‘Source’

A sample from Book 11

  Source
  
 she waits‒ 
closes her eyes
 breathes deep
 ‒her face tingles
her heart races
 her palms sweat‒
 a heat under her skin
rises...coming quick
  
 shh...she repeats to herself
  
 each sound
each speck of light

 builds the burning

she fights
  
 shh...again and again
  
 don't do it...not again
 she begs repeatedly
  
 settle down, please
  
 begging, begging

   the exploding need 
 
 building, building
  
 forcing her mouth closed
 forcing her body steal
 ‒as tears stream down her face
  
 begging, begging
  
 can't you see...anyone
 can't you see
I'm trying, trying...
 my grip is slipping...
  
 as she loses control‒
 her mouth yells
or her tears fall
 ‒no matter who's around
 down, down, down
she falls
  
 back to a child‒ 
innocent, broken
 just for a while
  
 'til she regains
strengthens
 to go
one more round
in life's paradigm
 where between herself
and herself
she fights
  
 hoping, hoping
  
 the next time‒ 
she'll steady the line
 ‒that too often...
 breaks her holding-together vine

(March 19, 2017)—If you’ve reached out to me lately and I haven’t responded, this post will explain why. I promise to get back to you real soon. Sometimes, we have to deal with what’s happening in the moment and set everything else aside. I’m back to being able to write, which is a start.

My heart is racing at the moment. Why? It is not easy to admit a weakness. It’s even harder to share it with others publicly…but this is part of my journey. This is part of the healing process for me…what I experience, and it’s become part of what I do.

Sharing my journey doesn’t get any easier as time goes by, but it helps me see my road…where I’ve been and where I’m going. So, I do hope that, in some way, it helps you, too, as well as someone you may know who is going through the same thing. If you are compelled, please share, like my page, like the post, and/or comment. The books are coming…I just have to get through this small hurdle: Anxiety.

My chosen topic of the day…A lot of people are afraid to admit their weaknesses. They are afraid others will use it against them or fire them from their job or see them as incompetent. They are right. I’ve personally experienced this in so many ways.

Those who are insecure about themselves and don’t want or can’t look at themselves tend to want to hurt others for no reason but to make themselves feel good in some crazy way. So, they take other’s weaknesses and exploit it. It’s called bullying…and cyber-bullying has caused many teens and adults to take their own lives. There’s something here a lot of people are either not seeing or afraid to admit: Those who cause these people to take their own lives are actually murderers.

They have committed a grave sin and in the end, they will have to answer to this horrible crime. That’s just how it is. It may seem like they get away with it, but they don’t. It’s a horrible, very deep mark on their heart.

(I had to sneak the above thought in because we are all responsible for each other. If we cause harm to come to another, we are at fault, even if we didn’t pull the trigger. We are all guilty of this at some point in our lives. Learning from our mistakes makes us who we are and who we become. Just saying….)

Why am I talking about this today? Because there are some things that need, absolutely need to be talked about. Bullying is one of them. I don’t hear much about the victim in the way that I see bullying. Of course, I try not to read a lot on negative things because it affects me too much. So, I’ll try not to sound negative here. Positive is what the victims of abuse…which includes bullying…need desperately. I’m disabled. This is no secret. One thing that I suffer from is anxiety.

A while back I watched a video where this young girl spoke about her anxiety. Thumbs up! I know that wasn’t easy. I’m still unable to put myself out there in the form of video. (I’m working on that weakness!)

I personally have had anxiety for years. It’s been so bad at times that I’ve brought myself to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack only to be told it was an anxiety attack! That’s how hard it hits a person. That’s how much it hurts physically. I didn’t expect to suffer the anxiety attacks I have been having. It all hit me so suddenly, hence, my piece this morning, ‘Source.’

When a person is going through one of these attacks, their mind is focusing on what is happening in their body and nothing else. They don’t want this to happen to them. It’s not a mental disease. They aren’t crazy…but it does have to deal with the mind. We are all not built the same. That’s what makes us so unique.

