‘Depths of Heart’

A sample from Book 11

 Depths of Heart
  
 protecting self‒ 
not letting any other
 put it on a shelf
 seems to be utmost important
 ‒above anything else
  
 for in self
happiness lies
 rises high
above health
any amount of wealth
 ‒pulling the heart
out of hell
 out of the darkest well
  
 for in truth heart dwells
 untied from man's inhuman belt
 released from whatever shelf
man tries to impel
 keeping the heart from melt
 ‒happiness locked in a cell
  
 get out, get out
see yourself‒
 way deep inside
where happiness compels
 in heart
where it truly swells

(May 6, 2017)—I had a rough day. Anxiety, panic attack, depression, pain…these things make you see a lot of what you don’t want to see. Unconditional love and free-will reveal so much in yourself and in others.

My story continues. It isn’t always roses and wine. No one’s story is. Sharing is easier than holding it in. I did a video as well. Come to my page to see…give it a like, share it. Be merciful with grace. We are not all super stars. Most of us are just treading waters and trying not to drown…love the skin you are in. You, and me, are worth it. Even if our illnesses mask it. We are still worth it.

They will eat but not have enough; they will engage in prostitution but not increase, because they have deserted the Lord to give themselves to prostitution, to old wine and new, which take away the understanding of My people. They consult a wooden idol and are answered by a stick of wood. A spirit of prostitution leads them astray; they are unfaithful to their God. They sacrifice on the mountaintops and burn offerings on the hills, under oaks, poplar and terebinih, where the shades is pleasant. Therefore your daughters turn to prostitution and your daughters-in-law to adultery. I will not punish your daughters when they turn to prostitution, nor your daughters-in-law when they commit adultery, because the men themselves consort with harlots and sacrifice with shrine prostitutes—a people without understanding will come to ruin!

Though you commit adultery, O Israel, let not Judah become guilty. ‘Do not go to Gilgal; do not go up to Beth Aven.’ And do not swear, ‘As surely as the Lord lives!’ The Israelites are stubborn, like a stubborn heifer. How then can the Lord pasture them like lambs in a meadow? Ephraim is joined to idols; leave him alone! Even when their drinks are gone, they continue their prostitution; their rulers dearly love shameful ways. A whirlwind will sweep them away, and their sacrifices will bring them shame.—Hosea 4:10-19

I wrote ‘Depths of Heart’ after reading the above passage from Hosea this morning. I woke up feeling like it wasn’t going to be a good day. I prayed. Yesterday was a great day, then something came in the night and stole my light. I fought it all day. I made a video, which I posted here [Facebook] and my writing is a bit revealing. I’m told I shouldn’t write so much about my life and that I should expect strife if I do. I guess I have to accept that.

This is the journey which I’m led to. It is not for the faint of heart. Life never is. I’m told often that I’m a liar, even though I know I haven’t lied intentionally about anything. I don’t make stories up. I see life through my eyes. I’m told I’m a miss know it all and that I don’t take others’ feelings into account. I’m told a lot of things. All these things come from those who are supposed to love me the most…but their love comes with conditions. When we are angry, we often say things we don’t mean. When we are hurt, we often say things we don’t mean. They still hurt. I’m no better from this grave sin. I commit it, too.

Today’s events in my life are exactly what Hosea talks about. I found out I have to have surgery on some teeth I’ve been trying to save. I felt this agonizing doom all the way home, then I come home and it just got worse.

Anxiety took over leading to a panic attack because I knew the pain was going to follow…and it did. Right behind my right ear like a bolt of lightening…but what was worse was the caring nature I received, then my anger because of other things and the anger that was thrown back at me.

Hosea talks about committing adultery, about prostitution. These terms are used throughout the Bible and many take these the wrong way. Curse me. I really don’t give a fuck right now. I hate when people can’t think. Using the Bible literally is wrong. The Bible was written in parables…I’ve written this before…and is designed to make you think!

Adultery: sexual intercourse between a married person and one other than the lawful spouse

Prostitute: one who performs sexual acts with others for pay; to offer oneself or another for sexual acts in return for pay; to devote oneself or one’s talents to an unworthy cause

Throughout the Bible, many things are compared to these two terms: Adultery and prostitution. Especially, when it comes to countries. They are often referred to as women, and then their behaviors are described with such terms. Why? Good question and I’m sure there are many scholarly papers on the topic.

For simple reference, I’m going to give a simple answer. Sex was on the fucking brain…and men wrote the Bible, so they were scorned or caught doing what they shouldn’t have done and a woman dissed him in some kind of way. Go on, now you can curse me!This is the normal of how men are.They are scorned, then women are the worse thing on Earth…and they expect every woman to have those same kinds of qualities.

A lot of men are looking for that innocent, quiet woman who can do no wrong to be their wife…then they screw them over.Happens every time…and/or those kinds of women are the ones who get abused the most and the worse, next to the woman who stands up for herself, then gets beats down because she’s a drama queen. Go figure! Yes, I’m in a sarcastic kind of mood. It’s May. Domestic awareness month.

