‘Salvation’s Need’

 Salvation's Need
  
 test after test
I have failed
 my 360
to the cross...nailed
 You† brought people to me
 in their time of weak
 ‒salvation
I failed to help them seek
  
 instead, I buried them deep
 words from my mouth
did seep
 actions
I didn't allow to creep
 in self
I curled up in weep
  
 my time has come and sailed
 out of all of it
I tend to bail
 turning my back
not wanting to see
 how another's picture
on them...creeps
 I just give up and flee
  
 whatever awakens
this ignorance of me
 strip it
take it from me
 strengthen me
help me to see
 keep me from feeling sorry
lost in self pity
  
 Lord†, this part of me
 that lived unselfishly
 I lost
please return it to me
 without this lumpy throat
from way down deep
 without fears and anxiety
 help me open my mouth
speak
 in words of calm
humility, peace
without selfish
insecurities

(April 5, 2019)―I’m going to write about what has been happening to me lately. First, I’m going to write the events and how it has affected me, then I’m going to write what I see as the bigger picture; hence, ‘Salvation’s Need.’ After I write this, I’m going to get dressed, call a Lyft, and go pick up my Caddy from the Jeep dealership.

On March 5, I came home with a brand new Jeep. I posted pictures on my Facebook wall and called it Grace. It was. But…there is always a but. God gives, but He can always take away! I switched over my insurance and tinted the windows (I have light sensitivity and it looks cool!). Admittance: All the while I drove the Jeep, I never had the same feeling of driving the Caddy. It just felt different.

On March 15, after going for my speed walk, the dealership called and told me I needed a co-signer. My world flipped. It was the second time in two months that I discovered something and it paralyzed me. The first I can never talk about. This one I will.

When I went in to see if I qualified for a trade in (on March 5), I clearly made it known that I did not want to test-drive any vehicle unless I was approved to purchase the vehicle on my own! with NO co-signer! I clearly made it known that I was disabled and couldn’t handle being lied to. I didn’t even want to fill in an application unless I was qualified. They assured me over and over that I WAS qualified and approved. When I got into a Jeep to test-drive, the salesperson clearly said that the Jeep was mine. He said, ‘It’s yours.’ I made it a point to over and over ask them, ‘Are you sure?’ (I guess that right there set me up for failure, because it clearly shows my doubt.) I spent hours at the dealership as they did all the paperwork. When I sat with the finance guy, again I kept asking if he was sure I didn’t need a cosigner. Over and over, he assured me I didn’t. We signed all the paperwork and when he handed me my copies, including the yellow owner ship paper, I asked again if the Jeep was truly mine. He said, ‘Yes. Congratulations!’ During the middle of all of this, they even had me ring this huge bell deal announcing to everyone that I was the owner of a brand new car!

So, when they called me on the 15th, it was a total admittance of a LIE! I was down for the count…frozen in bed for two days. I texted my older son if he could cosign, something I did NOT want to do, knowing he couldn’t do it. Of course, he texted back to say that. I was frozen even more. I cannot tell you why things like this affect me so much. Rejection, lies, deception…outright freezes my whole body. It’s like this lightening of fire burns through my veins and I can’t move, my mind goes totally blank like I’m a child and I stare for hours, then I either wither or turn into this raging bitch saying things I don’t mean.

This time…I went quiet. Cried and cried. Feeling totally helpless. Finally my youngest son texted me, I had difficulty talking to anyone over the phone. He tried to help. He’s young, too young to make a difference. But he said something that perked me up a bit. He told me, in so many words, that he depended on me being strong. So, I started building my website and put everything else out of my mind.

I did this for a couple of days. Still, I couldn’t answer the phone unless it was the VA. By Sunday, when I hadn’t received the call from the dealership to pick up the paperwork to get my license plate, my emotions went into overdrive. I didn’t receive any notice in the mail saying that they didn’t find a financer and the website my son led me to, the Nevada DMV law page, clearly stated that a dealership had 20 days to find one or they had to finance the car themselves, so clearly this dealership must know the law or they would not have let me drive off the lot with all the signed paperwork, saying the car was outright mine!

I heard nothing…and my thoughts went into overdrive and I couldn’t handle it anymore, so around midnight, I drove myself to the hospital. Once I got there, everything seemed to send me into panic. I couldn’t stop crying and I became irate with everything. They finally sat me in one of those emergency room rooms, but everything made me feel worse. ‘Why did they put me in here?’ ‘I have an emotional issue, why are they making it worse?’ Every single noise: the beeping of machines to the laughter and chatting of the nurses made me get more agitated.

