‘Disillusionment’

A sample from Book 11

 Disillusionment  

 she stood there shaking
 what have I done‒
 causing this imagined awakening
 ‒have I forsaken
 forgive me, Lord†
ease this hating
  
 in her silence
her heart opened
 ‒a simple token
 what truly lived
in this here maiden
  
 she watched them all
 as the stones began to fall
 ‒to her knees
no longer...she felt tall
 over and over
coming at her skin‒
 little hard balls
  
 then a sudden stall
stopped...silence
 a mere moment
she recalled
  
 the dust settled
 her tightly closed eyes opened
 upon her dress‒
 tiny red splattered drops dribbled
 her pain...tiny tickles
 what...a blink before‒ 
it seemed a fable
  
 her fear lifted‒  
was this a gift
 her sins shifting
to ultimate's forgiveness
 ‒this she did not know
 but the sudden stop
 ‒she felt her heart unfold
  
 cast your stone‒ 
if clean...your bones
  
 she heard the voice
then the made choice
 as all around
stone after stone
 hit...not her
but the ground
  
 silence remained
she still knelt‒
 in blood stains
 as shifting of feet
the sudden in retreat
  
 silence...not daring
to lift her head
 then a shadow overcame the red
 a hand reached out
get up child
 a mere whisper without shout
  
 strength from Him† came
 as her legs rose
 ‒her eyes did the same
  
 His† light dried her tears
 all became so clear‒ 
her heart felt clean
 in His† eyes...she seen‒ 
truth's unending scene
 her life redeemed
it wasn't a dream
 ‒pure and serene
forever...trust in Him†
 she proclaimed
 for the Lord†...by her side
remained

(January 11, 2017)—The mind is easily fooled if we let it. People see what they want to see, and they will believe what they want to believe. You cannot change anyone. You can preach and teach, but you still cannot change a soul. Only God can do that.

You can pray for another. That is the right thing to do. God hears your prayers, but nothing will totally change for them until they…that person you are praying for…opens up their own heart. No, you should not stop praying for them. Praying for another is one of the best places in peace to be.

I hear a lot, and read a little these days about the state of the political affairs. I have written about the political scene during my denial and isolation stage. I have been battling with the introduction to the book I wrote about the history of the United States. I was going about it the wrong way. He [the sweet man] opened my eyes to this the last couple of days.

For over a week now, I was writing this introduction in my head and it was tailored more towards the politics. Wrong direction. We got into our politics, then it hit me: Why are we debating, heated…I might add, over something we have no control over?At the same time, I had been feeling weak physically because of my change of eating habits and the fatigue has kept me from my exercise routine, which led to the ultimate…which I call the elephant.

Explanation: I read a book years ago about a guy who discovered his brain was full of tumors. He knew he was going to die. He took that information and used it to better others as he moved closer to his end. When he spoke to audiences, he referred to his tumors as the elephant in the room as not to constantly bring up the term tumor. I began using the term to refer to the biggest pain I experience…this undefined and unexplained pain that occurs behind my breast bone. It strikes me at the oddest of times without much warning.

I had a tummy tuck in 2007 to help myself with this pain. My stomach muscles had dramatically weakened after [three] births and I couldn’t do anything myself to strengthen them. The tummy tuck was the last measure after countless drugs and countless doctors who wouldn’t help me. Since that operation, the elephant does not come so often, but when it does, it is absolute. I can’t get myself up by myself. Each breath is painful. I have trouble standing, sitting, laying.

I had one of those moments last night. My daughter came…she’s experienced the elephant all of her life, so she knew how to handle me, how to touch me…basically, how to deal. I did my Relief, then I did the Aleve. (I have refrained from heavy pain medication for going on four years now!) I sat, stood, sat again while she did laundry, then we tried a recipe for portabella mushrooms. It came out very good, then we sat again and began our intellectual conversation on art and society in general. He remained quiet. I, then, thought of using the tens unit. It worked enough that when she left, I had more mobility, then when she came. I laid down, then I got stuck again. That forced him and I to interact. I cried.

He already knew.

I made my first bone soup as well last night. Funny how things sound unfamiliar, but when you think of it, you’ve always known it…just by a different name. The bone soup Dr. Wahls speaks of in her book is the same thing as the vege soup we make down here and put in a ham bone for taste. I made mine with turkey necks, any wilted greens I had (which completely dissolved after about four hours of very low cooking), a little seasoning and some other veges. It smelled so good I decided to have me a cup, then another.

I don’t know if it was a combination of all that I did, but the pain began fading. I’m still sore, but what a relief it was last night. Was it the bone soup? Or was it, as he said, the peace in my head that I regained? Could be both. This all led me to the Bible this morning, which took me to Psalm 6 and 7, which as you have read above answered questions I had about our debate over politics, then I was compelled to write about Psalm 7, hence the work ‘Disillusionment.’

How many others have fought over the politics of today? Why? How many out there have lost relationships over the politics here in America? Why? Why are we allowing politics to tear us apart?

Over and over I read in the Bible how Jesus had beef with politicians and religious leaders. He didn’t trust them and warned over and over about them. So, I ask again, why are we allowing politics to tear us apart? Judgment. I write about this a lot. In my darkness, I placed judgment a lot. I beat myself up at times because I fear I was wrong in doing so, but judging actions is different from judging people themselves, right? Do we really know? Here’s Psalm 7.