God is so awesome when you think about how He created us. Individuals. Some of us are so strong that we can handle anything that comes our way naturally. Some of us break easily not because we are weak-minded or something like that. It’s just the way God made us. Soft. Think about it. What would the world be like if everyone on the planet was hard and could handle anything? What would the world be like if everyone was soft? The way God made this world offers a complete balance. It’s pretty grand if you think of it in that way.

So, us soft-hearted people don’t handle things so well…and if something dramatic happens to us like abuse in some way or a terrible accident or we witness something horrible, it affects us deeply. Not because we are weak, but because we feel really deep about things.

Too much of these incidents most often leads us soft-hearted individuals to suffer from PTSD and/or depression, which we get the added bonus of anxiety. We are left with triggers that sets the whole thing in motion. We don’t do this on purpose.

Why would we do something like this to ourselves on purpose?That’s a silly and ignorant thing to think for those who do think we do this on purpose. These people are really selfish and inconsiderate human beings, and the type of person those of us who are soft don’t need in our lives because they don’t want to understand.

We have to learn to take care of ourselves. We have to learn what we can and can’t handle. We have to recognize the triggers that sets everything in motion. Stress…anxiety kills, brings on dis-ease, which those of us who are soft have to avoid at all cost.

For me, there’s nothing worse than having an anxiety attack and losing control and saying something to someone I love, something I totally don’t mean, or behaving in a way that is totally not me. For me, after an anxiety attack, my spirit goes down because if I remember what I did, I’m devastated because I really didn’t mean it and I’ve hurt someone without meaning to. That right there is the direct route to deep depression!

So why do we have anxiety? I wish I knew. I know those of us who don’t handle stress well, we have anxiety if we like it or not. How does a person deal with stress? That’s another I wish I knew.

For me, it’s been really hard to not feel stress. Of course, I did move 1600 miles from home and that alone is a stressful thing. In order to cope, I’ve given in and accepted additional medication to help me deal. I’ve been a natural-healing type of person for a while now, only taking what is absolutely necessary.

In some situations, we can’t handle it alone. I had to put my girl-power pride aside and admit I need extra help until our things arrive, our house is in order, my body totally adjusts to this new environment, and we’re back on track with our business.

I’m not too comfortable with this additional medication, but, sometimes, you have to do what you have to do in order to get back into balance. It’s taking care of yourself the best way you can with what you have at hand. It’s not easy especially when you have other things that factor in and anxiety is at the bottom of the list. Those of us who go through all of this, we deal. We have no choice. Yes, God is always at the forefront of my journey. So, this new medication, I look at as a token from Him for the moment until I get my system straight again.

I watched The Secret again last night and I see that as another small token. I had been fighting myself and, in turn, fighting everything else. The law of attraction. Peace. Calm. Gratefulness. It all brings to you good things. Anxiety does the exact opposite. So, if you suffer from anxiety, you are so not alone. I’m very interested in learning how you deal.

I’m still getting settled in my new environment, so I haven’t yet had a chance to explore all the opportunities that the VA here has to offer, which is a lot. Horse therapy is on the list. So is combat trauma aerobics. I’ve not been in combat, but my disability demands slow, slow stretching. These are a few options for me so that I can get off this additional medication as quickly as possible. Drop me a message on ways you deal with anxiety…I’m open to all options.

‘Source’…we are the source of our own happiness, peace, love, gratefulness…for some of us, it comes easy. For some of us, it doesn’t. Don’t give up. Do what you love. Be yourself. Seek help if you must. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a therapist or someone other than a friend or family member to talk to. Don’t…please don’t try and fight this on your own. You are not alone. Love the skin you’re in.

Get Your Copy Today!

Paperback: The Metamorphosis of Self —Breaking Bread…Freeing Self from the Cocoon of Codependency Book 11

Kindle: The Metamorphosis of Self —Breaking Bread…Freeing Self from the Cocoon of Codependency Book 11