A nurse wanted me to change my clothes. I refused. I just knew as soon as they got a hold of my clothes, they would strap me down to some bed. I became really irate with anyone who tried to talk to me. I just sat in this chair and stared at the floor…crying out of control. A nurse came in and proceeded to remove those tubes from the walls. It confused me at first, but then I got it…she was removing anything that I may use to attempt to kill myself with!

Finally, the doctor came in. I became irate with him as well. I told him I didn’t want to talk to anyone but a social worker. ‘Who the hell was he to address me?!’ ‘He doesn’t know a damn thing about my mind!’ They wanted to give me drugs to calm me. I didn’t want anything! Finally, a lady identifying herself as a social worker came in, pulled up a chair, sent everyone out and talked. She calmed me down. We talked for a good while and she convinced me to take their drugs, and try and eat something. She also convinced me to sign myself in. I think if I wouldn’t have volunteered to admit myself, they were prepared to do it against my will!

I still didn’t give up my clothes. They willed me upstairs…with a poe-poe escorting us to the psych ward. They had to do all this administrative stuff, including taking my clothes…I was scared to death and tired. The drugs were wearing off and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and I didn’t. For all of Monday, I was in the dazes, but fully awake. You don’t get to keep your phone on the psych ward, so I was just present mostly in body.

They don’t do much for people who just can’t handle being alone in the mist of sadness. It’s like this…wait it out…sort of thing.

By Tuesday, I knew my situation wasn’t changing, but there was no use staying in the hospital and they allowed me to check myself out. It was useless staying there because the VA is a training hospital and all they have is interns scaring you to death with their constant probing questions and constant need to have their pens moving on a page, instead of actually being human. Anyway, no one knew I was missing.

I still didn’t feel any better. ‘Why would these people do this to me?’ I clearly made it known what I wanted. ‘Why would they play with my emotions like this?’ I just couldn’t understand the whole situation.

On the 28th, I had 3 appointments at the VA. Two ear and one therapy. I so needed the therapy. But the inner ear deal was extremely important. Whatever was going on with me when it comes to being dizzy constantly had subsided, but as soon as all this car stress started, the dizziness started. I wrote about this already on my Facebook author page, so I’m not going to go into detail again. You can always go there to read about it.

I finished up my appointments, and because the doctors made me more dizzy, I just wanted to go home and sleep. The new Jeep was no where’s to be found. I even had the parking attendant help me try to find it. I kept thinking, ‘This can’t be happening.’ I was so freaking messed up! I went back into the hospital, back up to my therapist. Someone had to help me! She was with another patient. At this point, I was so dizzy and upset…and getting more and more upset. I sat down on the first floor of the hospital and cried and cried. No one came help me. Why would they?! Then I called the dealership…they towed my car and left me with no means of transportation! I was so irate with them…the PTSD took completely over! They kept hanging up on me. Then they ignored me altogether, which made matters worse. I had NO ONE to call!

My phone battery was at 9% and it was the only day I forget my charger was THAT day! Go figure! I went outside and sat down and cried more. By then it was after 5. Then Walter came. I met him while I was in the hospital. We didn’t talk much in there except for comments about the news. He calmed me down. We talked for quite a while then a security guard came by us and I asked about getting a cab. I didn’t have any cash on me and Walter told me that cabs took debit cards.

It took another hour before a cab finally came. Fifty dollars to get home. I was out of my mind with devastation. There was someone living in my house. Someone I helped for over two years. Someone I gave up everything for. And because I caught him in a lie…he totally went from ‘I love you so much’ one week to ‘We are done’…all because other women were more important than the woman who gave up her whole life for him. Now this….

I buried myself between my bed and website. Distraught. No other word for it. I have zero support network. No help.

An old friend finally called to help this past Saturday. The dealership today informs me they won’t take his cosign. This is after I got the courage to email the attorney general’s office, my representative, an attorney, every VA organization that SAYS they help veterans! No one. All they do is talk!

Today, when I opened my Bible, they following verse titled, ‘Self-Righteousness Condemned,’ stuck out. Yet another part of my Bible that I had not read since 2007. Again, the red underlining, which I did back then, indicates this.

Then Jesus said to the crowds and to His disciples: ‘The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.

Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries [that is, boxes containing Scripture verses, worn on forehead and arm] wide and the tassels on their garments long; they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; they love to be greeted in the marketplace and to have men call them ‘Rabbi.’

But you are not to be called ‘Rabbi,’ for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. And do not call anyone on earth ‘father,’ for you have one Father, and He is in heaven. Nor are you to be called ‘teacher,’ for you have one Teacher, the Christ. The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.―Matthew 23:1-12, Mark 12:38-40, Luke 20:45-47

For weeks, I kept asking why do good people get the shaft? No matter what you do for others, no one returns the favor. No matter how pissed I got…and I did with the sweet man because of his drastic change because of my NEEDING honesty…I sulked in my bed instead…drowning in my self-pity and constant dizziness.