The Lord tells through Hosea that He will not punish the women for their mistakes, but the men instead. Why? Most people don’t commit sin unless someone first leads them to sin.The person leading a person to sin is more at sin because they didn’t stand in the way of sin. Am I right? But he’s just not talking about people fucking the wrong people here. He’s basically talking about all who are unfaithful to the Lord.

If you yell and cuss your woman down, you are going against the Lord…and vise-versa.He’s saying here that you can’t pretend to know the Lord, then commit sin. Of course, that’s right. All can be applied to this one passage if you think about it. You can’t say you love God, then go kill in His name. You can’t say you are saved and meet someone else’s hostility with your own.

How are you saved when you have anger still in your heart?You can’t say you are with the Lord and allow homeless people to be homeless, etc., etc. This passage…I read this morning. When I pulled into my complex today after the dentist, I stopped by the mail.

I should back up a minute. There is this community of homeless people who have made camp outside the gate of our complex. Yesterday, I had to go into the office to request that some things be fixed in my apartment. The lady made a comment about the homeless saying that she’s trying to get rid of them and has called the cops several time. She actually said this—They have rights! Can you believe that? I didn’t say anything and walked out.

When I read the above passage this morning, something said to me to bring them water. I have several cases in my trunk. I thought of this, but when I left this morning, instead of doing this, I just left.

This afternoon, I noticed through my rear-view mirror this woman sitting on the sidewalk crying. I could tell she was homeless. I pulled out to go to my apartment, but something made me stop. I turned around, parked, and got out of the car. I got two bottles of water and brought them to her. She was dirty and full of sores.

I didn’t know what to do. I asked her if she was okay. She said no. Stupid question, Karen…then she goes into this childlike description of how the other homeless people had beaten her up and was taking all of her things. She mentioned some cats and a friend’s stuff. The friend was in jail. She grieved for the loss of her things saying that she didn’t care about most of it, but she had a few sentimental items (some stuff cats) that meant a lot and how one of the homeless people lied about stealing this stuffed cat.

Through all of this, what caught me the most was—My friends…well I thought they were my friends. Betrayal is everywhere. There was nothing I could actually do for the woman. I felt sorry, but a little bit aggravated because I was left without any money and the thought of losing my home, which I eventually left, but I found a way.

I prayed with the strongest belief and I found a way. When I moved, I had stuff, but still no money. I found a way. For two and a half years, I struggled to find money, to find jobs I didn’t want, to get what me and my daughter needed. I struggled through severe pain in my neck and back. I struggled because we weren’t going to be on the street…and I thought of this as I’m talking to this woman.

There I am all dressed up with a Caddy and she’s all dirty and her spirit is stripped. I was selfish thinking that could have been me. If I had not struggled and prayed so hard, that could have been me. Why did I have such breaks and she didn’t? I’m not kidding. I was thinking of these things while she was telling me her story.

We can’t help everyone…but each of us can help ourselves. As Hosea says, we tend to prostitute ourselves, instead of valuing ourselves. When we love God, we value ourselves. When we don’t, we give up in life.

The thought for me to give up crossed my mind so many times…but, for me, to think, and then to do it, is two totally different things. I love God too much. I have too much faith to not want to at least try. Those who don’t even try, don’t have any faith. They may say they have faith, but they truly don’t believe it. I have my moments.

In this pre-menopause bullshit, I have been having a lot of moments…but I don’t lose my faith. It just seems that way. In these moments, I learn a lot about those around me. It’s sad to learn such things.

There are not many people who truly have faith in God. I don’t mean to say that in an offending manner. Just because we cry or scream or just lose it doesn’t mean we don’t love God or know Him. I know Him…and I know He will pick me up. He knows I’m a stubborn damn child, so He gives me my space. That doesn’t mean those around me have to condemn me for me needing that space.

If I’m feeding you and sheltering you without asking for anything in return, and then you belittle me, or beat me up, or break my things, or steal my stuff, what kind of person does that makes you?

I went to my car and gathered about five dollars in ones and my cup of ice and brought it to the woman. She gladly accepted the cup of ice, but refused over and over again to take my money. I wanted to cry. She said she could easily get food. Her little community shared these makeshift canopies and bedding and helped out getting food…then they turned around and beat her up and broke her things and stole what little possessions she owned.

Is that who we have become as a people? We use up people until they are totally broken, then we throw them away? We take advantage of the good hearts until their hearts turn hard and cold?

The world is a very ugly place. There’s earth everywhere, yet people aren’t allowed to live in their cars. They aren’t allowed to lived in all of these abandoned homes. They aren’t even allowed to live in a makeshift tent by a fence. People aren’t allowed to live safe. They aren’t allowed to feel protected, even when they are upset. Instead, anger and hate replaces—I’m saved.

What have we become? We have prostituted ourselves to the highest bidder, and when that fails, we move on to prostitute ourselves to the next one who comes along. The fear of God has been replaced with sins we don’t think He sees. Who are we kidding? Surely not Him. He sees all.

My night ended with me coming out of an anxiety attack, giving a gift that wasn’t received with any grace only to be given a gift I refused because it just didn’t make any sense. You can’t mask hurt given byway of prostitution. Just saying….

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