Between each verse, I’ll briefly write what I wrote in the margins of my Bible. This is what I needed to see this morning. You may not see the same thing. That’s okay.

O Lord my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me, or they will tear me like a lion and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me….

The words save and deliver…are key here. If we don’t ask God to protect us from haters, guess what, they will get to us and we will tear ourselves up with that useless mind-talk, i.e. that evil whore gets in and plays its tricks.

…O Lord my God, if I have done this and there is guilt on my hands—if I have done evil to him who is at peace with me or without cause have robbed my foe—then let my enemy pursue and overtake me; let him trample my life to the ground and make me sleep in the dust….

To me this means that if you have hated or offended someone and they have forgiven you, admit your guilt and don’t covet behind some useless lie that just leads to more useless lies, then take the punishment. If you did something wrong, don’t blame others, suck it up butter cup and deal with the karma. To me, the sooner you do this, the sooner you can move on to a more purer heart and an easier ride. Shame is just for the moment. Guilt…buried deep inside…last a life time if you can’t ante up to it. Release the burden. Trust in yourself, in those around you, in God…let forgiveness heal you.

It took me a very long time to know this. I feel deep inside I’m not completely in the absolute of forgiveness, but it’s coming. How do I know this? I have this person who lives with me who constantly reminds me that if I truly have faith in God, then have faith in God! True.

…Arise, O Lord, in your anger; rise up against the rage of my enemies. Awake, my God; decree justice. Let the assembled peoples gather around you. Rule over them from on high; let the Lord judge the peoples. Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High. O righteous God, who searches minds and hearts, bring to an end the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure….

The line—Rule over them…let the Lord judge the peoples—struck me hard. So did the line—end the violence of the wicked….Only God can judge. Even though we don’t like a person, it doesn’t give us the right to judge them. We judge actions. As a mother and teacher this is something that’s very important. Have you ever heard the rule…don’t tell a child they are bad, tell them their actions were bad? This is the same all around.

I see through all this political mess that we are all being sucked into something we should have defenses up against…that of judging humans, instead of their actions. We pray for the person. We ask God to intervene. Answer this: How can anyone change for the better if everyone is constantly coming at them with hate? Makes your eyebrows go up, doesn’t it?

My shield [sovereign] is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart. God is a righteous judge, a God who expresses His wrath every day. If he does not relent, he [if a man does not] will sharpen his sword; he will bend and string his bow. He has prepared his deadly weapons; he makes ready his flaming arrows….

The lines—God is a righteous judge, a God who expresses His wrath every day….Do you believe that? I see that if a man does not seek God, if he keeps in anger, he grows anger and wars come about, people constantly stuck in fighting, hate and evil. If there’s constant back and forth bickering and fussing, then how are we ever going to find peace?

Many say—Well, I gave it to God and nothing happened. Yeah, right! You thought that just because you said a prayer…all would be well immediately! Sorry, it doesn’t freaking work that way. Do you know how big this world is? Everyone has to wait their turn. Or didn’t you get that memo!?

He who is pregnant with evil and conceives trouble gives birth to disillusionment. He who digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit he has made….

A big one here—He who is pregnant with evil and conceives trouble gives birth to disillusionment….Hence, my title today.

Do you see anymore clown sightings? How about all those police shootings…where are the videos now? Where did that all go? Okay, how about all that mess with the Clinton’s? What happened to that? What happened to that boy who claimed to be Bill Clinton’s son? Where is he? What about Black Lives Matter? What happened to them? All that racism…what happened to it? I know I’m sitting in an apartment with him. Where’s the police or haters today? Are they going to arrest us for being together? Is it not the individual mixed up in all that hate that has to deal with their own soul?

Just wondering….

Where’s all the clowns? Isn’t it odd how all that just disappeared? Do you really think the Russians did all that? It is possible. So where does that leave us? Hating Russia! Again! We all know that there’s always…always an enemy. It’s amazing to me how all is now focused on Russia, and Islam is now quiet! What happened to the icicle people? Are they still killing everyone? Everyone is so focused on two men: The Russian and U.S.A. President elect that no one is asking about the rest! Why?

…The trouble he causes recoils on himself; his violence comes down on his own head. I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High….

These two last verses says it all and completely answers my questions. What he does today to wrong another will eventually return back to him! Have you been played? In all this mumbo-jumbo political B.S…the clowns, the police shootings, all those killings in schools and theaters for the past [four]+ years, all the racism topics…everything! Everything! Have we all been played? Ask yourself…what the hell is going on? Why are we all suddenly concentrating on two men when there has been so much strife put on us from all directions?

I’m not judging here. I’m just stating facts: There’s good and evil. There’s God and the devil. We know that both exist. They both exist! What’s good and what’s evil? Can you answer that? Here’s my answer: Criticize if you wish. Islam’s agenda is and has always been clearly stated: Rid the world of democracy and Christianity! They’ve proven this to be fact by killing Christians because they are Christians, no crimes, just the fact that these people are Christians…i.e. they believed in Jesus Christ.

If we are to have peace, then why aren’t we addressing the real of the out-of-the-box agenda? Is it really about the Russians and the Americans? Or is it just a smoke screen? I leave you with that. You have to be right as an individual first. You have to know if you were given a choice: Do I love God? Or, do I side with greed, hate, etc., etc., i.e. evil? I’ve already made my decision: I side with God! How about you?

P.S. Can you tell me which Biblical story ‘Disillusionment’ is about?

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