‘What Comes Out’

 What Comes Out
  
 she weighted
the things she's said
 ‒those retaliating words
 she weighted
the things she's done
 thinking it all hard love
 but it was anger
 ‒acting out
over another's danger
  
 what makes you do
these things?
  
 she pondered the question
 the only answer: retaliation
 she bowed her head
in confession
 responding to those living
in secret
 putting her in the dark...deeper
  
 she weighted
her lost of control
 ‒all man things took their toll
 grabbing at her in hold
 her...letting it all
use her in bold
  
 anger's put her in the red
 shaped thoughts in head
 then actions without thought
 knowing the wrong
in every heart beat
 then came further heat
  
 she weighted
all these things
 knowing too late always rings
 seeking truth
sets off anger in sing
 it's her life
not just some fling
  
 she sighed just a bit
thinking these things
 anger's become a distraction
 at times
giving satisfaction
 ‒the evil whore's demolition
  
 she bowed her head
in greater confession
 this her greatest sin
 one...with‒ 
she no longer
wants to blend
 control‒ 
a fight she's determined
to win
 ‒using gratitude
from God's† den‒
 the only way to contend
 ‒be put in the light
from way deep within

(April 27, 2019)―There are 2 large garbage cans that came with the house I live in. When we first moved in, they were in the corner of the garage. The side where I park my car. My car door opens up to the wall side of the garage. I have boxes stacked in there, which I never unpacked also on the side where I park my car. About a month ago, we were told by the landlord that we had to clean up the backyard. After the winter, the pine needles and pine cones had added up. So, in order to make my job a little easier, I moved the garbage cans to the side of the house, inside the metal gate. Since, they were out of the way in the garage, I moved over some boxes, which made getting out of my car easier.

On garbage day this past week, the sweet man brought in the garbage cans from the road. I was grateful, except he put them back in the garage, moving the boxes back to where they were, which made getting out of my car difficult. Anger. I got out of my car. Yanked the garaged cans back outside and commenced to grabbing some empty boxes from his side of the garage and scattered them behind his vehicle. Why? At the time, and when he questioned me, to show him what being inconvenienced feels like.

My thinking: I am disabled. No, I’m not in a wheelchair or anything like that, but there are certain movements that I avoid. No, you will not notice. I’ve been living this way for so long that I can easily shield painful moments, and I know which way to turn or bend to avoid them. Having to twist to get out my car is not good for my body. Opening the door wide and getting out straight is the best way for me. These are things the men in my life had a hard time understanding. I’ve never faked being disabled. I hide it well. I cannot hide them when circumstances overpower me.

Yes, I let them. I will get into that later. Right now…Anger. I have let anger control me so much that it’s halted my journey in a way.

During this series of writings, I’ve been focusing on my sins. You may be asking why? Good question. At present, I don’t have a lot of followers or readers. My Facebook author page is slowly growing with 834 likes. I began this page in 2009! So, slow. I feel this burning desire to keep going, but I have this ‘What am I doing?’ feeling that creeps in.

A few days ago, I started up conversation with a friend from India who has been with me for a long time now. I asked him: What am I doing wrong that I can’t get people to like my stuff? Why am I not getting more support? I’ve been doing this for a long time now and it’s still a very lonely journey. And…this…my writing…is the primary reason (that’s what they tell me) that people exit my life. It’s almost like writing these writings is a bad thing to them. My friend, who always gives me spiritual insight, didn’t let me down. He said, ‘God’s testing you.’ Yes, I knew this. Then he reminded me about the fact that we are to give without ever expecting anything in return and we have to learn to control our emotions!

I have to write this paper for grad school and I have been throwing topics around, mostly focusing on abuse. He changed my mind, which brought me back to my confessional…dealing with what stands in my way of moving forward. (I matched my sins with those of the Seven Deadly Sins so that you can see why it is so important to change ourselves and move toward the greater of who we are meant to be.)

In ‘Salvation’s Need’, I began my list of confessions:

1. Resentment (Envy)
2. Jealousy (Envy)
3. Selfishness (Gluttony)

I add 2 more to that list in ‘Aversion’:

4. Lust
5. Judgment (Envy)

I add my sixth infraction: Anger (Wrath). It’s okay to feel angry as long as you don’t keep feeling it, as long as it doesn’t lead to violence. I’ve been battling anger since 2012. I would get upset before that but not angry…I mean the anger that I was in beginning in 2012 was beyond anything I’ve ever felt. And that’s where I’m leading you…FELT! It’s an interesting thing all of these Seven Deadly Sins are Emotions. You may think this is sissified, but sit up straight because Jesus didn’t think so:

Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. Nothing outside a man can make him ‘unclean’ by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him ‘unclean.’ Then the disciples came to Him and asked, ‘Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this?’ He replied, ‘Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots. Leave them; they are blind guides. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.’ Peter said, ‘Explain the parable to us.’ ‘Are you still so dull?’ Jesus asked him. ‘Don’t you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him ‘unclean’? For it doesn’t go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body.’ (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods ‘clean.’) He went on: ‘What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean.’ For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man ‘unclean.’―Matthew 15:10-20, Mark 7:14-23

‘What Comes Out’…Jesus says it right there that what comes out of us is what shapes our selves. This has been something I’ve battled with most of my life because some people try and fuck you up on purpose. I used to watch my mom and how she’d be working in the kitchen, canning or something, and she’d get frustrated and take it out on us kids, then my dad would come in and start yelling at her and frustrating her more. Or when she was working on a wedding cake (she made these very elaborate, beautiful wedding cakes) and she was in her zone, I mean happy and content. It was very rare that I saw her get frustrated when working on a cake. My dad never bothered her. No one did. See the difference? Emotions. And our emotions shape the world around us.

I always knew that I just didn’t want to feel bad, and I hated when someone fucked me up! As life went on, I saw more of this. Each time I had a baby (I had 3), I felt so good. No one came around to make me feel bad. No one. When I was writing my novels, no one came around to make me feel bad. It was when those moments that some people (no one in particular) would do something that I didn’t like and it started to irritate me. That irritation…if you let it grow, becomes anger!

Esther and Jerry Hicks have been writing about the Law of Attraction for years, way before The Secret ever came into play. Their writing focuses more on the spiritual aspect of this powerful law. In The Astonishing Power of Emotions, they focus on how our emotions shape our lives through the ever moving Law of Attraction.

The Law of Attraction says, ‘The essence of that which is like unto itself, is drawn.’ And what that means is: If I feel unappreciated because of circumstances that have recently occurred in my experiences, the Law of Attraction cannot now surround me with people who appreciate me. That would defy the Law of Attraction.

If I feel fat and unhappy about the way my body looks and feels, I cannot discover the process or state of mind that is necessary to achieve a good-feeling, good-looking body. That would defy the Law of Attraction. If I feel discouraged about my financial situation, it cannot improve. Improvement in the face of discouragement would defy the Law of Attraction. If I am angry because people have been taking advantage of me, lying to me, dishonoring me, and even defacing my property, no action that I can take can stop those unpleasant things from happening, for that would defy the Law of Attraction.

The Law of Attraction simply and accurately reflects back to you in a myriad of ways an accurate response to your vibrational output. In short, whatever is happening to you is a perfect vibrational match to the current vibration of our being―and the emotions that are present within you indicate that vibrational state of being.―from The Astonishing Power of Emotions by Esther and Jerry Hicks

I know this: Whatever I’m feeling, I become. You might ask: How can you become anger? Answer: I bring more things into my life that will make me angry! The devil lovvvvves this! You bet your ass it does! And this is always a test!

In my article, Ways Codependents React to Narcissists After a Breakup, I talk about attrition, which means: a wearing away or rubbing down by friction; a gradual diminution in number or strength due to constant stress; weakening; erosion; depreciation. This is what the devil is after, and it begins its journey byway of the lie, which, of course, leads us to angry.

‘What Comes Out’…The Bible was the first to tell us about the Law of Attraction. There are many, many verses that tell us to love, to feel good, to not be angry. And there are so many books to help us to understand the meaning behind the Law of Attraction. I have been studying this for a very long time. Wait…it’s coming….

Being angry only leads to strife. Like the result of my actions at the beginning of this writing: Stop playing games! was the result. Which wasn’t at all the intention. Hard love was the intention: You made my life harder. I’m going to show you how it feels. That was my initial thought, but it was done out of anger, so it brought more of that to me.

There is something I want to caution you about. You can’t have doubts. Not even the slightest bit. This is one of the hardest things for me. When we have doubt, it doesn’t matter how we feel, that doubt, opens those holes and what we are trying to manifest in our lives does not happen. It goes against the Art of Allowing!

You have to feel good about where you are going, what you are doing and leave doubt out! You have to float! I’ve written about this a lot. It is very hard to float. But you have to. You have to allow yourself to believe that what you conceived (what you want and desire) is yours! You can’t force it. You just have to relax and truly accept in the believing!

Once aware of the powerful Law of Attraction, many people make a conscious decision to be more in control of their own thoughts, for they have come to understand the power of focusing thought. People attempt to control and more effectively focus their thoughts through a variety of methods―ranging from hypnosis, or an attempt to control unconscious thoughts…to meditations, affirmations, and strong methods of mind control.