There’s another side to this…another side that’s much more deeper…spiritual…when I stopped looking at ME.

On the opposite page of the above verse, stood out these words: For many are invited, but few are chosen. I heard this line from total strangers who just started talking to me, and I’ve turned to this line many times in different parts of the Bible. I choked up when I read that. Then something made me turn the page and the following verse titled, ‘Lesson From Fig Tree,’ (another verse underlined in red) made me want to cry.

In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter remembered and said to Jesus, ‘Rabbi, look! The fig tree You cursed has withered!’ When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. ‘How did the fig tree wither so quickly?’ they asked.

Jesus replied, ‘I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.’ And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.’―Matthew 21:20-23, Mark 11:20-26 From Bethany to Jerusalem

For the past four years, my faith has been shaky. You can clearly see this in the last three books I’ve written. The sweet man said to me one day, ‘Instead of writing it all, why don’t you just say it to me.’ I have a hard time with this. I really do.

I’m adding posts to my website. I’m including 10 samples from each book. I was up all night including samples from Book 8. This book is dedicated to the sweet man. A lot of strife happened this year. I fell in love with him. Too hard. Too soon. And he betrayed me for the first time. He broke my heart. I moved away.

Titles such as ‘Floating in Air,’ ‘Keynotes of Woman,’ ‘Pity-Party Me Not,’ and ‘Brave Hearts,’ stuck out to me to include on my website. I had to read them all over last night. Thoughts like unconditional love, something both the sweet man and I were after since the moment we met hit me hard. Thoughts like letting another person be who they are and loving them all the same…thoughts I so carelessly forgot about while I moved in my own self drive.

Then Walter. During our conversation, he told me he was currently homeless and he would have to sleep out on the street until pay day. In my head, I thought that would be days away. When I got home, I got ready for bed and sat on the sofa. Frozen. It was cold outside. There I was with a sofa and fireplace and food in the cabinet and Walter would be sleeping outside. He said he would stay in the hospital waiting room watching TV as long as he could.

‘Call the hospital and send a Lyft.’ That’s what popped up in my head. Then I sat there for a long time picturing this event happening. I often do this…then I never act. I wanted so bad to do this, but just couldn’t. I didn’t. ‘What would the sweet man say? He wouldn’t like this very much. Can I handle a stranger in my house for days? I don’t know him. I can’t trust him.’ All these thoughts kept racing through my mind.

The next day, I realized…IT WAS PAY DAY! It would have only been for the night! Test…FAILED!

It was the last of several tests I’ve failed at. There was a huge one concerning the sweet man. I didn’t handle it very well. I yelled and chanted for hours, days on in, like some crazy woman. I didn’t want to handle it! But…always a but. That was the whole reason WHY I got the Jeep…the Grace I received! What God gives, He can take away!

In my mind, with that Jeep was my get-away car. I could just pack it up and leave everything behind! Wrong! That wasn’t the reason I was given it. Sometimes, we are given things to do that’s really hard…and giving up is so much easier than completing what we are supposed to do. If you don’t understand this, then you aren’t a very good Christian. I am fully aware of these things. I fall short every time!

My 360…it involved returning to those who affected my life during my darkness. This 360 began at the end of 2015. I write about it in detail in Book 8. The sweet man was the last of those in my 360. I failed. Then Walter. Again I failed. Hence, ‘Salvation’s Need.’

I watched a movie a couple of nights ago titled An Interview With God. Sure, it’s just a movie, but if you know the Bible…it spoke of truth. Good deeds are important. Living life free of sin is important. But…after Jesus…Salvation is the true desire. Forgiveness! Putting our selfishness aside for others. I failed.

In attempting to do what I was supposed to do with the sweet man…I went about it the wrong way. I knew this. I was forcing an issue that was only for God to do. I wasn’t patient. I didn’t trust in my faith. I made it all worse. The strange thing: I already knew it. I kept saying to myself that I wasn’t cut out for this type of thing. Right! That’s not for us to decide.

I did this rush deal on more than several occasions…acting like a complete crazy person. I knew I lost the Grace. I felt it. I didn’t help those in need, so why should I receive Grace. I’ve written about this. The tests will get harder and harder once we pass the easy ones. I completed my vow. Oh! Boy! I think I have proven that I’m worthy of something bigger than I can handle! Spiritual beings will understand this totally.

I gave myself up. ‘Do what You want with me, Lord.’ I already said it. You can’t take something like that back. You say it…then you better mean it because He will take you for your word. He doesn’t think twice.

