‘Shouldering Damage’

 
Shouldering Damage
  
 upon her shoulders
carries the weight–
 shouldering damage
from those who couldn't stay
 –a go-getter
they couldn't take
 she...never wanting‒ 
any kinda hate
 ‒that was never
her intended fate
  ‒she let love lead the way
 ending in heavy price's
to pay
  
 only in moments
she lived in sedate
 all them medical doctors
had to medicate
 she just needed room‒ 
a bit of space
 to grasp the idea
of her body ache
 never using it as an escape
 ‒it hurt...and she was its bait
  
 she knows she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –but others led her to fall
 not caring the damage at all
  
 upon her shoulders‒ 
she wears the cape
 an anti-depressant to mask
a different kinda ache
 –emotional chains
she couldn't tolerate
 a burning heart
left in saturate
 mixed with anger
lust and hate
 screaming
without intentional berate
 from love
that just couldn't stay
  
 then again‒ 
she let love be her mate
 a heart damaged‒ 
in too many ways
 –again...a turn in obliterate
 a brain burned in uncultivate
 all that damage‒ 
on her shoulders
in blissful weight
 men who couldn't bear
the cape
 of her physical‒ 
being in waste
  
 she knows she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –but others led her to fall
 not caring the damage at all
  
 she now wears‒ 
a suit of armor
from love's mate
 as the heavy scars from fake–
 I can't stay
you...I could only tolerate
 builds her face
straight to a destiny's fate–
 the writer in massive create
  
 she...to never deny God
in whatever she faced
 so she shoulders damage
left behind–
 by carelessness
and self hate
 building her rose‒ 
from a destroyer's
intentional state
  
 she knows‒ 
she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –others led her to fall
 not caring
the damage at all
  
 oh! how
she can stand tall–
 she picked herself up
from the fall
 using the rest of her life
in God's hall
 lost to true love's
missed call
 she knows‒ 
she gave it her all
 –it was not her
that caused
the fall!

(April 24, 21019)—I was sent to a heart specialist today. Although I’m 50, I’m always the youngest in the room when it comes to things like this. (I started saying this phrase back in 2013 when I returned to the VA. I was always the youngest in the room back then.) So, I’m sitting there going through Scriptures, keeping my mind occupied. I didn’t want to think about why I was there. Then I got called to the back. A slew of tests were ordered, including a monitor, which I’ll have to wear for a week.

I was there because an EKG came back abnormal. It’s not the first time. The very first time, I’m sitting in my therapist’s office and she told me I had a rash all over my skin. I tan so I didn’t realize it. The EKG read Sudden Death at the top. In the course of several months, I had four Sudden Death EKGs! I can’t even tell you what that does to a person’s mind. I had all kinds of thoughts racing: Did I do enough? Will my kids ever forgive me? Will I finish my books in time? Etc., etc.

I had an allergic reaction to an anti-depressant medication. I got on that medication in mid-2013 (Book 6). I struggled all through 2012 (Book 5) and the beginning of 2013 dealing with separation and divorce. The end of a 20-year marriage with no explanation to why. I was very angry. I couldn’t handle what was happening to me. I couldn’t handle what was being said to me in anger. I couldn’t hand all of this plus the physical pain I was constantly in.

I tanned and worked out hard. I forced myself to feel the physical pain, so the emotional pain would be less. The nights were the worse. I got on dating sites…started up some fling relationships based on sex. I did whatever I could to lessen the emotional hurricane I couldn’t get out of. The nights crippled me. They were long…long…I couldn’t bear them. During the day, I dreaded the thought of them. I kept myself busy writing and posting on Facebook. I wanted everyone to know my anger, what this man was doing to me. I roared and roared loud!

By mid-2013, I received the divorce in the mail. I needed anything to help me gain my strength. I got this feeling of run in me and I began packing, but each memory tore me up. That’s when I forced myself to the VA, to a therapist. That’s when I learned about Silent Abuse, Narcissism. That’s when I got medication to numb me, so I could move on. By late 2014 (Book 7), the damage was done. All because of a narcissist. A valve in my heart is permanently damaged by the allergic reaction! There’s nothing that can fix it.

In a couple weeks, I’ll meet with my neurologist. I’ve been experiencing vertigo and dizziness for a while now. A number of MRIs were done. Three small spots show that between 2016 and 2019 (Books 9, 11, and 12) I suffered a small stroke. Another relationship. Another narcissist. Anxiety. A lot of it. My mother being sick. My children still fighting me…that was all me and codependency. Them giving some hard love. Me finally beating codependency. My mom dying. Stress. That sixth sense constantly telling me something was wrong. Denial. Rage. Verbal and mental abuse. Turmoil. The physical damage that no one can repair. And the men walk away. Like nothing happened. It’s all my fault.

‘Shouldering Damage’…In my 12-book series, I talk about how all this happened. I just gave you a brief summary. In Power, Shahida Arabi writes:

Many survivors ask why their narcissist doesn’t hoover or ‘miss’ them, but the reality is that the narcissist has no emotional capacity to be attached. A part of the narcissist closed off a long time ago, for reasons and causes that were way before you ever entered the picture (which is why I stress it is ‘absolutely not your fault’ how your partner behaves towards you).

Although I don’t advise doing this as this can be triggering looking at any online forum where people with NPD talk about their mindsets or reading a book by someone who is a sociopath and narcissist is alarming and devastating. The reality that survivors don’t wish to believe because it is so heartbreaking…is that people with NPD feel a void where emotions would normally be and cannot experience real human emotions like love and empathy.

