‘Erase Anger’s Mark’

Forgiveness. It is not just about forgiving in general, it’s about all the little parts that go along with hurt…anger, resentfulness. It’s setting ego and pride aside. It’s not bowing down. It’s living up to God’s standards. It’s what truth is all about.

(September 23, 2019)―Tests. My son and his wife are beginning a great big one. Last night, I got a call from him telling me, after being broke down on an interstate last night for eight hours, a car plowed into the back of his camper and caught fire. Him and his wife and their dog was able to escape before the fire consumed their camper and truck. You see they are travelers and work on the road, so that was their home.

After he called, I tried to call my daughter. She’s still not talking to me again. So, I called my dad, then called my baby son. He said something that brought anger up in me. He told me his dad already called him. That meant that my older son had called my ex-husband before calling me. I was hurt. Then this morning my older sister called. I just needed someone to rant to I guess. I told her I that my daughter wasn’t talking to me again and it hurt. I blamed the ex for changing her heart. I called him a narcissist and said he was evil. It didn’t take long for her to get off the phone with me.

Why am I telling you? Because I have to. Stay. I will explain.

Guilt fell on me after both of those conversations. I shouldn’t still be feeling this. But I’m hurt still because of how my family put me after the ex. I talked with God last night. I prayed for my son and his wife.

After I spoke with my sister, I got my coffee and sat down and opened the Bible. The following Scriptures was the first page I saw. I had not been to these pages since 2007. There are red marks all over this page. Those marks are in bold within the passages.

I was scolded! Not by God this time, but by Jesus!

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‘Love in Action’

Actions, In Spite of Resentment, Still Say LOVE

(April 30, 2019)―Resentment. I’ve written a lot about resentment in Book 12. It’s part of the codependency deal. A codependent will give and give without thinking of themselves and then they begin to resent it because they carry the expectation of being given in return. Of course, the given in return doesn’t happen most of the time. A codependent is a bit fucked up in a sense because of this expectation.

I’ve written many poems about letting go and having zero expectations. That’s because it’s part of the fight to break codependency. I’ve been judged a lot when it comes to my writings by those I love. They really don’t understand the process. My writings are about feelings or emotions in the moment during this struggle of healing. When I read some of it, it hurts me, too. But that is the whole point…writing every single feeling/emotion down in order for myself and others to see ourselves and understand what we are feeling. If that makes sense.

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