the fact. This line of thought isn’t coming from just my life. I keep reading a lot of stories online from people going through the same thing.

This is such a give-me society that the parent who has the toughest time, the parent who has the weakest bones in a divorce seems to be the one crucified not just by their own children but by their siblings as well. I’ve written so much about this that its factual content is extremely frightening! My comparisons are sometimes labeled as exaggerations and down-right lies. I can live with that. I know better.

The manipulation of the mind is a serious thing.I’ve studied this for many years. I even wrote papers on it in college. Protecting the mind…your mind…is so very important. When you question things, those you are questioning want to find a better way of hiding what’s really there to protect themselves. I do not hold a PhD. I’m experienced. I have almost 50 years of it.

No way in hell I’m going to take a 20+ year old person and say—Oh, you know more than me, please enlighten me.They have book smarts. I had that, too. Street (life) smarts is a whole new game. It’s heartbreaking. It really is. To see the change in people when strife hits your door. Why do they change?

You change…but there’s good reason for that change. Your life is being or was fucked up by another person. Why can’t the people around you see this? I got this plenty of times: It’s your fault.How? is my question.

It’s complicated isn’t it? We turn to Christ and talk about Him and still go through dark spells. I’ve come to realize what those dark spells are, and when I speak of them, I’m labeled a hypocrite. How? Why? Oh the why questions do pile up, don’t they?

I would never, ever take what others type in text to me in response to my triggers and put them out in public. Never. Those responses aren’t their reality. So, why would one of them make my triggered responses public? Does that show who they truly are? Maybe. I don’t even share those responses with anyone because I know my triggers brought on those responses. I also know that it takes a certain level of intelligence to recognize that. That’s years of therapy by the way.

To judge another human being by those triggers is a lack of a lot of things, but most importantly it’s a lack of empathy, and in today’s world the lack of empathy seems to be common and that is one of the scariest things to recognize.Building a world where the young lack empathy is how control of the mind escalates into a world issue. It starts at home, in schools, in families…it starts small.

‘Knife’…the lack of empathy in those who should show it to us the most just drives in that knife deeper. How do we live with such a thing? One thing I know is that we must take care of our minds. If we have depression or any kind of disorder that affects our mind directly, we have to take care of that first. We can’t keep putting ourselves in positions where those triggers are going to keep being set off because of this lack of empathy. This isn’t an excuse. This is a fact.

How is it that those closest to us…I mean our siblings and children…don’t take the time to understand what we, as survivors, are going through on a day-to-day deal? One explanation that I’ve come up with is that they don’t want this thing…i.e. abuse…to follow them around. They don’t want others to know that this happened in their family.

It seems it is easier to deny it, to label the one directly involved as insane or crazy than to stand up and say to the person that caused it—You were wrong! How dare you treat her/him like that?! We won’t stand for this!They don’t do this. And because they don’t do this, the person dealing with the games in the mind just gets worse…just has to go through more years of trying to deal. This is all a very sad reality in life.

That knife just keeps getting twisted around and those doing the twisting fail to realize what they are doing. It doesn’t pay anymore to say—I’m sorry—because they can’t see the wrong in their actions. For me, I’ve been dealing with all this since 2011. My strife continues I guess because I write about my journey through all of this.

After all of this time, I just want to be accepted for who I am now.I want the understanding that the person who did the abuse gets. Is that too much to ask? I am a mother of three children. Mom is what I am to them. I don’t deserve the disrespect…but fuck that…it has nothing to do with what I deserve. You don’t disrespect your mother!That’s just the bottom line.

You have to come to terms with I bowed down enough to the wrong people.The only person any of us bow down to is God. When people say they don’t believe in Jesus or they disrespect their own mother, that speaks about them, not you. I’ve taken all of this and put it on my own shoulders for too long. We all have to realize that we are the adults and when we are disrespected, we do not bow down to those disrespecting.

Our own children? Look around. What is wrong? What is the problem? Too many young adults not respecting adults who have lived way longer than them!? I don’t deserve respect. I demand it or you just can’t be in my life. Is that mean? Is that being a bad mother? Is that being a bad parent in general? Maybe to you. Not to me.

‘Knife’…I’ve had it pushed in deep enough. The truth is better than the lie.If those willing to live by the lie are going to crucify you because you do not want to play by their rules, then so be it. You are only given one life. You only have one shot of getting it right. You only have one shot of doing what you are supposed to do.

Are you going to place your bet on what others think you should do or believe in? Are you going to place your bet on fables that have been proven wrong again and again over hundreds and hundreds of years? Just to fit in? Just to go with the crowd? Just to have love of people who were not there when you needed them the most? My answers to these questions are obvious. I’m willing to sacrifice it all for what’s put into my heart. I don’t have to remove the knife. God is doing that.

Love the skin you’re in. You are beautiful and what ever strife you are currently in, pray, give it to God. He doesn’t work on our time. But His time is always right on time. This, in almost 50 years on this earth, I can say is absolutely correct.

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