Narcissists feel a very shallow, watered-down version of normal human emotions except for rage and envy, which they feel with intensity. Narcissists will unfortunately never be able to connect to another human being due to this emotional numbness—he may ‘fake’ it well in the beginning, but the connection will reveal itself to be false. If they have been emotionally and/or physically violent towards you, they will be violent towards another. If they have triangulated you, they will triangulate someone else. The abusive cycle never ends….

They don’t care. And that hurts in so many ways for me because they are responsible for this damage. I have to live with that. They get to go on and damage someone else. I’ve always said that mental abuse should carry jail time. Mental abuse has led to my physical damage that can never be repaired. How do I deal? I write. This has been a part of my therapy since I was a little girl. I watched my father verbally abuse my mother and I began to hide behind books at first, then journaling.

‘Shouldering Damage’…We can’t let anger control us. We get angry. That is very normal, but as I sat in the waiting room of that heart specialist today and I read Scripture, I noticed the others sitting in that waiting room. I’m terrified of wrinkling up. I really am. But I want to know that age, too. I just don’t want to be there alone.

I had a reading yesterday. It’s my third since 2012. I use the same lady. She’s always been right on cue. Yes, I’m a child of God, and when I first had a reading, I felt that it was directed by God because I wasn’t listening to anyone else. What she told me that first time eased my mind in so many ways. The second reading wasn’t any different.

This reading was different. I wasn’t prepared for it. I didn’t have any questions written down. I just entered it blind. The whole thing was pretty much about me. I am to become stronger in the public eye, get more assure of myself. It was all about me. There was no mention of a fella coming into my life. I fully understand that, but it also makes me sad. I had rebuilt myself, dove into my playful, sexy self. Right now, that’s been broken. It’s like she doesn’t live here anymore. Or on hold.

It’s a totally different feeling than when my marriage ended. Boy, I just wanted to play. I don’t this time. I feel that I’m to get busy working. I’m diving into my website, building it. I have a serious paper to write for grad school. I’m making plans. All this damage caused by men…I can’t let it stop me. And neither should you.

‘Shouldering Damage’…As I said many times in my books, ‘He doesn’t get to win!’ So, now I say, ‘They don’t get to win!’ I’ve done a lot in my life. I always get left after I’ve achieved something. In my marriage, I self-published a novel in 2004 then reedited in 2012. By the end of 2011, I had six chapbooks published. The ex was supposed to build frames for the covers. He asked for the covers then they just sat on the corner and never got touched. Soon after…separation then divorce. The same repeated itself. I completed my books and had them all published by the end of 2018. Relationship ended. The narcissist doesn’t like you achieving more than them.

My work got criticized by these two men. My person got heavily criticized. My self-esteem got tarnished. My will was trapped by the horrible words said to me. For a while, I let this eat me up. I let it suffocate me. Then…I said, ‘No More!’ I have a goal. I have things I want to do. I want to get my PhD. I want to help abused women. I want to leave something greater than myself behind.

The hell with all this selfishness from people who can’t care about another human being’s well-being! ‘How dare them say such things to me?!’ ‘How dare them try and stop me from achieving my dreams?!’ ‘How dare them use me is such a selfish way?’ No! They don’t get to do that. The one thing I’ve learned from the first fall is that no matter how much I love, if someone doesn’t feel the same, they never will. If they want to go with other women, go! I always said I will never stand in a man’s way like that. Go! It’s just not worth it.

The Narcissist Personality type will never feel empathy. They damaged me. ‘So!’ is all they think. Or the best one, ‘You’re faking!’ I have to personally turn it all around and use that hurt to become a better person, to create something from that pain. And I am. Oh, they don’t like it. The narcissists that affected my life. ‘Don’t write about me.’ is the constant demand, yet they affected my life. They don’t see that. They don’t comprehend that. And it really is none of my business. What IS my business is how it affected me, and how I move on to better myself because of it. I write…about my personal journey. I will write how they affected my life.

‘Shouldering Damage’…You can’t control anyone. As Arabi says above, the narcissist can’t feel empathy. They just don’t care. They pretend. For me, I have had four of these personality types in my life. I really do not know what a normal relationship would be. I certainly do NOT want to attract anymore of these kinds of people to my life. So, maybe that’s why the sexy me has gone away. I mourn for her. I do. But I don’t think my body can handle anymore damage!

You have to decide what you can take. Loving the hard is possible. It helps if you are physically healthy to do that. I never was. Both of the last two Narcs knew this and they still did what they did. They don’t care. It’s not for us to try and understand. Sometimes, it’s best just to harden the heart and walk away. Leave it all to experience and stories to tell later.

Me, personally, I wanted that long marriage where I’m sitting with him in rocking chairs and he turns to me and says, ‘Remember when….’ I really wanted that. Having that someone to really know me…and letting me really know him. It seems like that kind of relationship is a thing of the past for me.

For you, heal. Get my books and learn what you are dealing with and how to get your heart straight. I had to go through it again to break the codependency. That was really important to me. That’s book 12. Don’t settle. Our hearts can mistaken lust for love really good. Then you’ll fall right back into the Narc trap. Read everything you can about this kind of person. Watch for the red flags.

Love the skin you are in. The damage these men leave behind is devastating, but we can rise above it. We can pray that they find their salvation before God calls them home. They will have to answer to Him for what they did to us. There IS NO getting around that one. We all die. It’s a shame they don’t comprehend that. Amen.

Take a look at My 12-Book Series page. Read a little about each book. Drop me a message. I’d love to hear from you….k.e. leger