But there is a much easier way of going about the Deliberate Creation of your own experience and of fulfilling your intention for this joyous life experience, and that is an understanding and application of the Art of Allowing. It is the conscious, gentle guiding of your thoughts in the general direction of the things that you desire.―from The Astonishing Power of Emotions by Esther and Jerry Hicks

The Art of Allowing is the middle of the Conceive, Believe, and Receive. It is the believing fully that what you desire is already yours. That’s really hard when anger comes into play, but it’s very important. Jesus says that when we are angry, we must be grateful, happy with ourselves so that ‘What Comes Out’ is NOT anger, but peace. It ALL starts within. The vibrations that we emit comes back to us.

This is why dealing with our personal sins: actually admitting them in the first place, is so important if we want to change the direction in which our lives are going. This doesn’t mean hurting other people in the process. No, when you bring strife to other people, you are creating more strife for yourself and a halt to the true path of your life. Of course, I have written about it so many times that it says in the Bible that once you start walking the path laid out in the Bible, all your enemies disappear. That doesn’t mean they die and shit! It means that once you start living joyful, there isn’t any enemies around because you are sending out positive vibrations and attracting positive people!

You may look at my journey and say You’re a hypocrite! No, my journey has a purpose. You have to really read through My 12-Book Series to understand it. A lot of people have gone through the same journey as I. I just had to write about. So, to understand all the ups and downs that my life has gone through, you actually have to read the entire journey. I knew I was on the right path. How? Because of the following:

…when you are feeling proud of yourself, the feelings that you are experiencing are indicating alignment between the vibration (or thought) of your ‘Inner Being’ and the vibration (or thought) of you right here, right now. When you feel ashamed or embarrassed, those feelings indicate that you, in your now, are thinking thoughts about yourself that are very different from the thoughts that the Broader part of you is having about you.

Before your emotions can be meaningful to you―before you can allow them to give you the precise and perfect guidance that you are offering―you must understand that you are a Being with two points of perspective that are continually relating to each other. When you understand that your Inner Being, or the ‘expanded Being’ that you are becoming, stands as the furthermost culmination of life and constantly calls you forward to that, then you begin to understand the feeling of passion or eagerness that is present when you are allowing your movement toward your expanded self. And you also understand the feeling of being unfulfilled or of uneasiness when you are not allowing your movement toward your expanded self.

There is just no way of getting around it: You must allow yourself to be the Being that life is causing you to become if you are to feel joy. And unless you are feeling joy, you are not allowing yourself to be that which life has caused you to become.―from The Astonishing Power of Emotions by Esther and Jerry Hicks

As I write over and over again: FOLLOW YOUR HEART! If it feels good, it is where you are supposed to be. If you have doubt or you feel uncomfortable, you aren’t supposed to be there. Everything I’ve done on my journey was propelling me forward. I followed my heart no matter how crazy it seemed. Now, I feel a move coming. I knew I wouldn’t stay here. I didn’t unpack a lot of my things. In all of the up and down feelings I’ve had since I’ve moved in with the sweet man, I still felt it was right. I just fought it. Why? I was going against the codependency. Before I moved in with him, (Books 8 and 9), I was making progress fighting my codependency. Strange as it sounds, I was moved to move in with him. God was moving me. I was resisting. I wasn’t ready, but God’s time is not ours. So, I followed. In the last 3 years, there’s been much turmoil. I had something’s to learn. (Books 10, 11, and 12).

There’s a reason for everything! During this period, the Law of Attraction was not on my mind. Before this time, it was (all the time!). As you read those last 3 books, you’ll see the why. I wasn’t supposed to think. I was supposed to FEEL and write about it. I did. All of it led to me digging deep into dealing with my personal sins (my intervention…Book 12…and now my confessions), so that I can receive what God has in store for me. Truth: How can I fully talk about any of this if I hadn’t felt the depths of it totally? Makes sense to me.

You are going to feel anger dealing with trauma, abuse, death, divorce. You will. Just like the bargaining stage, you can’t stay there. For me, I dealt with narcissist, the separation from my children, the distance from my sisters, then the death of my mother. That evil whore the devil sure had a field day with me! But now, God has led me back to the Law of Attraction. He’s saying: ‘Karen, it’s time.’ And I’m ready, but I have to do my part!

Love the skin you are in. Be grateful for everything that you have, even if it is little. I don’t have much. I gave or sold just about everything I had. Be grateful that you are alive. Start finding ways to keep joy in your heart. I’m working on this, too. Don’t let negative people distract you from feeling joy. Forget about asking the questions of why? They will never tell you. Cause, frankly, I don’t think they know themselves. So, just work on you. God knows your heart. He does. Ask Him for help. Then wait in joy!