I failed, so I lost the Grace. I don’t want to go back over there and get the Caddy! I really don’t. It’s like when you lie and you know the best thing to do is tell the truth…no matter how hard it is. It’s so fucking hard that you pray that with each passing day, the person you lied to will forget. You know your lie hurt them…so it’s easier just to continue the hurt than ask for forgiveness and tell them you love them and you truly didn’t mean it. Living the lie is so much easier. That’s how I feel. Frozen.

I’m told I should get an attorney and sue. If that’s the case, I should sue the ex, the sweet man, my family…every one! This may sound weird, but I’d be suing God, wouldn’t I? After all, He’s my Father and when he scolds us, He doesn’t do it just because. We did something wrong in His eyes…not the eyes of humans…HIS eyes. He gave me Grace, then I failed to do…or rather went about it all wrong…what I was supposed to do. So, He took the Grace back.

It would be easier to say, ‘I will sue’ and actually do it if I hadn’t done anything wrong to go against God. I would understand the right to sue, or blame. But I know what I did. It doesn’t matter what other people did. It’s what I did!

It’s easy to see me as this really good person…online. But I get really irate when I can’t handle things. I’ve healed in so many ways. I still doubt my faith. No mountains will move right now for me. And I do know what true faith is. I’ve had some serious mountains move in my past. They aren’t moving for me because my faith is weak. I am doubting God way too much. I’m NOT fully trusting. This is wrong.

It’s not easy to admit our weaknesses. And we really don’t have to because God sees all. He already knows what we are going to do. He scolds us and tests our strengths. My strengths are missing in certain areas of my life. I miss certain things…not in myself…but in other people. As a teacher, I know the acting out by kids meant something was wrong. I’m so stupid to constantly…CONSTANTLY…miss this in adults. Others do it, too. Our cries for help…we miss that in each other.

It’s almost 6. I’ll have to go tomorrow and get my Caddy. I have to tuck my tail between my legs and accept that I really don’t deserve the Grace. Not this time. I fully deserve the scolding. I have to accept the consequences to my actions. This time…I fully deserve them!

Go Deep! The deeper sins of ourselves is really what we have to tackle for forgiveness to totally come. For me: so far

I see that there will be more books, much more writing. Each time, these days, I’m led to a Scripture, it forces me to look at MY sins. Go Deep! I spoke on resentment in Book 12. That was just ONE sin. There’s a much deeper deal I am being forced to look at. Jealousy…that was a very hard thing to write. This one here is even harder.

Resentment
Jealousy
Selfishness

In Book 12, I talk about breaking the codependency, and using the sweet man to help with that. It worked in part. I broke the codependency on my children and family. I didn’t break the codependency on the sweet man.

He often accused me of trying to control him. I never got that. How? I’m beginning to see it. ‘You be you, and let Me be Me.’ I was so scared that if I let him be himself that he would go away, too. I thought that so much…it happened. It doesn’t matter the fighting. It doesn’t matter if people think it was toxic. It’s not really the point at all. It’s standing by another human being no matter what. It’s not being selfish no matter what. That’s when you can freely be yourself. I was too scared to return to being myself. Too afraid that it would end like my marriage did…so the fighting never stopped.

God brings people in our world to love, to help. There’s so much negative surrounding the condition’s of love, that we missed, entirely the big picture: God’s way.

I totally don’t feel like a good person right now. I let myself down. Instead of returning to the full-hearted person I was before the darkness hit my life, I’m forcing the hatred and animosity to stay. I keep letting myself sulk in it so much that I’m missing God’s point altogether. I keep LETTING that evil whore steal my peace and humility.

Joyce Meyer constantly talks about spiritual warfare. The battle is real. The devil doesn’t want what God wants. But God is more powerful than the devil. He allows for these things to happen to us, testing us, preparing us for something greater. I’m deathly terrified of what that might me. I shouldn’t be.

Two nights ago, I spent all night putting samples of work on my website. I kept getting like notifications and it made me feel good. I read all those articles about writing headlines and such. I wrote some headlines like that said. It’s not me. So, I changed them to ME. I sold two books yesterday! I’m 50 years old and I get excited selling two books, but I condemn myself because I can’t seem to pass these tests of helping human beings in ways that lack all selfishness. This is not who I am.

I know when I deserve something. My words and actions lately are not at all deserving of Grace. Other people, no matter what they do, should never change the good I feel in my heart and react to it. That’s not the right way. I’m doing it wrong…as the sweet man always told me. If I ever want any kind of love to truly stay in my life, if I’m ever going to get those hugs that I desire so much, then I have to change this part of me.

How deep do you go? Do you think it’s worth looking at self, instead of passing blame on others all the time? Just wondering. I can’t be mad at others when I’m self-destroying myself with things I am NOT doing. One life. We can’t just skirt through it holding everyone else accountable and not hold ourselves. Sure, the car dealer did wrong. But I know why it happened.

My 12-Book Series is only the beginning.