‘Ex-foliate My Soul’

A sample from Book 12

 Ex‒foliate My Soul
  
 I still hear the winds blow
 I know, still, from and to
the direction it goes
 I depend, too much
on human souls
 ‒directing my emotional role
  
 these feet‒ 
so stuck in muddy ground
 I've lost the feelings
of being found
 trying to understand
hear...every sound
 I've stumbled away
from which I'm bound
  
 raise me up, oh Lord†
 unclog‒ 
these maggot-filled holes
 rub your sands deeply in‒
 pull me out
as you wash away clean
 the filth
of this infested bowl
 help me again‒ 
feel fit and lean
 where I once had strength
of a lion
 ‒the sanctuary
of a crystal clear stream
  
 enlighten my heart, sweet Jesus†
 relight this drive
I so carelessly left behind
 enrich my soul
wash away the corrode
 so me, in ease, I can stand
on my own two feet
 understand words in my heart
 having strength to sort
 ‒without falling apart
  
 yes, Lord†, raise my tempo back up
 so I can feel, once more
the unstoppable me
 ‒that pure individual feeling
of being free
 without the need
of another's glee
  
 I open me up‒ 
mind, body, soul
 I'm, again, letting go
 so...whichever the winds blow
 matter is not needed
 for I'll be free again‒
 in the total of
letting go

(April 3, 2018)—(February 26-27, 2018)—I did have the courage. Everything I said was going to happen in my books…have! That’s because the heart and intuition never lies. Never! You just have to have the guts to follow both and not waiver because of nay-sayers who want nothing more than to see you fail.

Jesus Teaches Nicodemus—…Jesus answered, ‘I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to Spirit. You should not be surprised at My saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit. I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heave—the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in Him may have eternal life.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.—John 3:1-21

Oh how my soul is stubborn. The subject of being saved is on my mind. I still have a ways to go. I think to totally be saved, we have to have peace where nothing bothers us. These days my family still piss me off. My children still piss me off. This shouldn’t happen if my heart was totally saved. Yes, I know I’m being tested. To the freaking max. I failed another test today. Back around I go.

I sit here wanting to post something basically because Facebook keeps reminding me that my fans are waiting to hear from me! How can a website be better than this? I wish I had a secretary like Facebook. Really. I do.

The word crazy came up again. From my daughter. My mother did some outlandish things during my lifetime. Never in a million years would have called her crazy. Of course, my dad called her crazy! So I know where my daughter is getting her point of view. Shame.The things people will do to make themselves look good.Me…hell, I write about it! That’s my gift. I didn’t write about my kids for a long time because they asked me not to. Did my life change? Nope. Same ole. Same ole. Truth. We fall. We get back up.

When I start not reacting to bullshit, then I know I won’t fall again. Do I weaken my faith because I keep falling down. Nope. That’s my fault. Do I weaken my faith when my daughter says she doesn’t believe in Jesus and the reason for that is me? Nope. Because I know it is not my fault. Do I weaken my faith when I’m labeled crazy or when I’m totally left out of everything my family does? Hell no!

These are tests. I don’t weaken my faith, but I sure can cuss someone out. I did that to my daughter. Why? I’m sick and tired of being this person who is not her mother and not her friend any more. I’m sick and tired of explaining myself. If my children want to praise their father. Let them. I do not have to. Period. I know what he did.

So does this still bother me? No. What bothers me is how my children still behave towards me…their mother. So. What now? Life goes on. You can’t force people to see your view point. You can’t force people to care about you. They don’t give a shit about you. All you can concentrate on is you. They will call you selfish by the way. Deal with it.

Here’s my point: Evil wants to get under your skin. Evil wants you to hate and be angry. Evil wants you to deny Christ. Evil wants you to hurt other people…and evil will use what ever it can to do these things. My children are my weakest point. So evil is using them to break me. Will evil win? Hell to the no. I have a mighty warrior to shield me even when I’m in doubt because I pray, I ask for help. That’s my take on things and I’m sticking to it!

‘Exfoliate My Soul’ was written in February of this year. I know my battle. This prayer is one of many I’ve written to help self preservation. We can’t do it alone.

Today, evil had a field day with me. I didn’t sleep last night. I was at the VA getting upset with them, then I got my daughter’s smart ass remark. I let her have it. I didn’t turn my children into selfish people. I went through hell and fought my way out of it. Enough said. I have 12 books explaining just how fucked up those years were and how hard the struggle was.

Who my children become is totally up to them. I’m tired of waiting for them to come around. I’m tired of explaining to my therapist how I’m dealing with their behavior towards me and my reaction towards their behavior. I fucking went through that shit! That which is written in those 12 books. I’m still here. If my family want me to ever write nice things, then they are going to have to earn that shit. I’m not going to sugarcoat it any longer.

They haven’t talked to me since I’ve been talking nice…writing nothing about them. Nothing has changed. This…this kind of thing makes anyone mad. Hell yes it does. If you don’t try to better yourself, damn…what a wasted life, and the sad part is they don’t see how their behavior affects someone who has gone through the shit I wrote in those 12 books.

What in the hell is wrong with people? This has nothing to do with Jesus. This has nothing to do with God. It has everything to do with self respect. I’ve been losing my self respect for years now dealing with my kids. No more. A person can’t keep putting their mental health at risk to satisfy other people’s egos. That’s not being selfish. That’s being freaking sane!

I’m not getting nothing from any of my family. Nothing…then I’m expected to attend a graduation and two weddings back to back this year. How does that work? No, it’s not all about me. It is partly about me. I’ve done a lot to overcome health issues these last couple of years. If they don’t accommodate my issues, how the hell am I suppose to accommodate theirs? I think that’s a fair question and a fair expectation!

Is abuse so accepted in this world that the victim of it all gets cased aside without remorse? Has this world become that empty? Just wondering…I guess when I accept this as fact, then people will say I’m saved. That will never happen. Abuse is wrong. The way people treat victims of abuse is wrong.

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